Sigh...I feel like the biggest failure of the year

[Radosny Matka]

We just returned home today from our Easter trip "home." Our family lives 6 hours away. I was horrified by my son's behavior this past week. At times I didn't recognize him. Now, I do understand that some of these reactions are just behaviors coming out from being overtired, hungry, eating too much junk, and feeling "put-out" by both my 2 month old son, and my 11mo. old niece. It's hard sharing grandparents... Anyway, a few "highlights."

1.) He pushed my 11 month old neice several times. Now, I should say that he was very gentle about it and never pushed her over. It was more of a testing the limits. However, TOTALLY not acceptable. Thankfully that only lasted one day, but my sis freaked when he did it. We had a little talk about that...

2.) He sat at my grandparents table SCREAMING, "I want my soup NOW" while stabbing his fork into the table. I put him in a chair in the room to calm down. I was soooo humiliated!

3.) Refusing to do anything I asked - anything at all was responded with a NO, and he meant it. We had a few battles, which I won't even go into. Man oh man, it was HARD not to put him in time-out, but I managed to somewhat keep my patience and work through it.

4.) Ds is totally into fishing right now. My dad got out his fishing box, and gave him a bunch of rubber worms and lures (he cut off the hooks). My son did say thank you when prompted, but he didn't look very appreciative at all. He wouldn't give my dad a hug, and that hurt my dad's feelings. I think ds has been given too much lately and expects too much. Dh and I have decided that he will get nothing until his b-day in June.

5.) He seems to be too comfortable with his role in the family, and dh and I are getting less and less respect every day. He thinks nothing of yelling at us, over anything, or demanding things. He is throwing toys when he gets mad and screaming at us.

6.) I was putting on ds's shoe, and he found a dead ladybug on sil's floor. He said he wanted to step on it. I basically told him no and that stepping on lady bugs will smoosh it into the floor. Well, the instant his shoe was on, he stomped on the ladybug. He just didn't at all listen to me or even think he HAD to. I had him pick it up off the floor with a tissue and throw it away.

There are many more examples, but I really don't want to rehash the whole trip. I just don't know where I went wrong. Dh and I need to crack down on ds. I just am not sure where to even start. I do think I need to make my words mean more, and tonight I did just that. He wouldn't pick up his toys, so they went in a big box and into the spare room for the next day. He can help me put them away tomorrow night. Another time he refused to get off the couch with the bubbles, so I took the bubbles away. Both times I asked/told him twice, and that was it, action was taken.

I think I am able to handle most of these problems, but my biggest concern is #5 - his lack of respect for dh and I. How do I get him to stop yelling at me? I tell him things like, "tell me you are angry with your words, not your loudness" or "you may be angry, you may not yell." or "I don't understand yelling." I say other things too, but I almost feel like I need to up it a little bit. He thinks it's okay to scream and yell about everything. He isn't just screaming, he is screaming his words.

Also, how should I react when I ask him to do something and he flat out tells me no? I tried the 5 steps, and it made things worse.

Sigh...tonight was a bit better. I do think a bunch of combinations made his behaviour more out of control than it actually is, but I cannot do this again. His behaviour at the last trip over Christmas wasn't as good as normal either, but this past trip really takes the cake.

On a more positive note - his compassion really did show. Everytime my niece was fussy or crying, he tried to help her feel better. That was sweet.

Thanks for listening and for any advice. I feel so

[ArmsOfLove]

am I correct in that he's 3.5 almost 4?

[Radosny Matka]

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

am I correct in that he's 3.5 almost 4?

Yes, he will be 4 in June.

[ArmsOfLove]

Oh goodness, he's just normal

I would really encourage you to get Ames and Ilg's "Your 3 Year Old". I remember how much peace I got when I read it when dd was VERY 3.5

The 5 Steps *seem* to make it worse because he knows you are going to help if he needs it Definately you need to make your words have meaning--back them with action. Sounds like you're doing that. He still needs you to speak in the positive, not the alternative. Remember that little kids can't "hear" the word "don't". You say, "Don't step on the ladybug" and his brain processes "Step on the ladybug"

And as for the respect . . . it can't be demanded, it has to be earned, but showing it has to be taught. I find lots of children actually do respect their parents but have not been given solid standards for showing it. Tell him, teach him, let him know what you expect in that department

[MarynMunchkins]

He's only a couple months younger than Ana, and he sounds completely normal. Not to mention that there is a new baby thrown into the mix, and that brings a lot of big feelings too.

Ana is a very touchy-feely kid, and she needs lots of hugs and quiet time with just mom or dad. The best thing I can possibly do for her when we're having a bad day is to cuddle up with her and read books or sing to her. She needs that time to reconnect and calm down.

The comfort corner gets used a lot. There are many times (actually, I think there were 4 today!) when I will say "That's direspectful. You need to go chill out until you can use kind words to talk to me." During calmer, less intense moments, we practice using kind words.

Food is another big trigger for Ana. This week has been awful so far because of how much sugar Ana's been eating. Keeping some protein in her helps quite a bit - peanut butter is great, hot dogs are her favorite , and sometimes she'll eat some turkey. I try to make sure she eats something every couple hours.

I have learned that trying to make kids say thank you or be demonstrative physically is usually diasterous. While Ana gives a hug to anyone and everyone , Doug doesn't. We quickly learned to back off and just thank the person for him. That being said, it probably is a good idea to back off of the stuff right now. It can be overwhelming.

And when Ana says "no", I usually say "It looks like you need help." or simply "Try again." Both work reasonably well, even if it does involve some screaming.

It gets better!

[jujubnme]

I'm sorry you had such a frustrating trip. This does sound like very 3.5 yo behavior. Just a couple of thoughts to add:

5.) He seems to be too comfortable with his role in the family, and dh and I are getting less and less respect every day. He thinks nothing of yelling at us, over anything, or demanding things. He is throwing toys when he gets mad and screaming at us.

It strikes me that the reality may be just the opposite: he may be very insecure about his role in the family, especially with the new baby, and is trying to test limits to figure out this new reality. Of course, you still have to deal with the behavior, but I would also work on finding ways to build connection during non-discipline moments. That can be really hard when your ds is being a real stinker, I know.... but it will help both of your attitudes. Really.

Also, repeat this to yourself as often as needed : "My son's 3.5 yo behavior is not a reflection on my parenting; it is a sign that he is working on things that will bring him to the next level of maturity." I love Camille's analogy that their brain is defragging (like you would do to a computer hard drive). Again, that doesn't mean that you don't deal with the behavior. But if you can put it into context, it will help you not feel so discouraged or embarrassed when it happens--because, most all moms of 3.5yo's deal with it to varying degrees. And I find I'm at my worst when I'm parenting out of embarrassment .

Originally Posted by jujubnme

I'm sorry you had such a frustrating trip. This does sound like very 3.5 yo behavior. Just a couple of thoughts to add:

It strikes me that the reality may be just the opposite: he may be very insecure about his role in the family, especially with the new baby, and is trying to test limits to figure out this new reality.

Yes, ITA. And ITA that it is so very normal. You sound like me a couple years ago!

((Sara)) my dd will be three in a few weeks and she has already strarted doing things like this. I was going to post last night aking for help. I dunno if it is her personality or because she is going to be three but she is pretty fiesty. I love that about her but at the same time ITU, how hard it can be. Hang in there.

[Radosny Matka]

Thanks, everyone. I am a little glad to know it's normal, but a little frustrated because I guess we just have to "wait out the stage", and keep plugging away as we have been. I was hoping for an easy fix (Ha, as if anything about parenting is easy).

[ArmsOfLove]

one purpose of parenting is to grow patience and other spiritual fruit in parents (we need an emoticon of a tree sprouting fruit!)

Now is the time for teaching--every time he does something inappropriate take advantage of that opportunity to TEACH! It is after he has been taught (and *knows* ) that he can be corrected

Think of it as passing the torch--you have all the knowledge now for how to get along socially and he needs it. First you show it to him over and over and over--model it *and* actively talk about it, show him and teach him. Then he starts to get it so you step back and offer gentle corrections and encouragements as he tries it on his own. Eventually he's able to do it on his own without any help

[jujubnme]

Crystal also reminded me a few months ago that 3 was the age when playful parenting ideas were especially helpful for her children, and that has been key for me too.... When I have the forethought and energy to frame things in a playful way, it does make life a little easier and more enjoyable too for both of us. I've also learned when ds is in a particularly ornery stage that really cutting back to the basic routines helps (i.e., not a good time to try lots of new activities, shopping errands, etc. if you can help it). Hang in there! You'll both make it through .