March 17, 2007
Is spanking necessary or beneficial in "danger" situations?
by flowermama
I started writing this awhile back and never finished. I'm going to go ahead and post it anyway.
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Protecting our little ones from dangerous situation can be quite a big job. They don't understand the dangers, and, encouraged by their natural curiosity, they love to explore and experiment.
Helping our children learn to be safe is one of the most important things we have as a parent. It can be difficult to know how best to respond when our children do, or want to do, something dangerous. Some people our of desperation or obligation feel they need to spank their children to help teach them to be safe.
Spanking is unneccessary, though, and furthermore is it not beneficial in danger situations -- there is nothing good that it teaches that can not be taught better by using gentle discipline.
Here are some links to helpful threads on the GCM message board:
practicing street/parking lot safety
What are the natural conquences for not comming [sic]
excerpted from the article To Spank or Not to Spank? by Elizabeth Pantley
". . . I’ve read several articles that address the issue of spanking where the writer says it’s okay to spank if the child is in danger - for instance, if a toddler is running into the street, or reaching out to touch a hot burner on the stove. They suggest that at these times a few pops on the rear end are okay. I must admit this naïve mindset baffles me. Why in the world would we want to teach our children about safety by hurting them? Does you ski instructor jab you with his ski pole to teach you not to jump off the chairlift?
"A parent who believes that spanking is the only effective way to teach a young child about safety issues is not giving the child enough credit. Children - even little ones - can indeed learn about safety through our teaching them. As a matter of fact, through teaching they will learn much more, as they can absorb the reason for the rule, and over time, can learn to make good decisions on their own. I watched two friends one summer teach their toddlers not to run in the street Mom A give her toddler a swat on the rear every time he went in to the street. Mom B picked up her toddler, looked him in the eye, and said, 'NO street! Dangerous. Stay by Mommy.' By the end of the summer, both children learned to stay out of the street. Which child understood why? And which child has better communication with his mother?"
Excerpted from DANGER DISCIPLINE on the askdrsears.com website
". . . as we learned more about discipline, we realized there are better ways than spanking to handle even danger discipline. We realized toddlers don't remember from one time to the next, even with the 'physical impression.'"
"Any 'danger' situation still requires constant adult supervision—no amount of spanking will danger-proof a child when the adult is not there to administer the blows. Any after-the-fact hitting will just be confusing—he won't know why he's being hit. Your job as a disciplinarian is to keep your child away from situations in which his ignorance or impulsiveness could get him into real danger."
Posted by flowermama at 12:09 PM | Comments (1)
MainOctober 25, 2005
EPOCH - SpankOut Day
by flowermama
Each year on April 30th, EPOCH (End Punishment of Children) has SpankOut Day. Here is how their website describes it:
SpankOut Day USA was initiated in 1998 to give widespread attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. EPOCH-USA (End Physical Punishment of Children) sponsors SpankOut Day USA on April 30th of each year. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on this day, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools.
Last April my older two children each drew and painted a picture for a contest put on by EPOCH-USA for SpankOut Day. They drew their pictures in response to how they felt spanking and yelling make kids feel. Their pictures are below (these are digital photographs taken of the originals, so I apologize the picture quality is not better). . .
by my dd, age 9
by my ds, age 6
They didn't "win" the contest, but they were each given a book and a certificate of participation. 
The book they were given is the board book called "Hands are Not for Hitting" by Martine Agassi. It's a sweet book that explains that hands are not for hitting and shares many things that we do with our hands.
There are six months until the next SpankOut Day, but I'll try and remember to remind you when it gets closer. ;) And I encourage you to check out EPOCH's website in the meantime, and now is always a good time to take the "SpankOut Day" challenge.
I don't agree with everything on their website, but they have some helpful information, and they have such kind and loving hearts towards children and parents. Here are a couple helpful links from their site:
http://www.stophitting.com/disathome/parentSupport/christianpd.php
http://www.stophitting.com/laws/
Posted by flowermama at 12:30 AM | Comments (1)
MainOctober 22, 2005
Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child?
by flowermama
It always makes me 
when I hear people talk about how the Bible says "Spare the rod, and spoil the child." It seems to be a common belief that the Bible says that, both amongst those who believe in spanking, and those who don't. Sometimes those who believe in spanking warn about the dangers of "sparing the rod and spoiling the child." And I once read in an article about the dangers of spanking something about King Solomon having it all wrong because he taught that (spare the rod, spoil the child).
First off, I doubt you'll not get many evangelical Christians to question the need to spank or rightness of spanking by getting down on Solomon, because the whole Bible, including Proverbs, is the inspired Word of God. And second of all, in truth, that phrase is not even in the Bible. *shrug*
That phrase is actually from a satirical poem called Hudibras written in the 1600's by Samuel Butler.
BTW, here is a picture of a rod, or "shebet."
Can you imagine hitting your child with it? I don't think any of us could. 
The rod is a symbol of authority. We use our authority to guide and protect our children, just as a shepherd uses his rod to care for his sheep. As it says in Psalm 23, "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." To "spare the rod" truly would be to lay aside our authority, and to not take care of our children -- to not guide and protect. And that is very dangerous and wrong, indeed.
For more information please also see:
The Rod or Shebet: An Indepth Examination by Joan Renae
Posted by flowermama at 12:34 PM | Comments (3)
MainOctober 21, 2005
About Children Sitting Through the Church Service
by flowermama
Some churches (though not many Protestant ones, it seems!) encourage parents to have their children stay in the church service with them. Rather than taking them to nursery or "children's church," the family worships together.
The idea sounds like a really wonderful thing. In fact it's what our family does. One of the concerns, though, is that it can be highly stressful for both parents and their children when their children are still learning to sit in the service.
For those who have been led down this path, I know it can be all too easy to want your child to learn *now*. Sometimes we bring that pressure upon ourselves by comparing our kids to other children. "Look at ____'s children! They sit through the service and are so quiet and good!" Sometimes we feel an urgent need to have them learn quickly because we are afraid what others will think about us and our parenting style. Sometimes we worry that we are distracting others from hearing the sermon. Sometimes we simply want to sit and listen to the sermon ourselves!
The fact is, though, that sometimes it takes awhile, and that is okay. Every child is different. Some children actually easily sit through the service early on, but others find it to be a real struggle to learn.
Jesus said, "Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 9:17 NASB). Little children are loved dearly by God, and it's good to bring them to Him and to worship Him, but we should keep in mind that it's our job as parents to come alongside and guide them and teach them and help them learn in ways that will help nurture their trust and love in God our Father, our Abba Daddy.
When considering how to teach our little ones, let's consider not only the "effectiveness," but also what the other end results of our methods might be. We don't want our children who find it hard to learn to be fearful of Him! We don't want them to associate church with being hit by us.
I understand the pressure, I do! I've experienced the anxiety it can bring. But I encourage parents to try other methods of teaching their little ones about worshipping God together as a family. There are other effective, and kind and gentle, ways. And I encourage you to lay your anxiety at Jesus' feet. And even though you may miss out on some of the sermon (consider getting a tape of the sermon if possible!), when you are ministering to your children, you are doing a good thing. You are worshipping Jesus through your actions. You are showing Him love and honoring Him by taking care of the little ones He has entrusted into your care. His grace is abounding, and He will meet your needs.
I'll save going into possible ways to teach them for another day. And hopefully another one of our writers here will be writing a blog entry on this soon.
Posted by flowermama at 11:04 AM | Comments (4)
MainOctober 09, 2005
Restoring Gently and Carrying Burdens
by
At this stage in my life, so much of my reading and studying is filtered through the perspective of mothering. This includes my studying of the Bible and theology. I find the deeper I dig into God’s Word, the more light it shines on my life--and how I ought to mother.
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
“Brothers. . .” This passage is written to Believers. As parents, God has given us special responsibility towards our children. But they are also our “brothers” and in the Covenant.
Kristen recently wrote,
We went to Ash Wednesday services at the beginning of Lent with Kate at the episcopal church around the corner (we missed liturgy) and when the priest put ashes on her little forehead, it really made an impact on me. As much as I am her mother, I am also her sister in Christ. This has been really helpful to me in thinking through parenting issues. Most Christians wouldn't serve wine to a fellow Christian who was a recovering alcoholic. Why do they discpline their children and then set them up to do the same things again?
In his commentary on Galatians, Martin Luther clarifies that “caught in sin” is not speaking about doctrinal errors, “but about far lesser sins into which people fall not deliberately, but through weakness.” As our children are learning right from wrong, they will sin. As they are growing through various stages of development, they will have greater or lesser control over their impulses.
Luther goes on to say, “is caught in imply being tricked by the devil or sinful nature.” Sinful nature, temptation, weakness, developmental stages--remembering these sins of our children are part of their weakness helps me respond to them with compassion.
Luther states, “Paul therefore teaches how those who have fallen should be dealt with--namely those who are strong should raise them up and restore them gently.” I don’t always feel “strong” or “spiritual.” Often I feel weak and struggling myself. But it is my responsibility to raise my children and be strong for them. We have no trouble with the idea of parents being a “mama bear” protecting her young child. I also want to be strong spiritually to correct them gently, to be the “mama bear” to help my children when they are struggling with sin.
It’s interesting to note that this passage is immediately proceeded by the admonitions to walk in the Spirit and the list of the fruit of the Spirit-- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These should be on my mind as I restore my children gently.
Luther reinforces the idea of this passage reminding us of “the fatherly and motherly affection that Paul requires of those who have charge over souls.”
What does “restoring gently” look like? Luther explains, “when they see that those persons are sorrowful for their offenses, they should begin to raise them up again, to comfort them, and to mitigate their faults as much as they can—yet through mercy only, which they must set against sin, lest those who have fallen are swallowed up with depression.” And “. . .gently, and not in the zeal of severe justice.”
To be honest, at times I’ve had Christian mothers advocate some child-training approaches that seemed to have more of the “zeal of severe justice” than how Luther describes the Holy Spirit’s correction, “mild and pitiful in forbearing.”
After restoring gently, we are told to “carry each other’s burdens.” I see this, in light of mothering, as an especial entreaty to know our particular children and their particular weaknesses.
One of my sons is insecure around lots of guests--and he has responded in the past by getting very loud, climbing on furniture, and even hitting a guest. I've found that to carry his burden means I prepare him beforehand for our guests, and I hold his hand when they arrive, until he is comfortable and calm. Another son is prone to lash out at his brothers when he is angry. Bearing his burden has meant praying with him and for him, helping him recognize when he feels anger rising, and giving him strategies to deal with that anger without hitting. And it has meant letting him know it’s good to come to me and say, “Mommy, I’m angry” so I can help him not sin in his anger.
Also in this encouragement to carry one another’s burdens, it strikes me how wrong it is to follow the child-training technique of placing a child in a situation of temptation--to test him and see whether he can withstand it (or be punished.) This method is encouraged by some for training toddlers and preschoolers, and seems to be very contrary to bearing the burdens of temptation.
Luther also comments on this passage that sometimes in bearing with one another, things need to just be let go--“These people are the ones who are overtaken by sin and have the burdens that Paul commands us to carry. In this case, let us not be rigorous and merciless, but follow the example of Christ, who bears and forbears these burdens. If he does not punish them, though He might do so with justice, much less ought we to do so.”
“And watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. . .” For parents, I see this as a two-fold warning. First, to be gentle, not be angry—the caution here illustrates how very easy it is to slip into being harsh.
And also I see the warning not to be tempted to pride. When we become concerned about appearing to be “good parents” it is easy to slip into correcting harshly, minutely. This is one of the areas in which I struggled a lot, especially when my children were smaller. And especially when we were guests in churches and people's homes. I felt pressure (from myself even more than others) for my kids to be perfect and "prove" we were worthy to be missionaries. That pressure tempted me both into pride in my children's good behaviour, as well being overly picky and correcting unnecessarily.
The end of these verses is “in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” As Martin Luther said,
“After Christ had redeemed us, renewed us, and made us his church, he gave us no other law but that of mutual love. To love is not to wish one another well, but to carry one another's burdens--that is, things that are grievous to us, and that we would not willingly bear. Therefore, Christians (parents!) must have strong shoulders and mighty bones, so they can carry their brother’s weaknesses. . . Love, therefore, is mild, courteous, and patient, not in receiving, but in giving, for it is constrained to wink at many things and to bear them.
Footnote: Quotations are from the Crossway Commentary series, Martin Luther on Galatians. Luther's commentary is also available online, in a variant translation.
Posted by at 11:50 AM | Comments (2)
MainSeptember 24, 2005
Our Favorite GBD Verses
by
A member of the GCM message board recently asked other mamas to share some of their favorite grace-based discipline passages from the Bible. Here are a few of them. Feel free to add yours, too!
From elcollinsIsaiah 66:11
"For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breast you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance. For this is what the Lord says: "I will extend peace to her like a river and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you."
From Carol"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 NIV
From Titus2:5CatholicMatthew Ch. 18:
"1 At that hour the disciples came to Jesus, saying: Who thinkest thou is the greater in the kingdom of heaven? 2 And Jesus calling unto him a little child, set him in the midst of them, 3 And said: Amen I say to you, unless you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, he is the greater in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And he that shall receive one such little child in my name, receiveth me. 6 But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea...10 See that you despise not one of these little ones: for I say to you, that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."
From Carol"What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip (KJV says rod), or in love and with a gentle spirit?" 1 Corinthians 4:21 NIV
From Titus2:5CatholicEphesians 6:4
"And you, fathers, provoke not your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and correction of the Lord...6 Not serving to the eye, as it were pleasing men, but, as the servants of Christ doing the will of God from the heart"
From TulipMamaGalatians 6:1-2
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
From Titus2:5CatholicRomans 15:1
"Now we that are stronger, ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves."
From Titus2:5CatholicPsalm 23:4
"For though I should walk in the midst of the shadow of death, I will fear no evils, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they have comforted me."
From katiekindThe Book of Ephesians. (I was going to quote a verse, and then my eye lit upon a nearby wonderful verse, and then another, and then another....and they are all laced together, Paul-fashion: you can't just pull out one because it's attached to a "therefore".
From Mia"Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you."
"If you love me, you will keep my commandments."
and I Corinthians 13
From Carol"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40 KJV
Posted by at 08:20 AM | Comments (4)
MainOur Favorite GBD Verses
by
A member of the GCM message board recently asked other mamas to share some of their favorite grace-based discipline passages from the Bible. Here are a few of them. Feel free to add yours, too!
From elcollinsIsaiah 66:11
"For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breast you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance. For this is what the Lord says: "I will extend peace to her like a river and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you."
From Carol"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 NIV
From Titus2:5CatholicMatthew Ch. 18:
"1 At that hour the disciples came to Jesus, saying: Who thinkest thou is the greater in the kingdom of heaven? 2 And Jesus calling unto him a little child, set him in the midst of them, 3 And said: Amen I say to you, unless you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, he is the greater in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And he that shall receive one such little child in my name, receiveth me. 6 But he that shall scandalize one of these little ones that believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone should be hanged about his neck, and that he should be drowned in the depth of the sea...10 See that you despise not one of these little ones: for I say to you, that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."
From Carol"What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip (KJV says rod), or in love and with a gentle spirit?" 1 Corinthians 4:21 NIV
From Titus2:5CatholicEphesians 6:4
"And you, fathers, provoke not your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and correction of the Lord...6 Not serving to the eye, as it were pleasing men, but, as the servants of Christ doing the will of God from the heart"
From TulipMamaGalatians 6:1-2
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
From Titus2:5CatholicRomans 15:1
"Now we that are stronger, ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves."
From Titus2:5CatholicPsalm 23:4
"For though I should walk in the midst of the shadow of death, I will fear no evils, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they have comforted me."
From katiekindThe Book of Ephesians. (I was going to quote a verse, and then my eye lit upon a nearby wonderful verse, and then another, and then another....and they are all laced together, Paul-fashion: you can't just pull out one because it's attached to a "therefore".
From Mia"Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you."
"If you love me, you will keep my commandments."
and I Corinthians 13
From Carol"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Matthew 25:40 KJV
Posted by at 08:20 AM | Comments (4)
MainAugust 21, 2005
You are Parenting a Person
by katiekind
So much in parenting is so basic. It is not fancy. It starts with remembering that kids are people. It starts with treating your child the way you would want to be treated: with empathy--remembering how it felt to be that age.
Remember that family members are precious and smile at them and make eye contact with them when they wake up in the morning or from a nap.
Make pleasant eye contact with your children and touch them gently on the shoulder when you ask them to do something. Make it a chance to cooperate before it becomes a command to comply.
Be considerate--give your children time to disengage from what they're doing before expecting them to jump up to fulfill your request.
Be considerate in letting them know what to expect in an upcoming situation. We can forget that everything is a new situation when you're a child.
Be aware--of how long it's been since your child ate or slept, and also of the stress and stimulation of different situations. Just like grownups, children find it hard to be patient and gracious when they're hungry, tired or stressed out. Be attentive to their frailty in this area and you will cut problem behaviors by a huge percentage.
Children, like adults, appreciate it when authority figures (that's you) take time to investigate the facts before you jump to conclusions about their culpability or motive in some situation.
When children behave badly, it often is a clue that they are feeling badly--just as it is with grownups. Set firm limits but also investigate what the underlying cause of the behavior is.
Children NEED lots of time and attention from their parents.
There is a difference between being firm and being mean -- and children know that as well as you do. (And incidently, meanness at the behest of some parenting guru whose book is making the rounds is still meanness.) Firmness is dignified; it draws respect--and shows respect. Firmness sets a wise boundary and stays with it. Firmness looks the same in public as it does at home. Meanness deals out of impatience, revenge, fear, embarrassment, or a sub-human view of the child. Meanness seeks privacy. The light of day tends to reveal meanness for what it is.
Parenting well is mostly relationship. Thus, if you're a Christian parent, ponder parenting applications when you come across those "one another" verses (and other relationship verses) in the New Testament. You'll be blessed and challenged.
Posted by katiekind at 12:21 PM | Comments (3)
MainAugust 04, 2005
How Do You Explain Spanking?...
by flowermama
How do you explain spanking to a child who has never been spanked and who has never seen another child being spanked?
My four year old daughter, Faith, had just taken her bath tonight, and she came into the room with blackberry juice all over her little hands. She walked over to me and sweetly told me she was being very careful not to get her shirt dirty.
I gave a startled look at her messy hands and reminded her she wasn't supposed to eat berries after she took her bath, and I quickly got up and asked her to wash herself off.
My mother was visiting here tonight, so she helped Faith wash her hands off at the kitchen sink. While my mom washed her, she told Faith that her mother (my grandma) also had rules about what her and her siblings could do after they took their bath. She explained that one rule was that they weren't allowed to go outside and play after their baths.
She shared the story about the time when she was a little girl, and she remembered her and her four other siblings following their brother outside and playing. It was the only time she remembers being spanked by her mother.
Their mother got a switch (and what is that? -- a small branch from a tree), and she spanked each of them on their bottom as they went through the door coming inside.
But it dawned on me, would Faith know what a spanking is? When asked she said she did not. My mom explained that it was when a parent spanks their child to help teach them. But still, then, what is a spank? It's when they hit their child in order to help teach them something (one reason among others).
Faith didn't really respond other than to say, "Oh," so I'm not sure what she really thought or if she really understood. My son, John, explained that mama would not spank her. Praise God for His grace. Praise God for gently teaching me that I do not have to spank/hit -- that I should not spank/hit -- my children in order to help them learn, or for any other reason.
Posted by flowermama at 10:28 PM | Comments (1)
