major night problems

My dh and I are butting heads on co-sleeping and nighttime feeding. My 15 mo dd nurses 2-5 times a night, and while I know that this is because of teething or other issues, my dh thinks we need to stop this behavior. He is of the opinion that she should sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time.

It's getting to the point that I tell him this is the way it's going to be, and I don't want to continue downplaying his thoughts or emotions. I know that if I do, I'll end up making all the child-rearing decisions, and I want this to be a partbership. Any ideas for helping us come to a middle ground w/o sacrificing dd's needs?

[milkmommy]

Humm putting aside teething or illiness I'd kinda lean on DH's side . Personally i'd would have gone batty by now if I didn't have a child who "overall" didn't sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. Maybe I'm just lucky mine takes more than 2-3 hour naps.... but... umm what we want isn't always what we get Is he willing to help or is he just spouting complaints? Like when we decided to night wean our DD, I told DH he'd also have to help.. that just because we were going to gently help her streach her sleep didn't mean we were going to ingnore her. That if is solution was going to be to cover his head and pretend DD didn't exist then DD was going to stay attached to my breast.

Deanna

[DogwoodMama]

Can you tell us more? Do you co-sleep? How is it disruptive to you dh?

I have a 16 month old who sleeps with us... she also nurses 2-5 times a night, though she has some nights when she sleeps through (12-6 or 7 a.m.). I don't manage her sleep, nurse her if she indicates she wants to. But she is moving towards sleeping longer and nursing less overall... My dh, however, has no clue what she is doing, and unless she pokes him (she does occassionally! ), he doesn't really care. But I guess her nursing doesn't disturb me that much.

So I guess what I'm wondering is whether it is REALLY a problem for your dh, meaning is his sleep being disturbed, or is it just THEORETICALLY a problem for your dh, meaning he just thinks she's nursing too much. Really, what she is doing is perfectly normal, for the reasons you said. There are, however, some things you could do, gradually and gently over time, to reduce night-wakings, but I guess I wouldn't advise that unless it is REALLY a problem, because you will be parenting at night for a while no matter what, b/c many babies and toddler do wake up, and I just find nursing is easier for me to deal with.

I say this in part b/c of what my SIL went through... 1-2 times a night from age 1-3, her dd would wake the house up SCREAMING for milk... (she weaned at 3 months). My SIL or BIL had to get out of bed, get her milk, get her re-settled, etc., it was very disruptive to everyone. In contrast, my dd still nurses at night usually, but I'm really not aware of it or bothered by it. So I find that in our family, night-nursing is just easiest for everyone, including my dh.

I would really love to hear more specifics about your situation, though, b/c like I said, if there is a real problem, there are probably some gentle ways to help her sleep longer like Deanna is refering to, and i know moms here have done that. But I guess I would also say if it's not a problem, don't fix it.

[milkmommy]

Yea I'll ditto that for us it did get to a point where noone was getting sleep so something needed to give, but if shes just sleeping then waking a bit to latch on again then thats a whole nother story.

Deanna

Up until she was about 6 months old she only slept with us. Now on most nights, we put her to sleep in her crib first around 10 PM. Lately, she's been sleeping there until 2 AM, and then I bring her to bed with us for the rest of the night. I don't sleep well with her in bed, because I sleep on my back and there's just not enough room for all of us if I don't sleep on my side (I never could get a good night's sleep on my side, even during pregnancy). That's why she starts out in her crib.

Once she's in bed, she wants to nurse the rest of the night. I think it's more for comfort, since she falls asleep immediately, but wakes if I try to remove my nipple. Overall, I just can't sleep well with her attached, it hurts my back even when I use a pillow for support.

I think this is more of a theoretical issue (she SHOULD me doing ...) for my dh at this point. He would like to she her a bit more independent, but overall is pretty happy with this style of parenting. His sleep is being disturbed sometimes because dd flounders into him alot. I"ve also had a hard time lately with illness and sleep deprivation, so I'm not at my best. So, whenever I get irritated at night (I tend to be very irritated when I am sleep deprived), he mentions that she needs to begin sleeping on her own.

DH is willing to help, but I sense that this willingness is waning because of the "this is the way I'm doing it" routine I've pulled lately. I guess I'm just at a loss right now. Maybe it's just a stage?

I hope my rambling makes sense.