when to let girls do "grown up" things

[Dizzy Blond]

Hi All,

Okay, I know I'm jumping the gun, but I saw a 9 yo at the airport that had her hair in a grown up cut & professionally highlighted. My heart just broke b/c I thought she was just too young to be doing this. I'd be ok if it were "fun" highlights (like pink or purple temporary) at any age, but when do you start letting girls:


shave their legs
highlight their hair
wear real makeup (not the glittery glossy stuff meant for little girls)
get their ears pierced
... any other points you can add

[joystrength]

My DD will wear makeup late in life! HA!
Seriously, I guess it depends on her maturity. There was a thread about this recently (shaving, etc) that you might find interesting.

Here's a story: I was in our mall one day, and saw a 9 or 10 yo girl lay her doll down on a pile of comforters and then spread out a doll blanket right beside the "baby," she put the babe in the blanket and wrapped it and picked up doll and blanket and ran off with her friend who was at least 11, and carrying a doll, too.
I can't TELL you how refreshing this was for me, to actually see little girls playing with little girl toys (not saying they shouldn't play with trucks, etc). I'm trying to stress the little girls BEING little girls!! Not junior teen-agers, in little-girl size heels, and strappy tops, and glittery eye makeup, etc.

I guess that sums it up for me!

[BeckaBlue]

hmmm...i was 10 when i started shaving, but i had extremely hairy legs, my oldest seems to be following suit and will probably when shes 9 or 10, or later, whenever she wants to, within reason, like, not next week!)
i dyed nmy hair when i was 13, the 24 shampoo temporary kind, my sis was 16 and started, and so my parents would let me use what she didnt, and after awhile i started doing my own
makeup, i was 13 when i started wearing it. the girls have way more than me (cuz i have none nowadays) of 'grownup' makeup, lipstick, eyeshadow, and nailpolish, until they're buying their own, thats all they get from me
and for earrings, my dd1 had hers first done at almsot 4, had them for 5-6mts and they started getting painful to her, so we took them out. she got them again at 5.5 for christmas and took them out 3 days ago, and isnt sure she wants them back in (if its even possible),. she decided at 3 that she *really* wanted them, she was begging for 7mts before we got them for her. i think she has a senitivity to the metals, the first time they started hurting i thought it was cuz they were 'cheap' earrings (ie only sterling silver) but this time they were 14K gold and still started tyo bother her :shrug

I can't think of anything else to add
I did once see a 8-9yo girl dressed up like trish stratus (wwe female wrestler) wearing a bare midriff top SKIMPY shorts, heels, and a long leopard coat, and im sure it wasnt for halloween, even if it was for a dressup party, it was too realistic and inapropriate imo

[joyfulmomsie]

Whew, that's a hard one. I have an 11 yo dd who looks like she is about 16, but she is as big of a tomboy as they come. Thank God she has no desire to shave her legs or wear makeup, because she is way too young to look as old as that would make her look...does that make sense? It's a hard situation when your outward appearance gives the impression of a certain level of maturity that you haven't quite achieved yet, because people will have expectations of you that you aren't capable of living up to. Especially my 11 yo who is ahead on so many levels, but lacking in emotional maturity. So, if she wanted to wear adult makeup right now, I would have to tell her "not yet" and I wouldn't give her the go ahead until I thought her insides had caught up to her outsides, but I'm not sure what that age will be. And my answer may be different for her sister.
At the same time, I would look for things that she could do to fit in with the other girls her age that are also acceptable for our home. I remember how hard it can be at that age to not be accepted by your peers.

[MarynMunchkins]

:shrug I don't really have a problem with any of those things. But since I don't get my hair cut or colored, somehow I doubt it would be as big a deal early on. Since I rarely shave my legs, I don't think that will be an issue with Ana until she feels hairy. She's already had her ears pierced, although she let them grow back. And make-up? I wear it everyday - I'll probably let her around 13. :)

[milkmommy]

Will things will depend on maturity and situations but in my mind shaving 12-13 or beyond highlights probably highschool maybe sooner depending on what they want and how well they can maintain it. Real make up not till at least 15 probably 16 maybe I'll allow a touch like lip gloss a year or two before but I refuse to allow a 9-13year old wear makeup. ears probably 13+ but only a single pierce in the ears no nose bellybuttons etc..
Deanna

[Katigre]

1. Wear Deodorant: Whenever she asks, if she doesn't ask by the time she's 10/11 i'll offer it.
2. Shave legs: Whenever she asks, or starts using my razor. I don't see a reason to force a girl to have hairy legs if it bothers her--a lot depends on your ancestry. I'm Italian and had dark hair on my legs when i was 10/11 and started shaving when i was in 5th grade. My friend is 100% Swedish/Norwegian and to be honest i don't know if she even shaves her legs now in her 20's.
3. Make-up: 11-13ish. At age 11 i'd limit it to lip gloss and blush probably--minor things. I'd also teach her how to wear make-up so it's not gaudy. By 13 i'd let her wear eye make-up and lipstick of her own choosing even if it looked weird.
4. Ears pierced: Whenever she wants, age doesn't matter to me. I guess i never associated that with being 'grown up acting'. I got mine first pierced when i was 8, then double pierced when i was 11, then two cartilidge piercings when i was 13, and then another cartilidge piercing when i was 16.
5. Hair highlighting: In middle school if she asks for it. I'd probably offer to do it myself on her with a box kit for some 'bonding time'. I'd definitely make it something she had to save up her own money to buy though, or else do it as a special gift for xmas/birthday if she really wanted it.

I guess i don't place a lot of emphasis on 'keeping them looking like girls' if they want to experiment with different looks. But maybe that's b/c i remember so vividly how those things felt to me in terms of importance, and that my mom mentoring me in helping me use those things appropriately was a ton more helpful than her just saying 'no, not until you're older' and leave me either angry and possibly sneaking behind her back.

[Katherine]

I think there's a distinction to be made between "normal" female grooming (for our society and culture) and letting girls purposefully adorn themselves in ways that draw inappropriate sexual attention to themselves.

I would rather see a young girl with earrings/hairstyle in a stylish outfit than a young girl with no makeup and plain hair wearing skimpy or provocative clothes, kwim? Other things that speak loudly to me are carriage, body language, manner of speaking and relating to others, etc.

And I definitely think the individual physical maturity, circumstances, and feelings of each girl should be considered. I started shaving pretty early (earlier than I really would have wanted to, in truth.. I wasn't that interested in "girly" things :O ) b/c I had thick, dark hair on my legs and started to get self-conscious about it.. and I grew up in an environment where pants were not allowed, so there was no hiding it. :blush In fact, I was probably 9 or 10 if I remember correctly.. :scratch

I think my parents made us wait until we were 15 to get our ears pierced. I wouldn't make an issue with parents who chose differently, but I think it was a good call on my parents' part b/c not taking care of a piercing can lead to serious infections and such. Plus, they didn't have a lot of money to spend on replacing lost earrings or buying "nice" jewelry, and we were old enough at that point to make our own money and be responsible for the whole process.

my mom mentoring me in helping me use those things appropriately was a ton more helpful than her just saying 'no, not until you're older' and leave me either angry and possibly sneaking behind her back.

Totally agree with this! :tu The girls I know whose Moms started allowing them freedom accompanied by positive and constructive guidance were a lot more tactful and classy than the girls who had to sneak makeup to school and slather it on in the bathroom before class. :/

[milkmommy]

my mom mentoring me in helping me use those things appropriately was a ton more helpful than her just saying 'no, not until you're older' and leave me either angry and possibly sneaking behind her back.
Totally agree though some things I do feel "mother knows best" like make up I soo wanted to wear the stuff by say age 12 or Jr. highish and my parents were absoutly not bt never really said why, so yea I sneaked the stuff. :O It wasn't untill I was in HS and more at an appropiate age that was able to look back at the Jr high girls all "decked" up and realize how awful it looked even on the well dressed all around nice girls it just liiked slutty. I don't want this for my DD, I hope to teach her how to be modest and proud of her natural look but at the same time how she can appropiatly add a bit of flair and use make up to enhance her true self and not make her into someone shes not. Kinda the same with the other stuff but more so "for me" with the makeup..

Deanna

[malakoa]

Just a note on the shaving legs thing- My mom had HORRIBLE memories of NOT being allow to shave her legs... - my mom told me i could shave my legs once i started getting underarm hair, which I think was in fourth grade. I was and am super hairy. I honestly never noticed I had the hair until she pointed it out though.

if Small was dying to shave her legs, I would rather just let her and not give her the shame my mom dealt with, KWIM?
I don't think that's going to give her problems, make her sexually available to men, etc...

Then again, I also had a perm in third grade. My family is Southern...

[Teribear]

With the exception of the make-up and the hair highlights (neither of which I'm willing to start paying for anytime soon) I guess my answer is whenever she asks to.

She already wears deodorant--has for about 6 months--she just turned 8 on monday.

She doesn't want her ears pierced yet but the day she says she does I'll be taking her to have it done.

I can't imagine her wanting to shave her legs anytime soon...but if she does I have an electric women's razor so I don't have to worry about her cutting herself and she's welcome to use it.

I'll consider make-up at 13 and hair highlights at 10 (she really wants purple streaks)...but that's because I think THOSE two are the ones on the list that have the most potential to make a little girl look inappropriately grown up. She wears lipgloss and nail polish now...but it doesn't make her look any older than her age IMHO.

[Dizzy Blond]

Thanks ladies! I guess its all about finding balance about letting them feel comfortable with themselves (certainly don't want the shaving the legs battle I had with my mom) and helping them feel comfortable with their age and not having to look older or sophisticated at 8. And also being responsible for their own care - like ear piercings.

Dd loves girl stuff :D She always wants me to polish her toenails and points it out to everyone. She wants me to put perfume & makeup on her when I'm getting ready (I pretend to oblige). She has a purse and loves to carry it. :) So I guess I'm imagining that this may be important to her in the future. Thanks for all your input.