Are You Ever Paranoid...?

[chelsea]

Tomorrow my little guy and I will be getting together with some other moms of young kids from our church. As far as I know, they are all spankers. As much as I shouldn't care, I find myself worrying when we go to gatherings that if my son misbehaves they are going to expect me to spank him and judge me when I don't. BTW, he is a well-behaved little boy but like every toddler, he has his "moments". I know I shouldn't care about what other people think, after all their children are not better behaved or anything...but I feel like when you are a non-spanking parent people almost set you to a higher standard. When their kids misbehave, they are just being kids, but when your kids misbehave it is "because you don't spank". I keep telling myself these thoughts are just the "fear of man" and that parenting is one of God's reminders to be humble. So why do I keep thinking these thoughts? Do any of you ever feel this way or am I simply delusional?

[Teribear]

I actually don't think that's paranoia. When DD was that age I was a closet non-spanker IRL. Its only in the last couple of years (when DD reached school age and I had YEARS of people telling me how delightful she was to fall back on) that I came out as a non-spanker. I just honestly didn't want that pressure on DD OR on me. When I needed to discipline I always did it privately (DD embarassed VERY easily) and I never saw the need to correct their assumption that I was taking her out to spank her, if that was the assumption they made.

But if these people already KNOW that you don't spank, let me encourage you to NOT let that pressure cause you to treat your DS any differently. I know that is hard. We are all succeptable to peer pressure. Just remember that you're the parent God chose for your DS and that HE has convicted you to parent the way you do and ultimately what others think pales in comparision to that. mama, you're doing great!

well, I tried to be a closet non spanker but word gets around pretty fast I just dont talk about it really. But I know the feeling of if their kids misbehave its them being kids but with ours its because we dont spank... very irritating.

I think it was hard at first just becuase I was doing something so extremely different that I felt very paranoid and self conscious but now after while, Im pretty much over it and more confident in my decisions I still have my moments, but its much better

[TulipMama]

Paranoid? Not really. Majorly stressed? Yes.

Especially when we were in Ukraine and the other Americans we worked with all had Ezzo on their shelves.

Especially since I had four young, active boys and the other families had either older children, or only one child, or quiet girls.

It was only in the last six months we were there that I got over that stress. Partly because my boys were a bit older and a bit more predictable. And partly because God gave me peace. And partly because I was more confident in how GBD was "working" for our family.

*hug*

What I find interesting is that *you* are worried about *them*. Chances are, they will be too paranoid to spank around you, especially if they know you are a non-spanker. Check out some of the punitive boards -- they are always talking about how paranoid they are to spank in public, even going so far as to drawing little tick marks on the hands of little ones to indicate how many swats they will get when they get home, or referring to spanking as "time out" in public for any listening ears. Or "that's 1...that's 2...that's 3, etc" which is supposed to make you think they are doing that 1-2-3 magic stuff, but really that's 1 swat, 2 swat, 3 swats, etc when they get home. Now then... who is paranoid?? So chances are, they won't be spanking in your presence (or, maybe they will, who knows) I kwym about how when it's their kids acting up, it's "just being kids", but when yours do "it's b/c they aren't spanked". The irony here is that I always get comments about how well behaved my children are. I mean ALWAYS. Almost every time we are out, literally. Now, that could be because I have 4 of them, so people are naturally "looking" more, lol, and maybe are surpised to see a mom w/a large family who has it under control (for the most part! ack! LOL) But some people about die when they learn I am not spanking (and I think, having gone as long as we have w/GD it's safe to say at this point that the spanking has nothing to do with it -- my kids definitely know by now that we don't spank...not that I've NEVER had a relapse but in general, you kwim)

[cklewis]

Originally Posted by Teribear

I actually don't think that's paranoia. When DD was that age I was a closet non-spanker IRL.

Ah, Teri. It does my heart good to read this. 'Cause this is me right now. In time, I'll come out. And boy, I'll be the oddball when it happens. But not yet.

I think it depends on where or whom you're with. If a spanker is with a bunch of non-spankers, they might feel timid about it. OR visa versa. I think APMamaX4 brings up a VERY interesting dynamic. I haven't experienced that yet myself, but it sounds like those people are far from comfortable with their discipline philosophy! Sounds like a perfect time to swoop in with some boldness about GBD!

Maybe I'm just too private or shy, but I don't want others to know right now. The MO around here is that all spankings occur in private. Usually the bathroom. I see lots of tantruming kids leave lunch with their parents and then return in tears, and we all know what happened.

My feeling is that I can sweep DS away when he's overwhelmed with big feelings too. We leave. Maybe nurse or talk about birds or the coat hangers or something, and then we can return in a better humor. They don't have to know I'm *NOT* spanking.

Soon I am going to have to insist that DH and I will be the sole disciplinarians for our son. But that hasn't happened yet either. I'm praying through that one. . . .

C

[MarynMunchkins]

Uh...no. But I realized long ago that since I look 15 and have 3 kids, people are going to assume anything that happens is because I'm a bad parent. I stopped caring, and do what works.

I figure since I'm the oddball parent anyway, I might as well complete the effect. :P

Hi. I'm Chris, and I'm a closet non-spanker. Yes, I've stopped spanking about a year ago, and thanks to this support group, I am able to continue on in active parenting. It's been over 6 months since I last spanked (I goofed up once or twice, but got right back on track). I believe there are two people (including dh) irl who know that I don't believe in spanking, and one, maybe two, who *may* have suspicians. Unfortunately, I do not have really well-behaved children (we are dealing with a few issues, including ADHD, and LD). They are very sweet and bright, though, and comments are made to that effect. I am way outnumbered, heah in Adlanna, in Fundamental, Conservative, Baptist country, with people who preach spanking, and think spanking is Godly and the only way to save our children from certain hell. I believe I would be burned at the stake as a witch, horse-whipped, sent to a psychiatric ward, made to go through exorcism (to excise the demon spirits), or otherwise completely and totally ostracized as following worldly advice, if I were to publicly proclaim my "conversion". I hold out for the children's sake -- after all, the only social life they have is at church or with people we know from church. Yes. I'm a wimp. .

[Mother of Sons]

It's not paranoia. My step dad watches my kids like a hawk and if they do any little thing wrong, it's further proof to him that I should be spanking. If I was spanking, he'd consider it normal kid stuff. My kids ARE held to a higher standard.

[DogwoodMama]

I'm puzzled why "spanking" has become the apparent cornerstone of good parenting in so many cirles... Even if one *chose* to spank, shouldn't it be an occassional thing? Isn't the teaching, guiding, playing, cuddling, verbal correction and myriad of other things that I assume spankers & non-spankers alike both do the more "important" parenting stuff? Something seems very skewed to me...

Honestly, I'm not really paranoid about spanking now... what makes me more self-conscious is dd's new insistence to NIP all the time now, which she demonstrates while lunging sideways at my breast if I'm holding her.

[chelsea]

Or "that's 1...that's 2...that's 3, etc" which is supposed to make you think they are doing that 1-2-3 magic stuff, but really that's 1 swat, 2 swat, 3 swats, etc when they get home.

The poor kids must never want to go home at that rate!

The MO around here is that all spankings occur in private. Usually the bathroom. I see lots of tantruming kids leave lunch with their parents and then return in tears, and we all know what happened.
My feeling is that I can sweep DS away when he's overwhelmed with big feelings too. We leave. Maybe nurse or talk about birds or the coat hangers or something, and then we can return in a better humor. They don't have to know I'm *NOT* spanking.

Actually, when I am in public I am afraid that when my son has a moment at a restaurant or something and I take him for a walk (and yes, it is really for a walk) that people are going to think it is a code word for a spanking. I find that he doesn't like to sit too long doing nothing (can't blame him) and so if he has a "restaurant moment" I will take him out to look at the pictures on the wall, etc. The last time this happened I said "Should we go for a walk?" and one lady glared at me like I was going to take him out and spank him. I felt like saying "Hey, don't worry, he's not getting a spanking!" *SIGH*! You can't win, can you?! I've just decided to stop caring what other people think and keep on doing what I'm doing.

But I realized long ago that since I look 15 and have 3 kids, people are going to assume anything that happens is because I'm a bad parent. I stopped caring, and do what works.
I figure since I'm the oddball parent anyway, I might as well complete the effect.

Haha, I don't look that young (I only wish!) but I am the only single parent at the group who meets, so I have kind of thought the same thing! Sometimes I feel like since I'm a single parent people will look at me and think "She just doesn't know any better" which can be kind of frustrating in it's own way too.
Thank goodness we will answer to God and not other people for how we raise our children!

[HSing4Jesus]

Yes I have felt the exact same way!

[Marsha]

If anything, I feel superior to the spankers.
I haven't noticed (except on some particularly bad days) that my child is any worse than anyone else's. And I'm not around people who spank publicly or go around talking about it ala Pearls or something............more like the last resort, or occasional thing, and even then I'm guessing. So when they go off to cool down, I just assume they are going off to cool down, like I would do with my dd. Actually, we used to go and nurse for a second or two, instead of a time out or spanking, but it looks the same. you excuse yourself, find a quiet spot, and come back with a reasonably calm child.

[cklewis]

Originally Posted by BetsyPage

Honestly, I'm not really paranoid about spanking now... what makes me more self-conscious is dd's new insistence to NIP all the time now, which she demonstrates while lunging sideways at my breast if I'm holding her.

Or DS's learning to holler "PAH-POO!" At least's it's not "TITTIES!"

(((Chris))) We need to get together, don't we?

C

I just recently told my mother that I'm worried every time I have to take my Ds out of the service that everyone thinks I'm going to spank him. I don't want them thinking that about me. She just said "well not every Christian thinks that you have to spank". This board is proof of that.