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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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Old 06-05-2012, 01:31 PM   #1
bolt.
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Default ... And I'm the Strict One!

Well, ladies, do you know what's a show-stopper in a nicely chatting group of Christian Mommies?

It's when the strictest parent there casually mentions that she doesn't spank. Here's the circle of my friends and acquaintances when I mentioned it:



Friend 1: "You don't???"
Me: "Yeah, I used to, but I haven't in a long time."
Friend 2: "Really?"
Me: "I try not to do anything harsh at all, really."
Friend 1: "Well... but... your kids are angels."
Friend 2: "Some kids just don't need it."
Friend 1: "Yeah, I had one that spanking didn't work for."
Friend 2 to 1: "It's not the right tool for every child."
Friend 1 to me: "You can leave if you want to, if you think it's cruel."
Me: "No, I just think it's unnecessary."
Friend 2: "Well... you've got angels."

Conversation continues on which kids "need" it, with lots of "funny" stories. Apparently, their various children's persistent poor habits means the Mom should do more of what they are already doing (spanking), but the consistent excellence of my children has nothing to do with my methods: they were born that way.

Do these people really believe random selection gave me two angels, that I never had to really parent 'the hard way' -- while they received an assortment of challenges my methods could never meet? I should extra-respect them for raising more difficult children, beyond my scope of experience? Even if they "have to" hit these challenging children, and even if hitting them isn't showing any benefits!
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Old 06-05-2012, 01:39 PM   #2
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

Last time I checked, being a Mama is hard work, whether you spank or not. I've been accused of being strict, and accused of not being strict enough. So, whatever.
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Old 06-05-2012, 01:41 PM   #3
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

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Old 06-05-2012, 02:10 PM   #4
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I used to get told all the time that I didn't spank because I didnt need to (ie my kids were easier than their kids). Sigh.
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Old 06-05-2012, 02:34 PM   #5
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

Brilliant analysis, bolt. But even though that must have been a frustrating conversation, I expect that won't be the end of the matter. I bet that they will watch the mothering you model and pick up useful ideas from it.
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Old 06-05-2012, 02:47 PM   #6
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I was going to say the same thing Kathy did, but she put it much more eloquently then I would have
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Old 06-05-2012, 03:17 PM   #7
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I was finally outed with my FOO because of a conversation like that about what children "need"

I was left with an Uncle who was totally baffled because my kids are 'good' and his theology says that you can't have 'good' without frequent consistent spanking.

He's still reeling, frankly, and since the son he belted regularly has turned out the opposite of his intent....poor guy, he's so confused.
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Old 06-05-2012, 03:25 PM   #8
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I've heard this several times. It can be frustrating, knowing how *hard* I work, that it's dismissed with the idea that I don't spank b/c I have "easy" kids.
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Old 06-05-2012, 03:35 PM   #9
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I love how they gave you permission to leave, as though they were your authority too.
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Old 06-05-2012, 03:42 PM   #10
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

Nah, that's just a Canadian-ism, more like, "Don't feel you have to stay if you'd rather not." It was actually quite a friendly conversation. I just found the illogical assumptions amusing.
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Old 06-05-2012, 04:01 PM   #11
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I have perfect kids too.
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Old 06-05-2012, 04:09 PM   #12
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

My immediate family knows we don't, and I think my bff knows. But I've never discussed it with most of our other friends/acquaintances. I'm kind of scared to until my kids are older and past the random melt-down stage...I don't want extra scrutiny when that happens!
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Old 06-05-2012, 04:17 PM   #13
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I HATE the "he's so good" or "you're so lucky to have such a sweetie" or variations thereof! Not, mind you, "what good manners he has!" or "he's so polite" or "clearly mom has taught you really well how to talk to adults" or other things that acknowledge that there are skills involved, but the "what a natural angel descended into our lives!"

Similarly, I had a friend in high school who always commented on how "lucky" I was to get better grades than she did. Um, yeah, all that luck accumulated when I was sitting at my desk all night long....
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Old 06-05-2012, 09:54 PM   #14
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!


My dh and I get told that's the only reason we have six children-- we have 'easy' kids.


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Old 06-05-2012, 10:36 PM   #15
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Default Re: ... And I'm the Strict One!

I am not the strictest parent, but G rarely disobeys in public (mostly I believe because he isn't as comfortable in public he is rather shy so rarely does anything to need reproof or correction to begin with). M is so content in the Mei Tie most of the time everyone says he must be my easy baby, yes and no.
G was easy in ways M is so difficult and visa versa, they are so different it is impossible to say if one was easier then the other, they are/were both very easy and very difficult. Most people don't know that I've decided not to spank (my husband hasn't come to the same conclusion yet, but he feels that VERY few circumstances require spankings so I have time to work on him ), my parents now know that I don't spank and why, they were confused and concerned at first, but after talking a bit and explaining a few biblical misconceptions they understood and are now supportive !
I do have a few long distance friends that are super Pearl supporters, the wife (a long time friend of mine) sent me CTBHHM (Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl) at a time when I was very weak spiritually, in knowledge, wisdom, and practice, so I swallowed it hook, line and sinker for about 6 weeks. It put so much pressure on me I decided something was wrong, Jesus came to free us, not give us a shovel to dig a deeper pit. Eventually I found the podcasts of Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Wa. The Holy Spirit opened my eye's to SO many different things through his sermons, not just the Pearls, that were wrong in my thinking...it took 6m, but it healed my crumbling marriage, brought peace to my soul like I'd never known before, and began the 2 1/2 year journey to the decision to parent my children with the Grace God has 'parented' me.
Hmmm, didn't expect this post to turn out the way it did...lol, gotta the routes the HS takes us, so unexpected!
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