Where did the idea that developmental delays/MI..

[TenderLovingWillow]

Is a result of bad parenting come from?

Does that trace back to a teacher? Is it simply ignorance of the nature of special needs?

We have a family at our church with an autistic son. His dad was told last week by a bunch of random people that Autism is an "excuse for bad parenting" and ADHD is always used like this in Christian circles.. I read someone tell another lady with a son with Global Developmental Delays that "she would get its lack of discipline" in a post talking about a wooden spoon. :sick

As sick as all this is, I can't figure out why it's so prevelent. It makes no sense-a kid with autism is so different to even interact with. In a multi child family, wouldn't logic state that all the kids would be autistic if its a parenting issue?

I'm honestly really:mad about how these parents who have dedicated so much heart and resources into doing the best for their kids, like my church friends, are having judgment heaped into them on top of already hard situations.. :mad

[Starfox]

I've heard that too and I'm always like :scratch Seriously?!?

[Petie]

I've been told that numerous times. I was told to spank Simon to teach him to be more social and that allowing his "shy quiet" act was me being manipulated by him.

[Dovenoir]

I came out of this camp :bag.

I believe it is due to LOW LOW LOW societal contact with anyone with special needs from the Victorian age through the 1970s. Anyone who was remotely unusual was institutionalized quickly.

"Good" (disciplined) people didn't cause outbursts. :eyeroll And those who weren't necessarily able to control theirs- needed to have it switched out of them :sick.

.... of course supposing that the switching was what made them develop control in the first place. :no

If they knew the children as people, they'd know the struggles and what their limitations are and that certain behaviors aren't "bad parenting, or spoiled kids" But manifestations of their illness or etc.

I really didn't come to a place where I got it, until just a few years ago.

[cbmk4]

It's ignorance--dangerous and hurtful ignorance.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

Bad parenting = rampant sin nature = s/n behaviors in some Christian circles. An autism diagnosis is considered a way to rationalize one's secular parenting. :rolleyes

I heard the same kind of baloney about mental illness in adults. They are "possessed" and such. :rolleyes It's a way to try to make sense of a complex issue, and at the same time pat yourself on the back since your kids are not "like that" so you clearly raised them right.

IMHO :shifty

[Sonata]

I agree that it's total lack of understanding of what developmental issues are and what the children are like. And lack of logic, because you're right about the different children in the family, etc.

I do want to point out that you said that ADHD is "always" treated like that in Christian circles, and that is not true. :no There are Christian communities that are incredibly supportive of all types of differences, and very critical of punitive parenting.

They are out there! :hug

[MegMarch]

I think a big part of it is the idea that God being a God of order, logic, self-control indicates that anything else is caused by sin and that parents are supposed to substitute for God in their children's lives. Fitting in someone else's box (that being a sign of orderliness and decorum) is pretty much the same thing as being Godly, right?

[Mother of Sons]

Right now more children than ever are being diagnosed with autism and I think it makes people suspicious. It's easy to look at a set of behaviors and decide that if the parenting was different the problem would go away.

[mountainash]

Right now more children than ever are being diagnosed with autism and I think it makes people suspicious. It's easy to look at a set of behaviors and decide that if the parenting was different the problem would go away.

:yes People would rather blame mothers/parents than acknowledge that there is an epidemic of autism, adhd, and allergies in our country that very few are attempting to explain.

[cindergretta]

I experience this quite a bit. When ds9 (ASD, SPD, ADHD) was a toddler, my mother was so annoyed with me because I wouldn't "punish" him to make him behave. She was so sure she was right that SHE spanked him in a Sears one night. :jawdrop :hunh :mad I didn't see it but my sister did and she grabbed him up, found me, said she was leaving with him and why. I confronted my mother IN SEARS and made it clear she better NEVER lay a hand on any of my dc again. It was UGLY.

To this day, I am pretty sure she still thinks I just need to spank him. :sick

I encounter the same with dd7 who has significant social anxiety. :( I need to force her to say "hello" and make eye contact and answer questions from random strangers. :sigh I don't think so. :-/ (You see, she is just being rude. :rolleyes )

On the flip side, my bff is a manager in an upscale store at the mall. For a long time, tantruming kids drove her crazy and she didn't understand why people didn't "discipline" them better. Then she met me and her other friend K who has a dd with autism. Her attitude has totally changed. Now when she hears a child having a meltdown in the mall, she feels empathy for the parent and wonders what is "going on" with that child. :heart

People who care and want to, learn and grow. ;)

[ruhama]

Ignorance and the type of attitude that doesn't allow for listening or understanding the troubles or situations of others. Judgey people will judge for whatever reason they want; several of them just happen to hit upon special needs and psychological disorders.

Also comes from a mistrust of psychology and the view that everything anyone ever needed for anything was written down in the Bible (in King James English no less).

The head research librarian at my Christian college said to me, when I told him I was writing my research paper on ADHD, "Isn't that just called bad parenting?" :jawdrop :hunh :doh :scratch

I referred him to my professor and found the darn books myself.

---------- Post added at 02:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:27 PM ----------

:yes People would rather blame mothers/parents than acknowledge that there is an epidemic of autism, adhd, and allergies in our country that very few are attempting to explain.

I think they LIKE blaming other people because it makes them feel better about themselves and their parenting.

[SweetCaroline]

John MacArthur? :shifty ..or so says the discipline book he wrote :crazy2

[Elora]

There are some people who actually BELIEVE that if they don't spank, their kids will act "like that"

They don't understand the autism SPECTRUM. They are comparing anyone with autism to "Rainman." The children don't seem "that bad" and they think that you are making up an excuse.

They really think that if they don't spank their kids, their kids will have the same problems

It's ignorance.

It's not always coming from superiority. It is very closed minded.

In many instances parenting DOES affect behavior. It's not like the entire theory is ridiculous. It's that they really have no idea what they're talking about. It would be best if they didn't talk at all, but that is not going to happen. Ever.

If you're upset, help inform them. Befriend them. Invite them to dinner. Have a play date. Meet up for coffee. Influence and educate from a place of relationship.

[Waterlogged]

Bruno Bettelheim (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim) coined the term "refrigerator mother (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refrigerator_mother_theory)" as an explanation for autism in the 1940s-50s.

[SweetCaroline]

Bruno Bettelheim (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim) coined the term "refrigerator mother (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refrigerator_mother_theory)" as an explanation for autism in the 1940s-50s.

oh yeah! i forgot all about that

[nanabug]

Yes- I remember reading about this notion of "refrigerator moms". They were further described as cold, detached, educated women. I'm sure this made lots of moms feel really guilty.

Having worked with children on the Autism Spectrum- I have come across mom's of all personality types and parenting styles. In the south, where I was working, there was one phenomena I noticed. When we had our IEP meetings, it was more common that the parents did not speak up or ask questions. When I worked in the northeast, parents often came, having done lots of research and ready to push for what they felt would benefit their child.

I don't know if the parents I worked with in the south, were a true sampling. This was in the Appalachian region of western North Carolina; they seemed a lot more trusting (or maybe intimidated) by professionals.

Anyway, working with families during the late 90's until 2010; I believe that there is now much more professional understanding of the medical, and neurological factors underlying some of the symptoms, we saw in our young children. I learned so much working along with OT's and Speech Pathologists who were doing wonderful things treating some of the sensory and communication issues some of these children demonstrated, as they played or tried to communicate.

:heart Nonetheless, my heart goes out to moms raising children, with any special need. I was always so inspired when I had the privilege of meeting such families in my work.

[ruhama]

Probably has something to do with the average level of education than anything. Someone with a higher level of education would probably feel more comfortable speaking like a peer to a professional and doing research & picking apart studies & such.

[Annalou]

it's so sad to think of those poor families, how people blame bad parenting for autism or ADHD etc!

although my aunt has adopted 2 kids from the Ukraine who were later determined to have different kinds of special needs and I have seen what bad parenting can do to kids on top of their special needs :cry
I feel so bad for my cousins they have developed more issues because of their very unattached family who ignores them and just wants them to behave and leave the parents alone. it would be such a lonely, frustrating life for a child

[graciousmomma]

I have come face to face with the whole, "Children who have ADHD have parents who aren't raising them the way God wants them to" attitude :mad In fact, someone said exactly that to my dd who has ADHD. You bet your booties I called them out on that bull :mutter

[ArmsOfLove]

John MacArthur? :shifty ..or so says the discipline book he wrote :crazy2

that makes sense because I first encountered it with Ezzo's materials and those in his camp. The split between them didn't have to do with a disagreement about parenting--it was a personal/authority issue.

[MercyInDisguise]

Ugh, I've never encountered this about autism! :sick I HAVE heard this about ADD, ADHD, and dyslexia ("it's just a lazy child who doesn't want to learn to read properly or is being defiant"). :doh

[sherry]

A generation ago the conventional view was that schizophrenia was caused by demanding and/or emotionally cold mothers. Blaming parents for ADHD, learning disabilities, etc. is not really any different. It is just, for some reason, still socially acceptable.:(

[LadybugSam]

i get that a lot. Especially in the toddler stage. I think as they get older people are more likely to SEE it as a disability.

Mostly because people are more willing to see adults as people who struggle, and children as beings to struggle with. :(

[ThreeKids]

... ("it's just a lazy child who doesn't want to learn to read properly or is being defiant"). :doh

Education goes a long way. My childhood tiny church school was revolutionized by the episode of the Cosby Show where they found out Theo had dyslexia.

[rjy9343]

I think they also see it as a parenting issue because they see parents working with the child in ways that seem strange. For example if you have a child on the spectrum that only eats five foods and refuses to eat meat or greens, they see parents working around that instead of putting down their foot and saying you are the child. You will eat this chicken and spinach or you will not eat. They don't understand that a spectrum child will starve themselves.
Or they do not understand that a child shuts down and has what looks like a tantrum. So when a child is freaking out because someone is wearing a shirt that looks like hers or is not wear he should be and the parent is helping them work through it instead of controlling the child through harsh means they call it manipulation.
And this only sounds harsh because I do not know a way that sounds kind, some disabilities do look like laziness. My nephew is ADHD and when he is on, he is awesome. So when he is not, it is confusing how he goes from a brilliant student to a spacey squirrel.

[ThreeKids]

I've seen adults with ADHD figuratively beat themselves up, thinking their issue was lack of personal discipline. Lots of shaming, even punishing themselves in some ways, trying to force themselves not have the symptoms. And then suddenly believing in ADHD and at least stop judging themselves so harshly.

[Rabbit]

Bruno Bettelheim (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruno_Bettelheim) coined the term "refrigerator mother (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refrigerator_mother_theory)" as an explanation for autism in the 1940s-50s.

Yup. The field of psychology isn't even yet a whole life time old. In the field of education, the idea that children are not blank slates to be filled up by their teachers is also young. These were the educated, researched ideas from universities and other intellectual authorities, for the grandparents of people my age. Environment was everything.