AP'ing older children

[ShiriChayim]

With each child I've had, I've become more and more progressively AP, until with my youngest I'm about as AP as I can be However, especially with my oldest, he was really really hardly AP'd and I'm looking for suggestions on how to connect with my 3yo. He's very squirrely and independent so I can't wear him (I've tried) and he prefers to go to bed alone. At times he asks for cuddles and I always comply, but he doesn't want them otherwise. I'm sure some of this is my doing, because I did let him CIO for awhile, and have been punitive with him. I guess all the stuff did the job it was supposed to do. But I want him to be able to feel attached with me, KWIM? Any suggestions?

[cindergretta]

Being an AP parent means tuning in to your child's needs. There is no recipe. If you are there when he needs you, if you listen to him, read to him, play with him, meet his needs on his schedule, you are AP'ing him! There are lots of Ap'd babies who don't co-sleep b/c they don't want to. Others hate being in a sling. Forcing them to do these "AP" activities against their personality would be, well, un-AP!

Keep listening. Keep watching. Be there. You have a lot of time to build this relationship.

[SouthPaw]

ITA. DD isn't snuggly but she loves playing hide and seek. She doesn't want to lie down and read books, but she likes it when I stand and hold her and she can put her little chin on my shoulder. She loves swinging and yelling "wheeee!" with me. You can bond in any interaction your child enjoys

Yup. I agree.

AP beyond babyhood is keeping your children close until they are ready for independence, rather than forcing independence because "they need to learn to be independent". (I have heard so many moms say that, as if young children being attached to their mothers is a bad thing!) It means building a relationship with them in ways that show them you love them and are there for them. Letting them develop and grow according to their schedule. For example, my children generally don't go to Sunday School alone until they are 4 or so, a couple of them went at 3, one of mine didn't go ANYWHERE without me until he was 9! But that was just *him*. He had different needs and I accepted that. I got LOTS of negative feedback from folks, but to not meet those needs of his would have meant not doing my job as his mother and would not have been AP. He's 12 now and plenty independent!

Just be there for him, be the gentle mommy he needs, follow your instincts, and don't worry about what your relationship with him is *supposed* to be like.

[Joanne]

He's very squirrely and independent so I can't wear him (I've tried) and he prefers to go to bed alone. At times he asks for cuddles and I always comply, but he doesn't want them otherwise. I'm sure some of this is my doing, because I did let him CIO for awhile, and have been punitive with him. I guess all the stuff did the job it was supposed to do. But I want him to be able to feel attached with me, KWIM?

You are taking way to much blame! He's only 3 and he came out with the bent that God gave him. AP does not equal all cuddles and physical closeness.

I'm not fond of "AP" to describe a relationship with older kids (not that I think 3 is older!). But I get your question.

I'd find ways to be the best mom *to him* as you can. Develop routines, rituals and fun around who he is as a person. Be fun, playful, and affectionate when able.

Stop blaming yourself! You didn't create him to be what you percieve as distant.

[ShiriChayim]

Thanks for the encouragement. He is such a challenge to parent, I don't want him to think that mommy is all rules and no's and correction. I want him to come to me for love and support, but he won't even come to get hugs if he's hurt. Joanne, it does feel like I've done something wrong, like he doesn't know he can rely on me for comfort, he always just runs away from me and cries by himself. That's why I want to work on builing a stronger attachment.