HELP! 5yo is very hostile

My 5yo ds has been very hostile toward me and my dh last weeks. I mean he reacts very offended when he is not allowed certain things (b.e. throwing trash in the water, not seeing another movie after the movie finished) or has to do things (like dressing, little chart). He tries to hurt us as much as he can, kicking, scratching, hitting and spitting. He also says things as: you hurt me (when we hold him tightly on our lap in order to prevent him from biting and hitting us, and hurting us with his words) and he even said he was afraid my dh would kill him (???). He seems to view us as his personal enemies, b.e. when I cook something and he doesn't like it, he says I purposely cook things he doesn't like. When he is agressive towards us, he says he is 'protecting himself' from us, 'the danger'.

Ds has always been a kind of... challenging, I don't know much about high need babies, but I would not be surprised if that's what he was. He is (very) intelligent and very verbal, extravert and extravagant as well in joy as in anger. He needs a LOT of daddy/mommy time and hugging. We have done AP from birth, but because of reading the wrong parenting books we reacted punitive when he was about 2.5 yo by using TO and spanking . In november we heard from GBP and started to apply this, immediately stopping spanking, but still figuring out how to apply GBP. Last weeks we had holidays and we read 'Families where Grace is in Place', which helped us a lot. My dh and I feel like we now fully stepped into the 'grace road', being kind and gracefull and firm. In these holidays the hostile behaviour of our son became so extreme. He has been angry to us before when we would tell him to do things (or not to do things) and following up to it, but now it's sooooo extreme. We found out it makes a lot of difference when we give him a clear structure for the day (we did not have ANY structure in our holidays...).

The thing we now do is hold him in our arms (when necessary, it is tight because he is trying to hurt us) and speak calming, loving words to him until he calms down (after about 1/2 hour!!!), being kind but not giving in to his demands. I find it embarrasing because he screams so loud it sounds like we are torturing him (AAARGH! YOU'RE HURTING ME!). (in our country the houses are smaller and the neighbours are nearer...) I find it hard because I've a 3yo and a 1yo who need my attention too. I cannot bring ds to his room or another comfort place, because when he's angry he runs from it immediately. It makes him more angry, I think because he's extravert.

well, what's my question... is he normal? I feel like I've done so many things wrong, is this behaviour because of my mistakes? Did anyone of you ever experience such a thing? Any suggestions?

Alex was very like this. He was born high needs and I suspect some of our family dynamics and mistakes I made exacerbated it. However, AP DID help and firm, loving boundaries DID help, but it still took a lot of time. He is 9 and it's been a long time since we've had a scene like you describe.

[ArmsOfLove]

Yes, my special needs 5yo was very like that and he's a much calmer almost 10yo My current 5yo is a lot like this also--he came out mellow but through situational stress he has some ODD issues. ODD, I have learned, is rooted in anxiety and when anxiety is high it's hard to deal with change and things not working out how you want. LOTS of cuddle time will reduce need for the bear hug or restraining; lots of good attention and positive interactions limit the negative ones; lots of boundaries and routine helps with reducing freak outs because there is less that is unexpected If the schedule is always changing it helps to prepare them in advance with what will happen so they know what to wrap their brains around.

[klpmommy]

P would have very aggressive episodes. We finally realized that he was reacting to food dye, esp red #40. W/o food dye he is a totally different kid - still totally normal (climbs on everything, selective hearing, etc) but not mean & aggressive anymore. So if this is newer or unusual behavior starting some sort of food journal might be helpful.

[ArmsOfLove]

yes, food issues are definitely a problem with my family too

[Marsha]

My 5 yo does this too. I have always known she was high needs, or sensitive, or spirited or active alert or any of those terms that mean difficult to deal with sometimes!
She reacts horribly to dairy. It seems we also go through a 5-6 month cycle every year of more aggressive behavior.
Right now, she's mellowing out. Also, we just had her evaluated and she has Sensory Processing Disorder and we are getting OT,.
We don't let her hurt us. but we have discovered that bear hugging or holding her down actually makes her worse. We give her the respect of her own space (her room) to be as angry as she needs to be, she can say whatever she wants in there too LOL. She calms down MUCH faster when left alone'; she will rage and rage if even LOOKED at once one of them starts.
But oh yeah, I know the "you're hurting me!: scream. And th e embarrssment. And the heartbreaking horribleness of knowing your child is hurting and not what to do about it.
And when he sai dhe thougth dh would kill him, since he is 5, I'm sure he didn't mean that literally, he just meant this feels really, really bad and tha was the worst thing he could think of.
(((hugs)))
I found Highly Sensitive Children to be very helpful. And Sensational Kids, too.

Thank you all ladies. It's relieving to hear there are more like him... I don't know about the food. We give no food dyes, I cook very naturally. Almost no processed sugars. He has had cow's milk allergy when he was a baby (skin reaction) but he grew over it. Do dairy products have to do something with agression?
I know he needs very much structure and that really helps. I use day ritm cards now and it makes a lot of difference.
Are Highly Sensitive Children and Sensational Kids books? Who are the authors? I also heard about the book 'the Spirited Child'. Which one would be the most fit in our situation? Or do I have to describe him more first...?

[Marsha]

In our house, dairy =aggression.
Yes, they are books, sorry.
Shrug on which one you try reading first. HSC helped ME the most, because I found out I am highly sensitive as well LOL>
But even with all her intensity and issues, dairy wil make her mean.

I'm not sure he is highly sensitive? How you know? Can you describe it?

Another great book is "How to Raise your Spirited Child". I came away from it with an ability to see Alex in positive terms (mostly) instead of the mental language I had been using, which was pretty negative. That helped me stay calm and my parenting stay positive.

Originally Posted by loveberry

Another great book is "How to Raise your Spirited Child". I came away from it with an ability to see Alex in positive terms (mostly) instead of the mental language I had been using, which was pretty negative. That helped me stay calm and my parenting stay positive.

I think that's the book I'd heard of. I just looked it up at Amazon and I could look inside. It seems to apply to my ds. I like the positive title. Here in the Netherlands there is such a tendency to label kids negatively and put them in Special Needs Education, which is also a very negative label. That's one of the reasons I believe God wants us to homeschool our kids (to save ds from the label-machine and the expectations to be 'like everyone'. And I don't know whether you recognize this or not, but at the age of 5 he needs a LOT of supervision / help when he plays with other kids, especially when plays with them the first time. He tends to have an agressive attitude, and I feel like he doesn't feel safe with other kids when he doesn't know them yet. When he knows them, most time he's playing very nice with kids from 3-11 yo!

Originally Posted by ainsleesmommy

In our house, dairy =aggression.

Is this only about cow's dairy? Is goat's milk & dairy OK? Maybe I could try that for a while.