Let Them Complain?

[chelsea]

Ok, my son is not to a whining/complaining stage yet, but I've got a question (brought on by watching someone else's child and wondering what the proper way to deal with it is.) When a child is mad about something (doesn't want to do something or wants to have something they can't have) and they start complaining, what should you do? I am new to GBD and I am having a hard time deciphering between it and permissiveness, and so I think I sometimes fall flat on my back onto the punitive side of the fence. Is asking a child to go complain alone the same as "stuffing feelings?" I need some "loving guidance" here myself!

I'm interested in hearing responses to this post, because I would've done exactly what you did. If my 3yo DD complains, I will let her voice her opinion and tell her i understand and explain why we can't do something she wants, if she keeps complaining, I just gently tell her to go and complain in her room as I am done talking abuot the subject and when she wants to talk nice she can come out again. She is usually gone for like 10 seconds and then comes back and is fine. I think they are testing us to see if there complaining will get us to cave in to their wants! Maybe what I do is not GBD, but it works! So hopefully neither of us will get flamed for this!!!!

I like what Crystal says about holding us hostage with their feelings, which I dont allow either. I give her a choice of whining in her room, or stop whining with me. I validate her feelings first. she usually chooses to stay with me sometimes though she does ask to go to her room and thats becuase she just may need a break anyway.

it sounds like the Grandma thing may have had a lot to do with it, becuase they are used to getting what they want from her? I might just say "in my home ____' in that situation? Im sure others will have better things to say than i

Sounds like you handled it well to me. It's how I STILL handle that sort of situation with my 12 and 15 yr olds when they start to whine about something. I tell them I understand their feelings, but that the whining isn't going to change the situation, so they can either stop whining and stay part of the group, or they can go to their room and get the whining out of their system.

Here is another vote for "You handled things the same way I would have." You mentioned being worried about "stuffing feelings" if you didn't let him continue whining and complaining. That is why it is important to hear what they are saying, communicate your understanding of how they feel, but then let them know that they may not express their feelings in an unacceptable manner or continue to harp on it. I think, that way, you allow them to express their feelings but teach them appropriateness.

With my 4 yo, I often have to say things like "Yes, I know you love hot chocolate and you are upset because you really wanted to have some right now but the complaining isn't going to change my mind. What would you like to drink instead?" She's gotten to the point now, although it has been a long and tiring road, where that is usually enough to stop the complaining/whining. I also say things like "I already answered you and I am not changing my mind." Sometimes, though, I have to remind her that I heard her the first time and if she wants to keep talking that way then she will have to go somewhere where I can't hear her. Yeah, sometimes it feels punitive but I think it is really just maintaining boundaries.

[ArmsOfLove]

I think you handled it well. The only thing I'd recommend is to make sure you reflect without invalidating--"You don't like my answer." Nothing else. No trying to convince him to be okay because that can result in him upping the reaction to convince you he is upset The only thing I might add is some direct teaching, "I know this behavior has worked in the past to get you what you want. It won't work with me. In this house we do not get what we want when we behave this way. Let me know when you're ready to learn how we behave here." And when he's ready I might offer him to acceptable choices and help him to respectfully be successful.

The only thing I'd recommend is to make sure you reflect without invalidating--"You don't like my answer." Nothing else.

When first learning about validating feelings, I thought that meant literally naming a feeling, but this example seems to be verbalizing more appropriately what they are immaturely communicating. I have tried saying, "You wish it was your turn and it is hard to wait..." or something similar but did not think this was validating feelings.

Hope this is as helpful to the OP as it is to me!

[ArmsOfLove]

Well reflecting feelings is just naming the feeling--you are angry, but can include more of a description . Validating is communicating clearly that the feeling is normal and appropriate--even if the expression of it isn't

Ohhh, yes! Reflecting and validating are two separate yet similar things!

Someone these two terms got fuzzy for me. Thanks for defining them for me!

On that "AHAH" moment, I am going to bed... I don't think I can process much more tonight!