Aggressive boy in playgroup.

[LovelyGourmet]

We really like our playgroup, the kids are similar ages and I get along great with the mommies. :rockon

There is one boy though... His family just moved from Hawaii. They had really close friends there and I think it's been a really big adjustment for them. His older brother (4) is just barely starting to warm up and play with the others. The little brother is 19 months. He's very high energy. He runs everywhere and I don't think I've ever seen him sit for longer than 3 seconds. That doesn't seem too out of character for his age but he is also very aggressive.

One day he was playing happily next to K and completely out of nowhere got this really angry look on his face and pushed K over. Any time there are babies around he is hitting them, jumping on them, etc. My friend said she went over to their house and she couldn't set her LO down or this little boy would attack him; hitting, biting, pinching, completely unprovoked. He also hit her older boy (4) over the head with a toy. (It's not the first time he's done something like that to the big kids either even they are afraid of him.)

I don't know what to do. I feel bad for his mom. She told me she's afraid they will get kicked out of playgroup because of him and her 4 year old is just making new friends and getting adjusted. I'm not sure what to tell her :shrug . C was always a mild little guy.

What would you do? I never know what to say or do when he does something to one of my boys. And it's hard to go to a playgroup when your kids can't play.

[Domina]

How does his mom respond to him when he's too rough?

[Katigre]

If his mom wants to stay in the playgroup, she will need to figure something out:

1. Find a sitter for her 19 month old while she attends with her 4 yo
2. Shadow her 19 month old constantly, which means she will not get to talk/socialize with the other moms or build relationships - her entire focus must be on her DS and preventing him lashing out. She should also consider if she can keep him restrained in a stroller or carrier for the playgroup for some of the time to reduce his aggression.

[LovelyGourmet]

She tells him no and to be gentle. She moves him away from whoever he is being rough to (it is usually after that child is already screaming).

[Katigre]

She tells him no and to be gentle. She moves him away from whoever he is being rough to (it is usually after that child is already screaming).
That's not enough :no. That's responding after the fact rather than preventing - she needs to realize that right now he's in an aggressive stage, and that requires a whole other level of parenting than a child who otherwise is fine with others with occasional blips to correct.

Is she open to really stepping up her game to protect the other kids? B/c that is what this is about - if she's not going to be proactive to protect the other kids, then people will be hurt, regularly, and it will be her responsibility since his pattern of acting as a young toddler is well-known :(.

[Domina]

She tells him no and to be gentle. She moves him away from whoever he is being rough to (it is usually after that child is already screaming).

She's probably trying to figure out a solution, too. She may solve the problem and you won't need to do anything.

But if she doesn't, you'll need to protect C. I guess your choices are:

Teach him to come get you if he's being bothered.
Teach him the words to say, to verbally protect himself (if he's verbal).
Stay physically close to him, to protect him.
Find a new playgroup.

I bet there are better options that just aren't occurring to me right now.

I also wouldn't have a problem modeling "gentle touch" for someone else's baby and showing him how to do it. That's the hard part. At 19 months, he is just a 1 year old. A baby. They need LOTS of GOYB parenting at this stage.

[Amber]

My ds2 was very physical at that age. Going to play groups meant I was his shadow so I could stop him before he hurt another kid. I wanted to sit with the other moms and chat, but I didn't get to do that much because I was right by ds2 side helping him.

[Calee]

My DS2 can be like this at times. In this situation, I do not see the little boy as the problem-he is a baby, and can not be expected to know better yet.

Mom is probably totally frazzled and overwhelmed-but she is the one whose behavior needs to improve. She needs to sit with him, walk with him, shadow him the entire time. For me, DS2 isn't always like this, but I can usually tell when it's about to go down hill. I either: 1) Leave (before he hurts someone, or after the first attempt on his part to hurt someone or 2) Keep him with me (as in in my arms reach) at ALL. TIMES. Sometimes that means he doesn't get to do everything he wants, and sometimes it means I don't get to do everything I want.

Since you can't control mom, IF she brings it up, you could suggest prevention methods cushioned with something like "my friend has a little boy who is in this stage too-the only thing she has found to help is to be stuck to him like glue! :lol"

[Love is...]

Okay, this is going to sound bad, but so far it's had good success. Both of mine, DD more so than DS, went through something similar. I spent a lot of time shadowing, but I remembered what my vet told me when I mentioned my dog destroyed all of his stuffed toys. He loved them but would tear them to pieces. The vet told me to take the toy and pet it and talk gently to it, like you would a baby and teach the dog to be gentle.

Now, I didn't do this with my dog, he liked destroying the toys, it was kind of funny watching him do it and it wasn't really bothersome, I was just talking, not looking for a solution.

But, it has worked nicely with the kids in nursery and in Sunday School as well as my own kids.

Especially with baby dolls it's easy to replicate and every time there is a baby or child that is smaller. I point out, the baby. Repeat, gentle with babies and similar things and reinforce that hitting hurts. Even playing this out with toddlers works really well. Repeatedly showing gentle touches and what's okay and what's not.

That said, a kid will only hit my child once before I take some action, usually leaving or begin shadowing my own child to protect them. I have to though. Well, until God takes my tongue.

[AmyDoll]

I taught my LOs to hold out their hand and say "STOP" loud.
I would tell the mother she had to be in arm's reach of her Toddler at all times.

I remember having to follow N around while my friends (with mild-mannered Girls) got to sit and have coffee and conversations. It's a pain and it's hard but it's a season. :shrug

[StrangeTraveller]

This is why I haven't really gone to playgroups. It is a lot of work to shadow an aggressive little one.

[Rabbit]

It is especially more work when none of the other mothers have any interest in participating with their children, and are huddled in a corner ignoring everything but each other until something goes wrong, and that kid's mom gets the stink eye.

LO's require constant supervision, especially when they're in groups.