Leaving my kid with someone else...*sob*

Alright, DS is 15 months and I've never left him. I mean, once I left him with my mom while I ran and got us lunch but that took about 15 minutes. And I leave him with DH sometimes, but it's very rare that DH and I aren't together when he's home, so in all honesty, that's been pretty infrequent.

I'm not anxious to leave him. DH isn't anxious to leave him. We keep saying that some day, there will be an event or something we want do to that's important enough to warrant finding a sitter, but that "thing" just hasn't come up yet.

My mom and my MIL are REALLY pushing leaving him now that he's over a year. Here's why I don't want to:

1) He's still nursing and though he'd probably be fine, there are times that he just wants nursies and nothing else will do. I would feel awful if that happened and I wasn't there.
2) My IL's and my mom are both slappers. They advocate hand slapping for bad behavior (reaching for outlets, stove knobs, etc). I absolutely do not want anyone slapping my kid.

I guess that's about it. We're uneasy about leaving DS with my mom alone because she's a little mentally unstable, but I don't think he'd be in any danger.

I do have friends who parent the same way we do and who I'm sure would be willing to watch DS if we needed it.

But what I want to know is if we're OK, or if we're wierd and too attached. Should we suck it up and just leave him for an hour or two with someone and get it over with? Am I going to damage him by not leaving him with someone? Is it going to make it harder when we actually do need to leave him?

[kycanonist]

I'm much like you... I love my IL's a lot, but they were/are spankers and we're not. They have no problems spanking my SIL's kids, but we're not spankers.

They know that about us. We also had a talk with them before we left DD with them for the first time. We told them that if they ever lay a hand on her that way, they will never care for her again. Ever. We feel that strongly about it. We also regularly talk about how we parent DD in front of them. They know and understand our extended nursing, so it's pretty good.

I think if you want to try it for an hour or so after a conversation like that, then go for it. Just go to McDonald's if that's all you can handle for separation right now. It's okay. You can always extend that over time. I remember the first time we left DD... I wanted to call every 10 mins! And we talked about her the whole time!

Seriously, if you don't feel comfortable with your parents doing it, then find another parent who parents like you do and do a "swap"... you can watch their kid(s) for an evening and they watch yours. That way, you know that there is someone who is parenting just like you are. I would trust anyone in my LLL group this way.

Jacqui

[Amber]

We have left our ds with my MIL a few times. My ILs are pro-spanking, but DH had a talk with them about how we don't spank etc, and MIL is willing to go along with it saying that it is our decision how we want to discipline our DC. I think that it is a good idea to have the option to get out with you DH just the two of you every once in a while...that said my DH and I haven't been on a date since I can't remember when. I agree with the PP don't leave you ds if you aren't comfortable with the situation.

I have some friends that we can swap babysitting with who I trust completly. Go grab a quick bite of lunch, cup of coffee or go for a walk.

On the other hand, if you aren't ready to leave him with someone else then just wait.

[DogwoodMama]

you're not weird. I'm the same way- dd has stayed with dh & that's it. She's not ready (still) to stay with someone else when I'm not in the vicinity, & that's OK. She'll get there one day!

[Wonder Woman]

if you dont feel ready, and he doesn't seem ready why bother? There's no expiry date by which your ds will be harmed if he's not left without you Not harming any of you, at all.

[phathui5]

I wouldn't leave your baby with the hand slappers and here's why: a lot of the people I know that slap kids' hands do it almost as a reflex. The kid goes to touch something and they automatically slap. It's not controlled like some people who spank. And because your baby isn't old enough to tell you, you would never know if MIL or someone did it without thinking.

[Radosny Matka]

No, I don't think you are at all too attached. My oldest is 4, and I can count one one hand (okay, one and 1-/2) the times we have left him with others. Part of that reason is because we live far from family. The other part is that I actually LIKE being with my children (imagine that ). I only leave them if I absolutely have too. And you know what, my 4 year old is friendlist, most attached, yet confident kid. You don't need to leave your child for them to learn independance. In fact, it's the exact opposite. If you are not comfortable with it and have no real reason to do so, there's no need to leave them. Just my 2 cents.

Alright, I'm going to stop stressing about it, then. Sometimes pressure from everyone IRL makes it hard to stick with your instincts! Thanks.

When you're ready and DS is ready, you'll know. And that will happen on your own schedules, not anyone else's. I knew we were ready one evening when we were at our in-law's house, and DS was playing puzzles with my MIL. We were leaving to go eat dinner with friends, and DS did not want to go. He was having too much fun playing! So MIL offered for him to stay while we went out, and even though it was just for an hour, we had a blast. He just looked up from the puzzle and told us "Bye!" He obviously was not traumatized.

We don't do it often, and not for very long. But dinner at a nice table-service restauraunt, where I am only responsible for enjoying my own dinner, is a beautiful thing every now and then.

But there is no way I would leave him with a hand-slapper. No way, no how. Go with your instincts!

I don't think you should feel any pressure to leave her by any particular age. But I do think that you should strategize about having other people in her life that she's attached to enough so that, when you do decide to leave her with someone else for a hour or two, it's with someone she feels safe with. If the grandparents make you uneasy (it would me, too), make sure dd spends time with a friend or friends or yours who you look forward to entrusting her with when needed.

It's REALLY wonderful to get to the point where there are some people that your daughter can get actually EXCITED about getting to be with, even if a little sad, when she realizes that you will have to leave.

I think that the unique and unfortunate thing about living in the times we live in, is that we don't have both the benefit of children being with their moms/parents full-time and simultaneously being with an extended support group. Maybe I'm just being romantic, but I envision this as one of the best things about the old-fashioned "village" experience that preceded our modern life. Nowadays the two basic choices we have are to be isolated stay-at-home-moms OR have our kids exposed to a lot of people but without the tenderness of sufficient mother-attachment, etc.

LOL - I love the Little House On the Prairie TV series and was having these same thoughts while watching it the other morning (DS slept very late and I decided to make the most of it by not getting out of bed until he woke up...I stayed in bed through TWO episodes of Little House that morning - until 11:00. Talk about heavenly.)