Crying in the nursery...WWYD?

[Rea T]

I'm the nursery coordinator for our (small) church. We have 3 babies who just turned 1. Two of them do fantastic in the nursery. One of them does not, we'll call him S and his mom A.

A is a pretty attached mom. She does at least some baby wearing, and as of about a month or 2 ago commented that he still doesn't take a bottle. She has been at home with him most of the time since birth. S is pretty much a mama's boy. Totally happy and charming if she is right there with him, but she seriously cannot even head across the room without him crying and he's pretty much always been that way.

A is at the point where she would like to start leaving S in the nursery but it just is NOT working. At. All. I am fine with her trying, but I do not want him crying in the nursery for the whole time regardless of whether mom is ok with it or not.

Unfortunately, it seems like I am the only one not ok with this. Everyone else seems to think that A really needs this time to worship, connect in small group, etc. and that S needs to learn that nursery is a fun place to be. Last night I was filling in because our regular worker isn't there. After about 15 minutes of S crying pastor poked his head in and asked if I needed anything. I said yes, please get A. Well, I guess he went down and freaked out to his wife "S is falling apart! Should I pull A out of class?" So wife came up instead.

Now, I love wife and in most respects we are same mindset on parenting choices. I know that she is trying to help A. So she starts engaging S in play. He calms down some, but it is kind of a '1 minute of slight distraction from crying, 1 minute of crying' rotation for the rest of the time. Wife considers this a success.

I'm just not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, yes, he was able to be distracted, but it wasn't a consistent distraction. So from his standpoint, not a success. We've also got 2 other babies in there and you know how one crying can start a chain reaction sometimes, especially if they are tired. So from their standpoint, not a success. I'm also REALLY not ok with attempting this on a Sunday morning because if I were a visitor and saw we were letting a baby cry the whole time I would probably not take my child back to that nursery. And realistically, what if other parents want us to work with their kids to 'help them learn that nursery is fun'? We don't have the manpower to do one on one play with multiple upset children.

So my question is, what would you do as nursery coordinator if you knew you weren't going to be supported in a 'no cry' policy? Would you even attempt to implement it, or would you just step down? How would you approach it? I feel like if I try to implement a specific policy A is going to KNOW it is aimed at her because like I said, there's only 3 babies. And I feel like the push is 'well, A is not a Christian and is really seeking so we want to do everything to make that possible'. And I GET that, I really do, but I need to balance that with what is best for the nursery in general.

:help

[joystrength]

I know some churches will allow no one but parents and workers in to play with the kids, etc. (And I''m all for that policy!!)

BUT, what about having an older child/teen there to SPECIFICALLY play with S each week for a while? No dipe changes, etc., just to BE that distraction of interaction?

[SamRose]

bbl

[mamacat]

as coordinator if there is a no-cry policy then you can override the workers who are willing to do the crying thing? I would talk to the mom again and tell her about the no-crying policy and that not only is it difficult for her child but upsetting to the others and suggest that at that age it is common for the baby not to be ok with getting left in the nursery and there may need to be a season of one of the parents staying with him the whole time until he is adjusted to the people there and ok with staying there on his own.It is just like any other setting.When my grandson was younger he didnt see us a lot so when they would come to visit he was shy at first and didnt want his parents to go out w/o him.As he was here more and more he got to know us and feel ok about it

[houseforjoy]

First off what has the mom said? In our church there is a family with an attached mom, but sunday is pretty much her only time for her, so she will put her ds in nursery even though he will cry the whole entire time(actually he is just about 3 and does much better now, but it was over a year of crying). :( For us as nursery workers we just try and keep finding ways to make him happy. Sometimes bubbles work, sometimes snacks, sometimes books, and sometimes someone just walking the hallway with him.

I wouldn't want to make a policy necessarily if it is a new person to the church who would feel "attacked." If you aren't comfortable with it (which i TOTALLY get-- my blood pressure would sky rocket when i had to be with the crying all the time boy!!) then i would step down and let others deal with it. OR just ask if you can take a 6 months "sabbatical" or something.

[Rea T]

I know some churches will allow no one but parents and workers in to play with the kids, etc. (And I''m all for that policy!!)

BUT, what about having an older child/teen there to SPECIFICALLY play with S each week for a while? No dipe changes, etc., just to BE that distraction of interaction?

we do have safe place policies so yeah, I wouldn't let just anyone in (and pastor's wife has been through the training so I'm fine with her being in there, plus she is one of the most playful parents I know). We do have one teen who loves doing nursery and because she is a little mentally challenged it is much more enjoyable for her than sitting through a service she cannot comprehend. I have been pulling her in a lot lately because we needed the extra person and the babies love her. It would probably take a bit of training to put her with S, because her immediate response to crying is to pick them up whereas what S seems to need (other than mom) is to have someone play by him and distract him.

---------- Post added at 10:48 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:45 AM ----------

First off what has the mom said? In our church there is a family with an attached mom, but sunday is pretty much her only time for her, so she will put her ds in nursery even though he will cry the whole entire time(actually he is just about 3 and does much better now, but it was over a year of crying). :( For us as nursery workers we just try and keep finding ways to make him happy. Sometimes bubbles work, sometimes snacks, sometimes books, and sometimes someone just walking the hallway with him.

I wouldn't want to make a policy necessarily if it is a new person to the church who would feel "attacked." If you aren't comfortable with it (which i TOTALLY get-- my blood pressure would sky rocket when i had to be with the crying all the time boy!!) then i would step down and let others deal with it. OR just ask if you can take a 6 months "sabbatical" or something.

She's been coming for almost exactly a year so she isn't super new. She hasn't said a whole lot about it. I get the sense that she is really torn between wanting to be there if he is upset and just really, really wanting a break and for him to be ok with her leaving him.

[SamRose]

You said there are 3 babies (1 yo). Is that the total child count, or are there other kids in the nursery?

[Rea T]

It varies. Wednesday nights it is only those three babies. Sunday mornings it just really varies anywhere from just those 3 to I think the one week I went in to help out we had about 6...2 of the babies, and then 4 toddlers.

[kiloyd]

I think you should talk to the mom. Ask her what she wants and say you are willing to work with her but crying the whole time is tough.

Suggest she stay with him for 2-3 Sundays? Say you will try each time for about 20 min (whatever time frame works for you).

And say some babies just really need their mothers.

[mommylove]

Unfortunately, it seems like I am the only one not ok with this. Everyone else seems to think that A really needs this time to worship, connect in small group, etc. and that S needs to learn that nursery is a fun place to be.

Baby's needs trump mom's. Period. I guarantee that baby is NOT learning that nursery is fun. What a ridiculous notion under these circumstances.

If it were me, I would first have a discussion with the mom. If she wants to leave the baby crying the whole time, I would draw a hard line & refuse. I would be prepared to step down if it came to that. :shrug3

Hopefully, though, a middle ground could be met -- either a sibling in the room, rotating parents or family members. Have you tried babywearing? Also, if I were invested in the mom, I would suggest regular playdates so baby can become more familiar with me in mom's presence.

But no way would I condone an adult's selfishness at the expense of a baby. :duck

[Domina]

I'd probably watch the baby and give that poor woman a break. :duck That hour (or however long it is) might make all the difference in the world to her.

I'd try babywearing, bringing in a playmate, etc. before I'd make her feel her child wasn't welcome in the nursery.

[ThirstyTurtle]

I get the sense that she is really torn between wanting to be there if he is upset and just really, really wanting a break and for him to be ok with her leaving him.

Perhaps the mom is being told she NEEDS to leave the baby in the nursery and NEEDS a break.

[WanderingJuniper]

Baby's needs trump mom's. Period.


But no way would I condone an adult's selfishness at the expense of a baby. :duck
I won't throw rotten tomatoes or strawberries :giggleThey really look like strawberries to me. :shrug3 Anyway, this is harsh. Mom's can truly need a break in order to be the best mom they can be. Sometimes that break comes Sunday morning while their child is in nursery and not happy about it.

I'd talk to mom. See if she has any suggestions. What works at home when he gets upset?

I had more thoughts but my timer went off. I've got to run out the door.

[mommylove]

I won't throw rotten tomatoes or strawberries :giggleThey really look like strawberries to me. :shrug3 Anyway, this is harsh. Mom's can truly need a break in order to be the best mom they can be. Sometimes that break comes Sunday morning while their child is in nursery and not happy about it.

I'd talk to mom. See if she has any suggestions. What works at home when he gets upset?

I had more thoughts but my timer went off. I've got to run out the door.

I agree that moms need a break. Dad can step in, then. Leaving a crying child isn't the only answer. :no In fact, I gave several other options. :)

[Quiteria]

Haven't read all replies...

My 2 cents would be to talk with her directly and suggest that she take it a bit more slowly, but work on it with a goal in mind.

For us, it worked for me to be in the nursery regularly, until ds was willing to play there in my presence. First in my lap, then in the room venturing further off of me. I started wandering around the room, to pick up toys or read the Bible. I started excusing myself to go to the bathroom...AND CAME RIGHT BACK. When he started accepting my quick coming and going, then I was able to leave him for longer. I never sneaked away, either. It took a long time, but both he and his velcro brother are fine now with staying, and I daresay more fine than older sis who was left more at younger ages in a culture that encouraged me to do so more abruptly.

I'd work on promoting that kind of long term outlook with her, AND on helping with distraction...make sure needs are met for food and diapers, give him time to warm up to being in the room before she leaves, have an older child come to play, etc. Snacks might help give her a few more minutes.

[SamRose]

Ive worked in a few different nurseries, big & small churches, wide & narrow age ranges, and my ideals & opinions on how crying children are handled are bascially the same across the board. In general, if Im making policy, it'd be about like this:

All children are welcome in the nursery, even ones who might not want to be there at first, and workers will do all they can to make the kids comfortable being there.
Because hysterical children disrupt the entire nursery, and force one of the already limited workers into caring for the child one on one, children will need to be picked up if workers can't get them to at least start calming down after 5 minutes (or 10 if you prefer).

Now, when discussing very small churches or nurseries, you have more leway. In your specific siuation, you say mom wants to be able to leave the child, and pastor's wife is willing to help w/ the child to let mom be in class (so the nursery worker isnt stuck w/ no help 4 the other 2 kids while she deals w/ the sad one). I'd be ok w/ trying out that arrangement (if child wasnt hysterical) if mom says she really thinks the benefits to her spiritual & mental well being from that hour in class out weigh the child's detriment for being upset about being in nursery for an hour. If the child can be distracted enuf that he's just fussing, not screaming & stressed, I dont think it's horrible if mom really needs that time to get into His word w/ other believers.
And I say this as somebody who was the FIRST to call mom for a crying kid when I was working in the nursery, when others wanted to "keep trying to get him to stop", and as one who tells ppl to call me if my child cries at all. :yes
(not sure if mom has tried staying in there w/ him to make him comfy, but I was guessing she probably has, since U say she's been there a while)

[Rea T]

Ive worked in a few different nurseries, big & small churches, wide & narrow age ranges, and my ideals & opinions on how crying children are handled are bascially the same across the board. In general, if Im making policy, it'd be about like this:

All children are welcome in the nursery, even ones who might not want to be there at first, and workers will do all they can to make the kids comfortable being there.
Because hysterical children disrupt the entire nursery, and force one of the already limited workers into caring for the child one on one, children will need to be picked up if workers can't get them to at least start calming down after 5 minutes (or 10 if you prefer).


I like that.

Let's see...just addressing a few issues...

Having dad stay in the nursery isn't an option. I don't know all the details but he isn't cleared to work w/ children's ministry so I'm not sure I can have him stay in the nursery...I don't know the legal ins and outs of that. He's also not there on a regular basis lately anyway.

I think I'm going to suggest Quiteria's plan of coming and going, at least for Sunday mornings and then having her stay in there the rest of the time. I am more willing to work with it on Wednesday evenings when the numbers are smaller and there are no visitors. Plus, on Wednesdays pastor's wife can go in and help whereas she can't on Sundays. I'm sure she would be thrilled to forgo supervising teens doing kitchen clean-up in favor of playing with a baby!

[solatido]

Well if Mom can stay and isn't cleared, why can't Dad (when he is there)? I think having a parent there to smooth the transition can really help. Pretty soon the baby should be getting interested in the other kids and won't mind being left.

[mommymidwife]

With my first baby, I was convinced I "needed" to let him cry it out and "get used to it". After I read some books by Dr. Sears, my eyes were opened and I felt SO HORRIBLE. My first was a high needs baby, but I still feel awful for the way I handled things. I think you've gotten some great ideas in this thread.

[Rea T]

Well if Mom can stay and isn't cleared, why can't Dad (when he is there)? I think having a parent there to smooth the transition can really help. Pretty soon the baby should be getting interested in the other kids and won't mind being left.

Because dad didn't pass the background check to work w/ kids so I'm not sure I can even have him in the nursery. Yes, he wouldn't be interacting w/ the other kids, but that's why I said I'm not sure about the legal ins and outs of the situation.

[marbles]

Ive worked in a few different nurseries, big & small churches, wide & narrow age ranges, and my ideals & opinions on how crying children are handled are bascially the same across the board. In general, if Im making policy, it'd be about like this:

All children are welcome in the nursery, even ones who might not want to be there at first, and workers will do all they can to make the kids comfortable being there.
Because hysterical children disrupt the entire nursery, and force one of the already limited workers into caring for the child one on one, children will need to be picked up if workers can't get them to at least start calming down after 5 minutes (or 10 if you prefer).

Now, when discussing very small churches or nurseries, you have more leway. In your specific siuation, you say mom wants to be able to leave the child, and pastor's wife is willing to help w/ the child to let mom be in class (so the nursery worker isnt stuck w/ no help 4 the other 2 kids while she deals w/ the sad one). I'd be ok w/ trying out that arrangement (if child wasnt hysterical) if mom says she really thinks the benefits to her spiritual & mental well being from that hour in class out weigh the child's detriment for being upset about being in nursery for an hour. If the child can be distracted enuf that he's just fussing, not screaming & stressed, I dont think it's horrible if mom really needs that time to get into His word w/ other believers.
And I say this as somebody who was the FIRST to call mom for a crying kid when I was working in the nursery, when others wanted to "keep trying to get him to stop", and as one who tells ppl to call me if my child cries at all. :yes
(not sure if mom has tried staying in there w/ him to make him comfy, but I was guessing she probably has, since U say she's been there a while)

I like this solution. We have come across a similar problem in our nursery. We have a 15 min. crying limit (5min hysterical) but one baby was being left to CIO in order to nap. I was seriously uncomfortable with this, one of the reasons was that none of the other parents were told that was what was happening, I discovered it upon working in there one morning. It made sense that I was always getting called to get Lucca! In another instance, we had a mom who had one child with very serious and extensive food allergies. She asked to leave her older daughter in the nursery to get a break despite crying, so other parents were informed and they had a worker dedicated to helping the girl. That situation I was fine with. Not perfect, but I knew what was going on and why and that someone was there to hold and play with her as she needed. Maybe if you could talk with the mom and see what she needs and speak to the other mothers so they know what's going on? As a visitor, I would be more willing to leave my child in a nursery where a crying child was being lovingly attended to and the other kids were guarded from the distress than a nursery like my own with a crying baby in the corner or being held by a worker who was also watching after others.

[SamRose]

I like this solution. We have come across a similar problem in our nursery. We have a 15 min. crying limit (5min hysterical) but one baby was being left to CIO in order to nap. I was seriously uncomfortable with this, one of the reasons was that none of the other parents were told that was what was happening, I discovered it upon working in there one morning. It made sense that I was always getting called to get Lucca! In another instance, we had a mom who had one child with very serious and extensive food allergies. She asked to leave her older daughter in the nursery to get a break despite crying, so other parents were informed and they had a worker dedicated to helping the girl. That situation I was fine with. Not perfect, but I knew what was going on and why and that someone was there to hold and play with her as she needed. Maybe if you could talk with the mom and see what she needs and speak to the other mothers so they know what's going on? As a visitor, I would be more willing to leave my child in a nursery where a crying child was being lovingly attended to and the other kids were guarded from the distress than a nursery like my own with a crying baby in the corner or being held by a worker who was also watching after others.
Oh yeah, I also never agreed to let a baby CIO for naps. :no3 As nursery workers it is NOT our job 2 parent the kids & treat them exactly like they're treated at home, nor should we be expected to try mimic their home environment, sleeping or otherwise. The one time I was working when another worker told me the mom said we should let her kid CIO in a crib, I waited a few mins and got the mom. I said that it might work at home, but it wasnt working in the nursery full of other playing children, who were being upset by her kids distressed cries.

[chasingbutterflies]

I'd probably watch the baby and give that poor woman a break. :duck That hour (or however long it is) might make all the difference in the world to her.

I'd try babywearing, bringing in a playmate, etc. before I'd make her feel her child wasn't welcome in the nursery.

I totally agree.

If you want a written policy, I think 5 minutes of hard hysterical crying/15 minutes of "regular" crying would be a good rule, but with only 3 babies, she is going to KNOW that rule is pointed at her.

I'd talk to the mom and go from there. She may honestly be at the end of her rope and have decided 1 hour a week is fine with her - and then you can go from there in deciding on a policy and/or getting more help or whatever. She also may be uncomfortable with it. But I wouldn't make a policy before I talk to her, personally...

[Love is...]

I worked in our 9month-2year nursery for almost 2 years. We never had a hard fast rule, but mine was 5 minutes of hysterical crying, less, if I could tell I was getting nowhere. I just paged the parents and gave them the options of staying of taking baby into service.

I worked there almost every service for those 2 years because my own little one was not ready to let Mama go. Some days I would get through worship, some days, never made it into the sanctuary.

Now, I teach the 2's and 3's Sunday School, because well, my kids are 2 and 4 (now). At two, my DD still needs me. And, she's not, let's say "as disciplined" as some people like a 2 year-old to be, so, I prefer it's me there and not someone else making judgment calls about my kids.

I would talk to the mom. See how it's going. See if she's willing to work with you on the above mentioned ideas to play a while, leave, come back, etc.

Some parents are just about fried and sometimes they TRULY NEED to be in service. It's hard to miss as much church as I do, even though I'm technically there. Some days, my DH stays home with the kids, so I can enjoy an entire service. Is that possible for her?

From my experience, the kids that were forced to find out how fun the nursery is had the longest time realizing that.

Maybe also, find out what his favorite thing is and try that first thing, before the crazy starts.

[Rea T]

Thank you all so much, this is really helpful in figuring out how to proceed.