Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

[x403momx]

One of my AP christian mama friends really liked the "secular" book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. I decided to read it and am about 3/4 done. It's been a real eye opener for me. Just wondering if anyone else has read it and wanted to share what they thought of it?

[melliethepooh]

I liked it to the degree that he tears down the whole reward/punishment system that conventional parenting is based on. Then again, I was dissatisfied that he didn't really provide an alternative. I'm not sure what he intended...I don't imagine he'd condone permissive parenting, but I have no clue what exactly he was advocating :shifty Maybe somebody else has a better understanding.

[x403momx]

Yes, that's part I think I will struggle with. I agree with him on everything but I'm not sure how to REALLY apply what I am learning. He gives ideas and says he's not "do x to get y" etc type author.

[Rabbit]

I think I've read reviews here on that book before, and he is a little too far on the permissive side. I've learned a lot from other mothers who have used his work extensively in their family, but I haven't read it for myself yet. It certainly helped me relax about homeschooling and whether or not I was parenting "right."

[saturnfire16]

I loved it!

He doesn't offer a formula or many practical tips, but is a great pagadigm shift. I like his emphasis on "working with" instead of "doing to."

I think his advice could only be taken as permissive if the parent tends to be a boundaryless person anyway and afraid to be a leader. Sometimes it's helpful to have ideas of what to do in a certain situation, but I find that most often I need to look at my child and our relationship and work out a solution to any problem *with* her, rather than following someone else's formula anyway.

[melliethepooh]

:yes Tools-that's what he leaves out; tools. Half way through the book I was an Alfie Kohn lover and then...nothing. No ideas for what to do after you've made a paradigm shift.

[inesperada]

He's closely connected with the TCS movement, which is not promoted on GCM. I've not been impressed with him personally so I've never read his work.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

I've read it and one of my best IRL mommy role models reads it regularly. IMO the only way he could be called permissive is to ignore his very clear statements that parents do have to say no sometimes (I'm paraphrasIng).

That said, it does lack tools, but I think there are other great resources for that...GCM anyone? ;)

I think he is great for switching away from a punitive paradigm.

[x403momx]

He's closely connected with the TCS movement, which is not promoted on GCM. I've not been impressed with him personally so I've never read his work.

What is the TCS movement?

I think he is great for switching away from a punitive paradigm.

Yes! At least that point is drilled in the book so if anyone reads it, they'll get that punishment doesn't work.

[allisonintx]

I've enjoyed his writings and he's very accessible when read with a healthy filter, however, the parents I've known IRL who were all "ooooh, Alfie" had no boundaries at all.

[IslandHome]

TCS - Taking Children Seriously.

I liked most of the book - especially his example at the start of how his daughter was called a 'good child' after an aeroplane ride, and he realised how 'good' in children just meant 'not heard or noticed'. It was a very :ideafor me :)

But I agree with PP - it offered no tools, and seemed very much of the 'TCS' mindset.

[gentlemommy]

He's closely connected with the TCS movement, which is not promoted on GCM. I've not been impressed with him personally so I've never read his work.

How is he connected with the TCS movement? I know a lot of TCS parents love him and recommend his books, but I was never under the impression that *he* advocates a TCS approach and in fact, I seem to remember reading that he spoke *against* that approach in an article or something. :think

I really liked the book. It was *the* book in which I made the paradigm shift to GBD. :tu I agree there aren't a lot of specific tools; the book is a bit more theoretical. There are a lot of other great books with lots of specific tools (Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is my fave) but I still think Unconditional Parenting is a great book that explores the whys behind positive discipline.

[Ms_Dahl]

I definitely benefited greatly from his book. It was a real eye opener for me (that other parents wanted to parent from an unconditional place) and it helped me feel normal when my maternal voice was developing. When I read his book it just felt right for me and my desires as a parent. I wouldn't say it led to a paradigm shift for me - that happened for me after reading The Continuum Concept (what a book that was, soooo good!).

[inesperada]

He at one point had a forum that was pretty entirely TCS.

[ArmsOfLove]

I've read it and one of my best IRL mommy role models reads it regularly. IMO the only way he could be called permissive is to ignore his very clear statements that parents do have to say no sometimes (I'm paraphrasIng).

That said, it does lack tools, but I think there are other great resources for that...GCM anyone? ;)

I think he is great for switching away from a punitive paradigm.
Actually, the way I call him permissive is because several years ago he allowed himself to be co-opted by the TCS movement and defended them faithfully on his boards. TCS defends "NO coercion" ever. He and I had a bit of a run in years back that was a huge eye opener to the area of his personal character so I don't recommend his books. It's a shame because while I found it utterly lacking in practical information I did appreciate his books.

That said, I'm "low coercion" and when I focus more on problem solving we have more cooperation :yes I just believe "no" comes more often than only sometimes--especially as a family grows larger.

[teamommy]

I can see how this book can be taken different ways depending on a parent's background. It is because he is very vague about parental authority and leaves a whole lot up to interpretation. There are very few actual examples, as I recall.

So if you are coming from a more traditional, punitive mindset it could seem very helpful to read about rewards and punishments and to start to think about other ways of thinking about and being with your children.

But if you tend to be permissive with children, there is not much in the book to counteract that, to say "of COURSE the parent is the ultimate authority in the home and sometimes has to make decisions for the child that are unpopular", or "of COURSE not every preschool-aged (or even school-aged) child is rational enough in the moment to 'work with' them and they cannot always see the long-term consequences of their actions, so there are important areas in which the child may not get to have a say". If you are already in the mindset of a high degree of parental authority over the child in all things, you might assume these things, but if you tend permissive, you might assume he means the child gets equal input in every circumstance. And since he doesn't say otherwise, he pretty much leaves the door wide open for TCS, consensual living, or whatever other term is used for similar ideas.

[x403momx]

I have never heard of this "TCS" movement you all speak of. Thanks for explaining the abbreviation... Can someone send me a link or just quickly explain what TCS is all about? Is it all about permissive parenting?

[ArmsOfLove]

this is a short summary http://aolff.org/spoil-the-child/tcs

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=137905 This is GCM's statement

[breezy88]

I liked the book.
The biggest eye opener for me even though I was already non-punitive was this:
Punishment causes the child to think about how their behaviour affects them instead of how their behaviour affects others.

I love that. I had never thought of that and that is helping me to explain my non-punitive approach to friends and family.

However I too felt that the book lacked practicality and was a bit heavy on the "don't praise ever" approach. I am not against praise as long as it's not like " You played so nicely at playgroup....I love you".... I would say, " You played so nicely at playgroup. You seemed to have a lot of fun. What was the best part?"

[HealthymamaHappymama]

One of the first parenting books I read. While reading I realized how I could relate to the damage that punitive parenting can do. So it really prompted me to learn more about different parenting styles because I didn't want to repeat what my parents did. It was definately a shift as I grew up with everthing being conditional including love. I felt I needed more tools or guidance for how to put it into play. I keep finding myself being a little too permissive trying to avoid being punitive:(

[princesspoet]

its on our bedside table i'm yet to read it though! it was good to read this before i do!