toddler not listening

[illinoismommy]

I know, its a common problem, and probably after I describe it you will have no idea why I would find it frustrating because it sounds silly. Its two fold, first he doesn't listen to me when I say no, and two he fights against anything I ever try to do with him when its supposed to be "fun"

Let me use this morning as an example. We were going to read a book, I was carrying him, he picked out a book (he likes to pick things) and we sat down on the couch and I started reading with him in my lap. I get a page done and he crawls off my lap and walks over to the puzzles. So, okay, I am not going to force him to read because I want him to *like* reading so I ask him if he would rather do a puzzle and he pulls them out so I take that as a yes. So I set down the book and sit down with him and the puzzles (these are three piece puzzles that he can do already) and he puts two pieces in and then gets the marvelous idea to stand on the puzzle holder. I told him no, he can't stand on the puzzle holder, but hey look at this puzzle with the animals, isnt it neat? I take him by the hand and redirect him away from the puzzle holder. He gets angry with me, fighting with me, and after he is not on the puzzle holder anymore I let go of his hand and he immediately returns to the puzzle holder and stands on it giving me this "what are you going to do about it" look. So i tell him no, you can't stand on that, it could break, do you want to do this puzzle? he doesn't move, so I take him by the hand and remove him from the puzzle holder. I then put the holder up out of reach. I ask him if he wants to do legos, or (name toys) but no, all he wants is the puzzle holder and will not forget it. He then throws himself to the ground and screams. He does not stop and he is not distracted and that is the point that I get on the computer onto gentle chritsian mothers. He is sitting on my lap but still seems to be holding a grudge with me.

This is not like an occasional thing... its every day every way.... anything I want to do to spend time with him, he just keeps ... not wanting to? Sometimes I am wondering why I don't just take a book, park on the couch, and forget it. Why bother to try to spend time with him if he doesn't want to spend time with me? So sometimes I do read a book and then what happens? He wanders the house aimlessly whining and carrying on. I am at a loss. And yes we have a schedule, but he fights me on each activity. When its coloring time, he doesn't want to color. He gets mad at me for sitting him at the table or something. This is the third time I have tried a schedule/routine and the third time it is failing. We have also trieda very loose schedule, with only meals and regular naptimes planned, and in between just moving as he directs and that doesn't work either. Did i mention he is sitting on my lap carrying on? yeah.

[MarynMunchkins]

He sounds 18 months old.

I dont' really think you're dong anything wrong. He wants to do what he wants, and is frustrated when it can't happen. So he screams. Give him words to use, and the meltdowns will eventually stop. Until then, reflect feelings and try to get him more interested in what you want him to do than what he can't.

Remember that he needs you to acknowledge that he's upset though. You can't distract him if he feels like you're ignoring him. Sit and hold him for a minute and let him be upset. Then help him move on.

And hang in there!

[illinoismommy]

He's calm now and mommy's lap is the place to be. I don't feel calm though I feel frazzled. I'm not real sure how days should go.... all day is like a battle, and thats not how I want it to feel or how I think it should feel. When you say give him words I assume you mean say things like "you're frustrated that I had to take away the holder" ? I did that too, but I guess I forgot to mention it... and I do it a lot, and it makes no difference. He just keeps crying and being mad that I don't let him do whatever grand thing he has on his mind this time.

[Joanne]

Sometimes I am wondering why I don't just take a book, park on the couch, and forget it.

Why don't you?

Why bother to try to spend time with him if he doesn't want to spend time with me?

I think you have a couple of things happening here. One is that you think love = focused, engaged and undivided attention for a long time. That's not possible with toddlers, and especially so with certain personality types.

Instead of approaching each interaction as a measure of your bond, just *be* around each other. The point at which my kids crawl away from me to play with a puzzle, I let them do so. Usually without my help or without inviting myself into the play.

I encourage you to get more comfortable with the idea that he can jump from one thing to another, and it's about him and his exploration/stimulation style and nothing about wanting to spend time with you. My personality is such that being in the same house is "with" someone.

He's a bit young to be attracted to "it's time to paint" structure. Develop easy routines around meals, snacks, hygiene, sleep and such. Don't worry so much about the rest.

And if you set a reasonable limit "Don't stand on the puzzle box", don't let his response to your limit make you feel inadequate. He's not required to like your rules and you're not required to make him happy.

[illinoismommy]

Originally Posted by Joanne

Why don't you?

Because then he wanders the house whining and bored.

[illinoismommy]

Originally Posted by Joanne

I think you have a couple of things happening here. One is that you think love = focused, engaged and undivided attention for a long time. That's not possible with toddlers, and especially so with certain personality types.

Instead of approaching each interaction as a measure of your bond, just *be* around each other. The point at which my kids crawl away from me to play with a puzzle, I let them do so. Usually without my help or without inviting myself into the play.

I encourage you to get more comfortable with the idea that he can jump from one thing to another, and it's about him and his exploration/stimulation style and nothing about wanting to spend time with you. My personality is such that being in the same house is "with" someone.

He's a bit young to be attracted to "it's time to paint" structure. Develop easy routines around meals, snacks, hygiene, sleep and such. Don't worry so much about the rest.

And if you set a reasonable limit "Don't stand on the puzzle box", don't let his response to your limit make you feel inadequate. He's not required to like your rules and you're not required to make him happy.

I agree, and this is what we have been doing for months. All we had was, this is when we eat, this is when we sleep.... and this is bathtime. The rest of the time it was just "whatever" and I might read and he might play but I am not kidding, it was not working..... there is soooooo much whining in my life right now. Which is why we decided to try a schedule again to keep him busy. I'm starting to think.... screw this... I should go back to work and let someone else hear the whining.... but that's not really what I want to do.

I mean what do I do with the whining? Say i am reading a book and he is whining. My normal thought would be, okay, he needs mommy to play with him for a while... but it doesn't work... he just keeps whining.

[milkmommy]

Originally Posted by illinoismommy

Because then he wanders the house whining and bored.

Sounds like he might need some encouragment to learn to "play alone"

Deanna

[MarynMunchkins]

Just a thought - he might be teething, which is contributing to the whining. Some Motrin might be of help.

[illinoismommy]

Originally Posted by milkmommy

Sounds like he might need some encouragment to learn to "play alone"

Deanna

I thought he knew. He used to be real good at it... I guess I was thinking maybe he was just getting bored since he doesn't have any siblings... I was thinking when it gets warmer he will be a lot happier because he loooves outside.

And Maryn, he definitely IS teething. I've been watching his first molars work their way in for weeks now.


Okay, so, if I offer to play with him and he doesn't want to, but is still whining, and I say something like, "I see you are frustrated, here are some great toys" but he still keeps whining--- what would be the appropriate response? I think I just really need some confidence in what I am doing and to know if what I am doing is the right thing or not. I feel like because he is still whining I have failed, but maybe that's just how it is and I need to get some imaginary ear plugs??

Maybe he needs "work"? What happens if instead of you helping him play, he helps you work? Sort the laundry, sweep the floor...
I notice that in your retelling, he picks the book, but he doesn't put it back when he's done. I would say "If you're done reading, you need to put the book back" and we would do that before we got to the puzzles. Which, on a day when she only wants to read a page, usually takes us longer than the book reading That naturally slows down the pace of change. Then, if she doesn't want my company, fine. I have work to do. Either she wanders aimlessly (I can't heaaar you, I'm vacuuming) or she "helps". Talk about long-term activities; you can take an hour to sort a load of laundry if you get enough help.

[Amber]

I want to let you know that this phase does pass. My ds was there to some extent a couple of months ago and is now getting back to his "normal" self. One example from our life...ds used to love building towers with blocks and knocking them down, at 18mo he would get extremely upset when the tower would fall. It was to the point that I wouldn't pull out the blocks and build with him on most days cause I didn't want to deal with the But now at 20mo he is doing much better and is back to loving knocking the towers down. One thing that has been extremely helpful for us during that time was music. DS loves to dance to his cds so when he would start getting bored or whiny I would pop in a cd and off he would go dancing.

At 18 mo they are learning new skills and experiencing a ton of new emotions. Hang in there, this too shall pass. Maybe you could put away a few toys that you know your ds really likes to play with and only pull them out when he is having one of those bored wandering around the house moments.

I would also suggest getting him outside as much as possible. Sometimes all it takes is a change of scenery to help improve the day. I have been known to take ds to Target to walk around just because we were having a rough day and needed to get out of the house.

Originally Posted by OpalsMom

Talk about long-term activities; you can take an hour to sort a load of laundry if you get enough help.

DS helped dh shred some old check book deposit slips for a half hour the other day Picking up the sticks and pine cones in the yard also keeps him busy.

[illinoismommy]

Originally Posted by OpalsMom

Maybe he needs "work"? What happens if instead of you helping him play, he helps you work? Sort the laundry, sweep the floor...
I notice that in your retelling, he picks the book, but he doesn't put it back when he's done. I would say "If you're done reading, you need to put the book back" and we would do that before we got to the puzzles. Which, on a day when she only wants to read a page, usually takes us longer than the book reading That naturally slows down the pace of change. Then, if she doesn't want my company, fine. I have work to do. Either she wanders aimlessly (I can't heaaar you, I'm vacuuming) or she "helps". Talk about long-term activities; you can take an hour to sort a load of laundry if you get enough help.

We actually do this but it is a great idea... I mean the part about him helping with the housework. He follows me and "we" do the laundry. We do all the housework first thing in the day. He can't fold laundry yet, maybe soon, but he can carry the stacks of folded washcloths, etc, very well ... and he helps me mop, sweep (he got his own broom for christmas, lol, who says those are only for girls anyway??), .... and next I'm trying to figure out how to have him help me empty the dishwasher. He wants to, he grabs stuff but then he can't reach where it goes, poor guy.... oh and yes we left the book on the couch I guess we tend to leave little messes and clean them at the end of the day.... that's really my problem though too, I leave messes

[illinoismommy]

Originally Posted by Amber

I would also suggest getting him outside as much as possible. Sometimes all it takes is a change of scenery to help improve the day. I have been known to take ds to Target to walk around just because we were having a rough day and needed to get out of the house.

I think you got something here

[AmyDoll]

I'm starting to think.... screw this... I should go back to work and let someone else hear the whining.... but that's not really what I want to do.

Janet, I felt the EXACT same way when Sam was 18 mos old. I actually went on a job interview I was sooo upset that he was so unhappy and felt like he whined and I limited him all day long. I thought if he were in DayCare then he would be in a room where no one would really have to tell him "no" bc everything would be appropriate to play with.
But it just isn't true. I'm so glad I stuck it out!!
One thing that *really* helped me is sticking him in the stroller EVERYDAY, no matter what the weather (rain, cold, hot, whatever) and going for a 1/2 mile walk around our neighborhood. We got out. The fresh air was good for both of us and he was in his stroller and we would talk about what we saw. When the weather was nice we'd stop at the playground and he could run and swing and climb and not drive me for 20 minutes or so.

[Mamatoto]

Between 17-19 months my ds cried and clung to me a lot. There was colds, teething,developmental things...it is passing now slowly. It should be easier when you can be outside a lot more. I do not follow my kids around. They follow me around. If I am washing dishes, ds pulls up a chair and dumps water out of cups. If I am sitting down, he will bring up a book and we look at it for however long he wants to (which is not long at all). With puzzles and things like that, I would much rather have him being creative with the holder than getting frustrated because the puzzle is not at his level. He dumps the wooden puzzles and holder about 20 times a day. I tried to hide it in the closet but he found it.