I feel like I should know this, but how to deal with toddler whining???

[DogwoodMama]

I feel like this should be obvious to me, but it is not. C has started whining more lately, asking for things in a whiny tone of voice- EVEN if I *just* offered it to her! For example, today, I asked her, "Do you need a diaper change?" b/c she had gotten up from her nap. (she doesn't let me check her anymore.) She said, "No." Okay, that's fine. Five seconds later, "Chaaange diaaaaper!" in a whiny voice. Why did she whine when I had just asked her and it wasn't like there was a need for it? (not that there ever is a need for whining, lol.)

Then we went to the grocery store. She whined about me not getting her another cheese sample, then she moved on to apple juice, then yogurt. I would tell her no, explain why, and then move on. I didn't use too much distraction because I was trying to remember what I needed, just explained why and said "No" calmly but firmly. She wasn't really loud, but would continue to whine about it. I don't tend to give into these things, I'm not sure why she thinks it'll change my mind.

On the way home, I pointed out a big flag she likes. She saw it briefly, and then we turned and it went out of sight behind a tree. Then she started whining, "I can't see it, I can't see it!" Once again, I explained why, I was kind but firm, and she kept on whining about it. I finally got her distracted by telling her to look for dogs walking through the neighborhood.

I am having a tough time determining whether she is simply whining because she gets her mind set on something and just can't get it off without help, or if this is true "whining/begging" etc. because she really thinks if she whines enough she'll get her way. I just want to make sure that there isn't something I'm *supposed* to be doing to teach her not to whine, or if this is just a toddler thing? I just really don't like the whiny voice that she uses.

[cklewis]

Have you been sneaking into my house lately? Seriously, Elizabeth. . . . it's gotten so WHINEY lately. That and the dog hormones and the mommy hormones and the DH . . . .

I told DH this week that I think it's disequilibrium. I've been praying about this for us because last year it hit just about the time this baby's due. So maybe God's nudging it earlier?

I remember in Ames & Ilg that they said that 2.5 disequilibrium is all about sameness and routine and control. That's what DS is all about right now. Mommy has to draw a blue grandma in the tub EVERY TIME. And a green grandpa. And an orange Roomba. In the right order. The same way. EVERY TIME. Or whining. We have to watch Pooh in just the same way. We have to have a BIG stick outside. We have to give Sugar a treat FOR OURSELVES, and it has to be just the same treat we gave last time because that's the one that WE like (and the one that Sugar hates). We have to have eggs the SAME way every morning. We have to have pah-poo in just the same order if we bump our head, and even if Mommy's nipples just got bitten off by the dog (I had a horrible evening a couple of night ago. I mean, that's the one creature in the house that I don't want near my boobies), it doesn't matter. It has to be THE SAME! <cue ominous music>

I was thinking of asking the same question here today. It's so HARD on this cumbersome mommy. Ugh.

So at least ITU. Maybe that helps?

C

[Close2MyHeart]

I just posted something about whining yesterday...

Looking forward to the answers on your post.

DD is 2.5 (well, almost) and is SOOO whiny about everything lately!

[DogwoodMama]

Oh, I missed your post, Becca! I'll go look.

Well, at least I'm not the only one dealing with this! Nice to know we're normal here.

[Radosny Matka]

Nathaniel whined for the looongggest time (at least it felt like the longest time). He whined over everything. Everything he asked for was done in a whiny voice. It definately is a toddler thing, but that doesn't mean you have to simply live with it and not doing anything about it. Here is in a nutshell what we did with Nathaniel. First we helped him learn what a whiny voice was. Then when he whined (i'll use asking for juice as an exampel), "juuuiiicccce pleeaasse" I would say, "that is whining, say "juice please" in a normal voice." We did for what seemed like forever. Once he understood the difference between whining and normal voice and what do say differently, I would say, "ask again in a normal voice" and he would. Eventually he either learned to use a normal voice, got sick of repeating himself, or outgrew it. Either way, he rarely whines anymore.

I'm interested in this too. DS is a year younger and doesn't have a lot of words yet. So for us the whining is just constant NNNN! NNNNN! NNNN! every time. I know he'll pass through an "equilibrium" stage when he's able to use more words. But still it drives me crazy. I try whispering or singing to distract him and change the tone. That is, when I remember to do something other than cringe and speak impatiently to him.

[cklewis]

"Try again" seems to work pretty well. "I don't understand you when you whine." is the truth (in the shower this morning, I had no clue what he wanted), but I don't know if it *works*. I think he gets frustrated. We've had a lot of comfort corner time as of late.

C

[Aerynne]

Whining is simply not allowed at our house. I say "I have trouble understanding you when you whine." or just "I am having trouble understanding you." (by now she knows why) if I truly am having trouble. Otherwise I say "Please ask in a kinder voice." or something to that effect. We've been over this so many times that now she corrects herself sometimes or sometimes all it takes is a "look". I think it's important to be consistent. I never give Emily anything if she is whining, even if she is tired, hungry, hurt, sick, anything like that. She's starting to get it, but I think for a 23 month old that's pretty good.

[DogwoodMama]

Okay, ladies, I'm feeling encouraged now, you're describing what I'm doing. It just didn't feel like *enough* at times. We do, "try again," identify whining and what a normal voice is, talk about asking kindly, plus I hope dh & I model things for her b/c *we* don't whine. I think my frustration stems from her inability to "repeat after me" in a kind voice... for example, when we do "try again" she usually just says "Please" in a pleasant voice. I don't think she quite gets nuances of voices yet?

In the grocery store situation, what would y'all have done? I basically said No, explained why, and then said I knew she was sad but that whining was not going to change my mind. She kept whining, was there anything else I could have done? Maybe employ more distraction?

[Aerynne]

I may be missing something, but why couldn't she have another cheese sample? She was probably hungry, and hungry kids have trouble in stores! What I probably would have done would be given her one. If you just didn't want her having that much cheese, I would have gotten her something else to eat. Emily will eat 2 of those little cheese things sometimes when we shop. If she wants another one, I just go back and get her another one. If she just couldn't have one, distraction probably would have been good. I do all kinds of things I shouldn't do. I'll run with the cart if the store is pretty empty. Emily thinks that's funny. Or I duck down and smile at her from under the cart handle, or through the leg holes in the child seat in the cart.

I'm no help today... my head's about to explode from a whiny 10 yo .

Really, try again works well here.

I only let my kids get one sample at store, too. I keep snacks for the car ride and let them know they can get a snack once we're out of the store (or if I buy them a snack, it waits until we're out of the store).

[DogwoodMama]

The cheese sample- honestly, , I was half-way down the aisle when she started fussing and this pregnant mama moves slow, and she has a cold so I'm limiting dairy anyway. I gave her one piece b/c we always try them, and didn't want cause a fuss by saying no altogether. Also, she had a snack with her, so hunger wasn't the issue. (We do *not* go shopping without a snack and water! )

[Aerynne]

Okay, well if she had a snack with her then I understand not giving her another cheese sample. I'm too lazy to bring snacks so we usually end up buying something. I guess distraction might work, but I think as long as she learns that whining never gets her her way, that's a long-term goal you're going for, and if there's some whining in the interim, it's probably okay as long as you never give into it. Hang in there. Whining is so tough to listen to!

[cklewis]

Okay. Grocery store. What you described is EXACTLY what our trips have been like!! In every detail. When we go and it's just the two of us (and I think I'm about to make a declaration that I can't go to the store in this cumbersome state with just the two of us. I forget things because I'm overwhelmed.), I just plan on it being a lot of whining and reflecting. I have a yummy, yummy snack already. Water/Juice ready to go. We get the cart that looks like a bus (almost essential). And we do talk. I know you're chatty like me, so I can imagine you're doing the same thing. I try to let him choose stuff. Pick out bananas. Which apple sauce to buy. I am pretty indulgent about things that I *can* be indulgent about. Picking out snacks for the dog, picking out something for Daddy and holding it, finding a toy for the dog. . . . He holds things and talks about things. That seems to help. If a grandpa walks by and talks to him, he's THRILLED.

My biggest rule is no standing in the bus cart. If he stands, I stop. And I start the five steps. In one visit, I have stopped more than once in the middle of the aisle waiting for his compliance. I reflect calmly and wait. The whining is just gonna happen, I figure. And thankfully, I've been going to the local store (NOT Wal-mart) which is calmer and more friendly about this sort of thing. I never feel in the way or a bother when I do this. I haven't felt on display. Yet. . . . I usually go at non-busy times too. Mornings are best.

Last time we went I had a pack of orange gum. And I was totally indulgent about it. We chewed half a pack. I figured it was worth it.

He does announce "MINE!" a lot. And the latest is screaming, "THAT'S MY MOMMY!!!" I have no clue what that means to him. Unless he wants me all to himself. I dunno. But it's a funny enough thing to say that people are kinda charmed by it. I'm just confused.

The store is small enough that I can walk away from the checkers and play with him with the ball display while they check me out. I'm not that far away. As soon as they need me, into the regular cart seat he goes, and I give him a banana ASAP. This is our secret weapon. Bananas. It's like ice cream to him.

Again, I really imagine our trips don't look much different from your trips. And I'm about ready to either go completely alone or completely with DH. He already offered to make it a family event this evening. OoooOOoOooOOoooOOO -- a date to the grocery store! And I'm thrilled.

C

[Close2MyHeart]

We just avoid all samples so they never ask for them. It eliminates that problem for us...

I hadn't thought about the "Try Again" for Karah. Sometimes I forget that she could really 'get' that and undersatnd it completley. I think I'll try that w/ her. She's so over-the-top emotional lately...