I have a hard time with children crying-New Question in #42

[Rose5000]

Do you agree with this (sandra dodd statement)"in the smallest of decisions and actions, if you can choose what will promote calm and avoid tears you will be moving toward a more peaceful way of being."

Should I be moving in the direction of fewer tears from my children (ages 6 and 8, one boy, one girl)?

Tears upset me. Yelling and crying upset me. My daughter (6) will run away crying and screaming as if shes being tortured when i have to correct my son (say, for example, its time for him to get off the computer, he's been given advance warning and now he cries because he doesnt' want to get off....she will run off to her room crying as i just described in the midst of me talking to my son about his behavior. Then , the tears and screaming make me. feel. TERRIBLE. Like it's my fault. Like I've done something wrong to make them cry.

Is crying hard for you to hear? Does it upset you like it upsets me? It makes me feel crazy inside. Nervous. Out of control. Afraid. What is wrong with me?

[hey mommy]

I'll come back to this later when I'm not trying to keep myself from beating my crying toddler..

[J3K]

Tears are hard for me too.

Tears are not a reflection of me and my parenting abilities. Tears are a reflection of their mood. I have no control over that.

*I* needed to be the stable one. Once I figured that out , and started putting it into practice , I saw less tears in the house.

[Kiara.I]

Do you agree with this (sandra dodd statement)"in the smallest of decisions and actions, if you can choose what will promote calm and avoid tears you will be moving toward a more peaceful way of being."

No.

In the short term? Sure. In the long term? Not at all. Sometimes tears happen because of running up against a (sane, healthy, reasonable, necessary) boundary. Moving the boundary WILL NOT help the child to grow and mature. Rather the opposite.

Enforcing boundaries in the most peaceful way possible? Fine. But "choosing to promote calm" may not always be the most healthful thing you can do for a child. :shrug

[forty-two]

For *me*, I find Dodd's statement to be true. But a lot of that is personality driven, I think. I err more on the side of not taking feelings as seriously as I could, and can be a bit thoughtless and draw tears/upsetness that I didn't need to. And by more intentionally trying to approach things in ways that don't upset my dc, taking their feelings into account in my decision-making, the more I look outside myself, the less selfish I am, and the more calm and centered and peaceful we all are.

But sometimes tears are inevitable, and avoiding the hard but necessary things to avert tears now can lead to worse situations and more tears later.

Yet that still isn't an excuse to not even *try* to avoid tears, either - to say that, well this has to be done and so not even try to make it as palatable as possible. I mean, baby J hates getting his nose squirted no matter what I do :(, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to minimize the upsetness as much as I can.

Anyway, that's rambling :doh, but I think that minimizing upsetness as far as we can with *our* actions, while still doing what needs to be done, is a good goal. I see it as part of being unselfish, to go out of my way to help make things better for my dc. But I have to make sure I don't lose sight of the end goal, too. So I try to make teaching them to clean up themselves as pleasant as possible, but I still don't just do it for them entirely (the latter would have the least tears, but is not good for them in the long term).

[ShangriLewis]

Sandra Dodd is hard core. She can make you feel like battling in the mommy wars with her on one end of the room and Mrs. Duggar on the other:shifty

Crying used to grate on my nerves. Get me all worked up and anxiety filled And I wanted to hide. I hid these feeling because I felt guilty. When I finally talked about them I realized it was linked to the abuse I recieved as a child:cry So, I spent time visualizing some of those really hard times. It helped me to remember that I needed somethings when I was crying. I am much better at responding properly to crying now. I know my trigger feelings. So, I can stop my reaction and insert the reaction I want for my own children.

---------- Post added at 09:38 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:35 AM ----------

Had to read the rest of the posts to finish my reply;)

I don't control my childrens tears. They need to get them out. I think there might be hormones involved in it. But, I know I need a good cry sometimes. I give them a hug if they need it. Then later I go over the problem and give them the words and help them find the feelings behind their actions. That is how they learn. as I have started implementing this we have had less fights and tears in our home.

[forty-two]

Sandra Dodd is hard core. She can make you feel like battling in the mommy wars with her on one end of the room and Mrs. Duggar on the other:shifty

True dat :yes;).

I like Sandra Dodd in small doses - she offers a needed correction to my innate approach, and I do feel like it inspires me to be a better person. But I don't think her approach taken wholesale is a good idea :no. And she is as doctrinaire as any hardcore believer :shifty.

[Codi]

Happy is not the only acceptable emotion. Sometimes things upset us, and when we are little, that often means tears due to the inability to reign in our emotions more.

---------- Post added at 09:45 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:44 AM ----------

That is why we teach them other tools for expressing feelings. Not that crying is not ok, but there are other ways to express feelings, and feelings are GOOD.

[hey mommy]

Okay, I'll quickly add my input before I have to go lie down.

Crying invokes a response in me that makes me angry. I don't know why. I want to do anything to stop it, no matter what that might be. It's worse when I'm sick or tired. The toddler throwing a fit about something is enough to make me lash out. I hate it. I really, truly do. I try very, very hard to control it. And most of the time I do. So, the parents on the news who hurt their child because they "lost control", yeah, I can understand that. Completely. :(

I wish I handled it better. I really do. And I've come a long ways over the years.

[ShangriLewis]

Janice did you read my response:hugheart

[DoulaClara]

As mothers, we are biologically hard-wired to respond with increased adrenaline, increased awareness, and the "fight or flight" stuff when we hear our babies and small children (and oh, what the heck, anyone) crying. Our bodies were carefully designed to not have the ability to ignore cries.

What you can do is take tiny steps towards carefully plotting (in advance, when you're back in your thinking part of your brain, and out of your reactionary part that loud crying can drive us to) what your move will be in those circumstances. I try to give myself the gift of a deep breath, while reminding myself that out screaming them will make a bad situation worse. I remind myself of the goal at the moment, and also look around and pay attention to the context. Are they crying because of a boundary? Did they just bite their cheek while going to do something I asked them to do, and giving the false impression that they are flipping out over the request? Is today just a stinker of a day, and everyone needs a re set?

ETA: So, no, nothing is wrong with you! Your brain and body are doing exactly what they were designed to do. Now it's time to fine-tune and tweak responses, accept that you will have an emotional reaction to loud tears, and decide the "what's next" part.

[forty-two]

Happy is not the only acceptable emotion. Sometimes things upset us, and when we are little, that often means tears due to the inability to reign in our emotions more.

Very true :yes. I take Dodd's statement as more for me to do my part in not unnecessarily *provoking* upsetness - it's a reminder to take their feelings into account in how I go about doing things.

Like if way A is easier for me, but inevitably upsets my dc, but way B is harder for me, but is more pleasant for them - and both ways get us to the same end goal - then I believe it is important for me to do what I can to make way B possible the majority of the time. Sure it's easier for me to just think their tears about way A are inevitable and part of life, but they aren't, really - the *end goal* is what is inevitable and part of life, and since way B gets us there just as well, and without tears, I've a moral obligation to do my best to make way B possible.

There are tears enough in life without my provoking unnecessary ones, kwim?

[hey mommy]

Janice did you read my response:hugheart

No. I'm sick and just quickly skimming. My head hurts too much to read. I'll go back and look now

[ShangriLewis]

There are tears enough in life without my provoking unnecessary ones, kwim?

Beautiful:heart

[WanderingJuniper]

I don't disagree with her but nor do I agree. I have one child for whom I know my chosen action or words in a situation can encourage calm or something other than calm. :shifty However, I have another child for whom my actions and words have nothing to do with her tears. Her tears are about her and how she is feeling or processing a situation.

I find crying difficult. I'm a feeler and it eats up my internal energy to deal with crying. especially if it is big explosive crying.

[3PeasInAPod]

crying bothers me too, a lot. It's what I had to come to terms with b/c I tend to be permissive to end the crying. When he was a baby & crying so much (he had colic), I'd swoop in & hold him, rock him etc. I cont'd to do that as he grew older. Now my baby is 6. Yesterday at teeball practice, he was so cold out there & he was standing out on the field crying, so I waved him in & let him snuggle with me on the bench. The other kids were still participating on the field & I thought to myself - should I let him be snuggling with me on the bench-am I coddling him too much? Oh, but I couldn't ignore that sweet poor little face standing out there crying...and given there was only 10 min left of practice, I let him snuggle with me to warm him up.
But , see I have to be careful when it comes to boundaries & rules. I can't do the same thing when his cries are due to an enforced boundaries. I've learned to say "you are upset b/c of ______, it's okay to be upset, but you may have your big feelings in your room & if you need me in there with you, let me know"
and depending on what the issue is, I may go in there anyway to comfort him & talk to him about the "why's of a rule" or just to get him interested in something else he could do....
but if I stick around & let him whine & wale in front of me, i either want to cave in, or I get angry about it (b/c doesn't he know what his crying does to me??!!??). So I have to separate myself from it.

[WildFlower]

I think that "saying" sounds nice, and is good in maybe alot of "gentle" parenting, but not always correct either. I mean, I would rather avoid tears and frustation with DD as much as possible. But if that means NEVER saying NO and becoming permissive, then that isn't really healthy. :no Also , my thought was that it's also promoting the idea that the only acceptible feeling/emotion is "happy". Crying really bothers me, ALOT. But that doesn't mean those emotions are bad and they should be avoided. I think I don't like those emotions because I am such an INFP and I much more easily feel others feelings.

[Codi]

Very true :yes. I take Dodd's statement as more for me to do my part in not unnecessarily *provoking* upsetness - it's a reminder to take their feelings into account in how I go about doing things.

Like if way A is easier for me, but inevitably upsets my dc, but way B is harder for me, but is more pleasant for them - and both ways get us to the same end goal - then I believe it is important for me to do what I can to make way B possible the majority of the time. Sure it's easier for me to just think their tears about way A are inevitable and part of life, but they aren't, really - the *end goal* is what is inevitable and part of life, and since way B gets us there just as well, and without tears, I've a moral obligation to do my best to make way B possible.

There are tears enough in life without my provoking unnecessary ones, kwim?

Absolutely.

I wasn't trying to imply that we should be careless about causing tears. :no

---------- Post added at 10:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:13 AM ----------

To add...

I would never provoke my children to crying if there was another way about doing something. BUT, I am not going to NOT enforce a boundary or rule because they might cry. That would be permissive.

[forty-two]

Absolutely.

I wasn't trying to imply that we should be careless about causing tears. :no

I didn't figure you were :hug - I was just trying to clarify that I likewise wasn't trying to make happy the only acceptable emotion :no.

[Rose5000]

Happy is not the only acceptable emotion. Sometimes things upset us, and when we are little, that often means tears due to the inability to reign in our emotions more.

---------- Post added at 09:45 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:44 AM ----------

That is why we teach them other tools for expressing feelings. Not that crying is not ok, but there are other ways to express feelings, and feelings are GOOD.

Can yo please share some of those "other ways to express feelings"???? Thanks!

[Codi]

I didn't figure you were :hug - I was just trying to clarify that I likewise wasn't trying to make happy the only acceptable emotion :no.

:phew

I didn't think you were implying that either. No. :hug

I was replying to the OP only with my first post. :heart

---------- Post added at 10:19 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:18 AM ----------

Can yo please share some of those "other ways to express feelings"???? Thanks!

Yeah! Ill be back....my baby is crying. :giggle

[forty-two]

I would never provoke my children to crying if there was another way about doing something. BUT, I am not going to NOT enforce a boundary or rule because they might cry.

This, although I do reevaluate rules/boundaries if they are causing more distress than they're worth. If dc care more than I do, I will often modify or abandon rules - some things aren't worth provoking upset (or excessive upset), and some things are :shrug3.

[Rose5000]

.

Crying invokes a response in me that makes me angry. I don't know why. I want to do anything to stop it, no matter what that might be. It's worse when I'm sick or tired. The toddler throwing a fit about something is enough to make me lash out. I hate it. I really, truly do. .

I so get this. (relate)

[forty-two]

Crying sometimes really affects me, in that I hurt because they hurt. And if I feel like I should be able to fix it - the problem is my responsibility - but I nothing I do helps, I get panicky and flustered. ETA: And then its just a short step to mad :( - easier to externalize the pain, blame others, than to deal with it in a healthy way :bag.

But I'm good with giving hugs when they hurt because of outside forces, and good with giving hugs and sympathy, yet standing firm, when they hurt because of a boundary I believe is truly for their own good :shrug3 - situations in which its not my fault at all, or when it *is* my fault, but I'm confident in my decision.

And I find it impossible to hold up boundaries I don't truly believe in - I cave every time, b/c I cannot justify causing their upset over something that doesn't truly matter :shrug. That's how I learn what boundaries I really *do* believe in, push come to shove - when faced with their upset, do I still feel justified it's for the greater good?

[Rose5000]

This:


"I would never provoke my children to crying if there was another way about doing something. BUT, I am not going to NOT enforce a boundary or rule because they might cry. That would be permissive."

This is exactly where I'm having the problem. I am here alone with my kids since dh had an overnight bus. trip last night. It was really hard last night.and it's my fault. DS had time to play on the computer....he had like over an hour. Then I really needed my computer so I gave him a 15 min. warning and a 5 min, 2 min. 1 min warning. When it came time for ds8's time of playing on computer to end, I found myself giving in to his begging for "just a little more time, mommy" until I started yelling when he. just. wouldn't. ever.stop. So he starts screaming and crying and yelling at me and then dd6 starts doing her explosive running-out-of-the-room-crying.....and I feel terrible.

I now see the reason for his rage is because I just kept giving him more time[permissive] and then arguing with him about getting off. When he whined "Just a little more" I should have said, you've had plenty of advance warning and now its time to get off, and then I should have GOTTEN OFF MY BUTT and gone over to where he was and physically helped him to stop playing on the computer, EVEN IF crying ensued. Next time I will be more calm, more firm, and I will use 3 Peas in Pod's phraseology. I really like this, K! As follows:

"You are upset b/c you have to get off the computer. It's okay to be upset, but you may have your big feelings in your room & if you need me in there with you, let me know."

. My point is that I get MORE crying if I waffle on the boundary than if I would just firmly and kindly enforce it and let whatever big feelings must come, come.

I REALLY like the part about "and if you need me to be in there with you, let me know."

---------- Post added at 06:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:55 PM ----------

crying sometimes really affects me, in that i hurt because they hurt. And if i feel like i should be able to fix it - the problem is my responsibility - but i nothing i do helps, i get panicky and flustered. Eta: And then its just a short step to mad :( - easier to externalize the pain, blame others, than to deal with it in a healthy way :bag.

But i'm good with giving hugs when they hurt because of outside forces, and good with giving hugs and sympathy, yet standing firm, when they hurt because of a boundary i believe is truly for their own good :shrug3 - situations in which its not my fault at all, or when it *is* my fault, but i'm confident in my decision.

And i find it impossible to hold up boundaries i don't truly believe in - i cave every time, b/c i cannot justify causing their upset over something that doesn't truly matter :shrug. That's how i learn what boundaries i really *do* believe in, push come to shove - when faced with their upset, do i still feel justified it's for the greater good?

this. Is. So . Good!!!!!!!!!!

[forty-two]

This:


"I would never provoke my children to crying if there was another way about doing something. BUT, I am not going to NOT enforce a boundary or rule because they might cry. That would be permissive."

This is exactly where I'm having the problem. I am here alone with my kids since dh had an overnight bus. trip last night. It was really hard last night.and it's my fault. DS had time to play on the computer....he had like over an hour. Then I really needed my computer so I gave him a 15 min. warning and a 5 min, 2 min. 1 min warning. When it came time for ds8's time of playing on computer to end, I found myself giving in to his begging for "just a little more time, mommy" until I started yelling when he. just. wouldn't. ever.stop. So he starts screaming and crying and yelling at me and then dd6 starts doing her explosive running-out-of-the-room-crying.....and I feel terrible.

I now see the reason for his rage is because I just kept giving him more time[permissive] and then arguing with him about getting off. When he whined "Just a little more" I should have said, you've had plenty of advance warning and now its time to get off, and then I should have GOTTEN OFF MY BUTT and gone over to where he was and physically helped him to stop playing on the computer, EVEN IF crying ensued. Next time I will be more calm, more firm, and I will use ......'s phraseology [I really like that, .....!]. My point is that I get MORE crying if I waffle on the boundary than if I would just firmly and kindly enforce it and let whatever big feelings must come, come. I REALLY like the part about "and if you need me to be in there with you, let me know."

Btdt with waffling on boundary enforcement :yes - it really is the worst of both worlds :doh.

[Codi]

If you set a boundary, you really do need to enforce it. :yes You can re-evaluate later. But it is important to GOYBP (http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=54). :yes

So one idea with helping a child deal with their feelings is having them color a picture about it. Works for any emotion. Also, the book Dealing With Disappointment might be worth reading. :tu

[hey mommy]

For me it's the crying when you(they) don't know what they want. Right now Sammy is crying at my feet and I don't know why. I don't know what he wants. I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired, I'm sick, I just want to go to sleep. It got ugly already. Now I'm ignoring him so I don't do anything worse.


The boundries I can handle. Tell him no, I can handle that. I can reflect feelings, etc.. But this? No.. THis I can't take. Just tell me what the heck you want and stop crying already!!!

[LilacPhoenix]

I think that "saying" sounds nice, and is good in maybe alot of "gentle" parenting, but not always correct either. I mean, I would rather avoid tears and frustation with DD as much as possible. But if that means NEVER saying NO and becoming permissive, then that isn't really healthy. :no Also , my thought was that it's also promoting the idea that the only acceptible feeling/emotion is "happy". Crying really bothers me, ALOT. But that doesn't mean those emotions are bad and they should be avoided. I think I don't like those emotions because I am such an INFP and I much more easily feel others feelings.

I was reading this response thinking :yes. :yes to that. :yes that too. Then I got to the last sentence and :doh No wonder I agreed - fellow INFP:giggle

But yes, I try to minimize tears as much as possible... I have one who cries so easily (but is getting better), and one who only cries when there's something really wrong but he cries like his heart is SERIOUSLY breaking. I don't know which is worse to deal with... Right now I'm sitting on the couch with Gabriel in my lap and while they watch tv because every time I get up, they BOTH start crying and today I just can't take it :cry

[WildFlower]

For me it's the crying when you(they) don't know what they want. Right now Sammy is crying at my feet and I don't know why. I don't know what he wants. I don't know how to fix it. I'm tired, I'm sick, I just want to go to sleep. It got ugly already. Now I'm ignoring him so I don't do anything worse.


The boundries I can handle. Tell him no, I can handle that. I can reflect feelings, etc.. But this? No.. THis I can't take. Just tell me what the heck you want and stop crying already!!!
This is where I am at alot... DD is so NON verbal still and cries/screams for what she wants. It IS getting better but it's still so hard when they can't even tell you what they want.

Although it's still hard when you do know what they want and you can't give it to them. When I say No to DD and I know what she wants, her little face crumples and she is SO upset, it just breaks my heart, but I try to remain firm if it's something important. I totally get what Forty two is saying, you really do learn which boundaries are important and what's not really important to you.

[Rose5000]

Hey Mommy, probably what he wants is for you to feel better so he can get some loving and bonding from you. He probably is upset because he wants to be in a good relationship with you and knows that you feel frustrated and angry right now. Can you just hug him? I know this is hard, i just couldn't do it last night, my kids were behaving so badly and i was yelling at them and i just couldn't find it within myself to be sweet to them. I ended up putting on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (video) Sometimes we just can't get ourselves to the nice place where we would be a pleasant person to be around. You probably need a nap, and he .....could he take a bath and play in the water for a bit until he can calm down? Can you feed him something? Do you watch TV at your house? Can you put something on to free you up to doze on the couch? I will pray for you. HUG

[Aisling]

I have one daughter who literally *must* finish feeling alllll the way through a disappointment before moving on. I defy any other person to "help" a child with her personality stop crying before she's done. I pity the fool. It's a cute idea that you can work toward less tears, but, excuse me while I go into another (padded) room and laugh until my face hurts. :shifty


In all seriousness, with my expressive feeeeeeeely child, we work at crying softly in consideration to others at appropriately "quiet" times, not crying AT people, not holding others hostage with one's volume and not using tears as power. That's a good goal for naturally tearful children, I think. :heart

[Kiara.I]

I find crying difficult. I'm a feeler and it eats up my internal energy to deal with crying. especially if it is big explosive crying.

I think this is a really interesting point. While I find crying frustrating, especially if there's a LOT of it, or for what I think are silly :shifty reasons, then yes, I get frustrated by it. But it does NOT immediately provoke me to feel nervous or out of control or anything.

BUT, I'm not a feeler--I'm a thinker. Like, quite high percentage on the MB personality test.

(Not that I don't have feelings, of course, and big ones. ;) But just that I default to thinking about the feelings. :giggle)

Is crying hard for you to hear? Does it upset you like it upsets me? It makes me feel crazy inside. Nervous. Out of control. Afraid. What is wrong with me?

Sooooo.....if the above idea is accurate...then nothing's wrong with you at all. It's possible you're a much more "feeling" type of personality, and therefore others' feelings, especially unhappy ones, trigger a very emotional reaction. That's not wrong. :no It's who God made you.

Now, it does make it difficult for you, obviously, in this situation. So you need to work on finding strategies for yourself so that you can continue to function through the crying.

[Lady Grey]

I really struggle with their crying at times. It is especially bad early in the morning if I haven't slept well. I told Dh a few weeks ago that I had no idea how much crying was involved in raising children.

[saturnfire16]

Having read a lot of Sandra Dodd's stuff, I'm guessing that the context of that statement was about punitive parenting or parents who have a "my way or the highway" attitude or arbitrary rules.

It's helpful for me to remember this kind of thing when I need to be firm about something that needs to be done. Even if it really *needs* to get done, if my children are upset about it, I need to take that into consideration. I need to move toward doing it in a way that works for them and finding a solution that fits all our needs or at the very least being empathetic, kind and considerate while doing it.

[hey mommy]

Hey Mommy, probably what he wants is for you to feel better so he can get some loving and bonding from you. He probably is upset because he wants to be in a good relationship with you and knows that you feel frustrated and angry right now. Can you just hug him? I know this is hard, i just couldn't do it last night, my kids were behaving so badly and i was yelling at them and i just couldn't find it within myself to be sweet to them. I ended up putting on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (video) Sometimes we just can't get ourselves to the nice place where we would be a pleasant person to be around. You probably need a nap, and he .....could he take a bath and play in the water for a bit until he can calm down? Can you feed him something? Do you watch TV at your house? Can you put something on to free you up to doze on the couch? I will pray for you. HUG

Turned out he wanted a nap too.. And to pour the milk in his bottle himself. :doh I didn't even think about that.. Normally that's one I would have caught onto. Once I let him pour the milk, we snuggled in the rocking chair and he fell asleep.

[Dovenoir]

It's possible you're a much more "feeling" type of personality, and therefore others' feelings, especially unhappy ones, trigger a very emotional reaction. That's not wrong. :no It's who God made you.

Now, it does make it difficult for you, obviously, in this situation. So you need to work on finding strategies for yourself so that you can continue to function through the crying.

Can we continue in this direction or spin off?

[Aisling]

Can we continue in this direction or spin off?

DD2 put this empathetic INFJ on the fast track to navigating that when she was a toddler, and I'd love to dish about it. :heart Link if you decide to spinoff, please! :yes

[forty-two]

DD2 put this empathetic INFJ on the fast track to navigating that when she was a toddler, and I'd love to dish about it. :heart Link if you decide to spinoff, please! :yes

I could use help there, certainly :yes. I'm a thinker with fairly strong empathy, and usually the Te naturally keeps the empathy well regulated. But if I'm tired or stressed or nothing I do helps, they just keep hurting :bheart - yikes, I'm rapidly melting down, too :sigh. Which of course helps the situation ever so much :doh.

Eta: the very fact that I mostly have it under control, effortlessly, means that when that innate control fails, I have *no* tools to deal with it :bag.

[Aisling]

Eta: the very fact that I mostly have it under control, effortlessly, means that when that innate control fails, I have *no* tools to deal with it .


:yes :giggle reminds me of an epidural in that way...when it works, it's a dream. And when it doesn't, you're just kind of ALL out of option and, well, royally screwed. :shifty

[saturnfire16]

Having read a lot of Sandra Dodd's stuff, I'm guessing that the context of that statement was about punitive parenting or parents who have a "my way or the highway" attitude or arbitrary rules.

It's helpful for me to remember this kind of thing when I need to be firm about something that needs to be done. Even if it really *needs* to get done, if my children are upset about it, I need to take that into consideration. I need to move toward doing it in a way that works for them and finding a solution that fits all our needs or at the very least being empathetic, kind and considerate while doing it.


Yes, I'm quoting myself. :giggle

I couldn't think of a good example and then right after I wrote this, the following happened.

I woke my 3 year old up from her nap and got her dressed while she was half asleep so we could go pick up dh from work. Leaving the house, getting in the car, getting buckled- all of those things had to happen, but when she freaked out and started screaming and crying, I had a choice.

I "thought of two options and chose the better one," which is another tip from Sandra Dodd. I could have told her to knock it off, don't be so dramatic, this doesn't really require blood curdling screams. Instead I chose to be compassionate. It didn't lead to less crying exactly, because she was tired and upset and confused, but the other option would have certainly lead to more crying.

I also thought about how I could do things differently in future situations. I could give her more time to wake up before getting her dressed and in the car for one thing. So in that sense, I determined to make the choice that would lead to less tears in the future.

[Rose5000]

crying bothers me too, a lot. It's what I had to come to terms with b/c I tend to be permissive to end the crying. When he was a baby & crying so much (he had colic), I'd swoop in & hold him, rock him etc. I cont'd to do that as he grew older. Now my baby is 6. Yesterday at teeball practice, he was so cold out there & he was standing out on the field crying, so I waved him in & let him snuggle with me on the bench. The other kids were still participating on the field & I thought to myself - should I let him be snuggling with me on the bench-am I coddling him too much? Oh, but I couldn't ignore that sweet poor little face standing out there crying...and given there was only 10 min left of practice, I let him snuggle with me to warm him up.
But , see I have to be careful when it comes to boundaries & rules. I can't do the same thing when his cries are due to an enforced boundaries. I've learned to say "you are upset b/c of ______, it's okay to be upset, but you may have your big feelings in your room & if you need me in there with you, let me know"
and depending on what the issue is, I may go in there anyway to comfort him & talk to him about the "why's of a rule" or just to get him interested in something else he could do....
but if I stick around & let him whine & wale in front of me, i either want to cave in, or I get angry about it (b/c doesn't he know what his crying does to me??!!??). So I have to separate myself from it.

This.

---------- Post added at 11:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:03 PM ----------

Can we continue in this direction or spin off?

Did this ever get spun? SOmeone wanted help with tools when you're a feeling type person and you need help "handling" the tears and crying of dc.

---------- Post added at 11:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:18 PM ----------

I think this is a really interesting point. While I find crying frustrating, especially if there's a LOT of it, or for what I think are silly :shifty reasons, then yes, I get frustrated by it. But it does NOT immediately provoke me to feel nervous or out of control or anything.

BUT, I'm not a feeler--I'm a thinker. Like, quite high percentage on the MB personality test.

(Not that I don't have feelings, of course, and big ones. ;) But just that I default to thinking about the feelings. :giggle)



Sooooo.....if the above idea is accurate...then nothing's wrong with you at all. It's possible you're a much more "feeling" type of personality, and therefore others' feelings, especially unhappy ones, trigger a very emotional reaction. That's not wrong. :no It's who God made you.

Now, it does make it difficult for you, obviously, in this situation. So you need to work on finding strategies for yourself so that you can continue to function through the crying.

This was actually the part that the person was asking if we could spin.

I ask because I'm thinking about when I was a child the weird screaming out in the middle of the night that my dad would do, the times my dd cries explosively now, have the same panic effect on me.

[Dovenoir]

Thanks for picking this back up. I lost the thread somewhere back there
Posted via Mobile Device

[JoEllen]

I don't think any mother likes hearing their child cry. But it's also very damaging to teach a child that it's not okay to cry.

[WildFlower]

I am a feeler and I have a hard time with my daughter crying. Not just because I am her mother but because if MY big feelings. I catch myself almost wanting to cry when SHE cries, especially when I don't know how to help her with her feelings and I can't make it better. I sometimes do try to calm her down by saying, it's ok, it's ok, or I sometimes tell her to stop at some point, because she just keeps going. I know that's not good and I want to be able to help her work through her feelings without shutting her down. I don't know if my problem is because of something in my past or not.

[Rose5000]

Can someone else help me either spin this or just change the title of this thread so people know we're taking it in a new direction of "help for feeling mamas to handle dc's crying"?
My mouse isn't working to drag and copy large portions to the new thread i started and now i am obsessing and stuck between wether to just change the title of this thread of start a new one, but if i start a new one i want to bring a couple of the pertinent posts from here over to there . i already started a new one with no content. i feel so stupid and frustrated.

My first post would say, something like:

Kiara mentioned that we feeling mamas need to have tools to help us handle with our children's crying that gets to us so much. So I want to ask if anyone can elaborate on that, how to do that, where to find help for that?

---------- Post added at 04:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:33 PM ----------

Never mind. I just put the link to this thread into the new thread. thanks anyway. Here's the link to the new thread:

http://gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?p=5047933#post5047933