closest friends have opposite parenting philosophies

[heartnbrainmommy]

Sometimes I just feel the wind knocked out of my sails, and start to doubt myself when some of my closest friends are all about spanking and focus on obedience. I think the hard thing is that these friends were the friends I was close to when I went through a period of healing and maturing in my young adulthood (pre-kids). I love these people and trust them. I know they do not abuse their children. I know they want their children to be whole and healthy - physically, mentally, and emotionally. It feels very awkward, and I have a hard time not feeling embarresed about how we parent. EVEN THOUGH I know 200% that I could not do this parenting thing any other way. I just don't know anyone else who has walked this parenting journey in the way we are attempting to do (gentle discipline/grace based parenting, etc...). It feels scary. Fortunately I don't live very close to these friends, or else there would likely be more tension around the issue, but in me it's still there. THey probably just don't really know how differently we parent. :) And then when I'm thinking about all this, my kid starts to whine or throw a fit and I start to question everything. :/

[gardenfreshmama]

I'm sorry. :( it is hard. There are a few of us gcm's in the area if you want to get together for irl support. :hug

[heartnbrainmommy]

Hah! Forgot my city and state were on here and this is a public forum!! Oh well. :/ I would love to get together sometime! New people are challenging for my first born with sensory issues/social anxiety issues. Maybe a park somewhere this summer? Or a mama's night out?

[Aerynne]

I don't have a lot of pro-spanking friends, but I find that most of the people around me are not so AP with their babies- like they do cio and things like that. It's hard to buck the trend, and sometimes after a hard few nights and in my sleep-deprived state I start to wonder if they are right afterall until I look at my tiny, trusting baby (2 weeks old or 2 years old) and know I could never walk out on him/her when he or she wanted me.

It's hard to be different. :hugheart

[SewingGreenMama]

I'm discovering a few no-violence mama's. But most are punitive and shaming from what I've seen.
But my friends are very obedience based. As is my husband. I have to constantly talk to him about why I'm not in forcing something's. why I'm not harder. He isn't able to fulfill the expectation yet. And with punitive ways he won't learn until he is mature enough to, but it will look like success.
It is hard to be with those who don't see parenting the same. But I love these women and hope that through example I can covert them to gentleness and grace.


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[MegMarch]

:hugheart
I feel you. My BFF follows Babywise and Tripp. We don't talk much about that aspect of our parenting. Mostly just sharing cute stories here and there. It is frustrating because I wish so much that we could be bonding over this part of our lives but it feels like there's this fence between us.

She lives across the country so it's not in your face. What's really been helpful for me is making like-minded friends in my own town. The families I spend most of my time with are ones who believe in parenting after dark, not spanking (though I think some may steer towards time outs and similar in time) and so on. I've met a few who are Christians but most around here are not.

My resources for local friends are GCM:heart, FB groups for AP, cloth diapering, etc, and BFing groups.

[ruhama]

Nearly every bad parental decision comes from a desire for what's best for the child. They simply don't have the information they need or a softened heart to accept it. It's very hard to feel so fundamentally split on such an important issue. I'm sure they do lots of relationship-building things & hope that'll be enough to counteract the relationship-breaking things (and I hope the same for me as well since I'm neither perfect nor all-knowing).

---------- Post added at 10:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:05 AM ----------

I have to constantly talk to him about why I'm not in forcing something's. why I'm not harder. He isn't able to fulfill the expectation yet. And with punitive ways he won't learn until he is mature enough to, but it will look like success.

This was one of the hardest paradigm shifts for me.

[WildFlower]

It is hard :hug2 as you know I have close family members that parent differently than myself and it has put a strain on things and made me question myself so many times.

I just want to say, that meeting you IRL has been a wonderful breath of fresh air and you've been such a great encouragement to me. :heart You know who I am (name change on here )

Anyway I am finding that I have to try to focus on the other things I do have in common with people who parent differently. And I think sometimes some relationships and people are in our lives for a season for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to accept that the relationship may have changed when our needs as people change and we grow . I hope you find the encouragement you need. I know you have been a blessing to me, by just showing me that it can be done, gentle parenting and just living it out beautifully with your little ones. I know no one is perfect, but you are doing a great job and doing what is best for you little ones.:heart

[MommyKlein]

I have a hard time staying friends with people who do things like that. My hubby says I should look past it because they are still nice people and just because they are not just like us doesn't mean that we shouldn't be friends. I guess I don't see it that way. I don't like being questioned by parents like that about why I do the things I do with my children. I don't ask them why they do the things they do. And not to mention I don't like to be around them when they are disciplining their children like that.

[heartnbrainmommy]

Thank you all for your words! I am encouraged! There are some situations where we have to draw boundaries for our own sake or that of our children, but there are other relationships where you just have to extend grace and pray for them, knowing their are doing their best. I like what Ruhama said about hoping the good things they are doing as parents cover over the mistakes, because aren't we all in that boat! MegMarch, I'm glad to know someone else has BFFs who have different parenting styles - it's hard though! WildFlower, I'm glad to have met you too! :) It does help to not feel quite so alone! :) I think you and I both want to meet families with kids older than ours so we have a some more models. :) But thank you so much for your kind words of affirmation! They warmed my heart and encouraged me! :)

[Titus2Momof4]

You're right that there are some areas where we have to draw boundaries for our children's sake. For that reason, I don't have friends who are not AP. I really only have one BFF, and she's AP. I have acquaintances in our homeschool group, but the only ones I talk to outside of a group function *are* AP--and those aren't even my close friends. I guess I just don't get too friendly with people who aren't AP since our parenting styles are so different?

Another thing for me, though, is that my children are 12, 12, 10, and 8 (as you can see in my sig, lol). We spanked (on and off) for a sum total of about 2.5 years of our parenting lives. At this time, it's been around 5 years or so since we last spanked. :heart Therefore, our children have scant memories of a spanking (like a "dream" or something, according to them). They know that DH and I are VERY anti-spanking and we make no apologies for being that way. :shrug So, the rare times they've either heard (or witnessed :sick)someone hitting their kid, they've been EXTREMELY troubled by it. To the point that literally no less than 5 seconds after we left, in one case, the first thing out of their mouths was "Did you hear ___ hit his/her son?!? :hunh Why would a parent do that to his/her child?" They are truly floored over this. :jawdrop

What's worse is that the last time we ended up hearing someone hit his kid (when visiting my bestie right after she had her baby... and her Pearl-parenting BIL and sister were there w/their kids), they not only asked me about 5 seconds after we left the room but they also asked me about it again about 20 minutes after waking up the next day. :( They needed to talk about it and process it, ask more questions, etc.

The most recent time was about a month ago with my SIL was here. Her 3 y/o threw sand on me, was told not to do that, and did it again. So, his mom took him behind our tree and hit him (:sick). I didn't know that's what she'd done--until I asked why he was crying (at the same time wondering why no adults seemed to care :( ).

*And yet, our parenting style is "lazy" according to MIL (who essentially behaves as though that 3 y/o is her child :rolleyes). Right...because it takes so much work to wallop your kid, rather than...oh, I don't know...remove him from the situation?? But I digress...*

My sweet, empathetic kids also asked and were told "nothing, don't worry about it" (I pretended not to hear that part since they just sorta moved on... :mad).

So yeah, for my children's sake--and my sanity--I'm just...naturally not friends with people who aren't AP parents. It was never something I "purposed" or anything...it's just, birds of a feather. :shrug

[MummyMenace]

One of the reasons I have joined this forum (amongst many) is to read stuff and learn to articulate better why I want to bring DD up in a certain way. At the moment I know what I want to do in my heart but when I try to explain it I don't do very well and get in a muddle!
One of my best friends at church is also on the same journey (her DD is 2) so we're planning on reading and working on this together. Unfortunately two other (currently childless) couples are planning on smacking because they think it's biblical. We want to be able to stop it from happening when they have children in the future.
Most of my non-Christian friends are anti-smacking (in fact all of the ones I've spoken to), but they are pro-CIO and time outs, as per SuperNanny who's very popular here. I'm hoping that I'll be able to share some of my learning with them too...
Better get on with doing some reading then!! :read

[mom22boys]

It was hard for me having friends who didn't parent AP. We remained friends, but I needed people like minded for encouragement and support. I still struggle with it now, but it has gotten easier. That's one of the reasong I joined this board!

[magpiedpiper]

:hi2

I'm in Indy and my oldest has sensory issues/HF ASD.
It does feel a little lonely sometimes knowing that others don't have the same parenting values. We had a bit of a falling out with some friends because they were hurt that I wouldn't allow my kids, esp DD1, in their home without me in part because they spanked their 1 yr olds, and I did not want DD to see that at all, let alone without me present to explain it isn't ok.

But for the most part people know how we parent, and we just keep living how we live and letting that speak for itself.

[ShepherdsWife]

I have also found it difficult with relatives and friends I parent so differently from. I explain to them if they ask or offer advice(and they always do), but it gets tiring and stressful. :nails It seems as if ever single problem or natural issue I have such as I'm tired, or the baby is fussy becomes a reason for them to confirm I parent wrongly. However, as I have continued to stay focused and firm is saying I totally believe in what I do, they seem to have gained more and more respect. Long term, I believe they will see by the fruit rather than my arguments that there is something to this "AP parenting thing". :D
Most of all, I think just having good boundaries for yourself and being able to say things like, "we've already discussed this so let's not do so again.", "thank you for your advice, I'll think about it" help a ton. Letting them see that you respect your own beliefs and yourself makes a big difference. :D

[Hermana Linda]

:yes An attitude of confidence goes a long way. ;)