Leaving your baby

[holisticmama76]

OK, so my daughter is almost 2 years old, and I have literally only left her 6 times (with her father), 4 of which she was taking a nap. My husband always said he was fine watching her, but he would get an attitude with me when I came home from running errands or the one night I got to go out with my mommy friends. Also, I'd come home and she would be hungry or dirty. It just made me feel like if her father can't even take good care of her, why should I trust anyone else. So basically, I've never really left her with anyone.

Now, as some of you saw my first thread, we have just moved to Colorado where we literally know one family, but they've only just started to build a relationship with my daughter. This family is not AP, has no idea what that means, and basically think I'm really weird with all of my "philosophies". I do not feel comfortable leaving her with them because they just don't get it.

I'm a firm believer of the AP principles that if you decide to leave your baby with someone, it should be a consistent person so that the baby is able to be attached to them as well. My question is, how long did it take you to establish this relationship? We have been living here about a month, and my daughter still is uncomfortable when they pick her up, she still hasn't taken to them. More so, did you wait to leave your baby with people who at least shared in your parenting ideals? There is a seminar coming up in 3 weeks, and it requires that I be gone for 5 days (being home mornings and nights, but gone all day), and I am feeling a lot of pressure to leave my baby for this seminar. I am not comfortable with it at all, I'm still breastfeeding my daughter (though, mostly comfort nursing), and I just feel like she won't understand why I've left her. Especially since I am literally the only person she has spent the last 2 years with.

I really don't even know what answers I am looking for. I know I am not ok with this, but my husband is pushing the issue, amongst many others, that is requiring me to feel like I have to abandon everything I've sacrificed for to raise my daughter this way so far. Where we once were on the same page, it seems he is now reading a different book.

[lalaithnil]

My DD just turned two, and I've never left her, even with her father. Not because I don't trust him; just because it hasn't been necessary. So I think you need to decide if your seminar is necessary and/or feasible. If you don't have someone you trust to watch your DD, then it isn't feasible. If you're not ready and/or she's not ready, then don't leave her. Don't let anyone pressure you into leaving her; you are her mother and you will know when you are both ready.
Have you spoken with your DH about this? Have you been clear that neither of you is ready to be separated yet? I do think that you should be able to trust him with her. If you can't, that requires some exploration as to why. :hug
The bottom line is, it is great that you don't want to leave her. It isn't a problem that needs solved. Some Mamas and babies are ready sooner than others to be separated for a bit, and I'd wager a bet that most of the mamas here who have done that have done so by leaving their DC with someone trustworthy who loved them. :yes
It's okay not to leave her yet. :hug

[Niphredil]

I'm not sure outside of an emergent situation that I'd leave my daughter with someone 1). That I've known for a very short period of time 2). whose parenting philosophies I'm unclear of/don't line up with mine. Add that your daughter doesn't seem fond of them AND she's rarely been apart from you, I just don't think it would be a good situation. I'd totally see if there was a way I could take her to the conference, or, unfortunately, skip it. :hug2 Have you lined up all the factors for your DH? Sometimes dads just don't get the attachment issue like mama's do. It really is fine not to leave her. Really.

[Kernigemom]

What Nephredil said. It really is ok to skip it if you think it's going to stress both of you out.

That said, I've had good success with taking M to conferences, but the most we've done is 3 days. I pack lots of snacks, crafts, toys, etc., sit on the floor with him and also record the sessions in case I'm way too distracted. Maybe your husband could distract her *at the conference* for a session or so each day, just to break things up for her.

M is the most attached child I know, even among AP'd kids, and wanted nothing to do even with Daddy until he was about 2.5. I've started working PRN, and I find a morning or so with Daddy per week is really helpful. They get along better, Daddy appreciates what I do more, and M is *really* glad to see me.:giggle But we couldn't have done that at age 2.

[holisticmama76]

Thank you for your responses. Bringing her to the conference is not an option, she simply just isn't allowed. We have known this family for 3 months; my husband has known the father for almost a year. We have only been spending time with them with our daughter for a little over a month.

My daughter likes them, in the sense that she talks with them and says all of their names and will give hugs and stuff. But, when she is emotional in any way and they try to pick her up or comfort her, she won't have it. That's what I meant by she doesn't take to them. That plays into my concern of me going to the seminar and her having a meltdown or emotional need and finding no comfort in our friends watching her; and then I'm not there for her and our relationship is affected negatively. I feel like she is too young to be left because she is too young to understand the situation and can't be communicated with. We have a relationship built on trust, and she knows that when she needs me, I am there for her. I fear going to this seminar, and her needing me, and my not being there for her breaking her trust in me; and realistically, it will change her understanding of her entire world, which is wrapped up in me and my attachment with her.

The hard part is that neither my husband nor this family see things that way. They see that I cater to my daughter, that she rules the household, and that I am not willing to let her cry or possibly have a bad day so that I can support my husband and go to this seminar and work on my marriage, etc. I just feel that we have made decisions that have put us in the situation where we don't have another caregiver in my daughter's life that can allow for separation to take place peaceably. Therefore, we need to wait until that relationship is either established, or she is older to understand the circumstances (preferably the latter). However, my husband (to a lesser degree) and this family feels like she just needs to suck it up, and get used to this new way of life.

The good thing is that, although my husband is expressing these feelings, he isn't pushing them. He is somewhat disappointed in me, but understands how I feel, and wants to "keep the peace". I am just not resolved to the fact that my husband doesn't see things the same way I do, and thereby defend these decisions when others push a different agenda.

[Quiteria]

Ok, so it's a marriage seminar?

Can you obtain a video or audio copy of it? Send your dh and go over all his notes and worksheets in the evening? Could you purchase a different marriage curriculum designed for home use (like small group curriculum), and do that together instead of the seminar?

I would try to make clear that you value him and your marriage, but that a 5 day seminar out of the blue isn't going to happen, and it's not very good for families if the church or seminar company is pitting couples against each other by exerting pressure to attend regardles of how it affects nurslings. It's not fair to your daughter OR to the family who would be listening to her scream for 5 days straight, or to you dealing with the fallout afterward. God isn't cruel, and it isn't right to inflict all that in His name, whether others agree or not.

The time you spend investing in her now is part of what will build the foundation for being able to leave her securely in the future. It's not that you and dh will never have a date again in your lives; it's that you are still in the season of dying to self and making sacrifices to care for "the least of these." You can commit to learning about NOT being permissive within an AP framework, because that is a common pitfall to avoid, but God gave you both this little person to teach you about putting aside selfishness and demonstrating love. You CAN work on your marriage at the same time; in fact, that's a very important priority. It just isn't going to happen via this seminar if it isn't going to work for the WHOLE family.

[Kiara.I]

About the seminar, I have no idea.

Actually, the part that concerns me is this:

My husband always said he was fine watching her, but he would get an attitude with me when I came home from running errands or the one night I got to go out with my mommy friends. Also, I'd come home and she would be hungry or dirty. It just made me feel like if her father can't even take good care of her, why should I trust anyone else. So basically, I've never really left her with anyone.


Soooooo....how much parenting does your DH do when you *are* home? How have you been allowing him to grow as a parent?

I know sometimes when we have children, we feel like nobody can take care of them as well as we can. But sometimes, that leads us to elbow our husbands out of the way, because even they can't do as good a job as we can. Is it possible that's been happening with you and your DH?

What things could you do to build the relationship between your DH and your daughter?

[Iarwain]

I'm hearing you state a few different concerns. You are worried that this other family is too unfamiliar to your daughter and won't be able to comfort her when she's upset. You are concerned that they won't care for her the way you'd want her to be cared for. You are worried that she'll feel betrayed and confused by your sudden absence. You are worried that it is too much separation too suddenly. Is that right?

I can tell you that there have been times that I have left some of my little ones for the day (for several days in a row) at even younger ages but always with someone they were comfortable with. Others of my children I was unwilling to leave for so much time at that age. Each child and each scenario is different. *You* and *your child* are your own unique situation.

There are a lot of factors involved here. It's not just a clear black and white "AP" decision. There is your child's temperament, her relationship with the people who'd be watching her, what she'd be doing while you're gone, how far away you'll be and how often you'll be able to check in with her, etc... There is no one right answer. :hug You are her mama and you are the one that knows her best. It's OK to say "no" or even "not right now." It's also OK to say "yes" if that's what you think is best.

[RainbowMummy]

Just thought I'd share what we did in case it helps to know that it's quite normal to not leave kiddies at 2. My eldest wasn't left with anyone until she was 4 years old & my 2nd was left at 2.5 because she had her older sister to vouch for her & got along with the family well.

[Little Forest]

Based on all the facts of your situation, I would definitely give the seminar a miss this time. Life will be a bit different in the future. I definitely understand where you are coming from here on this and I would not do this. If your DH doesn't quite understand, nevermind, you are the mom and know best!

If you did leave her, it *might* work out just fine, but OTOH, it might be disastrous for her and I don't think you should be obligated to take a risk you are not comfortable with.
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[MarynMunchkins]

I think it's fine to say that you're not going to leave a 2 yo for 5 days with a family she doesn't really know. I wouldn't do it.

I think it's also a good idea to listen to the fact that your dh would like to have time alone with you, and work on finding a trusted sitter so you can do that. :)

[Close2MyHeart]

:yes It's definitely ok to not leave her. I don't even have people I don't know well babysit for a few hours. :shifty (And by that I mean people I haven't known for YEARS). 2 is still very young & if she's not super comfortable with them, I wouldn't leave her. 5 days is a long time!

But I also agree w/ Mary that it's a good idea to listen to your DH wanting alone time. :yes

I also wanted to share that someone men just don't parent the same way we do. (Actually most of the time they don't!) At some point I had to let go of my feelings of "You don't do as good a job as I do" and let him parent. He's not abusive (doesn't spank or ridicule or anything), he feeds them & plays w/ them a bit. Yes, the house is a mess & yes, I've come home to DD in a dirty diaper that he didn't notice & yes, I've come home to them being up late watching a movie or dirty from playing outside, but it's not a big deal in the end & it shows the children that I trust Dad to take care of them too. :yes

[holisticmama76]

I 100% agree that my husband is asking for alone time. He has been asking for dates and such. We just discussed it again last night because he felt that it wasn't something I wanted. I explained my feelings that I do want to be close to him, but that it has to be reasonable and not at the expense of our daughter. She is very young, and this family I've been talking about would be the only family available to babysit, and the problem comes in that my husband wants to drive to Colorado Springs or Pueblo (an hour and a half to two hours away for either) to have a date. So that's turning into like a 5-6 hour date, which is just ridiculous. Especially since she nurses to sleep. I told him he would have to settle for lesser dates in town (where there really is nothing to do), and that our friend would have to be willing to watch her at our house because it is her normal area and easier for her here rather than being in a new environment AND without us.

As for the seminar, it is not a marriage seminar. This is a PTSD seminar. My husband is a wounded veteran, and this seminar is for healing for him of his post traumatic stress disorder. The sessions would be attended together. It is something he has to go through, and something I am allowed to go through with him as a support system to him. It is a very difficult topic, he will be revealing a lot about himself and his struggles, and all of our marriage struggles have been related to his PTSD which is how the seminar will benefit our marriage. However, there is a weekend marriage seminar coming up in March that I am also being pressured to leave my baby and attend.

My husband gets it, he understand what I've expressed for my feelings and how she is too young and we don't have a good enough support system to trust her to others. I've told him I want to meet families in Colorado Springs (because there seems to be a lot of AP/Gentle Parents there) and work on building those relationships so that in another year or two it will be easier for us. But, for one, he doesn't agree with my feelings or share them and he just wishes I didn't have them so that they weren't an obstacle to his desires. Secondly, he doesn't want to bother building friendships with other parents that share my parenting ideals because he has a preconceived notion about what those men are like and he doesn't feel he has anything in common with them. I had a small group of friends where I moved from, and they were AP'ers, but their husbands were very quiet, nerdy, and some were very emasculated. My husband befriends men who he looks up to, and sees strengths in; manly men who lead their families and whose children obey. That is very appealing to him. He doesn't like the gentle approach. He wants her to just obey and be told what to do so that he doesn't feel any embarrassment or shame in her having a "bad day". I've tried explaining that no one is perfect, and that includes our daughter, and that those moments are her in her imperfection and that is why it is so important for us to have grace for her and to try to help her work it out on her own instead of forcing control over her and her resenting us for it and waiting for the next time to "Rebel".

As for letting him have more opportunities to parent, I really am at a loss. He is gone Monday through Thursday from noon until she is asleep. Those mornings, he wants to sleep in, and if he wakes up early, he does have play time with her if I suggest it. During that time, I am doing my morning chores, so he is alone with her. But, I have to step in to feed her or change her or whatever. Friday through the weekends is when we have our family time where we drive into Springs or Pueblo and have little adventures like Bishop's Castle. But, I'm really the lead person with regards to my daughter because he is burdened if he has to follow after her or change her or whatever. I keep asking him if he wishes we didn't have her because he makes me feel like he is trying to have a life without her and is disinterested in really being a father; and he responds with an of course not and how much he loves his daughter. So, I don't know, my idea of attachment and parenting is completely different from his. He is waiting for her to be old enough to be left so that he and I can have more time alone, and I am blessed and more attracted to my husband when he is a better and closer father.

This is definitely a transitional time in our marriage as lots of new information is coming up and I am learning how much we are not on the same page as we once seemed to be. My husband is suffering from PTSD in the midst of all of this, and it greatly affects his ability to process information and have self awareness. I am trying to actually meet like-minded people and form real friendships so that I have a support system. If something ever happened to me, I am in complete fear for my daughter's life. I am her whole world, and I have no back up, and my husband isn't going to raise her gently or attached. He even talks about spanking, how he hates that I say he isn't "allowed". He says it's not as though he wants to hit her or thinks she needs it now, but that he doesn't like being told what to do in regards to being a father, and that if the situation called for it in the future, he wants to be able to do it.

I am just in such a lonely place right now. I am trying to be a good wife, but the sacrifices my husband is asking me to make are too greatly warring against my God-given motherly instinct! I have no one here that is in agreement with me, and spiritually and emotionally that is so important. I greatly desire that my husband would fill that role, and that we could have friends who second it as well. I'm just not there yet ...

[olive]

Sounds like you're having a hard time with this decision. My advice would be that you might feel more comfortable working up to leaving her, starting with shorter amounts of time- and this conf sounds like a long time to leave her. Perhaps you would also feel better leaving her when she is a bit more verbal and can talk to you about how she feels about it. Are there any sessions at the conf that might be especially beneficial to you? Maybe dh can play with dd while you attend one or two sessions? I'd also suggest that it might be good for all three of you if you started giving dd more time with dh when you run errands/out for coffee etc- he will have a chance to get more confident with her that way.

[musiclady]

I just had a thought. could you take dd with you, and have your dd and you g for walks etc while your dh attends sessions? then switch.
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[holisticmama76]

Switching with my husband isn't an option. As I mentioned above, he has to attend the seminar. He is part of a ministry right now, interning for the first 6 months while also going through the program, then finishing the program as a staff member. This 5 day seminar is mandatory for the veterans involved in this 12 month ministry program. My attendance is just desired as a support system to my husband because this will be emotionally difficult for him. I have agreed to commit to one day only, leaving my daughter with this other family member for one day at my house; and I MUST be contacted if she cries for me.

Working up to leaving her would be ideal, except that the seminar is just too soon. It will be next week. I only found out I couldn't bring her a week or two ago, so even in that time frame, it was too soon. Personally, I don't want to leave her at all. I feel it isn't what's best for her or I in lots of ways. But, I will be going on more "dates" with my husband and leaving her for short periods of time to appease him.

[illinoismommy]

I would only leave the toddler if her father was watching them. Your daughter isn't old enough to tell you if the care she receives from this other family is positive, and sometimes seemingly nice families turn out to have skeletons.

My husband always said he was fine watching her, but he would get an attitude with me when I came home from running errands or the one night I got to go out with my mommy friends. Also, I'd come home and she would be hungry or dirty. It just made me feel like if her father can't even take good care of her, why should I trust anyone else. So basically, I've never really left her with anyone.

And this is something that needs to be worked out pronto, especially if you plan to have more children with him. :hug2

[Llee]

I'm fairly confident there ate GCMers in your area.

[katiekind]

I feel like she is too young to be left because she is too young to understand the situation and can't be communicated with. We have a relationship built on trust, and she knows that when she needs me, I am there for her. I fear going to this seminar, and her needing me, and my not being there for her breaking her trust in me; and realistically, it will change her understanding of her entire world, which is wrapped up in me and my attachment with her. I want to validate what you said here. This makes sense to me. I always felt the same way about leaving my little ones.

What Iarwain said made sense to me too--every situation is different but I trust your instincts that in this circumstance, with this child....it's too much, too soon.

Except in an emergency I wouldn't leave my toddler for 5 full days straight (even if I were to be home in the evenings). It's too hard on them, and hard on me too.

I am so sorry about your husband's PTSD. It's hard to feel torn in two separate directions by two people who need you. :hug2 I pray you'll be able to work it out.

When our kids were little we found alternative ways to spend quality time together. One nice thing was that our kids slept well in the car, so we took a lot of daytrips and while they napped in the car--a good solid sleep in each direction, usually, we got a lot of good talking done. Then when we were at the destination, we had fun as a family.

[orthodoxmama]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this, and that I understand! My husband is not AP either, and while he (thankfully) gives me enough space to be AP with our daughter, I do not like leaving her with him bc he is not AP & he just is not into the whole nurturing thing. When you said you worry about what will happen to your dd if something happens to you, I totally have those same feelings! I know that dh would just stick her in her car seat facing the tv every day, with her bottle propped up on a blanket, bc that is what he did with my stepson (before dh & i were together). The thought literally makes me :sick, so I get where you're coming from!

I am blessed to live about 20 mins from my parents, who were both very AP w/ me & my siblings. They are the only ppl I have left my daughter with, and that hasn't been for more than a couple hrs at a time. But I trust them completely, and I know that they will respond to her needs the same way I would. If that weren't the case, I wouldn't leave her. I won't even leave her in the church nursery, even though realistically I'm sure they would be great with her, bc I'm just not ready yet. My dh just doesn't get it.

I also understand how disappointing, and heart-breaking, it is when you think you and your spouse are going to have the same general parenting style, and then it turns out the two of you are total opposites. That's really hard.

It's important to support your spouse, and it can be really tough trying to balance taking care of your husband's needs vs taking care of your child's needs. However, when it comes down to it, I will not let anyone, including dh, try to tell me how to take care of my baby. Keep having faith...everything will be ok! :hug2