The bad parent look/ guilt

[Findabhair]

I was raised with corporal punishment - spanked, swatted, slapped. I wanted better for my kids so I embraced, or have tried to embrace, gentle parenting. DD has NEVER been spanked.

That said, I've gotten looks, and at times comments, from complete strangers about my parenting if DD acts out.

Today I got "the look" from another mom at Wendy's. To me I feel like that look is them judging me and internally I feel like they're looking at me like that kid needed a spanking but look another crappy parent who's being a pushover because we talked it out.

I guess it's hard to let go of what I was taught. Does anyone else struggle with feeling judged by strangers and feeling guilty or second guessing?

[Dovenoir]

My son screamed for 20 minutes through Aldi until I stuffed his mouth with a granola bar.

:yes. I understand.

[arelyn]

I notice it ocassionally here and back overseas when we hang with certain friends. Of course, I've been known to give people the stare of appallment when they spank their kids in front of me so I guess that's sort of the same thing. I wonder if it bothers them or if they think I'm a weirdo.

[silverlining]

I have definitely felt that look, but when I do, I also have to check my own emotions because usually I am already feeling guilty for not being able to control my child. Honestly, I know there are parents who will give the "bad parent" look, but I'll bet most of those witnessing the scene are actually remembering when it was their child who did that and feeling a lot of sympathy for you.

[rjy9343]

I understand feeling judged my family is convinced that my little heathen could do with a spanking or two. Others think I need to realize I am not her friend.
I have learned I can't please everyone, so I will do things that work for my family. Random strangers that judge your way of parenting would be equally judgmental if you smacked your daughter.
I tend to agree that many are sympathetic. I see mothers dealing with problems and think that was us twenty minutes ago. Too bad you weren't here, then we could have split the stares. :shifty

[saturnfire16]

I imagine the look is shock at seeing parenting be done in a way they've never seen before and later they will go home, mull it over and learn from it. :shifty Not that my parenting is always that spectacular, but it helps me in the moment act as if I have the confidence that I'm showing someone a better way, instead of the fear that they are judging me. :shrug3 I also just don't look at other people and just focus on my kids. Then I have no idea what look they are giving me. :lol

[Saoirse]

That happened a lot in the last state I lived in. I was in a Baptist church where the majority of the members thought Tripp was the be-all-end-all parenting guru. I didn't spank and each time DS2 behaved not like a perfect little angel (which face it, with his issues, was most of the time), I got that look. Then I moved here and started hanging out with GCMs. It was night and day. I found that I was more relaxed in my parenting because I knew that i wasn't being judged for being that non-spanking mom who was sending her kids to hell for not spanking them.

I'm much more confident now and if I would ever get that look again, I probably woudn't even notice. My own family thinks I'm a terrible parent so :shrug3, I've learned to not care what other people think of me and my parenting. I'm far from a perfect parent but my kids aren't afraid of me and I don't parent with fear and guilt and manipulation. I count that as a win.

[nutmeg]

My parents are constantly commenting that this or that kid of mine needs a spanking.
I had to stop attending a church that was advocating spanking, it made me so cranky unit I realized what it was.

[sweetpeasmommy]

I don't look at the looks. :shifty I have an asd kid. Somewhere around 3-4 yo, I decided I was going to parent like we were hanging with Jesus. Ugly looks aside. He still has a hard time in public at 9.5 sometimes. That wasn't what I planned, but i have given tools, reminders every time for many years. And left carts when it was too much. My revaluation came with a dirty look long ago and realizing when I am throwing a fit He loves me the same. I chose that over reacting to what others may think. He loves me at my worst, I love c at his worst. And will never stop helping him to learn better. :no


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[ArmsOfLove]

I have been on the receiving end of that look . . . and I admit my worst parenting moments are when I feel uncomfortable and on the spot judged.

My goal in those moments become tuning out the world, honoring my child, AND, most of all, the hope that my children will not be aware of that look. That if they become aware of it they will perceive it as a rude person intruding in their lives without any respecting of boundaries - and ignore it as they should :heart

[princesspoet]

You don't need to see the look, I feel it boring holes in my back but yes I try my hardest to pretend my son & I are the only ones in the room.

[Codi]

It can be hard to feel like that. :yes :hugheart

It takes time to learn how to not care what other parents, even strangers you'll never see again, think about you. Usually I just don't pay attention to other people enough to notice if they are looking at me or not. :roll But I definitely have my "less than stellar" parenting moments that I am SURE get looks. :giggle :doh

For me, the more confident I grew in my belief and parenting goals, the easier it became. :yes

[Little Forest]

That was brilliant how AOL said it!

I don't think I get the look often. Mostly I think I get sympathic looks. If I am wrong about that I don't want to know!
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[titosmommy]

I think sometimes we mistake the look for judgement when its really sympathy? Camaraderie? Just this morning my 2 year old was playing outside and was yelling. He was yelling because he could hear the echo. The people who work next door came walking around our yard making sure everything was ok. I felt so judged. Reality was I was watching him and they obviously don't understand that kids yell all the time. But now I'm so nervous they're "watching". Feeling judged is NO fun.

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[OnAMission]

At times I have found it helpful to talk out loud and give some of the backstory. For example I just flew by myself with the nine month old. We had a ten minute run from one plane to the next and it was after bed time. By the time the plane was about to take off, ds2 had a total meltdown. As I was trying to help him get comfortable I was also saying things like "I know you are really tired. As soon as the plane starts moving you will be more comfortable and go to sleep. It's hard being a tired baby. Etc". The looks around me definitely went from a little irritated to sympathetic. It helped that he did fall asleep as soon as the plane took off :shifty. I have found that if I seem calm and confident than the adults around tend to relax.

[rjy9343]

I love the idea of talking it out for the benefit of others. My mother has often told me that if it looks like I am making an effort to contain Ivy, then people are more understanding. I think she is right, if it looks like you are working with your child instead of letting them run amuck, then people are more inclined to offer sympathy instead of glaring at you.

[Saoirse]

I just remembered this, in the last state I lived in, I actually had two older women approach me and tell me to spank him. I said, "Back off! I'm handling this." They were appalled that I spoke to them like that. Then a man approached me and I was already Mama Bear but he looked at me and said, "Don't pay any attention to them, they don't know what it is like. You're doing fine." Then he stood there, a few feet away, like a guard. In hindsight, it took a lot of guts to approach me after hearing me yell at those women.

[saturnfire16]

I think sometimes we mistake the look for judgement when its really sympathy? Camaraderie? Just this morning my 2 year old was playing outside and was yelling. He was yelling because he could hear the echo. The people who work next door came walking around our yard making sure everything was ok. I felt so judged. Reality was I was watching him and they obviously don't understand that kids yell all the time. But now I'm so nervous they're "watching". Feeling judged is NO fun.

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I have wondered this too, because sometimes I am the one giving the look and I really mean "Oh, poor baby is having a rough day. Looks like mom is too and I hope it gets better," but the look the mom gives back seems to say "Stop looking at me and judging me!" and I think "Oh, no! Did she think I was judging? I'm an INTJ... not great at empathy.... maybe the look I gave came across wrong! :doh"

---------- Post added at 10:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:50 PM ----------

I just remembered this, in the last state I lived in, I actually had two older women approach me and tell me to spank him. I said, "Back off! I'm handling this." They were appalled that I spoke to them like that. Then a man approached me and I was already Mama Bear but he looked at me and said, "Don't pay any attention to them, they don't know what it is like. You're doing fine." Then he stood there, a few feet away, like a guard. In hindsight, it took a lot of guts to approach me after hearing me yell at those women.


:rockon

I had a woman (not quite friend, but more than acquaintance) make a point to leave the room she was in, walk into the hallway, and tell my daughter stop screaming, stop talking to your mother like that or something similar (I don't remember the exact words), as if she were trying to show me how it should be done. I said very firmly, "*I* am her mother. *I* will handle it." I'm not sure what response she had expected to get, but that left her :jawdrop.

[MercyInDisguise]

I struggle with the looks I get from people as well, but I struggle more on how to act when people are having a hard time with their children in public. I don't want them to think I'm judging them, but it's hard to stay completely emotionless and uninvolved, especially if you're really feeling for the mom. And I know I perceive myself as being judged sometimes when I'm not. I don't want them to think the same.

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[CelticJourney]

....It takes time to learn how to not care what other parents, even strangers you'll never see again, think about you. ....To this end, I will share a story from high school. I was close with my friend D from third grade. We would drift into and out of each other's lives some, but could pick up where we left off quickly. One day I mentioned being friends with her to another girl. She was surprised and said she didn't think D was friendly AT ALL. I asked her why and she said 'whenever I see her in the halls, she is always glaring and never says 'hi' ". I about fell off my chair laughing and told her 'That's not unfriendly, that's vain. She's blind as a bat and refuses to wear her glasses outside of class. She's squinting to see where she is going and can't say 'hi' because she doesn't recognize you.'

So next time you get 'the look' just pretend and feel sorry for the person because their eyesight is so poor but they are trying to see your beautiful child. :shifty

[ValiantJoy07]

maybe it's slightly self-centered/mentally off ,:giggle but I pretend everyone is watching me and is impressed with my patience and sense of humor. :shifty eta: and then I try really hard to pull forth my sense of humor. ;)

[JoEllen]

I used to get "the look" all the time, and it made me self-conscious. I probably still get "the look" at times, but I've learned not to pay attention to it. My focus is my children, not the opinions of other people. :)

[sunflowermom]

:yes
I feel like I get "the look" a lot. I try to be a mommy ally and help in small ways when I see moms with littles in grocery stores. Often times I'll stand behind families with small children in lines in grocery stores so we can wave or play peek a boo or something like that to help with entertainment...or at least to help alleviate or redistribute the stares.

[BarefootBetsy]

This is where I find it helpful to be as oblivious as I tend to be because I don't usually notice "looks" - either negative or positive - so I just assume that people believe I'm doing a good job at being patient :)

[Beth1231]

The look I get is "Her hands are full. Is she up to the task?" which looks slightly inquisitive and judgy.
Some days it bothers me more than others.

[MercyInDisguise]

This is where I find it helpful to be as oblivious as I tend to be because I don't usually notice "looks" - either negative or positive - so I just assume that people believe I'm doing a good job at being patient :)

:rockon That's a wonderful natural way to assign positive intent, even if it's through no effort of your own. :giggle

[milkmommy]

This past Friday my girls has a homeschooling get together at a local water sprinkler park. there is a low wall that slopes down along one side. A lot of the kids and even some of the adults (me included) were slipping on the concrete right below where the wall started and right in front of where the padding to the park part started.
SO when I saw my 4 year old starting to climb along that wall. I stopped her told her I didn't want her climbing on the wall that it was dangerous and why. I physically helped her down redirrected her play back onto the water etc...
After a while she again tried I verbally reminded her but she told me she was going to climb anyways and she'd be safe.. this time I went took her hand and brought her over to where I was seated * grassy floor with a towel * I told her it was not okay to disobey me and she needed to sit with me for a moment so I could make sure she understood the rule to say safe. I was dirrect firm and too the point but wasn't harsh mean or dishing out random punishments.
She of course revolted and starts her no mommy squirming and saying she wants to go play.. She is almost in her over silly stage.. I stayed firm and held her till she was ready to stop and listen. We reviewed the rules ect and she was released. We didn't have issues again..
However Yea I saw those moms look at me like I was allowing her to run wild. That if I'd just smacked her a few times that would have magically solved it all. Heck I think it wouldn't have matter to them if it hadn't. I was just soo wrong because I didn't.

[CelticJourney]

This is where I find it helpful to be as oblivious as I tend to be because I don't usually notice "looks" - either negative or positive - so I just assume that people believe I'm doing a good job at being patient :)Today would be a good example of the positive. We installed a new minister of families. He and his wife have a little boy who looks about 4yo and two year old twins. The twins wandered and she or her husband just quietly got up and retrieved them and redirected when needed. I was watching from the back thinking 'oh, she'd fit in well at GCM!' :)

[Reva]

I just look/stare right back. :P~ Trust me, they eventually start feeling uncomfortable and will look away. ;)

But I'm mouthy/confrontational like that. :shifty

[melissa5317]

maybe it's slightly self-centered/mentally off ,:giggle but I pretend everyone is watching me and is impressed with my patience and sense of humor. :shifty eta: and then I try really hard to pull forth my sense of humor. ;)

This, except I'm not pretending. I really do tend to think everyone is impressed with my parenting abilities in public. I know that sounds totally narcissistic, but it's the truth. :lol I think it helps that I don't live in the US, though; people here (I find, anyway) are generally far more inclined to give a mum some encouragement, empathy or even try to distract the screaming child for a second. I very rarely feel judged for my kids having public tantrums; the only times I feel that way are when *I* am not doing my best

I also do the 'talking about it for the benefit of the people around' thing. "I know, you really wanted those cookies! Aww, you're so disappointed. It's hard to not get things we want." It's a conversation we'd be having anyway at home; it just tends to be a couple notches louder at the grocery store for some reason. ;)