When mum is the problem

[Zephan]

I have been a lurker for awhile, but never have posted yet, but tonight I need some help/advice.

I am a ranter and a raver. I try not to smack, but find myself falling back into old habits time and time again. Tonight I am feeling so discouraged, because I lost it with my boys (5 and 3) at bedtime, shouting etc. I know it is because I am tired and don't have the energy by the end of the day! It is easy to say to make time for yourself, which I manage to do, but as a single mum, I find even when I have time out, mentally I am exhausted by the end of the day.

I need advice, not with changing behaviours of children, but of myself! How can I get rid of these horrible behaviours?!

Off to go and apologise (yet again), and make amends.

[Llee]

:bump

[Annesil]

I'm sorry. I have no advice. It must be exhausting. I really struggle with bed time, my absolute least favorite time of the day. Definitely when I am most likely to be impatient and mean. I've been working on trying to focus on it as a time for me to dig deep and love my kids sacrificially. Some nights it doesn't work.

But I think that the apologizing and making amends matters even more. Your doing great. Owning up to my mistakes is hard for me, but it's good for our kids to see that striving to better is a constant battle. :)

[WildFlower]

praying is what helps me most. I just keep praying that I have patience and become the mom that DD needs. I don't pray to be a "good" mom because there are so many definitions of that,but the kind of mom that she needs. At bedtime it's sometimes hard when you are tired, and things arent' going smoothly. Getting ready earlier, sometimes helps. Not trying to plan something for after the children are in bed ,also helps. I get most aggrivated when I thought i would have time to do something when she goes to bed and then I don't because bedtime takes too long. Also I found putting on soothing music helps.

[bolt.]

I do better in that time frame if I have a 4:00 snack that involves caffeine. Honestly. I don't need it in the morning, but I do need it to kick in for after-supper and wear off by bed time... so I plan for it.

Even so, I still sometimes loose it.

I'm finding the more time I spend immersed in relationships with people who share my values of gentleness and patience, talking (typing) about those values... the less frequently it comes down to me loosing my temper.

It used to be weekly or multiple times in a week (just a quick flare of anger seemed to scare everyone just right). Now I can track it to happening once every 2 or 3 months, usually at a particular time of month, often when my blood sugar is low, and I'm tired, and I have a headache, and I;m feeling in-a-rush (or wanting something to be over). When all those factors gang up on me... yeah... it's a good thing grace is for Mamas too.

Lord willing, and given time, we will all find out that the Fruit of the Spirit is like other fruit. It grows.

On a practical level...

I have my own personal emergency plan for when I feel like I'm getting to the edge of 'too crabby' and am at risk of loosing my temper. (1) I go to the bathroom (a full bladder makes everything worse) and (2) while I'm there I take a moment to see if my head or body are hurting at all (often a low level of pain goes unnoticed but is contributing to the problem), then (3) I take an advil if there is any pain, and (4) a hylands (homeopathic) calms tablet (chamomile tea in a pill). That also affords me a few deep breaths alone and quiet. Then I go and (5) stir up some iced tea (for caffeine) and (6) serve myself a tablespoon of peanuts (for protein). Then I'm usually ready to (7) pray and (8) find something to do for a few minutes until all that kicks in (usually listening to an audio book on headphones while looking busy in the kitchen). It takes 2 minutes by the clock for me to do all 8 steps, and in 10 minutes I'm a new person if I can just keep my mouth shut for that long and not bite anyone's head off.

It helps me that my emergency plan is so specific and clear. It gives me a sense that I am in control and that there is something I can do about a downward spiral. It also stands for accountability, because usually when I do 'loose it' there was a moment where I actually thought 'this is getting edgy, I should do the plan' -- but didn't. The next time, I do the plan.

[Zephan]

Thanks guys...

I like the suggestion of having a clear plan in place. I spoke to my boys this morning, and my 5 yr old told me that next time I am feeling angry, I should tell them that I need some time out, and go lay in my bed and take deep breaths until I feel calm. :lol He has some good advice!

I wish I could have coffee in the afternoons, but I already have some issues with sleep, and so I can't have caffeine after about 1 or 2 pm, otherwise I don't sleep.

I find the biggest struggle for me is the step between knowing what to do, and actually doing it. :(

[GraemesMomma]

Bolt! I :heart the idea of a step-by-step emergency plan. That is exactly what I needed to see tonight :thankyou

[saturnfire16]

I find the biggest struggle for me is the step between knowing what to do, and actually doing it. :(

This is where the mommy time out is really helpful. :yes I used to go in my room and beat the bed senseless several times a day. Then take a deep breath, sit for a minute, pray and figure out how I wanted to handle a situation before going back to my kids. Now, I can't even remember the last time I gave my bed a good beating. The response I want to have is more automatic now.

[olive]

Being a mum can be exhausting- being a single mum must be really exhausting. For me, it almost always comes back to food- if I can stay well fed on lots of protein then I can keep an even mood much easier and not react to things so much. But evenings can be hard!

[Zephan]

Thanks guys....

GraemesMomma - I would love it if you could forward me some of those blogs?

I bet it is also diet related for me too.... I tend to suffer from really low blood pressure, and if I don't eat regularly, I get head spins/light-headed, so it would make sense that it affects my mood too.

Today was a great example. The boys and I took a train ride (1 hr away) to go to an African festival. They were good the whole way, until the last 10 mins, when the train was PACKED, and they started fighting, beign silly, shouting etc. I tried so hard to not get cranky at them, but it was like fighting a loosing battle, they were just off the planet.
Looking back now, I see that A) they were hungry. B) I was too worried about getting dirty looks from other passengers. But when you are in the moment it is hard.

Then we had a 10 min walk to where the festival was, and the whole 10 mins I got whinged at. I kept telling them that there would be food when we got there. But when we got there, there was no festival! I have no idea what happened. So now the kids were hungry, upset, and I was extremely annoyed and upset, and had no idea what to do (no shops nearby).

We ended up waiting over half an hour for my dad to pick us up, and then we went to the nearest shops for some food, but during that half an hour, I found my self snapping at the kids again, and getting increasingly angry.

It is in situations like this that I don't know what I could have done? There wasn't even a seat in the shade for me to sit on, and I'm allergic to grass, so I couldn't sit down!!!

My boys are just so full of life, alllllll day, everyday..... and I really struggle to keep the energy up to cope.....

I do think that some of what has happened to me over the past 6 years (emotional/verbally abusive relationship, pnd, lots of hard times) has turned me into an angrier person that I used to be....

[musiclady]

I have found this recently... 2 things REALLY helped. Just sitting. taking time out and just sitting and praying... sometimes just do it myself and try to difuse the argument.
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[Earthmummy07]

One thing I find really helps on day trips (which always wind up being a little stressful) is to have a backpack with drinks and snacks for everybody. Even if there is going to be food here we're going. Having the ability to bring our bloodsugar back on an even keel and keep everyone hydrated at what ever moment necessary is essential if we are going to make it through without everyone yelling at each other :hug

Added bonus, in an emergency, you can sit on the backpack :giggle

[Peridot]

Thanks guys...

I like the suggestion of having a clear plan in place. I spoke to my boys this morning, and my 5 yr old told me that next time I am feeling angry, I should tell them that I need some time out, and go lay in my bed and take deep breaths until I feel calm. :lol He has some good advice!

I wish I could have coffee in the afternoons, but I already have some issues with sleep, and so I can't have caffeine after about 1 or 2 pm, otherwise I don't sleep.

I find the biggest struggle for me is the step between knowing what to do, and actually doing it. :(

:hugheart O momma I feel your pain!! :yes Like EMo7 said your hard and fast rule needs to be a cooler back or similar, of food that goes everywhere with you. :yes Even if you're not taking day trips- lots of people underestimate the positive effect food can have on a situation. We're tempted no to snack because of weight gain, but there'e been times when I've had to keep a handful of almonds in my pocket, and those nuts have probably saved someone's life!! :shifty

Its hard. Lots of times- my boys are close in ages to yours and I'm single-parenting too- bedtime means we go into the boys' room and shut the door, and I either read stories, or sing, or lay down with them until they sleep. :heart

I can tell you that trip you took where the festival wasn't would have thrown MAximus straight over the edge. :doh I very well may have gone with him.. :shifty :hug situations like that, we can't really fix, we just have to get through it- like you did. :heart

As far as the ranting and raving goes- well, If GOd Almighty could shut lion's mouths... surely he can shut mine!! :yes and he does. More and moe often. But I've been learning GD for 2 years, and I still need help every day.

:pray4

[Tandem mama]

Thanks guys....

GraemesMomma - I would love it if you could forward me some of those blogs?

I bet it is also diet related for me too.... I tend to suffer from really low blood pressure, and if I don't eat regularly, I get head spins/light-headed, so it would make sense that it affects my mood too.

Today was a great example. The boys and I took a train ride (1 hr away) to go to an African festival. They were good the whole way, until the last 10 mins, when the train was PACKED, and they started fighting, beign silly, shouting etc. I tried so hard to not get cranky at them, but it was like fighting a loosing battle, they were just off the planet.
Looking back now, I see that A) they were hungry. B) I was too worried about getting dirty looks from other passengers. But when you are in the moment it is hard.

Then we had a 10 min walk to where the festival was, and the whole 10 mins I got whinged at. I kept telling them that there would be food when we got there. But when we got there, there was no festival! I have no idea what happened. So now the kids were hungry, upset, and I was extremely annoyed and upset, and had no idea what to do (no shops nearby).

We ended up waiting over half an hour for my dad to pick us up, and then we went to the nearest shops for some food, but during that half an hour, I found my self snapping at the kids again, and getting increasingly angry.

It is in situations like this that I don't know what I could have done? There wasn't even a seat in the shade for me to sit on, and I'm allergic to grass, so I couldn't sit down!!!

My boys are just so full of life, alllllll day, everyday..... and I really struggle to keep the energy up to cope.....

I do think that some of what has happened to me over the past 6 years (emotional/verbally abusive relationship, pnd, lots of hard times) has turned me into an angrier person that I used to be....


I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mama that doesn't get overwhelmed in that situation.

I spanked and yelled just a year ago. I still yell but it's getting better. There are a couple books I've loved and that have been so helpful to me: Playful Parenting is the first. The second is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

[J3K]

First : You are doing the right thing by apologizing and allowing your children to make suggestions. That speaks of putting the relationship first.

Second: When my kids do that (ex: the African Festival) I gave them tasks. Not always politely uttered , sometimes it was said thru gritted teeth while I clenched my hands behind my back and did my best to whisper. (helps with the yelling when you go the opposite direction). "Give me three bunny hops forward , run to that trash can , go around it backwards and skip back to me. THANK YOU. Now give me two skips, one elephant yell , and walk like an elephant the rest of the way around the trash can."
Playing a version of the game where you aren't supposed to move if you don't ask correctly.. (what is that game? I'm drawing a blank..not Mother May I ,but the other one...).
Keeping little bodies busy was the key for me. Letting little things go was also key. Little bodies can't sit still.

I also did my best to validate and look at each situation as THEY saw it. That really helped the ranting/raving. "Yes I know you're hungry and tired. I'm done too. I Spy with my little eye something (obvious to get them hooked). YES..now you try. What do you spy ?"

:hug It does get better. My 17yr old was asking me to do all sorts of things the other day (while in the store). I was DONE , but she was asking so politely and it wasn't 'hurting anything'. It finally clicked she was trying to keep me busy. LOL I called her on it , she admitted it with "Well , I wasn't gonna ask you to bounce three tile squares and spin like a fairy princess , but it worked anyway." Yes dear , it worked.


Ideas:
Fly like a superhero
Spin like a top
Count the tiles on the floor (always look at the ground where you are , giant tile squares are super fun to hop on..make a great game board)
I Spy
Mother May I (or modified version in which you just TELL them)
Bunny Hop
Crawl (when safe)
Walk backward
Skip
Bounce
Run (backward too)
Walk sideways
Imitate animals (Elephants were a favorite here and I have no idea why)
Your Best Silly Walk

And when I was truly having One Of Those Days ? I"d join them. "Everyone , do your best silly walk up to the trash can and around it , then walk backward to the lamp post. GO ! "

I was doing cartwheels in Kmart once when I was asked "How much do you charge to babysit?" LOL I remember it clearly because I was having one of those days I was wondering why I even had kids , I felt like a terrible mother. To be complimented on my age (thought I was a teen) and my skills at keeping kids occupied...it was balm to my troubled soul.

[GraemesMomma]

A few I've recently bookmarked:
http://mamamule.blogspot.com/2012/01/everybody-hurts-ten-ways-to-help.html
http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2010/11/hows-of-discipline.html
http://extraordinary-ordinary.net/2012/02/08/free-pass/

Just a fun little list:
http://www.examiner.com/attachment-parenting-in-mankato/10-things-to-do-instead-of-yelling

And favorite blogs where I never fail to find something encouraging and helpful *for me to grow as a Mama* - a search of their back-posts on mothering, specific areas like discipline or rhthym will yield much reading material :)
http://www.elizabethfoss.com/reallearning/2008/03/please-pick-up.html
http://www.itakejoy.com/parenting-it-all-starts-with-your-view-of-god/
http://theparentingpassageway.com/category/discipline/authority/
http://dulcefamily.blogspot.com/2011/07/7-steps-for-getting-back-on-track.html

Hope that's helpful :hug

[JJsMom]

The thing that has helped me get through bedtime is knowing that after they are in bed, it's me time. So I think about what I'm going to do. Usually it's watching a show and eating something. I look at the clock and conservatively guess how long until they are in bed. I'll think to myself "ok, one hour until I'm watching ____ and eating cookies... Ok, 45 min. until..." etc. I can do it for that much longer when I see the prize.
Do you have something you really enjoy?

[Zephan]

The thing that has helped me get through bedtime is knowing that after they are in bed, it's me time. So I think about what I'm going to do. Usually it's watching a show and eating something. I look at the clock and conservatively guess how long until they are in bed. I'll think to myself "ok, one hour until I'm watching ____ and eating cookies... Ok, 45 min. until..." etc. I can do it for that much longer when I see the prize.
Do you have something you really enjoy?


I think this usually makes it worse for me!!! I have a cooking show I love to watch that starts at 7.30, their bedtime is 7. Usually on nights I am so stressed out I look forward to time out, they play up and wont go to sleep!!!! It is crazy!

Normally I am going "one hour until I can go to bed" :lol

[Bethany89]

I totally get it. Parenting, at least for me, is a struggle with myself almost everyday. And I mess up, no doubt. We all do - we are human and far from perfect. The best thing to do is to make amends with your children. When my temper gets the best of me, I pray in my head and calm myself down then I hug my DD and tell her that mommy is sorry for yelling.
What has this done?
My DD is learning to apologize when she acts out. Yesterday, she kicked MIL's little dog. Before I said anything, she leaned down and said "Gracie I sorry" and hugged her. She told me kicking isn't nice.

She caught herself and, while the dog might be mad at her, seeing her recognizing that her own action was wrong really made me smile.

So... take mommy time outs, pray, and make amends and realize. No one is perfect.... I do agree that playful parenting is a wonderful book to read.. I am in the process and loveeee it!