The perfect child

[ShiriChayim]

Ok, I'll say it, I am so tired of the expectations people place on children. It starts as infants, if I one more person asks me if my child is a "good baby" I'm going to scream! And basically, what they are asking is, does your child have few basic needs, and is he willing to let them be met on your schedule? Since when is having a baby supposed to easy or for the parents?

Then immediately a toddler must be trained. There is no learning curve, no leeway given, if a small child is out in public they must be happy and well behaved. And if they dare to not behave the parent must react enough to appease those who assume the child gets no discipline, but not abusively, because EVERYONE has an opinion about the 15 secs of parenthood they glimpse in a store.

By the time the child is 4 they must be able to sit quietly in church, walk quietly in stores, and eat quietly in restaurants. Childishness should be reserved for only those times it is cute for the adults watching. In other words, children should not ever interefere with the lives or desires of their parents, they don't get to have needs beyond the basic human ones, and those are delegated to times and places.

Well let me tell you, my son is 3, and I gurantee he is MORE than most of the other children. He can't sit still, he hates boundaries or quietness. He gets up early and goes to bed late and is always hungry, probably because he burns off his food so fast with all of his activity. He doesn't always know what to do with his body and sometimes will use it against other children. He has no problem throwing a fit when he doesn't get his way. He has a mind of his own, and wants to use it. Someday he will be a great leader, he will be one of those go getters that people admire. But for now, he is three, and thus is learning about life and living. AND I LOVE HIM!!!!

I refuse to bully or cow him into obedience because he's too afraid of retribution, it wouldn't work anyway. I intend to train him to use his God given personality, not try to stuff it down because it's inconvenient. He is a wonderful boy, even if he's different and difficult for adults. For people who think I'm a weak parent, or he's a bad child because he's not the ideal of what we want our children to be TOO BAD! Life is not about what you want, my child does not have to live up to YOUR standards, I will train him in such a way as to build him up, and I could care less about stuffy arrogant, do better parents that get their kicks judging themselves and everyone else based upone how well their children act like an adult. ARGH!!!!

Sorry I just had to get that out.

[ellies mom]

That was all very well said.

[Serafine]

thanks for writing that...I just copied and pasted it into a file for me to read over and over again.

[Jeanette598]

I agree. We got a picture book out from the library this week that has this same idea. Through the whole book the little girl asks various family members if they'll do something with her, and they're all too busy so she decides just to do it herself with her stuffed animals. Then toward the end, her mother puts her to bed and says, "Thanks for being so good today." In other words, "Thanks for being quiet and self-sufficient enough that I could ignore you all day!"

Yup! Around here, people base the "goodness" of kids on the convienience to their parents and other adults. Since I spent my energy teaching my kids actual values instead of how to be quiet and still (not that I *could* have!) my kids get labled bad or problem children.... When I started dating my boyfriend, his parents fielded several comments from school staff and area business-owners about how "bad" my kids are....fortunately, Franks parents shut them up in a hurry. But I know these peoples kids, I went to school with them! Two of the kids were drug dealers at our school! The others were in and out of trouble all the time, I guess as long as they didn't make noise they thought it was ok? My kids are LOUD and often ANNOYING and they rarely sit still EVER... but I love'em, and they are GOOD kids- they try to do the right thing and (almost) always take other peoples feelings into consideration, they share and take turns and play well, they are affectionate and kind and thoughtful. How does having an opinion make them bad? I don't get it.........

[deena]

[Katiebug]

Your son is blessed to have you

[ShiriChayim]

Thank you all so much for just understanding. This website is so restful, I posted something similar on a different site, and am now spending too much time defending myself against comments about lazy parents and bratty kids and making sure kids know how it's proper to act, and no matter how many times I try to say, it's not about discipline, it's not about accepting poor behavior, it's about accepting a child who is not invisible and loving him for who he is it ALWAYS comes back to "bratty out of control kids whose parents are lazy" UGH!

[jenny_islander]

I developed a couple of easy-breezy rejoinders that I can rattle off with a smile while internally . So far, nobody has been able to turn these around to a Why Don't You Hit Your Children lecture.

"Is she a good baby?"

*big fond smile at baby* "All babies are good babies, aren't they? Yes you are, sweetie pie, yes you are!"

And:

"Your kids are so well behaved whenever I see you out and about with them!"

*smile, lean forward, act like Harriet Housewife discussing piecrust in a Loxo Lard ad* "I learned the secret ages ago: If I have a choice, I make sure that they're both well rested, not upset by something, and not thirsty or hungry or wet before I leave the house. It saves so much fuss and bother." ( version: Gee, maybe because I don't just drag them along and punish them when they inconvenience me, I pay attention to them.)

Also, if it seems apropos, I mention that I learned so much from these folks on the Web, the Gentle Christian Mothers . . .