? about attached teens

[Oliveshoots]

For those who have raised your teens/pre-teens AP and/or GBD....do you find this scenario to be true or not true for your relationship with your child?

"oh you just wait. when they become teenagers, they won't talk to you about anything. she'll talk to her stepdad, but not to me."

"oh you just wait. you say now that you won't buy him c*ndoms or put her on the pill, but what else are you going to do to keep him/her from teen pregnancy?"

I hear from so many people that the teen years are just ridden with distance, arguments, smart aleckness, etc. And that there is really no escaping it, and I might as well be ready.

Honestly, I am terrified of the teen years. We have worked SO HARD to be securely attached, and I feel so close to my dh and my dc's right now....I can't imagine there coming a time where our children would not seek us out in times of hardship and temptation....and I especially get upset when I think about my precious son and daughter not wanting to talk to me at all! DH and I share the same philosophy that your family members ARE your best friends...that we want to enjoy each other, laugh, love, grow, and learn together. I picture in my mind, someday when the kids are teens, traveling to exotic places, going on overseas mission trips, laying around on Sundays watching movies and laughing, staying up late playing cards and drinking coffee....going hiking together...all the fun and awesome things that dh and I have enjoyed doing together and with our buddies. I want to have that with my kids and my dh!!!

So, IYO, are we doomed to this non-communicative rebellious teen stage?
Do you think APing and GBDing have an effect on these behaviors?
Do you think it's selfish of me to want my children to "like" me and want to "hang out" with me when they are that age?
Honestly, I would be perfectly happy to have a mama's boy and a mama's girl....in the sense that they will never be ashamed to hug and kiss me and dh, and will find comfort in spending time with us....is that selfish? Part of me believes it is part of God's plan for a family to have this type of relationship and camaraderie (sp?). But I also feel pretty selfish in desiring that. But isn't that what family is for? Not that I will hinder them from "taking flight" when they are ready and want to. And it's not even as though I want them to be within a 5 minute drive for the rest of their lives. (although that would be my dream, I'm willing to accept them moving away/leaving home.) i think you can still have that connection/attachment even if they are living halfway around the world and I only see them once a year. It's more of a relationship thing I guess. I know I'm rambling, I'm just trying to express what my fears and concerns are.

What do you think?

I know it's way early for me to be fretting over this with my ds (2 y.o.) and dd (8 m.o.) but I see so many wierd teen/parent relationships at my church. And I just worry. And I'm just curious as to whether or not my "slice of the world" is typical everywhere else, especially in AP/GBD families.

[abbiroads]

i'm interested too.

[mamaKristin]

Ok, don't have teens yet...but I'm not scared of the teen years at all. DH and I worked in youth ministry for years and I think the most valuable thing we learned is that teenagers are still people too! So many people treat teens like they are from another planet (and sometimes they act that way, strange music and stuff...to us that is). Really, I maintained a pretty good relationship with my parents through my teen years because they *gasp* talked to me! Took my strange hair colors, loud music and strange clothes in stride...and treated me like a human. This is something that I don't see enough of with parents. There are many, many parents who freak out about their kids hitting 12 or 13 and stop treating them like people and seem to see them more like strange creatures to be observed from a distance and controlled at all costs. Not saying that treating your kids like people will be the only thing that will keep them connected, but it sure helped me.

In observing families of teens, the parents and teens who seemed to be the most connected were the families where the teens felt valued and loved, despite their strange habits of sleeping in and listening to loud music...or whatever they were into. Also, the families where the parents spent time with thier kids doing stuff, not pricey, fancy stuff, but things like making dinner together, seemed to be the ones where the kids were less into hiding themselves from their parents. Also the ones that prayed for their kids - that helped. Sometimes teens are rude and *out there*, but I think that's part of their growing up....not a nice part, but it's part of what they are doing...age appropriate expectations don't always go away at age 12!

Ok, enough rambling...hope some of this made sense....

[Oliveshoots]

del

[Amber]

Originally Posted by mamaKristin

In observing families of teens, the parents and teens who seemed to be the most connected were the families where the teens felt valued and loved, despite their strange habits of sleeping in and listening to loud music...or whatever they were into. Also, the families where the parents spent time with thier kids doing stuff, not pricey, fancy stuff, but things like making dinner together, seemed to be the ones where the kids were less into hiding themselves from their parents.

I totally agree! I also don't have teens, but do work in youth ministry. During the teen years kids are tyring to find themselves. They need to be given some freedom to do this, but also have the soft place of a family to fall on. I think listening to what they have to say is so important.

Originally Posted by kosmom

What I would DIE over is if my baby girl started wanting to dress like Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. Or if she was as boy crazy as I was in high school.

I don't know if there is much you can do to prevent the boy crazy phase...But I think you can influence the way she dresses, teaching her that you can still be stylish and attractive without dressing in skimpy clothes.

[Myrtle]

ok, I'm not coming at this with any experience raising teens, and I know there may be lots of people who have raised teens who'll think I"m nuts. I often hate getting advice about dd from people without kids, but that said, dh and I have thought a lot about the teen years already (even though they're still 12 years away), and we've got some ideas...

I really don't think it's too early to start thinking about this. It's often helpful to have long-term goals b/c that affects how you handle short-term goals. One of our long-term goals is to not have a rebellious teen period. And I don't think it's inevitable that the teen years are full of rebellion. God warns against being rebellious, and I believe as parents we have a responsibility to guide our children away from rebellion, smart alecness, etc just as any other sin. It's not just b/c we want them to do what we say, but more importantly it's b/c when they rebel against us, it damages their relationship with the Lord.

During the teen years, they will be testing the waters of adulthood. I think it's important to give them opportunities to take on more responsibilities, but also to give them a safe place to fall back if they can't handle it. Start with small, safe opportunities, and as they show they can handle a little, give them more. God does that with us (Luke 19:17). Encourage them to grow. I think some of the rebellion comes from wanting to grow up, not knowing how to do it, and not feeling like they're allowed to do it. Let them know you're proud of them when they make wise choices. Even if it makes us sad to see them grow, it would sure make us sadder if we saw them stagnate, if they never grew at all.

I think GBD has got to have an effect on all this. One of the things I like most about it is that it encourages teaching children. It's not "Don't do that b/c I'm the mom and I said so." It's "We shouldn't do such and such b/c of these reasons..." That type of training up a child will help her know the reasons behind the rules, so breaking a rule will be more serious. There were tons of things I did as a teen that were just plain stupid, but a lot of the serious mistakes I made were when I tried follow my own desires to sin b/c I didn't see why such and such was a sin. I had friends who could justify their actions (although now I can see how faulty their reasoning was), and I didn't have anything to fall back on as to why I shouldn't do such and such other than Mom and Dad said so, or the church said so. I knew things were probably wrong, but I didn't know why, so I went ahead anyways b/c they didn't seem so bad at the time. GBD seems to be a great way to avoid that. Kids will grow up learning how to reason things out, and it seems that should help them make better decisions in the long run. (Again, God encourages us to reason together Isaiah 1:18) They will have opportunities to practice making decisions in the safety of their home many times before they will have the chance to make those life-altering decisions that come with adolesence.

Also, you will have laid years and years worth of foundational trust, so even if you've not prepared them with how to handle a particular situation, hopefully they will know you well enough to know how you'd prefer they handle it, and they'll go with your ways b/c they know you have their best interest at heart and want to protect them from painful consequences that can accompany poor decisions. Isn't that what God does with us? He tells us not to commit adultery, not to keep us from having extramarital "fun" but b/c He loves us and knows that monogomy really is the best way for us to be satisfied in a relationship, and He wants to protect us from the pain that comes from broken trust, torn relationships, divorce, etc... And the closer we are to Him, the more we know how He'd want us to react in a situation even if we haven't read about it in the Bible, b/c we know His character and that guides our decision making.

So many people say, "Just wait til you have a teenager." Even people without teens. There's this societal expectation that the teen years are going to be terrible and we should all brace ourselves. That's ridiculous, imho, and it's a dangerous mindset. You tell yourself and your kids often enough that the teen years will be awful, and I guarantee they will be. In our household, it will be not be expected to be a bad time. As a matter of fact, rebellion will never be an acceptable expectation in our home. And dd will not grow up with the expectation that adolesence will be terrible. I know there may be difficult times, and hormones may be raging, and there will be times we're both PMSing, but that's no reason to allow sin to become acceptable in our home. We'll all be growing in our walk with God, and we'll be encouraging each other, spurring each other on to love and good deeds (Heb 10:24).

And just in case you're wondering if this is really a possibility in the world we live in today, our pastor's daughter is 16 and an excellent example of these ideas in practice. Also, I babysat for 3 children who have since grown to be 17, 14, and 12, and I see it in their lives also. So it is possible. Of course, that's just 4 kids out of a million that I've seen turn out that way, but still, it's possible!!

[lenswyf]

Dd is 18 and leaving for college next week. She has been a joy, from beginning to end. We never went through all the teen angst, and I can honestly say that I like her.

For us, one thing that I think helped tremendously began when she was much younger. I would share stories with her about my youth -- things that I got in trouble for, things that hurt me, things that brought me joy, things that were funny. And she would share her stories with me. We kept that up all through her teen years, and it just made us closer. I think beginning when she was young helped establish that I did know how she felt and I wasn't perfect either, which made it easier for her to open up.

My dd is turning 16 in October. She is kind, generous, loving, funny, smart and has a wonderful relationship with G-d, her young siblings and her parents. My dh is her stepfather - since she was 6, but the only "daddy" she has ever known.

"oh you just wait. when they become teenagers, they won't talk to you about anything. she'll talk to her stepdad, but not to me."
She talks to me. She talks to him.
She tells us what she's feeling, whats happening at school, about boys she likes, girls she is friends with (or isn't), her feelings etc. She asks questions about G-d, politics, movies and books. We have always had a wonderfully open relationship.

She also thinks we're extremely "cool" because we let her dye her hair. So far it ihas been hot pink, orange, red and now its black with a pink chunk/highlight in front. I told her that I'm ok with her expressing herself and experimenting with her looks - as long as we do it together. I'm the one who dyes her hair .
She has no interest in drinking, smoking, drugs - and she understands that if at some point that changes she can talk to us. She has had sips of wine and beer (she prefers wine) once she turned 13 at various special occasions...ie.champagne at a cousins wedding, wine at my 40th birthday party, a few sips of beer on our family camping trip.

"oh you just wait. you say now that you won't buy him c*ndoms or put her on the pill, but what else are you going to do to keep him/her from teen pregnancy?" Chels has taken a personal vow of celebacy for now. She watched me pregnant and have a csection and nurse baby sister, and was there when I pushed her brother out and cut his cord as I passed the placenta. She knows what having a baby is all about and has told me flat our she's "not doing that" til she's happily married with a career and ready to committ her life to raising her children. She knows sex leads to pregnancy and in some cases to sexually transmitted diseases and aids. She has no desire at this point to have sexual relations with a boy and only recently had her first kiss. She doesn't "date" but hopes to "court" when she's old enough to seriously consider a relationship with a man and marriage. Tho she knows daddy and I lived together 3 years before our wedding. We talk and we talk and we talk. We talk about what sex means within a marriage and what it means outside of marriage.

Recently she told me she's having esteem issues because one of her breasts is significantly smaller then the other. She wanted to talk about reduction /augmentation surgery. In the end she decided it is not something she's willing to do now because she might lose sensitivity and that is not something she's willing to give up before she even knows what it feels like and also because she doesn't want to risk not being able to nurse. We agreed to help her find bras and shirts that minimize the difference for now and talk about surgical options when she's older. Dad shared that his first girlfriend had the same issue and he loved her for who she was, not how big one breast was. lol

We TALK .
alot.
Did i mention that?

I believe that the teen years have been very special and watching my baby grow into a woman has been an amazing experience for all of us. Helping her make good choices. Watching her make good choices. My kid kNOWS that if she's at a party (yes, we do allow her to attend parties if parents are home) and something happens she is uncomfortable with, that she can call us ANYTIME. (that whole nighttime parenting things continues...). She knows if she's sleeping over a girlfiends house and something weird happens we will come get her at 4am and do so without anger - we TRUST her to know right from wrong and get herself out of bad situations and know that we'll assist her in that.

I believe that GD and attached parenting have helped us to help our child grow into an amazing young woman who I'm very proud of. Don't be afraid of the teen years - they can be magical as well. You don't stop being a parent - you parent differently.

Yes we have eye rolling sometimes, forgetting to take out the trash, hours on the phone, we've dealt with grades falling, failing her permit test
and i'm sure we will deal with a whole lot more.

But its not frightening. And I'm proud to be the parent of an amazing teenager

I have an 18 year old son

I didn't start out my parenting of him with a focus on grace at all. I didn't even have a clear understanding of God's grace for me. I wasn't brought up that way. I was raised in very legalistic, punative church circles. That said, I don't believe it is EVER too late to work on relationship with your kids. Thanks to God's grace and mercy toward us we have a great relationship with our teenager. We went through some tough years .... let's see... his sixth grade year was very difficult. But we made the choice to homeschool him in seventh grade. I asked him one time what turned him around. He said "homeschooling." The big reason we homeschooled? So we could have more positive time with him.

He has commented many times on how our parenting has changed over the last eight + years. I am so grateful as I watch him with my younger boys. I have thought many times that God was good to give us three miscarriages and some grief before our second child was born.

So... I don't think the teen years are something to worry about. Your focus on RELATIONSHIP will pay off. Keeping the lines of communication open, not being defensive when they have ways of showing how they are separate/different from you, etc. We've given our son freedom within basic boundaries to be himself--even if things he likes are a bit different from us

I am LOVING his teen years.

[poleidopy]

Recently she told me she's having esteem issues because one of her breasts is significantly smaller then the other. She wanted to talk about reduction /augmentation surgery. In the end she decided it is not something she's willing to do now because she might lose sensitivity and that is not something she's willing to give up before she even knows what it feels like and also because she doesn't want to risk not being able to nurse. We agreed to help her find bras and shirts that minimize the difference for now and talk about surgical options when she's older. Dad shared that his first girlfriend had the same issue and he loved her for who she was, not how big one breast was. lol

That's so amazing that you can be so honest & open w/your dd! Makes me so happy & want to be a great mom!! You are a great mama! It just made me a little sad because my mom & I never had a close relationship. She was never trustworthy for me to tell her things in confidence, and instead of making me feel comfortable in my body, she would be the one to point out "Ha, Ha! One of your boobs is bigger!" I hope someday I can have a close relationship with my teenagers. I am so glad I have you ladies here for advice & support!!!!

[mamaKristin]

Those are some amazing testimonies of life with teenagers! I am actually looking forward to the teen years with my kids. (try saying that to a group of people who are more than willing to *warn* you about how awful it is ) I'm not expecting perfection in our relationships, but rather I plan to extend grace to them as they go through their teen years...just like I try to do now. I can't wait to see what kind of people they will develop into! (and besides...I think I'm more scared by 8 to 10!! )

[domesticzookeeper]

I haven't read through all the posts, but I do want to add this because it's something I have noticed from working in youth ministry:

Too many parents get trapped in a self-fulfilling prophesy. They think it's pretty much inevitable that as soon as their kids hit the teen years, they will become rude, rebellious, engage in risky behaviors, and generally be at odds with their parents. Talk about assigning negative intent!

And of course, if you expect your kids to act like that, they usually won't let you down

I think what Kristin said sums it up nicely: teens are people too

[Oliveshoots]

wow.....this is some great stuff!! And so encouraging!! I need to print off this thread....

I am really inspired by what a couple of you have said outright (and some of you have said subtlely) about the "self-fulfiling prophecy" and "expectation of the teen years to be horrible." I really want to go into it with the kind of attitude that it won't be as horrible as society says it will be.

Thanks for sharing your stories and experiences....I'm feeling more at peace with my worries. And also encouraged to know that I'm laying that foundation now that will have a positive effect on our relationship then.

I am so totally interested in what the other Moms have to say here, as I'm entering into the teen years myself. To tlll the truth, we've always tried to keep the lines of communication very open and casual, and so far, we have had questions of *ALL* sorts (blush) come up around the dinner table. And even if there weren't questions, per se, my husband or I are always very clear about what our views are and where we stand on moral issues, whenever something comes up on TV or the news or whatever, how to treat women (We have only sons) and things like that. Hopefully, it won't be so bad. We want them to have a healthy view of sex: that it's a wonderful, loving way to express desire and love in a commited, married relationship, and that it's a respectful relationship between two people and covered by the word of God. My boys have been aware of sexual relationship since their childhoods, and I've done everythign I COULD to prepare them to be husbands in the future: Godly, CHRISTIAN husbands. Hopefully, some of it will actually sink in! Who knows???? As far as rebellion, I expect some, I guess. Hair and clothes, etc. But we have a saying: Choose our battles. That being said, let's see what the future holds! LOL!