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Old 04-27-2012, 11:14 PM   #1
Petie
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Default Mixed reactions to discipline

OK, so I'm pretty plain with my children. They know what is expected of them and they know that while most things, the consequences are built in, some have separate consequences attached. Well, this one gets me mixed reactions so I'll ask all of you what you think.

For a preface, my kids do not mind this consequence and actually have fun with it most the time.

So, if we are in a store and the children have been told not to touch but touch anyway..

They have to put their hands on their head. Usually only until we get to an area without tempting things to touch, and often times with Simon and Lala, once we hit the checkout line (candy is too tempting) until we are checked out.

So, I have had people say things on the spectrum from, "why didn't I think of that" to "what's that supposed to teach them" and my favorite, "that must be embarrassing, why do that to them".

My thoughts, the discipline is definitely linked to the behavior. The children don't seem embarrassed and if anything tend to be laughing and having fun with it. They are improving with their touching behavior and now, for the most part, I can trust that if they are close to something, that they are gathering as much information visibly as possible, but that they won't touch.

OK, so now your turn. What's your opinion on this?
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Old 04-28-2012, 12:19 AM   #2
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

i try to give my kids tools to use as an adult, so since im not going to walk through the polish pottery store with my hands on my head, i wont teach my kids that. i do have my kids put their hands together though or in their pockets because that is more natural.

what are you teaching them by having them put their hands on their heads?
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Old 04-28-2012, 03:55 AM   #3
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

i have my littles put their hands in their pockets if they are having trouble controlling them

or if there are no pockets- you can fold your arms.

and if you cant quit verbally antagonizing your brother in the car..you put your hand over your mouth. i save that for the car though.

not sure about the hands on the head its kinda the same- but in the store, its so noticable..it could feel embarrasing. im sure your point is not to embarrass ..but to keep stuff from getting broken, right? try the pockets.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:24 AM   #4
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

Looking at your signature, it appears that your youngest is 6. Correct?

When I first read the thread, I thought that maybe you were talking about a 2 or 3 year old.

At your children's ages, no, I would definitely not make them walk with their hands on their heads. By 6 years old, most kids, unless there is some sort of special need going on, should be able to walk through a store normally without grabbing a glass jar off of the shelf or something like that.

I walk through Target and touch the towels, touch the clothes, etc. And I don't care if my 6yo does, too. I don't care if my 6yo touches the stuff at eye level at the checkout lane, either. I don't let her eat it or make a mess, but I pick up magazines and things at the checkout, too, so why can't she?

---------- Post added at 08:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:01 AM ----------

Just wanted to add that yes, I think that is embarrassing. I wouldn't tell a 6yo to do that, and most definitely not an 8 or 10 year old. And I'm assuming you're not having a 15 year old do that, too.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:34 AM   #5
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

I thought it was kinda cute, but I can see the point of posters here.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:41 AM   #6
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

If YOUR kids aren't embarrassed by it, I see nothing wrong with it. It sounds like it's more of a game than a punishment. I have my kids put their hands in their pockets, but sometimes that doesn't work and I need to pull out something different. Something we can giggle about and get our minds off the "problem". I would keep having them put their hands on their heads as long as it's not a problem for your kids. Your children are old enough to express to you if they are embarrassed or not. Generally, I don't have a problem with my kids touching, however, with 3 rambunctious boys and one little girl in the mix, having all 4 of them touching everything they want to, will end in disaster. Therefore, they do have to keep their hands to themselves for the most part.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:47 AM   #7
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

My opinion-that's not a consequence in the sense that most would consider. It's a distraction to help them succeed at not touching. It's kind of like a game. I think it's a good solution. If they're having fun and learning not to touch things, great!

If they were embarrassed, it wouldn't be ok IMO.

I generally have my dd play a game with me of some sort in the store. "find three objects that begin with letter m and say their name" etc
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:59 AM   #8
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

It sounds like a "Playful Parenting" sort of thing to do...and that's always a good thing (in my opinion, anyway).

Now, I don't have children your children's age, so consider that while you read this response.

As long as they are having fun, giggling, enjoying it...then I would say keep it up. Let them enjoy it.
If it ever gets to the point of becoming a punishment (example: "I said 'get your hands on your head and KEEP THEM THERE!'" ), then no, I wouldn't be cool with that.
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Old 04-28-2012, 06:00 AM   #9
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

If your kids think it is a fun silly game -- if it is not intended to humiliate, and does not humiliate them, and if it's not physically uncomfortable... well I just don't see why anyone else's opinion of how 'they' would feel doing that should matter.

But with the ages of your kids it might be time to begin transitioning, perhaps saying, "Hands on your heads -or- behind your back" (then they would still choose head for as long as it's fun for them, but can choose their own transition to a more dignified self-control tool.

Also, with the ages of your kids, when were you considering starting to allow them to touch things at the grocery store? (They seem well past the age where they are likely to tear packaging, crumple or bruise the things they touch.) Or letting them pass through the candy section and wait for you at the end of the check-out?
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Old 04-28-2012, 11:10 AM   #10
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

Quote:
Originally Posted by bolt. View Post
If your kids think it is a fun silly game -- if it is not intended to humiliate, and does not humiliate them, and if it's not physically uncomfortable... well I just don't see why anyone else's opinion of how 'they' would feel doing that should matter.

But with the ages of your kids it might be time to begin transitioning, perhaps saying, "Hands on your heads -or- behind your back" (then they would still choose head for as long as it's fun for them, but can choose their own transition to a more dignified self-control tool.

Also, with the ages of your kids, when were you considering starting to allow them to touch things at the grocery store? (They seem well past the age where they are likely to tear packaging, crumple or bruise the things they touch.) Or letting them pass through the candy section and wait for you at the end of the check-out?

Honestly, I don't mind if they touch certain things, like as someone else said, towels, things of this nature. But when we are in the store and I have four children (OK well the 15 yr. old not so much) all grabbing a bag of cereal asking for it, it gets overwhelming, that is usually when they have to put their hands up. At which point, I usually explain how much cereal we are getting and what kinds are acceptable. The 10 yr. old never has to do it anymore, he's not one to grab and touch things alot. Lala has ADHD and often doesn't even think before the hands move to something, and honestly still doesn't think that if it's breakable I shouldn't slam it around. We're working on it, but not sure when she'll get more reliable with things like that. The 6 yr. old usually only has trouble with the checkout lane, because that's usually when he starts grabbing at the candy and saying, "please???"


With that said, I'm not placing a number age for when this stops. It will be when they figure out what's appropriate and what's not. The problem isn't that I don't allow them to stand at the end of the checkout, it's that they don't want to. I also give them each things to get at the store. So, for instance, Simon is usually in charge of picking out the fruits. Lala usually gets bread. Justin and Gavin are given parts of a list and get those things. So it is very interactive. I don't mind them touching, as much as I mind them all touching at once, all handing me things to ask "please", and all getting upset when I say no. So sometimes it's just easier to ensure that they aren't touching the things that will tempt them to beg. Or of course, there's the curiosity factor. In some stores, if there is a section with kitchen gadgets, the two littles tend to grab out of curiosity, then I get 20,000 questions of "what's this?" "do we need this?" "is this what's your looking for?" It gets to be more than I can handle so it's easier for me if they just don't touch at those times.


Quote:
My opinion-that's not a consequence in the sense that most would consider. It's a distraction to help them succeed at not touching. It's kind of like a game. I think it's a good solution. If they're having fun and learning not to touch things, great!

If they were embarrassed, it wouldn't be ok IMO.

I generally have my dd play a game with me of some sort in the store. "find three objects that begin with letter m and say their name" etc
Definitely, which is why the older two don't do this. It's the littles that do, and they still see it as a funny game. If it ever becomes viewed by them as anything but that, then I would come up with something different.

---------- Post added at 11:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:01 AM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetCaroline View Post
i have my littles put their hands in their pockets if they are having trouble controlling them

or if there are no pockets- you can fold your arms.

and if you cant quit verbally antagonizing your brother in the car..you put your hand over your mouth. i save that for the car though.

not sure about the hands on the head its kinda the same- but in the store, its so noticable..it could feel embarrasing. im sure your point is not to embarrass ..but to keep stuff from getting broken, right? try the pockets.

You just made me sit here and try to figure out why I don't do the "fold your arms" or "put them in your pockets" and I figured it out.

OK, so I was raised by a man who spent 22 yrs. in the Army, then I joined, then I married a man in the Army. You can't walk around with your hands in your pockets. It's considered unacceptable. I was raised that way and I still see walking with your hands in your pocket as disrespectful (my baggage, I know). I also see crossing your arms as a defensive posture. When children are upset with what you tell them, they tend to cross their arms and glare. That's because, arms crossed in front of you is a nonverbal sign that you are defensive and no longer listening.

Plus, I would have trouble turning that into a fun game, probably because of the baggage I have attached to those postures.
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Old 04-28-2012, 11:20 AM   #11
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Default Re: Mixed reactions to discipline

If their having fun with it, great! I wouldn't even think of it as a consequence, so much as a tool that they can use to stop themselves.

I think as long as you are looking at it as something to *help* them, they aren't embarrassed, and you're flexible with changing it if it needs to be changed (ie, maybe let go of the baggage and be ok with them putting their hands in their pockets if it works better for them) it's fine.
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