the bear hug, 101

[greenemama]

how long is this for you? typically. i mean, once you move in with one, how long does it normally last? at what point does your child relax instead of fight? henry and i spent about five minutes in one this afternoon because he just would not stop fighting it.

he took a truck from jude. i told him to give the truck back and when he threw it the other direction i took him over and "helped" him give the truck to jude. i then told him "do not take the truck from jude." he says, "ok, mommy." i turn around for five seconds and he's got the truck again and jude is pouting. so i take the truck and give it to jude and henry is jumping around screaming so i take him to his bed, the upstairs comfort corner, and tell him he needs to calm down, to stay on the bed. he then jumps off and screams and is jumping and running around. so i take him and put him into a bear hug on the bed. then he flails around (not too much, i'm strong!) and eventually relaxes about five minutes later. i then reiterated that he needs to stay om the bed when mommy puts him there, that he needed a break, etc. i didn't touch the taking of the toy thing again -- should i have?

does that look right? when do you know that the bear hug is "working" or if you are being too invasive.

i'm so lost!

[MarynMunchkins]

Ours usually last 5-10 minutes. Colin usually nurses in its stead. I just think more intense kids need a lot more hands on and intense parenting. I don't think it's failing just because he doesn't calm down and relax immediately.

I do understand thinking "Just chill out already!" though.

[greenemama]

so you nurse then, too? i understand nursing in the CC, but it seems like when he's gotten out of control as far as goofy thrashing goes nursing isn't the ticket. maybe i'm thinking too punitively, but i know that nursing would be something he found rewarding after he's been so crazy. i hate to admit that, that's how i feel, though. help me feel otherwise.

[MarynMunchkins]

Since the goal is to calm down, I do whatever works. Colin is a good bit younger than Henry - I don't know if I'd feel differently with one almost 3. I've never nursed that long.

But, in general, my philsophy is "do what works". I'm not at all concerned about him begging to nurse in high school because he's upset.

[ArmsOfLove]

Oh yeah--if they can calm down and want to nurse then that's great--but if they are aggressive I, personally, would not put my boo in the line of fire

I've had the Bear Hug last 30 seconds and once it was 45 minutes (we were working through some VERY big feelings and it was a very cathartic experience that changed a lot of things for us ).

[greenemama]

wow, 45 minutes! can you elaborate on that?

i think the bear hug we had yesterday (5 minutes or so) has helped henry want to go to the cuddle corner by himself rather than with me. i mean, when he's not going willingly i ask him if he wants me to sit and hold him and i think he's remembering the bear hug.

so, then, the goal of the bear hug is to help the child calm down. just to reiterate. ?

So, if it makes your child freak out even more, then you should just hang on? And it'll get better?

Bishop detests the bear hug with a passion...

[ArmsOfLove]

it all depends on what is going on. The purpose in the moment is to keep the child safe--to provide external boundaries when the internal ones have broken down.

the 45 minute bear hug was a unique situation. After reading Playful Parenting I realized that I'd been leaving dd alone with big feelings that she wasn't ready to process and she was carrying them all around unresolved. So I followed one of the suggestions in his book and the next time she started raging I carried her to my recliner and held her and told her that I was bigger than her big feelings, that I'd left her alone to deal with them too many times and I didn't realize I was doing that, and that I was going to help her get her feelings out--that I could take whatever was inside of her. At the end of 45 minutes she was a different child.

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

Oh yeah--if they can calm down and want to nurse then that's great--but if they are aggressive I, personally, would not put my boo in the line of fire

LOL. Good words to live by ...

Gretchen

Question about the bear hug....dd is 4yo in 2 weeks. She hates the bear hug. I don't do it. Am I wrong? Here's what it usually looks like,

Her screaming, hands on ears, not wanting me to talk. I quickly and loudly say, "Do you want me to stay or leave?" She usually ignores me, and I tell her to tell me when/if she wants me to come in, and I leave. She rages for 1 to 15 minutes, then is fine. (She's a thumb sucker with a blankier for comfort) If she says stay, she doesn't want me to touch her. Which is weird, she is my cuddler. I stay in the room, but she doesn't want me to touch her until she is calm. Is that okay?

hmm well this is really interesting because I always said the bear hug does not work for us. Course, we had the food issues and the sensory issues going on too :/ and I havent tried it again yet, it was much too scary
I didnt realize it would take like 10 minutes and stuff though. I usually gave up around 2 or 3 because I was getting hurt (Im not as strong and I hate getting hurt ) wow 45 minutes that story almost brought tears to my eyes... I wonder

[MarynMunchkins]

Well, not that it looks particular gentle , but I've been known to flip Doug onto his stomach on the floor and sit (not with all my weight, of course) on his back to hold him still. He's a big kid, and well, I'm not :P, and I don't enjoy getting hurt. I make sure I keep my tone kind and reassure him that I am helping him keep him body under control and giving him a chance to control his emotions. I move as soon as he calm down enough to hug him instead.

But I'm not about to get hurt by a 5 year old. That's ridculous...

[ArmsOfLove]

Her screaming, hands on ears, not wanting me to talk. I quickly and loudly say, "Do you want me to stay or leave?" She usually ignores me, and I tell her to tell me when/if she wants me to come in, and I leave. She rages for 1 to 15 minutes, then is fine. (She's a thumb sucker with a blankier for comfort) If she says stay, she doesn't want me to touch her. Which is weird, she is my cuddler. I stay in the room, but she doesn't want me to touch her until she is calm. Is that okay?

I would really recommend Lawrence Cohen's "Playful Parenting". I would suggest that touch and/or quality time and attention are her primary love language(s) and she is withholding affection to show how upset she is. DD would do this and I was "giving her space" but after reading PP I started pursuing her--asking her if she wanted me to go away. If she didn't say "no" I didn't go away and I kept "bugging her" to let me in emotionally. She wanted to know how far I would pursue her and I had to spend some substantial time earning her trust with that too.

Whether I'd to the Bear Hug with a child who doesn't like to be held or not would depend on if they are being aggressive. I would absolutely do the Bear hug if the child were losing it and attacking me or someone else or hurting themselves. If they are melting down but calm then I would stay near them and try other things depending on the chlid.

Wow, this thread was really insightful for me.

My dd (just turned 5) pushes me away too, and says "Get away from me." and yet I would definitely say her primary love language is touch and maybe time/quality attention, like Crystal suggested to LoveToRead Mommy. I have definitely left her alone with her feelings because her intensity of feelings would be matched by mine. However, the only way she will eventually calm down is if I come back and hold her.

I will have to read Playful Parenting, but I wanted to do the Easy To Love, Difficult to Discipline book study.

Crystal, if you read this post, should I read both at the same time or would you recommend one before the other?

Blessings,
Mary

Whether I'd to the Bear Hug with a child who doesn't like to be held or not would depend on if they are being aggressive. I would absolutely do the Bear hug if the child were losing it and attacking me or someone else or hurting themselves. If they are melting down but calm then I would stay near them and try other things depending on the chlid.

Our rule for my intense kid is I'll let go if you don't hurt yourself, don't hurt anyone or anything, don't damage property and stay in the living room either on the floor or on the couch (no hiding). I've gone a long time, too, but he's nine.