Raising children you actually want to spend time with [Archive]

jmom1984

12-07-2011, 11:03 PM

That is absolutely my goal. I don't know specifically what I am doing to get there, but it is the ideal. Since discovering GCM and gentle discipline, my relationship with my girls has already started improving. We have our moments, certainly, and DD1 is a child that is just NOT going to be "easy", so I know I have my work cut out for me. But I already know that I don't want my children's growing up years to be something I just try to survive or make it through without anyone dying :giggle, but rather be something we all enjoy! That's what I love about GD. It allows the parent to be the parent, but still be friends with her children. I have always hear elsewhere that you can't be your child's friend, that it is you against them somehow, in a battle of wills. But I know I have read around here that you CAN be friends. Allies. I want to be my child's strongest supporter. And even during their teen years, I want them to still feel like I am on their side. And I want them to be people, at whatever age, that I want to be with. Currently, they still are. :) It has helped reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, and learning to attribute positive intent and see their behavior as childlike behavior, and conflict as an opportunity to teach instead of viewing their behavior that I dislike as being something "bad" or "wrong" with them, kwim?

I don't have any help to offer, but :cup, wanting to see what wisdom is posted here!

mountainash

12-07-2011, 11:59 PM

Having a connected family unit is hugely important to me. When I'm having trouble enjoying my kids, I make a point to inform myself of age appropriate behavior, be more pro-active about establishing/enforcing boundaries, and spending one-on-one quality time with them individually.

BlissfullyEsther

12-08-2011, 12:14 AM

This definitely became a goal of mine when people would respond to my intention to homeschool with "oh, i couldn't stand to be around my children, I'm so glad to send them to school, I wish school started at birth, etc"

Those comments made me determined to ensure I raised my children to be people I would actually want to be around. I do that via GBD, being aware of age appropriate behaviours (so they don't freak me out, lol), and mostly just through my heart attitude towards them. The stickies here on GCM have helped me to gain perspective through those trying ages where I wonder if I'm achieving that started goal or the opposite. ;)

I like Jessica's comment about being their allies. I think I'll use that the next time I need to defend myself against accusations of "trying too hard to be my child's friend".

emmalouise

12-08-2011, 05:16 AM

How??? Somebody please tell me how to do this. Right now I seem to be raising kids who mirror and mimic all the behaviors I most dislike about myself. Gah.

Allison

12-08-2011, 05:34 AM

I don't think I've ever really thought of that as a specific goal, but I like that.

I really enjoy my oldest two children. There was a time when I didn't. I still don't like my youngest all the time. I find children between 2-7 to be annoying and a whole lot of work. :shrug3

The work is totally worth it, though. Or rather, if my children are any indicator, it is. :lol

cbmk4

12-08-2011, 06:00 AM

This most certainly is a high priority for dh and me. We work towards that goal now by doing things with our kids to purposely build connections. Family outings, game nights, dinner together just about every night, date nights, snuggles on the couch, staying up past our bedtimes just to be with our night owl teens--all those things we do because we love to be with our kids.

Dh jokes every now and then that he's banking points with the kids as his insurance for never having to go to a nursing home when he's old. The part that is no joke is that we hope we are building love and acceptance among us all so that the kids look forward to coming to visit us and their siblings when they are all adults.

It's challenging to be proactive with teaching the kids and not just reacting to control behavior, but that's our goal.

Domina

12-08-2011, 06:06 AM

:cup

Mama Rophe

12-08-2011, 06:09 AM

This has become a very high priority for us also. Both dh and I have come to the conclusion that the biggest issue is OUR own behavior. We have to model the behavior we want to see in our children. A lot of times that means apologizing when we mess up. We quote "The Golden Rule" a lot to each other and our kids.

Blue-EyedLady

12-08-2011, 09:54 AM

Summary of tips thus far (snipping quotes rather than c/p because I'm lazy like that :lol):

I want to be my child's strongest supporter. And even during their teen years, I want them to still feel like I am on their side.

It has helped reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, and learning to attribute positive intent and see their behavior as childlike behavior, and conflict as an opportunity to teach instead of viewing their behavior that I dislike as being something "bad" or "wrong" with them, kwim?

When I'm having trouble enjoying my kids, I make a point to inform myself of age appropriate behavior, be more pro-active about establishing/enforcing boundaries, and spending one-on-one quality time with them individually.

We work towards that goal now by doing things with our kids to purposely build connections. Family outings, game nights, dinner together just about every night, date nights, snuggles on the couch, staying up past our bedtimes just to be with our night owl teens--all those things we do because we love to be with our kids.

It's challenging to be proactive with teaching the kids and not just reacting to control behavior, but that's our goal.

We have to model the behavior we want to see in our children. A lot of times that means apologizing when we mess up. We quote "The Golden Rule" a lot to each other and our kids.

Keep 'em coming!

ArmsOfLove

12-08-2011, 09:56 AM

when you add special needs into the mix it just changes how you work towards that goal and how long it takes to get there. I can assure you that my child with autism was not someone I always wanted to be around as a toddler/young child. Most days I was exhausted when I woke up ;) Now, at 14, he's awesome and I enjoy hanging out with him :heart

I think it's so important to remember that goals are things we're working *towards*--not things we can expect to already have achieved.

:hug

tazmom

12-08-2011, 10:03 AM

I'm enjoying my kids a lot more lately. Partly because I've learned to relax a lot more, partly because we're moving out of the multiple babies stage, partly because I pay attention to when I'm seeing the negative parts of myself and try to correct my behavior, partly because I made it a priority recently to be more than "Mommy" and am working on finding my new identity and growing in it.

believer

12-08-2011, 10:30 AM

Raising children you actually want to spend time with

Both dh and I have come to the conclusion that the biggest issue is OUR own behavior. We have to model the behavior we want to see in our children. A lot of times that means apologizing when we mess up. We quote "The Golden Rule" a lot to each other and our kids.
I think that this is majorly important. We have to want to be with our children. We cannot necessarily change them, but we can change ourselves. We can change our reactions, what we do and how we look at our children, and, for me, as a teacher, all children.

I have been thinking about this statement from a teacher point of view because I substitute teach in two school districts. I spend time with a wide variety of children - from kindergarten through seniors in high school and from a wide variety of cultural and economic backgrounds. I can't change them so that they are people who I want to spend time with. They are what they are and I may only spend an hour with them. It is up to me to want to spend time with them. It is up to me to value them as people and to let them know in the short time that I have with them that I like them and I see them as valuable people who are capable of learning and that I believe that they can and will learn. And honestly, there are some kids that I just don't like. They are rude and/or obnoxious and present themselves as being unlikable. I have to get past that quickly. I don't always succeed. I have to pray a lot.

I am not sure where I am going with that, but this thread title made me think about that today.

We work towards that goal now by doing things with our kids to purposely build connections. Family outings, game nights, dinner together just about every night, date nights, snuggles on the couch, staying up past our bedtimes just to be with our night owl teens--all those things we do because we love to be with our kids.

I think that sounds like good things to do.

saturnfire16

12-08-2011, 10:44 AM

How??? Somebody please tell me how to do this. Right now I seem to be raising kids who mirror and mimic all the behaviors I most dislike about myself. Gah.

Good friends can be honest about each other's faults and if we respond to it well, the feedback can help us change. :hug

I genuinely enjoy my children's company. :yes They have actually been playing so well together lately that over the last few days I realized I miss them even though I am here with them all day! So I spent some time coloring with them this morning and this afternoon I'm going to take them individually on a "date" to the dollar store to spend their money.

It's one thing I love about unschooling and the subsequent lifestyle we've chosen. When I am focusing on working together, there is nothing to fight about, and each difference of opinion brings us closer together as we find solutions, rather than driving us apart. :heart

It doesn't mean none of us ever have a bad day, but overall, we just get along really well.

ETA: I should add that it ebbs and flows too. When E was 4.5..... she was not so likeable. :no When she was 2, *I* was not a very likeable person. :blush But my dh was very graceful to me and I try to be graceful to them when they go through certain stages.

Blue-EyedLady

12-08-2011, 10:49 AM

MercyInDisguise

12-08-2011, 11:16 AM

At our area LLL conference this past May, Marian Tompson did a keynote speech on something titled similarly to this thread. One of the things she really emphasized was not sweating the small stuff, i.e., picking your battles. She told a story about how they were the "poor family" in their church when her kids were growing up, so whenever a family in the church got a new mattress, the old ones went to her family. Her kids didn't have beds, and they just slept on mattresses on the floor. Each time one of her other kids got a "new to them" mattress from someone else, one of her sons would take their old one and pile it on top of his old one. Before she knew it, he had stacked 6 mattresses up, and he told her it was because he wanted to be able to see out the window. A friend came over one day and told Marian, "I would never allow that in my home." She just emphasized how that wasn't something important... it wouldn't matter in 15 years, it wasn't morally wrong, and no one was getting hurt. That has stuck with me when C wants to make a mess in the kitchen or something.

rjy9343

12-09-2011, 08:59 AM

Subbing. I really want to like and enjoy my daughter and any others I have in the future.

katiekind

12-09-2011, 09:22 AM

I think that you must recognize that your children are growing up to be individuals, which means you're going to need to be open to the ways they are different from you. If you only like a narrow range of people, there's a chance you might not like your kids when they grow up.

But chances are good that if you have invested in a warm relationship when they are young, and value your children as their own unique individual selves and do not expect them to be clones of yourself, I see no reason why you wouldn't like your kids when they are grown up.

joysworld

12-09-2011, 09:26 AM

I've never really thought of having that as a goal, but it's a great one! I've just focused on helping my children to be positive contributors to society. The goal in the OP is much more specific:)

cbmk4

12-09-2011, 11:53 AM

But chances are good that if you have invested in a warm relationship when they are young, and value your children as their own unique individual selves and do not expect them to be clones of yourself, I see no reason why you wouldn't like your kids when they are grown up.

I was trying to think of how to say something similar; thank you Katiekind!

Learning to love my children unconditionally and with grace, even when they still have so much growing and learning to do, helps me now and in the future. Seeing them as God sees them means that they don't have to turn out the way as only I envisioned; I can help them grow and become the people that God has envisioned. I can love them for being them, not for who I wish they would be.

Heather Micaela

12-09-2011, 12:18 PM

This was my grandmother's desire and the desire of my mother. It is my desire as well.

My mother and grandmother pretty much succeeded, and there are days even now that I just really enjoy my time with my kids as people whose personality and opinions I enjoy.

I have done this by fostering standards in communication and by letting them be uniquely them. And we are a long way from there and I have SN kids, but I think we are on the right path :heart

Blue-EyedLady

12-09-2011, 01:57 PM

Phooey - I forgot that the new board won't quote the quote from a previous post. I was just going to quote my first summary post and add on to it. Oh well. Here is the summary since my last summary post. :lol

I think it's so important to remember that goals are things we're working *towards*--not things we can expect to already have achieved.

I've learned to relax a lot more... I pay attention to when I'm seeing the negative parts of myself and try to correct my behavior...I made it a priority recently to be more than "Mommy" and am working on finding my new identity and growing in it.

not sweating the small stuff, i.e., picking your battles... it wouldn't matter in 15 years, it wasn't morally wrong, and no one was getting hurt.

But chances are good that if you have invested in a warm relationship when they are young, and value your children as their own unique individual selves and do not expect them to be clones of yourself, I see no reason why you wouldn't like your kids when they are grown up.

I have done this by fostering standards in communication and by letting them be uniquely them.

---------- Post added at 01:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:55 PM ----------

Oh, and I want to emphasize that I'm not asking so much "How can I force my child to become the type of person I prefer to hang out with?" but more of "How can I help my child to become a likeable kind of person that people enjoy being with?" :yes

momyshaver

12-09-2011, 03:02 PM

I really enjoyed reading the responses here. I love GCM :heart:nak2

klpmommy

12-09-2011, 03:16 PM

Blue-EyedLady

12-09-2011, 03:18 PM

Yeah, it's easy to like the baby when he just lights up at the sight of me. :melting SN preschooler? Not so much...

dukeofhazzard

12-09-2011, 03:53 PM

I have, from a young age, very deliberately worked with them on wit and sarcasm :giggle. I want them to *get* my jokes, you know? ... because it's allll about meeeee... :shifty

Heather Micaela

12-09-2011, 05:27 PM

I have, from a young age, very deliberately worked with them on wit and sarcasm :giggle. I want them to *get* my jokes, you know? ... because it's allll about meeeee... :shifty
totaly:giggle

schmamy

12-09-2011, 06:11 PM

:cup I really want to come back to this - have some thoughts but not time to try and articulate them atm.

katiekind

12-09-2011, 06:53 PM

SN preschooler? Not so much...

:hugheart

There have been times when I didn't particularly "like" one or another of the children. Some stages are hard and sometimes a stage will combine with a personality trait and really pack a whammy. The maturing process will take the rough edges off--you'll see. :hug

hotnostril

12-15-2011, 11:47 AM

I enjoy every minute spent with my children, even when they're naughty. I think it helps to have realistic expectations and a willingness to help them learn and work through whatever issue is going on at the moment. I really enjoy fixing things, especially problems, the more challenging the better. So, I suppose I view mis-steps and mistakes as real opportunities for learning and growing.

---------- Post added at 01:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:45 PM ----------

I forgot one really important part. I feel I need to be a person they trust, respect and they want to be around. In my opinion, that's most important.

trish101

12-15-2011, 12:31 PM

For me, when I don't enjoy being around dd (4.5), it's usually because I need to work on my heart. It's easy for me to fall into the trap of focusing on the negative, or what I need to "work on" with both her and dh. If I stop, trust that God will guide me, and just look for the positives, I enjoy her a lot more. I think sometimes I get caught up in the details instead of simply loving both dd and dh. I can fixate on how she has strong reactions that drive me nuts, or I can be thankful for her passion. Last night when she said "No, I'm not going to be potty and you can't make me," I had to choose how to look at it- either as "she's defiant, why can't she just do what I tell her to" or "she's not going to struggle with peer pressure as much as I did." Sorry this is rambly- typing with a fever is impacting my thinking :-) I guess in summary, it's all about perspective for me.

CCmomma

12-20-2011, 05:39 AM

trish101-This exactly!!! My DD (3 1/2) has really been making me a little crazy lately. But, when I really look at the bigger picture it hasn't really been her fault. She isn't the one who chose to run around doing 5 more things then we should have, or kept herself up later then her regular bedtime, or forgot to snuggle up and read 10 books in a row.....that was me.

I find that when I am intentional about focusing on her, then she is much more likeable to me! And I would imagine vice versa!

Jodi

Blue-EyedLady

12-20-2011, 07:15 AM

I find that when I am intentional about focusing on her, then she is much more likeable to me! And I would imagine vice versa!

Jodi

To the bolded... :gulp You're probably right about that. I bet if I was the type of mom that snuggled up and read 10 books in a row, rather than the type of mom that constantly said "Go play, I'm working" we'd both be more likable people. :(

Aisling

12-20-2011, 07:28 AM

I want this, with the understanding/respect of my children's individual differences. The best, kindest, awesome, God-intended version of them might also not necessarily be someone I can ever handle in large doses in certain situations, and I'm really OK with that. :heart <<<Also, I try to keep in mind that this might not happen until they're 40. :giggle :shifty Most people's maturity is on a general arc that won't really peak and mature and grow to fruition until later in life; young adulthood is just part of that. :heart

---------- Post added at 02:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:26 PM ----------

This has become a very high priority for us also. Both dh and I have come to the conclusion that the biggest issue is OUR own behavior. We have to model the behavior we want to see in our children. A lot of times that means apologizing when we mess up. We quote "The Golden Rule" a lot to each other and our kids.

:amen

I can script and yak and redirect and "try again" until I'm blue in the face, but until I'm actually modeling the attitude I wish they'd have, it's pointless. :yes

CCmomma

12-20-2011, 07:51 AM

I can't even count how many times in the last few days (let alone weeks!) I have said hold on or later or go play for a while, I'm busy. I am sure that has not helped our situation at all. But I think we are all doing pretty good when we actually notice and start discussing how we can fix it. We have to remember that we need grace just as much (and sometimes more!) then the kiddos do!

Teacher Mom

12-20-2011, 07:54 AM

this has always been my goal. always. When I was growing up, our drilled-in-our-head motto was Do As I Say; Not As I Do. No room for individual personalities there, huh?

And consequently non of us kids want to spend time with our parents. We all became adults and went away.

I have drilled in my kids how much I love them and support them. Like HM said, I want and I AM their biggest cheerleaders and support team! I mean, my husband AND I. :giggle

And like MRophe said, there is and always has been a lot of apologizing around here based on the Golden Rule. I am not perfect in any way shape or form. When I have messed up with my kids or in my kids eyes, I apologize.

That act alone has given my kids the confidence to apologize for their actions when they have flipped out too. We all have good and bad days. But it's how we all react to one another in those moments that helps to define us. Do we hold a grudge against our kids when they have done wrong? Or do we openly forgive them when they come to us? I have created that environment of acceptance.

I hope that me and my children will always get along. I love them. They are not just children to be sent to another room. They are my children. They are of my flesh and blood. Why would I want to be rude to a part of myself. I want to encourage them to be all that God wants from them. I want them to feel confidence that God is on their side and has a specific life waiting for them even if we all don't know what that is yet.

Yep, this has always been my goal!!!! I want my kids to bring my grandbabies around some day. I want us all to still be a loving family even when they have married and created their own new families :heart