Why do I struggle with her big feelings?

[Tandem mama]

I grew up as a huge F with a huge T father. He got so frustrated by the size, volume, and frequency of my feelings.

Some days, I find myself reacting similarly to my daughter. "stop crying or we aren't going to the park. Stop yelling. You're being ridiculous"

These are awful things that made me feel terrible as a child. I want to stop this. It's been getting better, but I need some scripts or tools for helping me to be okay with her big feelings. :help

Another thing I'm struggling with is this new fear of being alone. To the extent she won't go to the bathroom alone. I just don't have the ability to sit in the bathroom for half an hour with her while the baby runs about getting into things. I just can't do it. At first I was very patient and stood near the door where I could see both of them. She still got mad and cried that I wasn't in the bathroom. I think it's terribly ridiculous for a four year old to need me to sit next to her holding her hand for half an hour after she has already finished peeing. If she didn't sit for half an hour every time it wouldn't be an issue. But oh it makes me :crazy and I don't know why or how to deal with my feelings on it.


I want to be supportive and empathetic with her but sometimes her level of neediness is just too much for me. Why has she suddenly regressed to not being able to be out of sight of me without crying? Why is she preferring to pee her pants over going to the next room?

[MercyInDisguise]

:think For the potty situation, I know she's a little old, but since she's so small, could you bring a potty chair out into the living room where you and Cuppycake are?

[Tandem mama]

:think I don't know if she'd go for that. I suppose I could wear cuppycake and just hope that I can nurture her through this quickly. I really want to not feel so bothered by it.

[GraemesMomma]

I have big feelings about my 4 yr olds big feelings, so I'm not much help besides a :hugheart

[simplegirl]

Another :hugheart here understanding not handling big feelings well, even though I've got them.

I think validating feelings is the biggest/best thing you can do. Do you suspect her to be an NF also? I find myself getting extremely less frustrated when I name the feelings. I don't know your DD so it's really hard to gauge whether you can nurture her through this. If it were my DS2 (he's 4.5), I know him well enough to know he is fine without me and probably being more whiney and I would set a boundary with him, still affirming his feelings though. But then I know of other children who really need their parent right there with them. What is your intuition telling you about that? If you know she *needs* you, will that make it easier for you to deal with?

[Tandem mama]

She's really been a mystery lately. She will go from super happy and sweet to wishing death upon me in the blink of an eye. I can't sense it coming, there are no warning signs. I know She needs me with her because she's telling me so and crying if I'm not within arms distance.

Just now, we were at the park and she got her feelings hurt when another child didn't hear her. I validated her feelings and let her know the little girl hadn't been trying to be mean but didn't hear. I then offered suggestions of what she could say to her "that made me sad when you didn't wait for me. Will you wait next time, please?"

She threw herself facedown on the climber and refused to move so other kids could play. I said to please come sit on the bench until she was ready or get up and play. I was supervising cuppycake on a part of the climber she was struggling with. I couldn't gomb because I was gomb with cuppycake. I was fully intending to go help her when cuppycake touched the ground.

Sunshine stood up as if she were going to play. She then blocked the child who'd hurt her feelings. I told her to move and she did. The little girl said she hurt her feelings. I asked her to make amends. She began to run away from the play structure and toward the gate to the road. I told her to come to me. She continued to run away. I picked cuppycake up and ran after her. I said "I'm very serious. Stop or we leave." she didn't stop. Do you know how hard it is to chase a four year old when carrying a struggling 20 month old? Hard.

So I told her I couldn't take her to the park for a week. I can't trust her to not run away from me. I need to keep her safe and running from me isn't safe. It's that or a leash. I can't take two kids alone to a park if one is going to run. We will try again in a week. I won't be ready until at least them. She's informed me a leash would be embarrassing so I won't do that.

:help what do I do I this circumstance? I feel this needs a consequence and all I can think of that's logical is we left and won't go back for a little while...

[simplegirl]

I think you did great for that circumstance. Leaving the park and not going back for awhile seems fine to me :shrug3. Honestly, I can't stand when moms say "we'll have to leave if you do xyz again" and then they don't follow through :shifty. The child learns nothing from it except that mommy's word isn't the truth.

[Tandem mama]

I carried them both kicking and screaming to the car and apologized to the little girl on the way out. Sometimes i am not sure if I'm relying on my previous punitive mindset or simply enforcing rules when I give a consequence like not going back for a while. 90% of that is safety and 10% is fear and feeling out of control.