If you have multiple dc of the same gender...

[NovelMama]

...how do you handle sharing/ownership of toys?

PJ and AJ are only 2.25 years apart, and they play with pretty much the same things. Until the last year or so we've treated toys as communal property, but as AJ matures she's wanting her toys to be, well, her toys. :) It makes sense, but it also is really hard to police--if she's not playing with it, PJ sees no reason why *she* can't play with it, and frankly I feel the same. If it's something AJ has purchased with her own money, or it was a really special gift for one reason or another, then I understand better the idea of not allowing PJ to play with it. But for toys that don't fall into those categories it feels ridiculous not to let her. :shrug

It was just me and my brother when I was a kid, and we didn't have many communal toys because we didn't like the same things, so I don't really know how to handle this. In some cases (i.e. inexpensive stuff) we'll buy them each their own, but we obviously can't do that with everything, and it seems really wasteful to have two of everything around simply because AJ doesn't want to share. But, on the flip side, I understand the need for a sense of independence, separateness, etc. that AJ is developing.

:help

[Eesti]

In our house if dd1 really doesn't want anybody else to play w/it then I ask her to take it to her room and put it away. She only does that w/a few things...most she is too lazy and just decides to share instead. LOL.

[milkmommy]

In our house if dd1 really doesn't want anybody else to play w/it then I ask her to take it to her room and put it away. She only does that w/a few things...most she is too lazy and just decides to share instead. LOL.

This now there really "shouldn't" be communial toys here since my kids are 7.5 years apart but we still get the baby wanting everything her big sister has and Cecilia suddenly rediscovering her "childhood" :giggle..
For Cecili honestly if shes got a toddler toy and the toddler is whining I tell her to give it up (cecilia not maggie) I dont care if she wants to play with MAggies stuff but were not gonna have issues with them...
IF Cecilia doesn't want Maggie messing with something then it stays in her room espically when not in use..
Overall I count my self lucky Cecilia and Margaret are the best of friends

Deanna

[Codi]

My current two outside of the womb ( :giggle ) are NOT the same gender and we have the same issues. :shrug

If it is the other person's toy, they need to ask. If that person says no then they have that right, IMO. But I will also talk to them each and explain to the one saying no why it is a good thing to share and if they are not playing with it at that moment, why allowing their sibling to play with it would be a nice thing to do. If that sibling still refuses to share their item, I try to help the one asking for it to think of something else they might be able to play with, or help them think of a compromise (like trading toys for a bit, etc...)

[RainbowMummy]

My two have their own 'special spots'. For a few months it was just one of the shelves on our bookshelf but we just bought them a cupboard each so one drawer is now their 'special drawer'. They are only allowed to put things that are actually theirs in it but they can choose out of their own things what they do put in it & if the drawer gets full they need to decide what to take out of it. I *think* that feeling safe that those things of theirs are not allowed to be touched by anyone has given them the safety not to be possessive over all their toys.

We still encourage them to think of each other & share toys outside the drawers but unless they decide to share toys inside the drawer themselves, it's off limits. This has meant that our eldest can have things that are more fragile & learn to be responsible for them without the 3 year old trashing them (or actually with our two it's often vice versa :lol )

This is OT but it's reminded me...an older mother told me the other day to make sure I always do some things that shows that there is an age difference between our two girls.(ours are 2.5 years apart) she said that when girls these ages are used to doing things together they (& especially the youngest) can get a big shock & be really hurt when the eldest hits puberty & suddenly starts pulling away from the younger type games & play. I remember this happening with me & my younger sister actually & we are 6 years apart! In our home our two girls do a LOT together & a lot of that makes life easier for me so I don't want to change too much of it yet but having their own special spots where the eldest can now be given slightly older 'this is very precious, you need to look after this' things helps them to both remember the age gap. The younger one talks about it with me but seems quite happy to say 'I can get that when I'm big, like L'. It seems to excite her that she can look forward to that. :)

[Heather Micaela]

Technically we don't have *any* communal toys unless they are purchased that way (Like a board game, set of blocks, play kitchen, or something.) The only other things that end up communal is when the bigger kids pass down toys to the yongers.

And TBH, I think it works just fine. We have all sorts of scuffles here, but rarely about sharing. The kids usually play together and share just fine and share toys back and forth. I am often not aware of whose pony is whose. But they know and rarely have issues with others using them. But the ownersip works when there *IS* a conflict. When both want a toy, priority goes to the owner and all know it. That even means they are not forced to allow someone to use their toy - whether they want to use it or not. However there is encouragement by me to let the other use it for "a little while" first.

It seems like ownership would be counterproductive to sharing, but it really is not. They are secure in what is theirs and therfore share knowing that if things go awry they can always say "enough." As adults we are not usually required to have community property in those things we hold dear, we are taught to be generous with OUR possesions. So I think this is the same deal. And TBH we have more problems sharing at grandma's where there are plenty of toys but nothing belongs to any child in particular. But even then, but "more problems" I just mean we have to do a lot more timers, taking turns, etc and then they are fine. I almost never have to intervene at home. If I do, it is usually just to say "Who does it belong to?" They don't even answer, the toy just goes to the owner and often the owner finds a different toy OF THEIRS to let her sister play with.

I wanted to say that we do NOT have two of everything, btw, but the girls each of things in each major play category. So they each have one My Little Pony or other, but they do not each have a Pinky Pie. The play house technically belongs to my oldest dd as does most of the furniture, but the little girls have been given pieces when my oldest has gotten new stuff. (Which does not change where it sits, just a verbal transfer of ownership.) The younger two both have some Barbie sized princesses, but not the same ones. They all have dolls. They all have plush toys.

But only T has Toy Story toys. Only A has puppy stuff. Only C has an 18" AG doll. But IRT to the poster who said at times it is good to recognise the age difference, there are those things too. Each of them have to reach age 7 befrore they get an AG. Each of them wait to be old enough to do Girl Scouts. My middle dd is so happy to be a Daisy now. She has waited 3 years. T is only 20 months younger, but has 2 years to wait. But she is the only one who ever did preschool.

[MarynMunchkins]

There's enough gap between my genders that it hasn't been a huge issue, but I usually solve it by telling someone that if they want to play with something on their own, it needs to stay in their room.

All of my kids would rather play in the living room, so it works even though I have kids sharing bedrooms. :)

[sprout]

I have three of the same gender and they are aged eight, five and one and a half. Pretty much all toys are shared. The older two share a room as well. There are a few special toys that we have multiples of...such as favorite dolls, but for the most part, toys are to be shared.

One just had a birthday, and the special birthday toy is not to be shared until she is ready. Once she is ready, then pretty much it is the person who is playing with it at that time.

[MamaPepper]

Ooooohhh!! GREAT topic!! Three boys here. . my youngest and oldest are only 3 years apart, so it's generally a war zone at our house! Can't wait to get some good advice about this!!

[MomtoJGJ]

I have 4 who are pretty close together :) The age gap from oldest to youngest is 6 years. We pretty much have all communal toys. You may not snatch from someone's hands (like right now I'm hearing from the other room a scuffle... #3 evidently snatched something from #4 and #2 took it and gave it back... now #3 is asking #4 nicely... #4 said no and all moved on)

Anyway, all 4 of them share a room, but we have two sets of bunks, so they have their separate bed. If they dont' want someone touching their things then it must be on their bed. If someone finds it on the floor they can play with it :shrug The ONLY things we have that MUST be given back upon demand (hopefully nicely asking) are their special bears and each of them have another special thing. So basically they each have two things right now that no matter where it is, if the owner asks for it they will get it back immediately (unless it's Jayden's something that Evie has... Jayden is really good about letting Evie finish playing with it before taking it back... nothing we've taught, just her personality)

Honestly, if it's something they will fight over, we just either don't get it or get multiples. Like this Christmas we found a deal on Mobigos and someone gave us a Nintendo DS for Jayden... so we now have 3 Mobigos and a DS. They all share their individual ones, but there is enough that no one has to wait.

[NovelMama]

Thank you all so much for your replies! :grouphug. I think part of the issue is my own personality (I do find it truly ridiculous not to let someone else use your stuff if you're not--then again, maybe that's just maturity and not personality) but part of it is that the girls share a room and have such small personal spaces (just a small drawer in a Rubbermaid drawer thingie) that they don't really have a way of keeping their own things private even if they wanted to. We're in the process of shuffling things around, and I think I'm going to rework toy storage so they each have a place for their own belongings.

Heather, thank you particularly for your thoughts on sharing and ownership. Given my political beliefs, I should have come to that conclusion a lot sooner. :giggle

[BarefootBetsy]

Pretty much all of the toys we have are communal. Each girl has her own special baby doll and a few special stuffed animals, but really after a week or two after the birthday or Christmas, the toys become everyone's. If dd3 keeps getting into a toy that the olders don't want her to have, then they are instructed to put it up where she cannot reach it.

The older two are both old enough to understand a request not to play with something and they usually work it out. If they cannot work it out on their own, dh or I will help mediate. If that fails then we put the toy up for a day or two and it hasn't usually been a problem again when we bring it back out.

[Heather Micaela]

BTW I have 4 kids in one room. The key to allowing ownership in such a small space is that I leave it up to them. All the ponies go together. If no one can remember who the pony belongs to then it must not be that important. So either 1)Pony goes away because it not worth the fighting 2) It gets shared It is like king solomon with often the real owner letting the other use it :giggle

I will say that there are perfectly valid reasons for not wanting someone to use your things even if you are not. You just spent 15 minutes dressing your doll and giving her a bear and putting her to bed. Now you sister wants to come and mess it all up. You keep the hair of your ponies really nice but your sister always gets it tangled up. The last time you let your sister use your dollhouse furniture she left it a big mess and you had to help put it away and you. didn't. do. it. Your sister draws on/breaks/loses your toys.

Now if none of them were yours it is worse because now you have no right to even tell her to keep them nice and respect your property. On the flip side, if the doll is yours and you want to draw all over it with a ball point pen, the consequence is yours to bear (Though mom will try to intervene because she knows you do not understand how permanent that is*) And if you destroy all YOUR toys then the natural consequence is that you have none (Borken toys around here are not tolerated and are rapidly thrown out) and your sister has a lot. She MAY share, but she may not. And now you may learn to treat your toys a little nicer.

[Niphredil]

My girls each have their own special dolls and bears that they keep on their bed, but all the other toys are communal. If they get something new, say for Christmas or their birthday, I let them have a week (random arbitrary time :shrug3 I've never had anyone care after 4 or 5 days, so I've not had to enforce it.) that it's "their special toy" and they can keep it on their bed.

Around here it's usually more an issue of who had it first that causes fights rather than who owns the toy.

[Heather Micaela]

My girls each have their own special dolls and bears that they keep on their bed, but all the other toys are communal. If they get something new, say for Christmas or their birthday, I let them have a week (random arbitrary time :shrug3 I've never had anyone care after 4 or 5 days, so I've not had to enforce it.) that it's "their special toy" and they can keep it on their bed.

Around here it's usually more an issue of who had it first that causes fights rather than who owns the toy.
If that works then fine, but TBH as a child that would have bothered me knowing almost nothing truly belonged to me, even stuff someone gave me JUST for me as a gift. I talking only from how I would feel as a child (which I can remember discticnly how I felt and thought) and wonder if kids just do not have the words to explain what bothers them. I would not be able to deal with the idea that my things got taken away and given to everyone else after a week.
I am ok with buying toys that are communal from the get-go and having that be the general rule, but having a parent tell me after a week that something was no longer "mine" would be anxiety producing and mess with my securitiy and boundaries.

[RainbowMummy]

I will say that there are perfectly valid reasons for not wanting someone to use your things even if you are not. You just spent 15 minutes dressing your doll and giving her a bear and putting her to bed. Now you sister wants to come and mess it all up. You keep the hair of your ponies really nice but your sister always gets it tangled up. The last time you let your sister use your dollhouse furniture she left it a big mess and you had to help put it away and you. didn't. do. it. Your sister draws on/breaks/loses your toys.

Now if none of them were yours it is worse because now you have no right to even tell her to keep them nice and respect your property. On the flip side, if the doll is yours and you want to draw all over it with a ball point pen, the consequence is yours to bear (Though mom will try to intervene because she knows you do not understand how permanent that is*) And if you destroy all YOUR toys then the natural consequence is that you have none (Borken toys around here are not tolerated and are rapidly thrown out) and your sister has a lot. She MAY share, but she may not. And now you may learn to treat your toys a little nicer.

I feel pretty much the same.
We have a funny combination here with our eldest being naturally quite careless with things but her younger sister's personality making her very mindful of things. so at first we were protecting our younger girl's precious things from being drawn on & ripped by the older one & also trying to teach the older one the consequences of destroying things without affecting anyone else but her.
But now, the older one has a couple of things that 3 year old fingers could accidentally break. Now that my older one has finally started to learn that we need to look after the things that God has given us, I don't want to undo that! :lol

[Niphredil]

If that works then fine, but TBH as a child that would have bothered me knowing almost nothing truly belonged to me, even stuff someone gave me JUST for me as a gift. I talking only from how I would feel as a child (which I can remember discticnly how I felt and thought) and wonder if kids just do not have the words to explain what bothers them. I would not be able to deal with the idea that my things got taken away and given to everyone else after a week.
I am ok with buying toys that are communal from the get-go and having that be the general rule, but having a parent tell me after a week that something was no longer "mine" would be anxiety producing and mess with my securitiy and boundaries.

It's not that it's not theirs... it's that when their sibling has it I'm not going to stop the sibling from playing with it and give the toy back to the owner like I would when it was brand new. Usually by the end of the first few days they choose to put it on the shelf rather than on their bed. :shrug3 We've always done it this way - in fact, this is the first time they've ever even had their own spaces to put things, we've usually all shared a room - but I will be sure to keep an open mind about it if I see the slightest hint that it bothers them.

It's interesting, I always had my own room growing up and I am very selfish about "my" things. I keep them all on my own shelf and don't let other people use them. :bag M, on the other hand, always shared a room and is very "what's mine is yours". Likewise, Nora would give away her left arm if she thought someone could use it more than she could.

[crunchymum]

Coming back to read because this is a HUGE source of contention in our house! :banghead

[Heather Micaela]

Ok - that makes more sense.

I had my own room. I was very giving so long as it was voluntary - as in the other person asked first. My mom h=once had to rescue half my toys because a neighbor asked for them and I said yes so she would like me. She seriously tooK HALF my toys.

And to be clear I do not just swoop in and give the toy back to the owner (though like I said, squabbles over this are few) but rather make the one who took it ASK to use it and understand the rules involved in caring for a toy that is not yours. I think it teaches how to respect the property of others and respect their boundaries.

[Rea T]

It's a huge source of contention here too and I am clueless because I grew up as the only girl so I have no recollection of ever really wanting to play with my brothers' toys and I know they certainly never wanted to play with my dolls.

Probably 80% of our toys are ones that they received as gifts, so almost everything is owned by ONE of them. And I have a really, really hard time when one wants desperately to play with the other's new toy saying 'no, you can't' even though the sibling isn't playing with it.

I think I might have to do the 'special spot' thing.