Adding another child to the family

[bec28]

Can we talk about the thoughts and feelings you had when you added another child to the family? Our second is due in February, and though I love this baby already, I'm having a really hard time getting over the fact that it is no longer going to be just the three of us (ds, dh and I). Logically, I know that ds will be better off for having a sibling in the long run, but I'm worried about the adjusting he's (who am I kidding? me too!) going to have to do when the baby is here. He's no longer going to have my full attention. He's not going to be my only anymore :(

Some of the quotes running up at the top of the page have been really helpful and comforting to me but I'd like to hear more :) I know I'm really going to have to work through this and be ok with it. I feel like if I don't do it before I go into labor, it's really going to hinder things. So I'd like to know what your feelings were before new baby was here, and then how things changed after baby was born. The good, the bad and the ugly :)

[SweetCaroline]

aww...:hugs.. i know exactly what you're feeling..its like a mourning almost

its ok to feel that way. its also really normal.

all i can really say is that this new baby will add another deminsion of depth to your relationship with your first child- its so cool to ba able to give them that experience, and watch them grow into a big brother/sister. its also really cool to enjoy the new baby *with* your child

does that make sense?

[Mommainrwanda]

all i can really say is that this new baby will add another deminsion of depth to your relationship with your first child- its so cool to ba able to give them that experience, and watch them grow into a big brother/sister. its also really cool to enjoy the new baby *with* your child.

Wow, thanks for explaining it that way. :heart I love experiencing things with the Urchin and that thought is really going to help me when #2 comes along.

OP, thanks for starting this thread. We're probably a year or so out from getting pregnant, but I already spend a lot of time thinking about what it'll be like to add another little person. My pastor's wife told me that adding children to your family is one of the most incredible experiences because it gives you a glimpse of understanding into the mystery of how God can love each one of us individually. I love pondering that thought. :heart

[bec28]

all i can really say is that this new baby will add another deminsion of depth to your relationship with your first child- its so cool to ba able to give them that experience, and watch them grow into a big brother/sister. its also really cool to enjoy the new baby *with* your child

does that make sense?

Yes, makes sense, though it's hard to really imagine right now :) I think ds will be a great big brother. It'll just be a new experience for both of us.

Wow, thanks for explaining it that way. :heart I love experiencing things with the Urchin and that thought is really going to help me when #2 comes along.

OP, thanks for starting this thread. We're probably a year or so out from getting pregnant, but I already spend a lot of time thinking about what it'll be like to add another little person. My pastor's wife told me that adding children to your family is one of the most incredible experiences because it gives you a glimpse of understanding into the mystery of how God can love each one of us individually. I love pondering that thought. :heart

Yes, one of the most helpful quotes from the top of the screen, is the one about how you don't need to share the love you have with your kids. That it's like you get new love with each child. It's not that your love for one child grows smaller so that you have some to give to the new baby. Or something like that :) I totally can't remember that quote right now :lol

[BriansLovie]

I felt the same way as you before DS2 was born. I mourned the loss of onliness with DS1. And DS1 did have a hard time adjusting to DS2. It actually took a few years, but they are the best buds now at 5 and 3 :yes I have a small worry that DS2 will be put out by this baby, just a small worry. But he does love the baby already in my belly, telling him he loves him and hugs and kisses him, and that is something that DS1 never did to DS2, and DS1 does not even do that to my belly now. But this time around, I feel everything will be fine. I dont really mourn the loss of having the two boys to myself, its just like we are adding more to the fun :yes

[SweetCaroline]

wanted to add also: that every time theres a new baby in our family its not like "ME" having a baby- its really like "WE" having a baby

except im the only one taking care of it ;)

[Little Forest]

Mommy5 explained well.

It will seem a lot more natural to you once it happens, I think. And it is a lot less of an adjustment going from 1 to 2 than going from 0 to 1.
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[natural_mama]

^^ and less of an adjustment again going from 2 to 3 I'm finding :)

I was excited about having another baby right up until I got the positive preg test then I immediately panicked :lol kinda too late but oh well! I was sure I couldn't love the new baby as much as I loved DS1 and then I felt guilty for having another baby and I couldn't bond with my bump, I made it a very loooong 9 months :yes Turns out that my heart stretched and grew from the second I saw him and in fact I had more love for DS1 too. It was an amazing feeling and I think the most profound feeling I remember was how incredibly privileged I was to be able to experience it. This time round I haven't bothered to worry at all lol I can't wait to feel that overwhelming love again and while I'm curious to see how DS2 copes (DS1 was brilliant with DS2 but DS2 is a different kettle of fish ;)) I have no concerns at all. Oh and me and bump have bonded beautifully!

[MercyInDisguise]

And it is a lot less of an adjustment going from 1 to 2 than going from 0 to 1.

I'm so glad you said this. I had a really rough adjustment after C was born. I loved him so much and of course was happy to have him, but the total overhaul of EVERYTHING in my life was super difficult. DH and I were crazy before C came along... we'd go to Taco Bell at 2am at least once a week, etc... things you just can't do after having a baby. I am always hearing people talk about how difficult it is to go from 1-2... I'm glad to hear that someone thinks otherwise. :phew

[bec28]

^^ and less of an adjustment again going from 2 to 3 I'm finding :)

I was excited about having another baby right up until I got the positive preg test then I immediately panicked :lol kinda too late but oh well! I was sure I couldn't love the new baby as much as I loved DS1 and then I felt guilty for having another baby and I couldn't bond with my bump, I made it a very loooong 9 months :yes Turns out that my heart stretched and grew from the second I saw him and in fact I had more love for DS1 too. It was an amazing feeling and I think the most profound feeling I remember was how incredibly privileged I was to be able to experience it. This time round I haven't bothered to worry at all lol I can't wait to feel that overwhelming love again and while I'm curious to see how DS2 copes (DS1 was brilliant with DS2 but DS2 is a different kettle of fish ;)) I have no concerns at all. Oh and me and bump have bonded beautifully!

Thank you :heart You explained pretty much how I feel, better then I did I think :) It really helped to hear how your love grew after the baby was born :heart I hope I experience the same thing :)

I'm so glad you said this. I had a really rough adjustment after C was born. I loved him so much and of course was happy to have him, but the total overhaul of EVERYTHING in my life was super difficult. DH and I were crazy before C came along... we'd go to Taco Bell at 2am at least once a week, etc... things you just can't do after having a baby. I am always hearing people talk about how difficult it is to go from 1-2... I'm glad to hear that someone thinks otherwise. :phew

See, I'm a little nervous, because it really wasn't too hard for me to go from 0-1. So I'm expecting it to be a harder adjustment with this new baby. I guess we'll have to wait and see how things go.

[GraemesMomma]

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who felt this way! I mourned for months from baby 1-2. Not so much 2-3 but still a bit. You'll be surprised at how much love just opens up from within you. It just adds to the love you already have. <3 The hormones God gave us during birth are amazing. Use that time in labor to connect with your new little one. Your relationship with him/her is a separate, unique entity, as big and loving as your relationship with your first :)

[JenLovie]

I really appreciate this thread as it's something I've been thinking about today since #2 will be joining us next week. It's really surreal to think that on Christmas we'll be a family of 4, not 3.

[BlueWaterAnnie]

Reading with interest....we are in the process of adopting #2. And, different from birth, we don't have a "due date." We could get the call tomorrow or in a year or anything in between.

We could grow our family in a matter of days....or years. It's not up to us.

But I am having the same feelings, I almost feel like wanting and loving another baby is cheating on DD1, a betrayal!

In addition, we are dealing with how to explain this to DD!, at 32 months. We don't want to build up "you are getting a sibling" in case it takes a long time. But we want her to be prepared if it happens fast!

Also, with adoption, until the birth mother is sure (different amount of time per state) we won't know if the baby is coming home with us or not. I have no idea how to explain to an almost 3 year old "this MIGHT be your sibling."

[bec28]

Wow Annie, that sounds really difficult :hug It's hard enough having a due date and knowing how much longer we have before our family changes. I can't imagine not really having any idea as to when such a big change might happen. :pray4 you and your family :heart

[PrincessAnika]

have you seen this thread? http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=405843

[bec28]

No, I hadn't seen that. Thanks for linking! :heart

[WingsOfTheMorning]

I actually learned a lot reading LLL's book Adventures in Tandem Nursing. It describes how it's normal to feel the relationship with your older child cool a little bit while bonding with the new baby. It helped me soooo much to know that was normal and that everything would even out eventually.

I also felt resentful toward the baby sometimes b/c how things weren't so simple with my older DD now. Nursing while pg and tandem nursing were not pleasant for me, and that was hard to accept. :cry:cry

All that to say, just know that yes, your heart will have enough love for everyone, but that doesn't mean you won't feel some complicated emotions while everyone is adjusting. :hug2

[JuicyMoosey]

We went from one to two four weeks ago. I feel guilty that dd1 hasn't got my full attention anymore, and I feel guilty that dd2 will never have my full attention. Sometimes I get sad that it wil lnever again be just the two of us...and sometimes I get sad that I will do all the same baby/toddler things again, but with a different child, which seems somehow disloyal to dd1. Silly, but how I feel.

However..I am an only child. And I know in my heart of hearts that I am giving dd1, but also both my daughters, something I have never had, that I have envied in others my whole life. Which kind of overrides the emotions of the here and now.

[GraemesMomma]

I liked Adventures in Tandem Nursing, too. If you're planning on doing that, I'd be happy to loan you my copy via media mail - you can PM me:)

[Leslie_JJKs_mom]

I remember folding newborn clothes when I was pregnant with DD and scared that I did not feel the excitement I did when pregnant with DS. I was kinda eh about the thoughts of having a baby towards the end of my pregnancy and that scared me that I would not love her like I did my DS. Let me assure you I fell head over heals in love with her while bonding in the hospital.

[zak]

I PM'd you. :heart


I had very big feelings about adding number two. I thought I was a freak. Or some weirdo overbearing crazy person. :no Most Moms adding #2 feel this way. :heart THAT was very reassuring in itself!! :hug

[natural_mama]

I remember folding newborn clothes when I was pregnant with DD and scared that I did not feel the excitement I did when pregnant with DS. I was kinda eh about the thoughts of having a baby towards the end of my pregnancy...

LOL! I am so not excited about #3 arriving - it actually amuses me but I think thats because I worked through alot with DS2. I'm quietly happy about our growing family and I have full confidence that it will all fall into place once baby arrives but I haven't gone shopping, or thought about the babies room (not that baby will have their own room for awhile but y'know setting the basics up), I haven't sorted through any of the clothes I have packed away either. I just can't be bothered, there'll be enough time for that later. I think if it was my second baby I'd probably be totally panicking right now at how blase I am lol but as it is I recognise that how I feel about/during my pregnancy is no reflection on how much I love the baby. DS2 taught me that.

Also to the OP - I didn't have even the teeniest tiniest problem adjusting to having my first baby, it was a total breeze and within hours I felt like I'd never had a life without him, yet it was exactly the same with my second baby. The extra stuff like DS1 with severe GERD, lactose intolerance, etc and DS2 with the *constant* feeding and wanting to be attached to me - that took some getting sorted lol but them as little people, they just completed a little more of my heart every day :heart In my experience the people who have struggled the most with going from 1 to 2 are the people who go into #2 expecting a similar experience to #1. If you determine that you are as new to parenting with #2 as you were with #1 and learn about your new baby as a total individual then you may find the adjustment is barely an adjustment at all.

[Daria_Aleksandrovna]

I did cry buckets too - grief at losing special one-one dynamics. Weird grief :)

And to be honest, my ds1 did have much much less one-one thing than before. And daddy had to deal with him at bedtime when he wanted only me while I was swinging colicky baby. So it wasn't all roses and happy rainbows. DS1 was on way to being very early reader then I found I really couldn't sit down a lot with him.

But did Ds1 suffer? If he did, that was very hard to notice. He was better at playing by himself and I think he understood that he had to wait sometimes (although I never said 'sorry, I am busy placating baby!'), but he was still totally sweet to the baby and we still spent a lot of time outside. I missed cuddling him without baby inbetween us, but even with baby in sling I could still cuddle him lots. So overall I didn't feel everything was worse off, more half-*d of what used to be. You still get to carve out special times.

Then I realised it's just colicky newborn months! Things are more normal and we are a bit more like a trio. I think my DS1 has enough me to talk to, but I still feel guilty sometimes at not doing as much educational stuff.