Grrrr - this needs to stop!

Radosny Matka · 04-21-2005, 07:30 PM

This situation is beyond old.

Everytime, and I mean EVERY time we put Nathaniel down for either a nap or bedtime, he will cry. He doesn't cry when put down, but after a few minutes. Sometimes 5 mintues later, sometimes 10...he always cries.

We usually have to go back up to him 2 times a night. It's for silly reasons - I need a toy, I need a drink, I'm lonely, I'm need something (yes, he will actually say something

). I am sick and tired of these games!

It needs to stop. He never used to do this, and we are fed up. Tonight I went up there for cry episode #2 and he told me he wanted daddy. I told him that Daddy was already sleeping, and that he needed to sleep too. He started screaming.

I gave him a hug and told him it was bedtime. I left and he had a major

. Oh, did he ever scream bloody murder. Now Patrick was back up and fussing. I rocked him back to sleep, all the while Nathaniel is having a

(I don't think this emoticon is strong enough for his fit

) in his bed. After Patrick was asleep, I went back up. I opened the door and Nathaniel says, "I am having a fit." I said, "yes, I see that." I have to admit, I was

inside! I covered him back up with his blankets, gave him a hug, and I believe he is now sleeping. So, advice please. How can I help him overcome this? I want to note that I don't mind going to him for legitimate reasons. I don't want him to think that I won't come to him if he cries. Advice? Suggestions?

ArmsOfLove · 04-21-2005, 07:35 PM

first

You said that he never used to do this . . . what changed? when did this start?

also, there is a real reason--it's not games. It's just that what he really needs is probably not what he's asking for. When you figure out the real need and can meet that the issue will resolve.

jujubnme · 04-21-2005, 07:37 PM

Have you tried maybe letting him listen to a music or story CD as he goes to sleep? We've done this with Julius, and it seems to help him not feel so lonely or restless as he lies in his bed. We just make sure the stories aren't too intense.

Radosny Matka · 04-21-2005, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

first

You said that he never used to do this . . . what changed? when did this start?

also, there is a real reason--it's not games. It's just that what he really needs is probably not what he's asking for. When you figure out the real need and can meet that the issue will resolve.

Well, this started when I started working. I worked for a few months when pg with Patrick. It stopped when I quit working. It started again when Patrick arrived. I know that this is probably part of the adjustment. I really think he is doing it for the attention. He doesn't get as much as he used too simply because our time is divided now. So, what should I do? I have 2 kids to take care of now.

ArmsOfLove · 04-21-2005, 08:04 PM

You might want to get ahold of "I love you rituals" by Becky Bailey and implement some rituals for transitioning when you leave and when you come back, and especially for bedtime. They will help you maintain your connection.

Radosny Matka · 04-21-2005, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

You might want to get ahold of "I love you rituals" by Becky Bailey and implement some rituals for transitioning when you leave and when you come back, and especially for bedtime. They will help you maintain your connection.

Well, to be honest, I haven't read the book, but I'm also not sure how it would work. I tried the bedtime ritutal mentioned in "easy to love" but ds hated it. He said no and pushed me away.

He would much rather be read to at night. Suggestions?

ArmsOfLove · 04-21-2005, 08:46 PM

often children reject rituals because they want to see how serious you are about doing them. Of course reading together can be a ritual

You may need more and different ones

the key is to get more connectors in the time that you have--more focused attention time, more rhythm and ritual. I truly believe that quality time happens in the context of quantity time but when you don't have the quantity you want then you have to make sure what you do have is as quality as you can make it

Joanne · 04-22-2005, 04:58 AM

Sara,

Now that you've returned to work, is he in other care? If so, I have other stuff to post about.

Have you told him, directly and often, that he is NOT the reason you are away more now?

You might have to try a very minimal interaction during bedtime. When he "calls" for you by crying, you might have to avoid asking "What do you need?" and simply remind him it's bedtime. I think the hugs and the explanations might be getting in the way. Have you tried sitting near him or his room until sleep?

MarynMunchkins · 04-22-2005, 05:21 AM

When Colin was born, I started nursing him to sleep in a rocking chair in Ana's room. She felt better because I was there, and I was getting them both to sleep at the same time.

Radosny Matka · 04-22-2005, 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joanne

Sara,

Now that you've returned to work, is he in other care? If so, I have other stuff to post about.

Have you told him, directly and often, that he is NOT the reason you are away more now?

You might have to try a very minimal interaction during bedtime. When he "calls" for you by crying, you might have to avoid asking "What do you need?" and simply remind him it's bedtime. I think the hugs and the explanations might be getting in the way. Have you tried sitting near him or his room until sleep?

I'm not working anymore. That was only for a few months when pg.

04-22-2005, 10:53 AM

maybe having him help in some small way with the new little one during bed times could give him a feeling of being an older brother more and also seeing that you have enough love to love on both of them at the same time just in different ways

SansSouci · 04-22-2005, 09:46 PM

Are you guys taking your time to do a good and consistent bedtime routine? My dad says that he believes strongly that that was the reason my bro and myself never gave them trouble going to bed/sleep. He really invested 10-20 min. with each of us individually each night. He read to us (Little House on the Prarie - the whole set - was something he read to me when I was in middle elementary school), then sang hymns (which he loves, and now I love too), and probably prayed. Then he did the burrito tuck to tuck me in! And that was it.

Anyways, I have not the experience of parenting an older child (mine just turned 2), but I thought I would share with you my dad's insight. Maybe that helps?

When he is calling for you, have you asked if he needs to use the restroom? I would assume you'd already thought of that... but it's something that was recommended (as the 1st thing you do when a child comes to you from bed) in a book I read.

Good luck. I sure hope the situation improves for you.

love,
Elizabeth

04-23-2005, 01:38 AM

Wish I could help. We have issues with this also, but just aren't addressing them now, because we're trying to deal with so many other things. I do know that threats don't work, we used to do that a lot. Now we just keep reminding.... It's not so much an issue with oldest dd.

It's easier on no nap or short nap days.

04-21-2005, 07:30 PM	#1
Radosny Matka Rose Garden I am so blessed! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: somewhere between sane and crazy Posts: 26,922	Grrrr - this needs to stop! This situation is beyond old. Everytime, and I mean EVERY time we put Nathaniel down for either a nap or bedtime, he will cry. He doesn't cry when put down, but after a few minutes. Sometimes 5 mintues later, sometimes 10...he always cries. We usually have to go back up to him 2 times a night. It's for silly reasons - I need a toy, I need a drink, I'm lonely, I'm need something (yes, he will actually say something ). I am sick and tired of these games! It needs to stop. He never used to do this, and we are fed up. Tonight I went up there for cry episode #2 and he told me he wanted daddy. I told him that Daddy was already sleeping, and that he needed to sleep too. He started screaming. I gave him a hug and told him it was bedtime. I left and he had a major . Oh, did he ever scream bloody murder. Now Patrick was back up and fussing. I rocked him back to sleep, all the while Nathaniel is having a (I don't think this emoticon is strong enough for his fit ) in his bed. After Patrick was asleep, I went back up. I opened the door and Nathaniel says, "I am having a fit." I said, "yes, I see that." I have to admit, I was inside! I covered him back up with his blankets, gave him a hug, and I believe he is now sleeping. So, advice please. How can I help him overcome this? I want to note that I don't mind going to him for legitimate reasons. I don't want him to think that I won't come to him if he cries. Advice? Suggestions? __________________ Sara Wife to Love of my life 8/98 Momma to my precious children: N 17 years, P 13 years, O 5 years! Remembering our babies: 12/98 9/99 12/09 1/17

04-21-2005, 07:37 PM	#3
jujubnme Rose Garden Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. (James 3:18) Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 5,493	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! Have you tried maybe letting him listen to a music or story CD as he goes to sleep? We've done this with Julius, and it seems to help him not feel so lonely or restless as he lies in his bed. We just make sure the stories aren't too intense. __________________ ANDREA wife to my awesome dh since 8/2000 - mom to my sweet jujube ds since 9/2001 all INFPs, living in harmonious chaos. GLORY be to God for dappled things--- ... All things counter, original, spare, strange; Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?) With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim; He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change: Praise him. GERARD MANLY HOPKINS

04-21-2005, 08:04 PM	#5
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! You might want to get ahold of "I love you rituals" by Becky Bailey and implement some rituals for transitioning when you leave and when you come back, and especially for bedtime. They will help you maintain your connection. __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

04-21-2005, 08:46 PM	#7
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! often children reject rituals because they want to see how serious you are about doing them. Of course reading together can be a ritual You may need more and different ones the key is to get more connectors in the time that you have--more focused attention time, more rhythm and ritual. I truly believe that quality time happens in the context of quantity time but when you don't have the quantity you want then you have to make sure what you do have is as quality as you can make it __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

04-22-2005, 04:58 AM	#8
Joanne Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 8,066	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! Sara, Now that you've returned to work, is he in other care? If so, I have other stuff to post about. Have you told him, directly and often, that he is NOT the reason you are away more now? You might have to try a very minimal interaction during bedtime. When he "calls" for you by crying, you might have to avoid asking "What do you need?" and simply remind him it's bedtime. I think the hugs and the explanations might be getting in the way. Have you tried sitting near him or his room until sleep?

04-21-2005, 07:35 PM	#2
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! first You said that he never used to do this . . . what changed? when did this start? also, there is a real reason--it's not games. It's just that what he really needs is probably not what he's asking for. When you figure out the real need and can meet that the issue will resolve. __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

04-22-2005, 05:21 AM	#9
MarynMunchkins Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 38,127	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! When Colin was born, I started nursing him to sleep in a rocking chair in Ana's room. She felt better because I was there, and I was getting them both to sleep at the same time.

04-22-2005, 10:53 AM	#11
Lois Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! maybe having him help in some small way with the new little one during bed times could give him a feeling of being an older brother more and also seeing that you have enough love to love on both of them at the same time just in different ways

04-22-2005, 09:46 PM	#12
SansSouci Rose Garden Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 10,084	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! Are you guys taking your time to do a good and consistent bedtime routine? My dad says that he believes strongly that that was the reason my bro and myself never gave them trouble going to bed/sleep. He really invested 10-20 min. with each of us individually each night. He read to us (Little House on the Prarie - the whole set - was something he read to me when I was in middle elementary school), then sang hymns (which he loves, and now I love too), and probably prayed. Then he did the burrito tuck to tuck me in! And that was it. Anyways, I have not the experience of parenting an older child (mine just turned 2), but I thought I would share with you my dad's insight. Maybe that helps? When he is calling for you, have you asked if he needs to use the restroom? I would assume you'd already thought of that... but it's something that was recommended (as the 1st thing you do when a child comes to you from bed) in a book I read. Good luck. I sure hope the situation improves for you. love, Elizabeth __________________ Elizabeth DYT 4, HSP, ISTJ married 18 years to ISTJ DD 14y/o ESFJ DS 12 y/o GF/CF/etc. & Recovering from Autism I Juice Plus+ and sharing it with others. Fruits & veggies in a capsule or soft-chew!

04-23-2005, 01:38 AM	#13
LoveToReadMommy Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Grrrr - this needs to stop! Wish I could help. We have issues with this also, but just aren't addressing them now, because we're trying to deal with so many other things. I do know that threats don't work, we used to do that a lot. Now we just keep reminding.... It's not so much an issue with oldest dd. It's easier on no nap or short nap days.

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