do you allow "can't" in your home?

[staceylayne]

My brother's fiancée is living with us for a few months until they get married and we talk a lot about parenting and discipline and stuff as our home is so very different from the home she grew up in (in very good ways!). She mentioned the other day that she and her sisters were not allowed to use the word "can't". Her parents would respond with "it's not that you can't, you won't", which to me sounds very negative and in no way assuming positive intent.

But...it got me thinking. I really don't like the defeatist attitude of "I can't" and I'm wondering if it is a good idea to consistently rescript for my kiddos when they get to saying that. B, my perfectionist first-born, is especially bad about getting trapped in the "I can't" cycle.

How do you handle "but I CAN'T!!" at your home?

[houseforjoy]

we "allow" it :shrug3 but i do usually say something along the lines of "i bet you can with help!" or "let's try and see if you can!" or if it is more of a whiney "i can't" then i usually go all dramatic on them " you caaaaaaaaaaan't??? oh noooooooooooooooo, how are you/we going to do it then??"

[mokamoto]

My brother's fiancée is living with us for a few months until they get married and we talk a lot about parenting and discipline and stuff as our home is so very different from the home she grew up in (in very good ways!). She mentioned the other day that she and her sisters were not allowed to use the word "can't". Her parents would respond with "it's not that you can't, you won't", which to me sounds very negative and in no way assuming positive intent.

But...it got me thinking. I really don't like the defeatist attitude of "I can't" and I'm wondering if it is a good idea to consistently rescript for my kiddos when they get to saying that. B, my perfectionist first-born, is especially bad about getting trapped in the "I can't" cycle.

How do you handle "but I CAN'T!!" at your home?

I rescript them to "How can I..." and then help my DC brainstorm different methods and resources they have at their disposal, which include other people but also tools, etc. :heart

[MomtoJGJ]

We allow "I can't" but not whining.... Like, Evie is waiting until she's tall enough to be able to turn on some of the lights in the house. Almost daily I said "can you turn on the light for me?" she'll try and say "I can't" It's just stating a fact.

Now Grace however, if I said, "Can you pick up xyz?" "I caaaaaaannnnn't" "I"m sorry, I meant to say, pick up xyz"

[saturnfire16]

I think it's good to help them think of ways they CAN. I help them do that even when they aren't saying it themselves.... "Throwing that toy could hurt it, let's find something you CAN throw. Here's a ball."

And I think it's that lifestyle of always looking for the possible solution in a situation that will naturally expand their ability to find ways to do the things they want to do.

I think saying "You can't say 'can't,'" is not only contradictory :doh it's just not helpful. Sometimes they really CAN'T do something because they are not developmentally ready or don't have the skills and tools. It doesn't help to just tell them they can. Help them figure out HOW and WHY.

[Macky]

I think saying "You can't say 'can't,'" is not only contradictory :doh it's just not helpful. Sometimes they really CAN'T do something because they are not developmentally ready or don't have the skills and tools. It doesn't help to just tell them they can. Help them figure out HOW and WHY.

Exactly.

It's also a helpful and very accurate contraction to use when kids are asking for something and you're busy in the bathroom.

[Heather Micaela]

Can't is totaly allowed here. They can say they cannot close the door. I ask why. They say the hinge is stuck or they are pinned under a sleeping sibling, or they are injured or whatnot. There are a zillion reasons why one cannot do something. But maybe we can solve them. However nitpicking over a word wont help.

Amd TBH I have a child who gets defeated and frustrated easily. We often help script her into different ways of expressing that or we might just have her say "I can't do this by myself" "I can't do this yet" BUt arguing over a word was not valuing her feelings.

[Garland]

With my little ones, I ask them how I can help them.

With my older ones, they usually just say that in response to a chore or a homeschool lesson. I ask them to repeat what I've taught them as a homeschool motto:
"I am. I can. I ought. I will."

That is based on Charlotte Mason's philosophy, explained more here:

http://www.amblesideonline.org/CM/CMMotto.html

[Aerynne]

I've never thought not to allow it. However we do not allow the word bored or boring.

I will usually just echo with "having trouble" So kid says "I can't tie my shoes" and I might say "Oh, you're having trouble tying your shoes. Let's see what we can do to help you."

[Heather Micaela]

I've never thought not to allow it. However we do not allow the word bored or boring.


My 5yo has latched onto this word but like they would say in princess bride.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


Siblings being mean are called boring. Bad tasting food is boring. Difficult work is boring. A scary movie is boring. Loud noises are boring. Uncomfortable clothes are boring.

I really ought to disallow it too. :giggle

[Katigre]

My brother's fiancée is living with us for a few months until they get married and we talk a lot about parenting and discipline and stuff as our home is so very different from the home she grew up in (in very good ways!). She mentioned the other day that she and her sisters were not allowed to use the word "can't". Her parents would respond with "it's not that you can't, you won't", which to me sounds very negative and in no way assuming positive intent.

But...it got me thinking. I really don't like the defeatist attitude of "I can't" and I'm wondering if it is a good idea to consistently rescript for my kiddos when they get to saying that. B, my perfectionist first-born, is especially bad about getting trapped in the "I can't" cycle.

How do you handle "but I CAN'T!!" at your home?

Depends on the situation - sometimes 'i can't' is a genuine truth that I accept :yes. Sometimes it indicates that my child is unwilling to do something so they need to be helped to do it (i.e., they 'can't' do X b/c they'd rather still continue doing Y instead), and sometimes it is used when the child is afraid they aren't capable even when the thing is within their abilities - in that instance I stay with them and say "You can, I will help you, here's the next step" and work with them to push through the fear/perfectionism/avoidance of risk.

[justbreathe]

We have 4 "school rules" and "no saying 'I can't'" is #4. :D My oldest is reeeeeaaallly bad about giving up anytime something is difficult so we made it a rule to say "I'm having a hard time" or "I need help with this" instead of "I can't". It has been very helpful with his attitude (and subsequently DD's as well). It works for us. :yes

[MomtoJGJ]

I think it all boils down to attitude. :think

If it's just a fact, then we figure out how to fix it. In my earlier example of Evie turning on a light it's generally followed up with "ok, maybe next time! Now, get a stool and turn on the light :) "

If it was a child's general attitude, then I'd be more likely to not "allow" it. I could totally see Grace getting in an attitude rut with school and do the whiny "I caaannn't do my maaaattthhhh" In which case my response would be something like "You can. It might take some work, but you can do it. Let's get the blocks out!" Or the other day, she wasn't feeling too well, but she'd put off doing some work for a class she takes until the day before. So she had to do at least some of it. She said "But I can't do it! It's so much WORK!" .... I responded with "I understand that you do not feel well. I understand it is a LOT of writing. I KNOW you CAN do it and that you just don't want to. I let you get by with not wanting to for a week, now you have to do it. I'll read it and you write it down."

I do not like a general attitude of "I can't", however I do not mind someone telling me they are truly incapable of doing something, whether it's just in the moment or developmentally challenging.

[Lady Grey]

I think that responding to "I can't" with scripting of expected behavior/words is fine. It sounds like what she described was more of an "obedience" issue for her parents?

[staceylayne]

I rescript them to "How can I..." and then help my DC brainstorm different methods and resources they have at their disposal, which include other people but also tools, etc. :heart

"How can I..." I like this!



And I think it's that lifestyle of always looking for the possible solution in a situation that will naturally expand their ability to find ways to do the things they want to do.


This is definitely what I want for my children. :yes

I'm not really addressing the "I can't reach" or "I can't ride a two wheel bike because I'm only two" sort of "I can't" but the defeated, discouraged "it's hard and I don't want to fail" kind of "can't"


"I am. I can. I ought. I will."

That is based on Charlotte Mason's philosophy, explained more here:

http://www.amblesideonline.org/CM/CMMotto.html

Very interesting! Thanks for sharing that!

I've never thought not to allow it. However we do not allow the word bored or boring.

I will usually just echo with "having trouble" So kid says "I can't tie my shoes" and I might say "Oh, you're having trouble tying your shoes. Let's see what we can do to help you."

This would probably be really effective with B. Usually when he's frustrated trying to get him to repeat a rescript is fairly fruitless.. But just offering help with by echoing his feeling with "you're having trouble..." is useful.

We have 4 "school rules" and "no saying 'I can't'" is #4. :D My oldest is reeeeeaaallly bad about giving up anytime something is difficult so we made it a rule to say "I'm having a hard time" or "I need help with this" instead of "I can't". It has been very helpful with his attitude (and subsequently DD's as well). It works for us. :yes

Other good rescripts. I'm making a list! :tu

I think that responding to "I can't" with scripting of expected behavior/words is fine. It sounds like what she described was more of an "obedience" issue for her parents?

Absolutely. :yes In no way do I desire to replicate their parenting. From the bits and pieces I've gathered her parents were (are) pros at invalidating...she grew up being told she was wrong about her feelings, was a liar, just lazy. :shiver :sick She's just now learning how to recognize and accept her own feelings. :(

But it just got me thinking about how I can encourage my kids to not get stuck on "I can't" without invalidating their frustration or struggle. I knew you ladies were the ones to ask. :)

[delightedmama]

From the bits and pieces I've gathered her parents were (are) pros at invalidating...she grew up being told she was wrong about her feelings, was a liar, just lazy. :shiver :sick She's just now learning how to recognize and accept her own feelings. :(

But it just got me thinking about how I can encourage my kids to not get stuck on "I can't" without invalidating their frustration or struggle. I knew you ladies were the ones to ask. :)

I do find disallowing "I can't" to be very invalidating. Actually several years ago I experienced a program for Christian adults (think intense ongoing ropes course) where participants were not allowed to say "I can't" and it took me years to process that experience. It wasn't verbally followed up with "it's not that you can't, you won't" (we were supposed to say instead was "Jesus help me" which sounds very nice and spiritual but made me feel like crap when I still felt unable to achieve the goals) but that's exactly what I felt like I was being told: You could, if you weren't lazy, or if you tried harder, or if you were better, or if you weren't so insufficient, or if you cared to put forth the effort, etc. I still have trouble not seeing myself in those ways :blush

When I said "I can't____," I needed someone to reply with, "you feel like you can't ____" or "_____ is really hard". I was crying out that I needed to take a break from the challenges and talk about it; I wasn't ready to replace my phrasing with something an external person scripted for me.

If I'm in the midst of something really hard in life now, whether it's some cross-cultural issues, relationship problems, parenting through a tough time, or a tricky craft project I'm trying to complete, I would be badly hurt if DH responded "don't say that you can't do it, say that you ___<insert positive alternative>___"

I think saying "You can't say 'can't,'" is not only contradictory :doh it's just not helpful. Sometimes they really CAN'T do something because they are not developmentally ready or don't have the skills and tools. It doesn't help to just tell them they can. Help them figure out HOW and WHY.

Exactly... I find this really helpful. These are the kind of responses I will probably use with DD, depending on the situation:
"____ is really hard, isn't it?"
"Could you do it if something changed?"
"What about it feels too hard?"

[J3K]

I'd only disallow it in my children if *I* too would take on that burden.

Mommmm , I wanna play outside....come with me.

"I can't honey , i have dishes to do." (said in a frustrated tone)

Mommmmm....read me this bookkkkkkk (for the 100th time that day)

"I can't , I'm nursing AND have to finish dinner." (said whining because it's been one of those days)


MOmmmmmmmmMOmmmmmmmMommmmmMOmmmmmm I need help wiping my butt...MOMmmmOMMMMOMMMMOMMMOMMMMOMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM

"I can't , I'm online right now , I showed you last time , do it yourself" (said disgustedly)

Because "Can't" is a part of daily living. Not allowing a child to say it , but *hear* it daily...that's just setting up disaster.

[HadassahSukkot]

we "allow" it :shrug3 but i do usually say something along the lines of "i bet you can with help!" or "let's try and see if you can!" or if it is more of a whiney "i can't" then i usually go all dramatic on them " you caaaaaaaaaaan't??? oh noooooooooooooooo, how are you/we going to do it then??"
this. :yes

---------- Post added at 11:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 AM ----------

I'd only disallow it in my children if *I* too would take on that burden.

Mommmm , I wanna play outside....come with me.

"I can't honey , i have dishes to do." (said in a frustrated tone)

Mommmmm....read me this bookkkkkkk (for the 100th time that day)

"I can't , I'm nursing AND have to finish dinner." (said whining because it's been one of those days)


MOmmmmmmmmMOmmmmmmmMommmmmMOmmmmmm I need help wiping my butt...MOMmmmOMMMMOMMMMOMMMOMMMMOMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM

"I can't , I'm online right now , I showed you last time , do it yourself" (said disgustedly)

Because "Can't" is a part of daily living. Not allowing a child to say it , but *hear* it daily...that's just setting up disaster.
:yes

[Our Family Is His]

I grew up with that said to me as well, but it was only said to me when I truly didn't want to do whatever was being asked of me. "I need you to go unload the dishwasher." "Mom, I don't know how, I can't." (silly example, but you get the idea). If I was frustrated with a piece of homework, "I can't do this math", I was helped. If I honestly couldn't do something after I had tried, I was helped or taught.

I allow my children to say they can't do something as long as it's not just an excuse, and that's pretty simple to determine. Usually an excuse is before they even try. :D No one can do everything. I either do it, help them do it, or teach them to do it (depending on what it is). My son, for example, was told to put his shoes on the other day. He took that to mean also tie them (which he can't do yet). After about a minute of frustration he said, "I can't do this". I did it while teaching him. He still can't, but his 'can't" was out of frustration and trying to do something he honestly couldn't do.

[mokamoto]

I'd only disallow it in my children if *I* too would take on that burden.

Mommmm , I wanna play outside....come with me.

"I can't honey , i have dishes to do." (said in a frustrated tone)

Mommmmm....read me this bookkkkkkk (for the 100th time that day)

"I can't , I'm nursing AND have to finish dinner." (said whining because it's been one of those days)


MOmmmmmmmmMOmmmmmmmMommmmmMOmmmmmm I need help wiping my butt...MOMmmmOMMMMOMMMMOMMMOMMMMOMOMMOMMOMMOMMOM

"I can't , I'm online right now , I showed you last time , do it yourself" (said disgustedly)

Because "Can't" is a part of daily living. Not allowing a child to say it , but *hear* it daily...that's just setting up disaster.

Really great food for thought. Thanks!!!