I need tools to discipline me..

[TenderLovingWillow]

So, I think I have identified a pretty serious issue with myself, and I think I have figured out why I behave in this manner.. But I need tools to deal with it, and stop the behavior. :shifty

Case in point.. Today, I have been sick. I had an episode of insomnia last night, and didnt really fall asleep till a little aftere 3, and Justice woke up at 7. :yawn

When he woke up, there was a bit of anger in me, because I didn't get the sleep I wanted-but I stuffed it, reminded myself that he had gotten well over 10 hours, and so I dragged myself out of bed, fed him, put a movie back and laid back down.

At around 8:30 I was disturbed from my zombie state with a poopy diaper, and it got on my blankets, so I had to get the kid clean, and start a load of laundry, and again, felt super frustrated, stuffed it and moved on.

So little tiny things like this happened throughout the day, and I felt the tension and pressure mounting every time I willed myself not to get angry.

So then, ds1 pooped in his underwear, and I was steamed, but I knew that freaking out at him would be wrong and counter productive, so I bit my tongue, tried hard to soften my words as I cleaned him up, and then turned around as soon as I was done, and saw DS2 covered in chocolate, and I lost it. I freaked out and screamed at him for a stupid chocolate bar. :(

I got myself under control, cleaned him up, cuddled him, and apologized for loosing it with him..

But this happens all the time. It's like my little frustrations with tiny, insignificant things builds and then I just freak at someone, and after I loose it, I feel guilty for the abuse reigned down on the unsuspecting kid, but the tension is gone, and the rest of the day goes smoothly. :sigh

So, how can I release the tension from all this little stuff so I don't end up blowing up at people?

I have tried breathing deeply-but this seems to suspend the tension-not get rid of it.

Any thoughts?

[bolt.]

You might want to think in other terms:

A) Not just, "Don't get angry." (Which means, "I am angry, but I will neither admit it nor act on it.") Instead, aim for true statements like, "This feeling is called irritation. Everybody gets irritated when stuff like this happens. It's fine to be irritated, but I'm still the boss of my parenting choices."

B) Stop thinking in terms of "control" and rather in terms of accomodating all the parts of yourself as legitimate (even if not terribly helpful) ways of being human and being yourself. Sometimes there are parts of yourself that aren't allowed OT "drive" but that doesn't make them evil or wrong. It's strategic self-management, which includes not letting some parts of you get so shoved into the background that 'it' has a temper tantrum and manages to "grab the wheel"... Does that make sense?

[3boysforme]

Thank you for making this thread. I struggle with this too.

[sweetpeasmommy]

saying it out loud releases a lot of the tension. "I am very frustrated that you are covered in chocolate. i am going to take some deep breaths." I bite the tongue about poop though because little boys and poop are a tricky issue.

[allisonintx]

This is the thread for you! (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=341475):hug

---------- Post added at 08:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 PM ----------

If anyone ever needed to be able to Re-Parent themselves and replace all the old 'tapes' in their head, it's you :yes

[TenderLovingWillow]

This is the thread for you! (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=341475):hug

---------- Post added at 08:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 PM ----------

If anyone ever needed to be able to Re-Parent themselves and replace all the old 'tapes' in their head, it's you :yes

Wow, that is the thread for me! Reading it now.

[Beauty4Ashes]

Would you feel badly about saying "poop is stinky. I feel frustrated when I wake up to overflowing poop and laundry"? I hate poop and vomit with a passion. But, it really isn't personal. Too much poop though and all that goes with it *do* bug me because I am a human being with a nose.

[GraemesMomma]

This is the thread for you! (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=341475):hug

---------- Post added at 08:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 PM ----------

If anyone ever needed to be able to Re-Parent themselves and replace all the old 'tapes' in their head, it's you :yes

:ty I actually thought about starting a thread like this. Just didn't know how to phrase it :)

TLW, I understand. So much :hug2

[allisonintx]

One thing that's certain, when a ministry that has been around as long as GCM, and has as many members as GCM, there's almost no such thing as a New Problem No One Ever Saw Before. ;) If you're struggling with something, someone else has likely been there, and has all the t-shirts with all the spit up and gooey cheerios stuck to it, and they'll be more than thrilled to help you with a few shortcuts so that you're not learning how to make the solution to your problem by hook or by crook :hug

[charla]

:hugheart I have a similar issue. I have found that when I reflect my own feelings (in my head or out loud) then I am able to respond more like I want. I forget quite often,:doh but I'm trying to make this a practice.

[allisonintx]

Out loud! I can't stress enough how healthy it is for our children to HEAR us do it, so that they learn how to manage their own big feelings by imitation :yes

[WingsOfTheMorning]

That thread really helped me last time. Might be time for a re-read. :)

[hey mommy]

I struggle with this too. A lot! It's scary.

[Beauty4Ashes]

Out loud! I can't stress enough how healthy it is for our children to HEAR us do it, so that they learn how to manage their own big feelings by imitation :yes

So, so true.

[milkdud]

I have felt the same as what you described, and wa relieved to rrad your post. :hug Saying it outloud and acknowledging the feelings makes a huge difference for me.

[Domina]

When my toddler is snappy and/or melting down, I usually run through the PHALTS acronym:

Potty
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Sick

I try to spot his need and meet it (hopefully I'm proactive and do this BEFORE the meltdown, but you know.) Meeting the need almost always fixes the behavior.

Here's the kicker - it works for me, too. In your story, you were sick and exhausted, so of course your emotional resources were low. :hug Remember to parent yourself by meeting your own physical and emotional needs as much as possible, and giving yourself grace when you meltdown, just as you would give to a hungry baby. :heart

[ruhama]

So I read this thread and was like, I don't have anything to contribute. Then I went over to facebook and found this which discussed anger as neither good nor bad but simply a useful symptom and normal emotion. This post is a clarification of another post but the previous one is a bit weird and ranty. I agree that emotions are not bad or good but simply symptoms of how your circumstances and perspectives are affecting you.

http://sometimesmagical.wordpress.com/2013/01/19/killing-the-messenger-a-closer-look-at-anger/

use the analogy of urination...a natural bodily function that we all have. If you can’t pee, there’s something wrong with your body. If you try to suppress your body’s need for too long, sooner or later you’re going to pee uncontrollably all over yourself. If you suppress your body’s need consistently over time, you’ll cause permanent damage.

Similarly, when anger is considered something we need to suppress or drive away from ourselves, the only time it ever finds its way out is when we get to the point that we can’t suppress it any longer. Then, yes, we’re going to get unhealthy and unwanted expressions.

I've definitely found that letting anger out in little controlled spurts helps me.

"I am really, really tired right now and really don't want to pick up this mess/change your clothes/make anything in the kitchen. I'm so tired I just want to lay here and cry."
^ The benefit of saying this out loud is that you'll soon hear it back from the little ones. It's a way of focusing on yourself that ends up teaching your babies healthy ways of expressing their big emotions.