"He's Nobody's Favorite"

[ForHim]

This past weekend we were spending some time with an old buddy of my hubby and his family. Their daughter is 6 and their son is 21 months old. The mom is a SAHM and the daughter has just started school.

They could not stop complaining about their son. They gave him a hiding while we were there, and put him in the corner. To me he is just a very spirited, rowdy little boy. He's so so cute, and beams when you give him just the tiniest bit of attention.

I think he is under-stimulated. The reason I say this is because I gave him a plastic jar with some dried mac in it and he LOVED shaking it. His dad said that he noticed that when he gave him a box of sweets he just stood there and was shaking it, he just stood and shook and shook. He said the sweat was dripping off of him and he wouldn't stop. I then suggested that they give him more sensory toys to play with, he loved my DD's toys, and to take him outside for walks. They replied that they cannot go for walks in their neighborhood, fair enough because it is dangerous there.

They complained that their daughter wasn't like this, that he costs so much money because he never stops eating (he has two of those Toddler Purity Jars for lunch and a Purity juice), and that he doesn't listen. They said they cannot raise a child who doesn't want to be disciplined, that he breaks everything, and they were going to raise a Godly child no matter what. Their daughter understood the boundaries but he is just a "disaster" and a destructive child. It is the first time in my life that I actually see that parents have a dislike for their own child. Yes he is SUPER busy, but I can see that he is so under- stimulated. I joked that maybe he is a mommy's boy and they looked at each other and she said "No, he's nobody's favorite".

My heart absolutely breaks for this little boy. Their solution is that they now want to send him to a daycare so that "he can learn to be with other children". I, being my sometimes too vocal self, said that they just don't know how to handle him and they want to make him somebody else's problem. They didn't even blink, did not even take offence at all, and said that if the daycare works out well they can send him 2-3 times a week for 3-4 hours, and next year full time.

Where does this idea of Godly children fit into certain molds come from? And what can I do?

[saturnfire16]

That is so sad! :( How often do you see them? Maybe you can just keep being a positive influence in his life. And maybe if the parents see you doing things like making the thing for him to shake that keeps him entertained, maybe they will pick up some skills from you.

Unfortunately, a lot of punitive authors chalk up any kind of intense personality to "sin nature" and try to squash it down. They want obedient, quiet, meek little robots. Not individuals with their own thoughts and ability to express them. :(

[Kiara.I]

Pray. Pray for that little boy. Pray for his parents. Just pray.

[Cherish]

Man, some people. I would love to have that rowdy little darling. I'd be blunt and tell them they are not appreciating the gift God gave them and they are going to regret it one day, and in the mean time, try not crush the life out of the poor little guy. Heck, I'll do "day care" for free for them! (And night care, too. They can just drop him off and never look back! sheesh.) Sorry, "heart break" comes out of me like "mad as a wet hen."

[ForHim]

This is the first time I see them since his birth. We not close at all. My hubby just runs with her hubby. Funny, I was thinking of offering to look after him. Lol I am crazy that way

[Chaos Coordinator]

i probablyw ould have too. anything to improve the chhild's life. but honestly with some kids preschool IS a good choice, because parents are overwhelmed and child is not getting his needs met. it sounds like not only is kid bored and disconnected from his parents but also possibbly sensory seeking. and if they think he eats a lot they should meet my kids, oh my wowsers.

just the same, i dont have to always like my children naturally, but i do have to make the choice to like them anyway in good faith that God is working on them. If we can't put our faith in God then what business do we have trying to "raise Godly children" or whatever, ya know? Jesus saves souls. Parents dont.

[blessedwithboys]

Just feeding him regular food instead of baby food could work toward meeting some of his sensory needs. I hope maybe it was just a terrible day for them. The daycare doesn't sound like a bad idea actually. Accepting that they aren't doing a good job meeting his needs for stimulation, finding someone that will, and giving themselves respite, actually sounds like a good idea.

[Chaos Coordinator]

i was hoping OP was referring to something other than baby puree with the food :( there's no reason for an almost-2 yr old to be spoon fed a puree. my second baby never got those (unless it was the kind in the pouch he could self-feed) and my first baby i did give purees but stopped by like 9 mos.

[amydawn]

I'd encourage them to put him in daycare. At least there he'll be fed properly, treated fairly, and probably loved on too. Your idea of offering to take him isn't a bad one if you'd like to either. Poor baby:(

[ForHim]

I just found this old post by KatieKind.
"You Cannot Bind Their Hearts to Christ"
This is a wonderful blog piece that will encourage many a parent who reads it. It helps push back on the fears that get placed in the minds of Christian parents.

Quote:
You cannot bind the hearts of your children to Christ. Thinking you can becomes not merely a heavy burden on your shoulders, but an impossible burden. (Not to mention the grievous burden and weight it likely places upon your children.)
Read it all at http://danandkeren.wordpress.com/201...rts-to-christ/

I found this quote from it quite helpful
It is certainly my prayer that God will bind the hearts of my children to Christ; and I will labor and toil to nurture and instruct them in God’s Word. But it is the Spirit of God who transforms them. It’s not earned by my parenting, their behavior, or even my prayers. Just as every other aspect of our life must be Gospel-centered, so must our parenting.
It just resonates so much with me this morning.

Anyway, I have been talking to DH and I have it on my heart:heart just to connect with some other mommies who have sons the same age as my daughter. There are three of them, and they are all SAHMs. (This is including the mommy of the little boy this post is about). Maybe I should arrange a play date for the 4 kiddies. In my tiny little town, there isn't a support group. Think we need one.

Um yeah, I felt very awkward when I said that DD hasn't been eating baby food in a long time. Her favorite food is MEAT, lol chewy meat. But they just think we too poor or something to not feed our dd food which says "Toddler". Um yeah we are, but I also feed my family organic which isn't exactly cheap either!

Thanks for letting me see though that maybe a playschool is what he needs. It could very well be better for him.

[Elora]

Honestly the parents sound EXTREMELY overwhelmed and unprepared. Parenting is hard. They don't have the tools they need to deal with a spirited child.

Are they close to you? (geographically I mean) ... can you be an influence here?

The sensory play suggestion alone is helpful! If they were close do you think that you could help them?

Parents with spirited kids NEED help. It's really hard, especially when your first was NOT spirited.

Daycare isn't a bad option in this case :shrug3

[rjy9343]

I am going to echo that daycare is probably the best thing for this boy right now. I have a very spirited little girl that needs more of everything. More time, more energy, more attention, more stimulation and more conversations. She is very much a loved and adored little girl, but I am one woman and have needs of my own that include a few minutes without meeting her needs. Preschool saved my sanity because there was never a break.
Feeding a child that active purees makes no sense. He needs real food and I have to wonder if him not listening and being destructive because he is hungry.
Daycare would for sure give him something to do and I would think either provide him with real food or insist that his parents send it with him.
The best thing you can do is pray. Even though she is my first and normal to me, there are still times I am overwhelmed by her. If I had a different belief system for children, then Ivy would not be the treasured little girl she is. She would still be loved, but I doubt she would believe it and our home would be a combat zone. Praying for God to soften their hearts towards their son and to see that boy the way God sees him would be in my prayers often.

[ThreeKids]

If he's all about sensory seeking, then the purees are a bad idea, but if he is the mix of sensory seeking and sensory avoiding that is sensory dysfunction, then the purees might be how they keep him from choking. Ds was eating purees until 3. The child I babysit isn't a year old yet and she's all about sensory seeking and wants every texture she can get.

I do remember 21 months as the hardest with ds in terms of how exhausted and in a daze from the constant intensity I was. There were later phases that were more frustrating in terms of him seeming too old to be doing stuff he was doing, but 21 months was the crescendo of a four month run of peace deprivation. He just needed intense attention all the time and couldn't be satiated with any amount of it and "stealing" a few moments to myself meant he would get into huge mischief. I didn't consider the reprieve of pre-school because I was afraid someone would hurt him out of frustration, but if they are already doing that, then pre-school would be a needed reprieve. I wasn't "meeting his needs" in terms of intensity by any stretch either, but I also wasn't going to let anything happen to him that couldn't be undone.

I do think there was a level of cortisol my brain at that time that I'm still recovering from. It was that hard and the words that came out of their mouths don't bother me in terms of them needing to express their frustration. It's their actions toward him that concern me.

My heart does hurt for this boy. I do believe the Lord saved me from ruining ds by handling his behaviors the way I was taught you are "supposed" to handle them. I hope he's not one who is as wracked with anxiety as ds is or they will end up damaging him very quickly if they're treating him that way.

[Marsha]

First, I think daycare is fabulous. And I think it takes a certain courage to admit you can't do it, and someone else needs to. I know when I was having PPD with my second and I had an intense, difficult first child, I often called a friend to invite my dd for a playdate so she would at least get treated kindly that day.

There is still such a stigma with those intense, needy kids that suck your life out and then run around screaming to boot....such a stigma to flat out say " I do not like this person at all right now." I know I said that once about my oldest to a friend. She said she never told me, but she was shocked and horrified and smug that sh'ed never think that. And now she does.

I really don't know your friends' circumstances. But having an intense,SPD child can really make you crazy. A breather while he gains some maturity while having a regular schedule, and at least different eyes to spot if someone else is going on is not a bad idea at all. There are many days I"m glad my children are in school...for same reason.

ETA I said day care is fabulous. I meant, it's a fabulous idea in this circumstance.

[ForHim]

You all have given me so much food for thought. I had no idea about this sensory seeking vs sensory avoidance debacle. It has also opened my eyes to see that I am being judgmental and I truly do not know this kid or his circumstances. What made me angry was the obvious favoritism of the daughter and I was comparing that to how their son was being treated. Which is wrong, but I don't know the story behind the story you know?

My DH was at their house yesterday. He says they now have a "nature" table which they didn't have before, and the little guy was going around with his own macaroni jar shaking it. DH said his friend's wife said I must come over.

I will now. But I think I am not going to talk parenting at all. Something I have learnt in marriage is I can tackle big issues more directly when we have a solid friendship, because there is no attacking then, only hearts opening up an sharing. So I want to try a friendship, and if things do go that way, then she would be more open to a different way of believing how kids can be raised to be arrows in the hands of a warrior.

[3boysforme]

You all have given me so much food for thought. I had no idea about this sensory seeking vs sensory avoidance debacle. It has also opened my eyes to see that I am being judgmental and I truly do not know this kid or his circumstances. What made me angry was the obvious favoritism of the daughter and I was comparing that to how their son was being treated. Which is wrong, but I don't know the story behind the story you know?

My DH was at their house yesterday. He says they now have a "nature" table which they didn't have before, and the little guy was going around with his own macaroni jar shaking it. DH said his friend's wife said I must come over.

I will now. But I think I am not going to talk parenting at all. Something I have learnt in marriage is I can tackle big issues more directly when we have a solid friendship, because there is no attacking then, only hearts opening up an sharing. So I want to try a friendship, and if things do go that way, then she would be more open to a different way of believing how kids can be raised to be arrows in the hands of a warrior.

It sounds like you have planted a seed. She may benefit from your friendship and she may be able to learn a lot from you. :yes

[Reva]

Wow. :bheart :cry Lots of prayers.

[Sparrow]

This breaks my heart!

Maybe daycare could actually be good for him. Maybe someone there who knows about developmental stages can help him.

I had a little boy in my care just like that. There were very taxing days, but I just loved on him so much. He'd cry and reach for me when he left :bheart

I don't see you as being judgemental. I think hearing words like "he's nobody's favourite" and other negative labels hurt my heart.

The food thing - well packaged toddler food is expensive. IS that what the purity stuff is? It costs a lot! I bet its cheaper to roast a sweet potato and dice it up and its more filling that those pouches. Some of the kids I have looked after have brought those pouches. They're meant to be fillers for between meals. Sometimes. There is a great cookbook by Anabel Karmel about cooking for babies up to 7 y/o's (and beyond). I wonder if you told them that you know someone who used these recipe ideas to fill up their toddler? That's a me!!

My Max WAS like that. He's very physical, very sensory. So much different than my older son who obeyed very boundary. Max would (and still does sometimes) KICK every boundary. The difference was night and day and DH really struggled with liking Max.

I wonder if giving them a book about spirited children would help?

[ForHim]

I just need to update this. GCM has been really good to me.

I have been teaching the boy's mom how to cook Malaysian style, and spicing and herbs and that kinda thing.

Yesterday they were at my house (the boy and his mom). My kitchen is open plan with the living room. Her son and my daughter were playing in the living room. I spilled a whole canister of beans and it made a huge noise. My daughter (19 months) runs in and puts her hand to her mouth.

Aghast she cries, "Mess!" Then she proceeds to give my leg a huge hug, tilts her face up for a kiss, and starts singing "ee up ee up" (Clean up, Clean up").

I was so immensely proud of her. She had refkected back at me what I had learned at GCM. "Joy made a mess?" I give her a hug and a kiss, because it usually upsets her. "A mess can be cleaned." And we clean up and sing the clean up song.

The other mama was looking at me like "What on earth is going on here?" and I explained to her. She shook her head and said "Joh you have time!"

I told her " But isn't it worth it? Look at what she did now"

Slowly and slowly. Just glad I got the chance to demonstrate GCM, or rather my DD did.

[lucie]

That is wonderful! Thank you for sharing!


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[rjy9343]

I just want to point out something. If you have time to punish your child, you have time to teach them gently. In fact another mother made a very good point shortly after I joined. (Sorry, I can't remember who). I have to get up to spank and then make my words mean something or I can just get up and make my words mean something.

[staceylayne]

Great story. :heart

[ForHim]

I just want to point out something. If you have time to punish your child, you have time to teach them gently. In fact another mother made a very good point shortly after I joined. (Sorry, I can't remember who). I have to get up to spank and then make my words mean something or I can just get up and make my words mean something.

I'm going to make that into a quote or a meme. Love that!

On here I also learned that you never really have the full picture of why someone is acting the way they do. It paints a fuller picture, and you don't see the person's actions in a vacuum.

Well, she and the dad (hubby's friend) are not married.:jawdropThey refer to each other as husband and wife but they are not legally married, not even by customary law which is recognized here. Her parents are not pleased at all because he hasn't even paid for damages (again customary law dictates that in their culture, you get a girl pregnant , especially a virgin girl, you pay damages).

The other surprising thing to me was that she has not finished high school. I made an assumption years back that she had been to college, because my husband mentioned to me that she was going to college. I asked my hubby about this (because some things weren't making sense to me in the last few weeks) and he told me that she was going to a college to complete her GED-equivalent but never completed it.

That gave me a fuller understanding about her. And why she feels so strongly about raising her children "right". But raising right does not have to look like "spanking", and I think she may have a glimpse of this in our household. But I think she is clinging on to at least doing the traditional thing for once.

[rjy9343]

It sounds like she really needs someone to accept her. If I am understanding everything you wrote, there must have been some serious disappointment for her parents and a good deal of pain for her. That would make anyone want to make sure their children do it right to spare them from pain.