A question about *helping*

[TraceMama]

Using the 5 steps, the parent asks the child if they can do X themselves or if they need help. So, my question is whether or not I'm *helping* my 3yo correctly and what *help* should ideally look like.

For instance, if ds has thrown his book across the room because he's angry and he's told to pick it up and he refuses, does helping him look like me walking him over to the book, bending him down and using my hand on top of his hand to pick up the book? Or, is that punitive and should it look somehow different than that? (The reasoning behind picking up the book is that we take care of our things and that throwing a book is not an appropriate outlet for anger.)

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Close2MyHeart]

That's how I help, Tracey. I would address the anger first. Take a moment to show him a better place to direct his anger and then when he has calmed down a bit, explain that we need to take care of books and then if he doesn't want to pick them up, help him in the way he described.

[TraceMama]

Thanks. Even though I've been a member of this board for a while, sometimes I still second guess myself and wonder if I'm being too authoritarian and/or punitive when making sure that ds completes a task and listens to me. :/ On the other hand, though, I often also struggle with feeling like I'm being too permissive.....when in reality, I'm just understanding where my ds is coming from. GBD is hard in a way, because I want hard and fast set guidelines to follow so I know if I'm doing it correctly or not, but that's not the way it works.

[canadiyank]

Yep, I usually help physically although I need to be careful since I can oftne do it with angry and punitively. Then it's not help, it's punishing. But I do a lot of physically steering them toward things, picking them up to place them near the book, etc. As the pp said, too, the underlying issue is what needs to be addressed, too, not just the emotion that follows it. "Oh, you are frustrated! You may not throw the book. You may jump the angries out or take deep breaths." (do so) "Ok, the book needs to go on the shelf."

[TraceMama]

Yeah....I guess what I'm really struggling with is the fact that when I need to move him physically I'm usually already angry and then it's a punitive action. If, however, I wait until I calm down, then it's permissive because we've already moved WAY past the issue in our day. Does that make sense? Of course, usually stuff like this happens as we're getting ready to leave the house or prepare dinner or transition to the next activity, etc.

[canadiyank]

Right, ITU. So the answer to that, then, is act *before* you're angry. Skip the asking him if he wants help part and calmly help him or show him what to do. In fact, that's what I mostly do...I hardly ever did the asking if they needed help part b/c it just didn't work for us...my kids always wanted help and I would punitively/resentfully "help" them.

So instead, I drew the boundaries closer to me and acted before I was riled up. For our house that's say the request twice and then "make it happen." Yes, making it happen is often physical, but I'm usually still calm so I'm able to simply steer them in the right direction, help their hands, say my response calmly, etc. If you're struggling in the same ways I did (and do) I would probably just skip from step 1 to 4 every time. Eventually your words will mean business and you'll feel better b/c you can calmly respond to things.

HTH!

[ArmsOfLove]

if ds has thrown his book across the room because he's angry and he's told to pick it up and he refuses

also, remember that people who feel bad act bad so you aren't going to be very successful getting him to cooperate when he is still very upset. I'd not emphasize on *anger* because that is a secondary emotion. Figure out if he's frustrated, disappointed, annoyed--reflect that and then help him calm down. THEN help him clean up the mess he made while he was upset. When he feels good again he'll be ready to take responsibility. When you're in the heat of the emotion the tendency is destruction with resistance to construction. When the chaos of emotions passes, it's time to clean up the mess. When he is calm is the time to talk to him about better ways to express himself and then when you remind him of those ideas in the moment he will have something already in his brain that he accepted that he can go to As he matures he'll be more likely to do those things on his own