Birth order and "difficult" children

[Sonata]

I read something last night that said that first born children, especially boys, are most likely to be high-intensity, high-needs, and generally difficult to parent. (I am using the word "difficult" not to be negative but because it is a VERY accurate label of our life right now!!!!)

I often hope that our subsequent children will be a LITTLE bit more easy-going (at least some of them? sometimes?), but think perhaps they will not, as I think both DH and I were strong-willed, intense children. But we are both oldests as well.

Any thoughts?

Moms with multiple kids, where are the most spirited in your birth order?

[Happygrl]

My oldest, a girl, is high needs but not really 'difficult'. As a baby she was always screaming or laughing, nothing in between, and is pretty much that way still.

My middle one, a boy,...well, its hard to give an a good description because I'm still recovering from 3.5 :shifty As a baby, he had an intense need to know where I was, much moreso than my oldest, but I was also the only one he wanted. Ever. He is much harder for me to parent than my daughter. 3 has been so hard. 3.5 reminded me why I was so very glad to only have to do it one more time. It brought me to my knees daily. Maybe two months ago, it was like a light switched with him and he became much calmer, more agreeable, etc.

Side note, kinda', but I really think that age 3 is a bad time to try to decide anything major (like more children :shifty), judge how "well" GD is "working", etc. It is such a different ballgame for most kids.

My youngest, a boy, is fairly go-with-the-flow...except in some areas. He may be my must stubborn of the three. He was the easiest as a baby by far.

[MomtoJGJ]

I'm just answering on all your posts today ;)

Jayden is by far my most difficult child. She has OCD which doesn't help, especially like right now when it's out of control :crazy she's always been high needs. She also has the biggest heart, but is the most uncoordinated :) She tries harder at everything than any of the others. So it's a mixed bag. I get the most frustrated with her. But she's also my trial run at parenting :shifty she gets all my mistakes simply because she's the oldest and goes through everything first. Big huge E extrovert

Grace is my most dramatic, but is also fairly easy going. Not much throws her off kilter, but when it does WOW, it's BIG, HUGE STUFF. I'm not looking forward to puberty with her ;) We cannot joke her down from her emotions like we can with Jayden. Big huge I introvert. She's also an instigator. She would be the one in a cartoon that starts a fight between two others and jumps out right as it starts and walks away smiling.

Julianna is easy comparatively. She doesnt' care if we go anywhere, but she doesn't want to be alone. She loves having her sisters around, but do NOT let them mess her stuff up. She is feisty and has a temper and she does not forget a wrong, even if it's not against her. She is a very just person. She also has OCD tendencies, which I think play into that sense of fairness.

Evie has an awesome personality. She's easy too, when she wants to be. She's still little though. She's very much the baby and she knows it. :) She learns from her sisters, so I"m trying to teach them that if they want her to do something a certain way, then they need to do it... do as I do type of thing. If she gets her mind set on a certain thing, it will go that way no matter what. We have to be very strict with boundaries or all goes awry. But she's not high needs by any stretch of the imagination. Just spoiled ;)

[racheepoo]

I don't agree about the difficult or intense except that there is a 1-1 connection that magnifies interactions between child and parent, so of course that is more intense and focused. Firstborns have certain traits, of course, but slapping the difficult, high-needs label on them all just doesn't make sense to me. I've known plenty of focused, driven, ambitious firstborns who are intense people pleasers and are parental favorites (for lack of a better word) because they identify with adults and seek to emulate adults.

TBH, it sounds kind of Dobsonish, that whole "difficult to parent" label and I'm wondering if it's more of an age/stage thing that your noticing in your firstborn :yes I have a high-needs, intense child who would perhaps be mellower if he was born at another birth order, but his personality is his personality. :shrug It is also usually true that you are harder on your own birth order than you are with children of a different birth order. You expect more out of a child who is your same birth order, and with you and your H both oldests, it is definitely something to ask yourself :yes

[GraemesMomma]

It's been COMPLETELY true in our house!! :yes
:crazy

[MarynMunchkins]

:shrug Honestly, all my kids are high needs and spirited in different ways. Most are loud and intense; one is quiet and intense; but all are challenging. :)

My oldest is special needs and while he has definitely been difficult, his inherent personality isn't nearly as challenging as my 2nd. My middle child is fairly laid back, but wears all his feelings on the outside and can be exhausting. My littlest girl is the most like me, so I find her the easiest to parent, but she is not laid back. She's just quiet until she explodes. The 2 yo? :rolleyes2 He's all LOUD, HIGH ENERGY little boy. :heart

I think the fact that you are dealing with your first 3 year old has more to do with the difficult part of parenting than just his (or your) personality.

[klpmommy]

P is pretty easy. E is sensitive. S&R are much more strong willed personalities.

[SweetCaroline]

my first was needy..but nowhere NEAR as needy as my 4th. :shrug

my middle- is the typical middle child though..:think

[heartofjoy]

My firstborn is BY FAR my most challenging child to parent. She pretty much always has been. Even now, as a 12 year old, she's harder than the rest. You'd think with 5 kids, I'd have others who got the intense, strong-willed, tenacious genes. :shrug3 Or maybe it's just that I know what I'm doing with the ages/stages of the other children. It's always a new stage with the firstborn. ;)

[MomtoJGJ]

I would DEFINITELY not label Jayden as strong willed.... She is an absolute people pleaser... there are just a lot of people here to please, so when she tries to please one, she generally is not listening to us :shifty Intense, high needs, difficult yes, but not because she is just trying to buck what we say.

[forty-two]

The theory is right for us :shrug3. R was a *very* high-needs baby, A was medium intensity, and J is about the most easygoing little guy you've ever seen :melting. A's become more intense in toddlerhood, though, but R's...not mellowed, exactly, but her intensity's easier to deal with now that she is older :shrug3.

Dh and I are both firstborns, very stubborn and persistent, and I'm also very intense (dh is rather laidback) - I'm glad R was so persistent and intense herself, or we would have run roughshod over her without meaning to. And I *get* intensity - it's not easy to handle, but it makes sense to me.

(For an alternate theory, I was seriously depressed when pg with R, moderately depressed with A, and healthy with J - some studies suggest maternal depression can have biochemical effects on the babies :shrug.)

ETA: DH, I, R, and A are all strong-willed. Too soon to tell with J, but I figure the odds are in his favor ;).

[klpmommy]

oh P is most definitely a follower and people pleaser. He's an E-FP and t1. He's going to have a lot of fun in life. ;)

[tazmom]

If you had asked me if dd1 was spirited when she was my only child, I would have told you Absolutely, yes. :yes She has lots of crazy ideas and opinions and can also be sneaky and difficult to parent.

Then dd2 came along and I got a big dose of perspective. She has special needs was very difficult to parent for a long time. Now she's very compliant except when she's melting down. ;)

I was talking to some other moms a few months ago about how dd3 was driving me insane and every one of them said "Yup, she's a third born." She's a goofball and funny and intense and very strong willed and loving and smart and gets into trouble when she's bored. Plus, she's two. ;)

The biggest difference I've noticed has been me, not them. Going through 2 for the third time I have way more patience. I'm confident in my ability to handle whatever situation comes up. I don't feel like I need to prove anything to anyone. I know that whatever stage we're in will not last forever. I've learned to relax and enjoy each child at the age and stage they are in.

[Rabbit]

My firstborn is my easiest to parent. I have to work to make sure she is getting her needs met, and not taking on more responsibility than she should, with her two very high needs, aggressive, demanding younger brothers.

[saturnfire16]

The theory fits here, but my oldest also has a corn allergy that affects her behavior and she got to be my practice child coming out of a punitive mindset, so :shrug3 I might think my middle child was difficult if she was my oldest and I didn't know what I know that allows me to say "meh, three year olds do that :shrug3." However, there are some things about my oldest that are not allergy related or parenting related, but just the way she is that makes her more intense.

[chasingbutterflies]

my middle one is by far my most intense. :shifty

[cbmk4]

My most spirited child is #3, followed closely by #4--both of them girls. My lowest maintenance children are #1 and #2.

[backtobasicsmum]

My dd ( middle child) is, for me, my most difficult child to parent. As for being "easy" as a baby, my first was my easiest and they have gottten progressively harder each time. Or maybe I just got tireder. :shifty

[dakotablue]

I'd take it with a grain of salt.

For me DS1 is ME...we'll go with spirited :P~
DS2 way way laid back

My sister DD1 pretty chill
DD2...not as much as DS1, but colic, Oh Boy! that child screamed an hour a day for the first 6 months of her life! Still "spirited" but that made my sister question the wisdom of a third. She is so so cute now too!

For me however, I love DS1 personality, I don't find it difficult, but Dh had a very hard time with him...and sometimes me too :shifty

[tree_hugger]

My first born was by far my most intense, high needs baby. He was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when he was six. I often think if he had arrived as my second or third baby, his babyhood would have been so much easier for both of us, simply because I would have been more confident and relaxed.

DS2 and 3 were both very calm, relaxed babies, who grew into fairly laid-back, easy enough children. DS2 has a bad case of middle-child syndrome, though. :giggle

[Sonata]

It's interesting to hear your stories. :) Seems like sometimes the argument holds and sometimes it doesn't -- just like most about everything in child rearing!!

I'm not asking just from a perspective of thinking DS is "difficult" right now. If you go through a list of "spririted" behaviors, he fits almost every one, and has since he was a baby. Even his wise, calm pre-school teacher admits that he is a handful and I've noticed that he's always the one on the teacher's lap in a group situation -- and I've been a pre-school teacher, so I know exactly what that means! :giggle

[Soliloquy]

Our first child was very, very high needs but mellowed out considerable with the help of classical homeopathy.

Our second son has insane high needs, he suffers from pretty intense anxiety. Many days, 90% of my day is spent on his needs.

Our third child is a sweet little dolly and, if all our kids were as calm as she is, we'd probably have 10!

Our fourth is medium WRT to needs.

[ValiantJoy07]

My oldest was VERY intense and high needs especially her first year...She is still HN's in some area's...But compared to my dd2...she doesn't seem intense any more.:shifty

[zak]

All of mine have been very easy babies, very laid back. My oldest is the most intense of the bunch (3.5 yrs was tough on us all). My second at 3.5 was a totally different story. Easy-peasy. :)

Age, personality, parenting, life circumstances, etc... I think that has a lot to do with it too. :)

[Heather Micaela]

Other than my firstborn having sensory issues and some emotional reactions to things that are younger than his age - he is easy to raise. He is quiet and obedient:shrug3

All the rest are INTENSE

[mamaKristin]

All three of my children have their areas where they are more challenging. For the most part, they are all pretty easygoing....except when they aren't.

My mom always said that I was the easy kid (oldest of two), but then I turned 15 and all bets were off. :giggle

[heartofjoy]

My mom always said that I was the easy kid (oldest of two), but then I turned 15 and all bets were off. :giggle

This was totally me!!! :yes My younger brother was a HANDFUL when he was young. ALWAYS in trouble. But as a teen, he was great. Go figure. :shrug3

[Eowyn]

My first and second were both crazy-intense toddlers and preschoolers. Now, #1 has mellowed and #2 is the one who keeps me on my toes in intensity and just plain more-ness. #3 is a chill guy, and the baby has vim, and she's definitely going to keep me busy, but for right now, I understand her, so she's not factoring into this discussion.

[klpmommy]

All three of my children have their areas where they are more challenging. For the most part, they are all pretty easygoing....except when they aren't.


:yes

[greengirl19]

I only have one, but my firstborn son is very high-needs, difficult, all those things. And other people who know us well and have multiple kids have said that :yes. I have to imagine that another child would be less so.

[Marsha]

My first is high strung, my second is pretty mellow. Except for this year when she's 6, I don't recall her being bad at 3 even. So,yes, the legend holds true here.

[Aisling]

Mine are intense in different ways.

DD1 is probably the most classically "spirited". She has big ideas about how things should happen, she fights to make them happen, and has big reactions when her efforts are thwarted. (even if it's over a standing rule or something that she can already predict our much-repeated response to). If something truly bizarre is going on, she's likely the mastermind, and she'll defend her right to do that thing to the bitter end. :giggle

DD2 is emotionally sensitive, but not so spirited. She's highly creative and whimsical, but spends most of her time in her own happy little world. If she does something really shocking, it's often not purposeful and she truly didn't really she was doing something that out of bounds. She gets carried away with her own little pretend, and generally is pretty compliant about making it right again, if we help her find a way.

DD3 is probably the most stubborn and hardest to distract at almost 3. Once something's in her head, it's really super hard to dissuade her. She loves peace and predictability, though, so while she's *intense*, I wouldn't call her necessarily "spirited" in a classical sense.


Our firstborn is probably the only one who fits the spirited label...they're all energetic, creative and adventurous, but Violet is more than likely the one to stir things up because she's bored beyond belief, even if she knows it's not a great idea, and then defends her right to cause a ruckus. :doh :giggle

[purplerose]

I have a girl first....easy easy easy

I had a boy next....hard as a baby, but has been easy ever since

I had another boy third....HARD HARD HARD HARD HARD. He's 6yo and he is BY FAR the most difficult of all my children in all ways possible