help feeling connected to my 10 mo daughter

[mamado]

Hi ladies,

I am completely new to this forum so please forgive any posting mistakes, non abbreviations and faux pas.

I have a 10 month old daughter that I am home with full time. We never fully established breastfeeding in the beginning and I pumped and fed her my milk exclusively for the first 7 months. I feel total guilt and failure for not being able to have that bond with her from the beginning. I told myself that at least she was getting breast milk, which is true and good for her, but deep down I just hated it.

Months have flown by and she is so sweet but I have been feeling like I missed out on connecting with in a way that shows that sweet motherly bond and have now see some results of not being attached to me.

She rarely calls out for me or misses me when gone, the only times are on Sundays when she goes into the nursery at church and Monday nights when I work for 5 hours and daddy puts her to bed.

She does not like to held too long, she likes to play and explore all the time and when I hold her (or daddy does) she likes to face out, not face in. Part of it is this stage, I know, but I just don't want to keep making excuses for why we aren't deeply attached. I really would like to have our bond grow deep now before it is too late and she become so independent without needing me at all.

What I have been trying to do is make myself completely available to her, play with her, hold her more, only I feed her, it is not like I was not doing those things before but now I have become really intentional to make all my time with her count towards building that strong bond. I joke with friends that she doesn't know who her mother is but now am fearing that might be true...in a small way. I

Do you ladies have any advice or have you experienced anything similar?

Thanks!!

[Aerynne]

First of all, welcome to GCM. :) :hug

All the stuff you describe sounds very much like a typical 10 month old. And it sounds like what you're doing is just right- trying to be there for her and with her as much as you can. Not forcing her, but just being very available is great. She has lots of years of neediness ahead of her, and if you don't feel bonded to her now, you can definitely nurture that bond as months and years go by. I don't think you need to worry (but I understand it's hard not to). :hug2

[canadiyank]

Welcome! I know when I felt unconnected it was b/c I had PPD. Your post doesn't show any of that, I don't think but I was just wondering if that might be a factor? :hug

[GlobalMama]

Oh sweetheart :hug You did the best thing for her by ensuring that she received your milk. So, try your hardest not give yourself a hard time about that. Guilt makes a sane person go off the deep end :hug

As far as your daughter's behavior, having a special bond with an infant looks different. It's not all fairy tale lovey-dovey with you holding her and her looking up lovingly at you. If this were true, then DS and I are as bonded as oil and water. The small man is just to busy. If I get a kiss it seriously feels like a miracle. :) But are we bonded? You betcha. He loves Mama. He loves me enough to explore his space, to explore the world, to have little fear as long as I'm there. He looks back at me sometimes before trying something new and those little glances are what lets me know that he really does love and trust me. The fact that he knows that I'll keep him safe and that he can say, try and go head first into the pond *sigh*, because he knows I'm right there. That's love. That's bonding.

It looks different for every mama-baby pair. At the age your daughter is, she's probably just exploring and realizing that she can begin to do things on her own. And as far as her not being hysterical when you leave? No biggie. She knows that Mama will always come back, so why get upset? That's probably her thinking. That and, "WOW NEW! DIFFERENT! WEEEEEEEEE!"

You're doing a great job. Just because your child doesn't cling to you like saran doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. :hug


Oh and PS, has she fallen on her head yet? Busted a lip? Bitten through something hard? You know, the real big tears moments when there is a bruise or blood with tears and snot and everything? Who does she go for? If she doesn't want anything to do with you when the "world is ending" (toddler style), then I'd be concerned. But my bet is that she wants Mama's loving when the world hurts. That's a bond.

[kiloyd]

:hugheart

Sounds like you are doing great. Does she smile when she sees you? or when you play with her?

Some babies just don't have the "must be in sight of Mommy all the time!" phase.

Does she like to be carried on your back?

Good for you for giving her your milk for 7 months! :) That's great!

I agree, just be available to her, don't force interaction/holding when she doesn't want it. But play with her, talk to her, sing to her.

[mamado]

No PPD.

[staceylayne]

First, :hugheart and welcome to the boards! I know you will find so much support and encouragement here!

I'm sorry you are feeling so discouraged about your bond with your daughter. You obviously care deeply about her. I have a 10 month old as well (and an outdated signature...I'll get on that :doh) and she is extremely busy lately. She wants to see and do and touch everything, always crawling, pulling up, doing a little cruising to see if she can find little toys the bigs left out to stick in her mouth before I catch her. :giggle

I've never pumped exclusively, but the little pumping I did I hated...so I totally don't blame you for not enjoying it. It is truly doing the double the work of formula or breastfeeding. You did a great job keeping that routine up for seven months! I'm so sorry breastfeeding didn't work out...I know that can be so discouraging when you have your heart set on it. :( But BFing is NOT the end-all-be-all of mother/baby bonding. YOU have been there, caring for her, holding her, feeding, bathing and snuggling her from the beginning. She knows her mama. :yes

Some babies are naturally more independent (my D) than others (my C). They may be happy as a clam as long as there are new things to look at and someone to pay attention to them. It does not at all mean you have done anything wrong. You can look at is as an indication that she feels secure and safe...you've done a good job meeting her needs and she has no reason to fear otherwise.

I promise, promise, PROMISE she will need you for a LOT longer. It will be years yet before she can get herself dressed or wipe her own bottom. It will be even more years of you coming along side her to help her process and learn to deal with her emotions in healthy ways. You being available to her when she indicates a need is what AP is all about!

I'm rambling and thinking this is probably not incredibly helpful, but I hope and :pray4 you will not continue to feel so discouraged. I know other mamas here will have great thoughts and advice.

And again, welcome!!

[everydaygrace]

What a hard thing to feel. I have to agree with the other mamas and say it sounds normal to me. I have a wonderfully attached, but staunchly independent 18-mo old. He still doesn't say mama, except now and then. He pushes me away when daddy is holding him. He runs faaaaaar away and doesnt look back. What you described sounds very much like he was at 10 months. Attachment doesnt always look like what we think it should, and that's okay. I have noticed that many of the thingd that adults might typically consider signs of attachment didn't show up until ds was well over a year. He just nursed. He didn't snuggle. He didn't kiss me or give me hugs. All of his attachment appeared to be to the boob. but a few months ago, all those little signs started showing up. They will for you too. Just give it time.

[mamado]

Ladies, I am so overwhelmed with your encouragement and insight. First, I did not know this was such a strong subject for me, for as I read all of your words I started to well up with tears. My reaction was so deep and unexpected I understand now that my fears were working me over and I just needed some friendly reassurance. Boy, am I glad that I reached out the right group! Instead of leaving me hanging, you all stepped into my heart tonight and gave me a virtual hug that I so desperately needed. So thank you so much for all the encouraging words.
I feel attached to my daughter, I love her so much, I look at her and see a piece of me. I wonder how one day she will be able to live in this world without me, make her own plans and live her own life?? It will be like my arm just decided to detach from my body and move in it's own apartment and live it's own one armed life.
My fears were resting in the fact that she was not showing signs of attaching to me.
Seriously how can I ever explain that your words were what I needed to hear and let me know that there are stages in which she will need me more and different types of personalities, even at this age.
Again, wow is all I can say. Thank you.

[sweetpeasmommy]

:heart

[SuperDudesMama]

Also, at least in my experience, sometimes outward displays of attachment go through phases. With my ds, he will want only daddy for a while, and then go through a major "I can do everything on my own" period (the equivalent of the exploratory stages as an infant), and then he will come back again and just want non-stop snuggling from me. Sometimes these phases for us would last hours, weeks or longer. I echo above posters in saying that one sign of healthy attachment is that she feels she can be more "independent" and knows you are still there for her. It sounds like you are doing everything right to foster a healthy attachment between the two of you, and I would venture to guess that she feels more attached to you than you think right now (mommy guilt can be so hard :hugheart)

[GlobalMama]

Glad you are feeling better and get used to the great advice. GCM is amazing! Welcome Mama. :)

[Katigre]

What if you establish a special daily ritual between the two of you? That might help you to feel more bonded to her :yes, especially as she goes through this very active phase of near-toddler exploration.

In our family taking a bath/shower together is very bonding with babies b/c of being skin to skin and the fun of splashing in the water together.

[marbles]

I don't know your sleeping arrangements, but Lucca is a pretty independent little person, she's always preferred carries where she can see the world, she is much like everydaygrace described. I also had bfing troubles, and though I was able to I had to use a nipple shield for 4 months and that made bfing really difficult and then it was difficult again when I got pregnant 5 months later. Co-sleeping really helped me to feel attached to her. Even the times she doesn't want me during the day, she needs and wants me at night. Those sleepy snuggles fix everything!
I wouldn't worry about your daughter's attachment to you unless she actively rejects you. Preferring to explore, or even preferring daddy over mommy isn't a problem. Lucca usually would prefer to be with daddy, or Papo or Mimi because those are people she's not with 24/7 and they're fun and exciting and she loves them. It doesn't mean she loves me any less. It's like vacation.

[luvinmama]

Oh mama! I can sympathize. Dd and I did not start off well with b/fing either-long story-essentially I had medical complications that prohibited BM production. Anyway, I was so scared dd wouldn't attach well, etc. And I still struggle with shame and guilt for not being able to do more in that area. But, wow, dd and I are so close and attached in other ways--as I'm sure you're learning too with your dd. I'm so sorry you're struggling, and am glad you're here. This is an encouraging place to be. :hugheart

[mamado]

I like the ritual every day. I will have to find something special for the two of us!

[RainbowMummy]

*Hugs* I love the sound of making a ritual!
I suffered post traumatic stress disorder after my first bubs birth & we didn't bond well & struggled to breastfeed because of it. A group called Birthtalk really helped me to work through things & one of the big things they suggest to build up a bond is achieving things together. With little bubs you can lie them near the foot of a bed & get them to push against you hands & keep moving up the bed till you reach the top & then cheer. The idea is to work toward a goal together & achieve it with a togetherness/team work attitude. So with older kids you might set a goal of building a block tower to a set height & then work at it together & then big hugs & cheers when you achieve it. By physically achieving goals together it can help to erase nagging feelings like 'I didn't breastfeed how I'd imagined I would.'
If you are anything like me you can know in your head that things turned out the way God planned but it can take a while for our emotions to catch up to that.
also, every child is different & your bub might love you in different ways than you expected but she still loves you in her owns ways you just might have to look for what those ways are. My 3rd bub has finally been the one to fulfill my unconscious expectation that babies play with their feet. :lol My eldest mostly loves me with gifts & telling me every single thing she thinks of, my 2nd loves me with snuggling & drawing me pictures & my 3rd snuggles right into my neck & just rests there.
having a ritual or just doing fun spontaneous things together that end up in giggles & laughter can give you what you need even if it's different to what you expected.

[Hope]

I just want to thank you for sharing your stories and struggles. We too were not able to bf in the way we were hoping to, and it is hard not to "blame" any issues that come up for us on that...even though many times they truly have nothing to do with that. It is heartbreaking, and for me was a grieving process. We have been able to still form a strong attachment, primarily through using cosleeping, snuggling, and even some unique things like inner relationship focusing. I will pray that your bond continues to grow, and based on your follow up post, it sounds like you are starting to realize you already have a strong one, despite the bf issues. Good for you for keeping your focus on that!

[Stiina]

so glad these posts spoke to you :heart welcome to gcm!!!!