I don't think I get grace - Update in OP

[nessnco]

I am having trouble not punishing or rewarding and I don't know what I'm missing.


Update: God has been teaching me about Grace and this is where I'm at. Jesus died for my sins and God doesn't expect compensation. Jesus died for DSD's sins and again doesn't expect compensation. So I have no right to expect her to pay for her mistakes. My job is to teach her how to stop making mistakes and to teach her behaviours that will help her cope when things don't go the way she's been expecting. I am literally here to train her.

I explained it to DSD the other day and she was so relieved to have someone completely on her side. I get its not going to be easy but I love God so much and am so thankful for his Grace to me.

[Marrae]

Can you give specific incidences? That would be helpful.

Generally, behaviour is related to developmental stage. There is no point punishing a 4 year old for being a 4 year old, iykwim?

[staceylayne]

I'm early in this journey, both as a mother and as a gentle mother, and one thing that has helped me reframe my thinking so much is someone (wish I could remember who to credit!) basically said that parenting with grace is holding on to your expectations (or "rules") and helping children when they are not able to reach those expectations. So if they are not able to do as I ask then I help them do it and think of ways I can help them be successful next time. If the problem was whining in the afternoon, maybe I need to make sure he gets a filling snack after school or some down time to decompress. Maybe we need to practice kind, respectful voices. Mahavers haven't had enough connecting time and he's whining to get my attention

It may be way different for mine, because they are so young, but I try to remind myself that I'm teaching them how to be kind, teaching them how to share or obey or use polite words. I know if I were teaching them to read I wouldn't punish them for not getting concepts as quickly as I hoped and I'd try to avoid bribing them to perform...and I want to do the same as they develop other life other skills.

[jujubnme]

:hug Here are some of the hallmarks, to me, of grace-based discipline:

* nurturing a trusting, loving relationship
* setting reasonable expectations and learning goals based on knowing the child's developmental stage and personality
* proactively teaching skills/behavior and "setting the child up for success"
* correction involving confronting the issue, offering forgiveness and the opportunity to make amends, teaching what is appropriate behavior for the future
* reflecting feelings and encouraging emotional awareness

[nessnco]

Can you give specific incidences? That would be helpful.

Generally, behaviour is related to developmental stage. There is no point punishing a 4 year old for being a 4 year old, iykwim?

DSD is 8, she won't have a shower, go to bed when asked (if she doesn't get 12 hours sleep she is unable to cope the following day) If I bribe with a nice breakfast she'll go to bed on time and lie down (she gets up repeatedly if she isn't bribed), DH reads to her every night so if she doesn't have a shower she misses out on this and then will complain. During the day if she's gone to bed late she will say "I'm tired thats why I'm grumpy so she is aware of whats happening."

She came to live with us 10 weeks ago and she couldn't brush her hair (which is short), she can now but thats only because we just had the school holidays and we didn't go anywhere until she has brushed her hair.

She seems to thrive on conflict which just makes me angrier. Her main currency is food which also concerns me but is something I'll deal with later once she's ready to consider others.

This coming weekend is her mothers wedding and she is the flower girl her mum wants her hair curled and she doesn't. I said Saturday is Mum's day so give her what she wants and she was adament nope its my hair.

I get all kids are different one of my DD1 went to bed at when asked at 18 months, DD2 took till she was 5 but this is straight out crazy.

grace is holding on to your expectations (or "rules") and helping children when they are not able to reach those expectations

This is my thing I don't believe I'm asking past her abilities, she is a very intelligent child and knows how to get out of doing what she doesn't want to. When we got her she ate dinner with her fingers, she now uses a knife and fork. I do not believe God wants us to raise antisocial children and I am totally confused how to use grace when she still believes no-one else matters.

I get my kids learnt from day 1 how I lived and treated others and they followed suit. This for me is incredibly annoying.

When I found this website I was so pleased to find other mothers like me and as times gone on I've realised I was with my kids but with dsd I'm so not and I'm not sure how to get us out of this cycle (which is what she was in with her mother and was the way I was raised). My kids are stunned I punish and bribe her because I never did with them.

---------- Post added at 09:44 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:40 AM ----------

:hug Here are some of the hallmarks, to me, of grace-based discipline:

* nurturing a trusting, loving relationship
* setting reasonable expectations and learning goals based on knowing the child's developmental stage and personality
* proactively teaching skills/behavior and "setting the child up for success"
* correction involving confronting the issue, offering forgiveness and the opportunity to make amends, teaching what is appropriate behavior for the future
* reflecting feelings and encouraging emotional awareness

Ok so I want an 8 year old to go to bed so she gets enough sleep, how do I set her up for success when she refuses. The other thing I didn't mention is she gets in trouble at school when she hasn't had enough sleep but when she has enough she has great days and she isn't mean to others.

[jujubnme]

Parenting a step-child is so hard, because you don't have the built-up relationship you have with your own children to guide and support your interactions. At the same time, you're still having to provide the firm boundaries and structure that dsd needs day-to-day. Big :hugheart to you.

You've had your dsd for only ten weeks, and it sounds like she came with a lot of baggage and bad habits. It is going to take time to build trust, to change bad habits and learn new ones, to knit her into your family.

I haven't btdt, so these are just some questions for thought... Have you had the opportunity to have any heart-to-heart talks with dsd? What would it look like if you include her in problem-solving some of these problems (like not wanting to go to bed)? Do you get a sense of what her love languages might be? Can you describe what happens at bedtime so we can help you brainstorm ideas?

[Kiara.I]

It sounds like she doesn't have much connection with you yet. How are you doing at building relationship with her? How about meeting her love languages (not that you get to skip on all the things that *aren't* her love language, just that you can add extra to what *is* her love language.)

It also sounds like you're still wondering what kind of surprise you've been handed, and aren't all that thrilled about it. :hug

Are you praying for her daily and intensively? That can help a lot in changing your own responses to a person, be it adult or child.

Also, you need to be asking specifically the mamas who've done older adoption for tips, because that's essentially what you're dealing with--a child from a totally different environment who comes into your environment. :hug

(Oh, and I'm with her about the hair. It's HER hair!!! Mum can go whistle. ;))

[staceylayne]

:hugheart

This is way out of my depth, for sure. So she just began to live with you recently? What was her home life like before? :think

I don't know anything about her background but it seems to me that moving to a different home with different parents and different rules is going to be traumatic for any child...even if the new situation is much healthier or safer. I can imagine that a child with limited ability to understand, much less communicate, their big feelings about their life upheaval might act out in many various ways. Seeking to control the few little things they can (food intake, sleep) in an out of control world, if you will.

Have you spent any tome on the foster and adoption board? I imagine he women there would have lots of wisdom in parenting a child with grace when you've not brought them up since birth.

Forgive me of I'm way off or have totally misunderstood your situation. These are just the ramblings that came to my mind...hope you can find some help and support for your unique situation!

---------- Post added at 04:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:10 PM ----------

ETA - ha, I'm a slow and distracted typer. So, what they said! :yes

[jujubnme]

It sounds like she doesn't have much connection with you yet. How are you doing at building relationship with her? How about meeting her love languages (not that you get to skip on all the things that *aren't* her love language, just that you can add extra to what *is* her love language.);))

The book I Love You Rituals (http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Rituals-Becky-Bailey/dp/0688161170/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319663423&sr=8-1), by Becky Bailey comes to mind, although I think a lot of her rituals are geared more towards pre-school aged kids. I really like the idea, though, of trying to establish some "love" rituals. I am also thinking that she probably needs as much routine as you can muster too---that it will help her find stability after all of the upheaval of changing homes. And I realize that getting her to relax into that routine is where your challenge is right now.

[filmgirl2911]

although not dealing with a step-child circumstance, I *really* needed to read this today :heart

[nessnco]

Have you had the opportunity to have any heart-to-heart talks with dsd? What would it look like if you include her in problem-solving some of these problems (like not wanting to go to bed)? Do you get a sense of what her love languages might be? Can you describe what happens at bedtime so we can help you brainstorm ideas?

DSD and I met two years ago, we've had quite a few heart to hearts, she prefers me to her mother, sadly I think our relationship is better than theirs. Mum is very controlling and changable so DSD has had to be loud and determined to have some control over her life. I have eliminated most of what they used to fight over e.g. she picks her clothes (I really don't care what she wears - after one day of being cold at school now when I say you may want to take a jumper she puts one in her bag and has even thanked me for reminding her). DSD does her room and bed and I overlook what isn't to my standard because its not going to make a difference to her personality.

Mum cares about how others percieve you, I don't so for DSD this is a major change, she knows I'm only interested in how we treat ourselves and others. She has made great strides, she no longer name calls or insults when she is angry. She is much more confident.

Her main love language is Words of Affirmation followed by Physical Touch.

I'll try the problem solving thing she definitely has the intelligence to grasp it.

Most nights going to bed is fine its the staying in bed we have issue's with. We have Dinner, she has a shower, she goes toilet and gets a glass of water for her room then DH reads to her and says goodnight, I go in and kiss her and say good night. When she then lies down and doesn't talk to herself she's asleep in 10/15 mins, our issue is she talks to herself, calls the dogs in to her room (the dogs now know not to go in), she looks out the window, even just sits on her floor and will take up to 2 hours to lie down and once she lies down is asleep very quickly.

It also sounds like you're still wondering what kind of surprise you've been handed, and aren't all that thrilled about it. :hug

Most definitely, I do believe here is where God wants her but it has turned our lives upside down and I'm still adjusting.

Are you praying for her daily and intensively? That can help a lot in changing your own responses to a person, be it adult or child.

I am praying so hard, God is changing me and in ways I never expected (I'm more organised which for me is straight out weird). I pray for patience and an understanding of grace for me.

Also, you need to be asking specifically the mamas who've done older adoption for tips, because that's essentially what you're dealing with--a child from a totally different environment who comes into your environment. :hug

I have been reading some of the threads but haven't specifically asked in that area

(Oh, and I'm with her about the hair. It's HER hair!!! Mum can go whistle. ;))

This weekend she's staying with one of mum's friends and the friend said the same thing. The friend has also asked me to let DSD know she's the adult to go to over the weekend which is great I am so thankful this friend understands DSD needs consistency and boundaries.

I don't know anything about her background but it seems to me that moving to a different home with different parents and different rules is going to be traumatic for any child...even if the new situation is much healthier or safer. I can imagine that a child with limited ability to understand, much less communicate, their big feelings about their life upheaval might act out in many various ways. Seeking to control the few little things they can (food intake, sleep) in an out of control world, if you will.

I understand this and as much as possible I don't make a big deal about unnecessary things, the reason sleep is so important is without enough she doesn't cope with life.

Thankyou to every whose replied I do appreciate it.

---------- Post added at 11:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 AM ----------

:hugheart

This is way out of my depth, for sure. So she just began to live with you recently? What was her home life like before? :think

All her physical needs were met, she was physically punished without warning, I know she has had tabasco sauce on her tongue and been spanked and thrown and mum held her under a running tap once. I also think things were thrown at her because when she's really frustrated she throws things at me (I'm not worried about this because I believe with modeling and a change in her language it will stop). Mum has also made these statements to her repeatedly - I hate you, wish you weren't born, wish I'd had an abortion. (When we got her if I was mad she'd say you hate me and I always say I love you , no matter what you do I will never stop loving you - which I now think she is realising because in the middle of a debate she'll stop and say I love you and I say I love you too and then she will carry on debating). lol

This child is amazing and God has something great for her that will involve speaking or debating, I just need to help her channel it into positive.

[staceylayne]

I want to commend you for the work you've been doing to give dsd a safe, loving home. I cannot imagine the challenge...it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. :hug

This may not be the case with your child at all, but my son has had more and more difficulty settling for sleep lately. And he is an absolute bear without it! He will often writhe around in bed, sit up and look out the window, hang upside down, etc and it was making us crazy that he wouldn't just lay still! Because as soon as he is still and quiet for two minutes he's out. I've found Calms Forte 4 Kids (a Hylands homeopathic remedy) to help him sometimes when he is terribly restless and just won't settle. For him I think he's often processing new experiences or anticipating upcoming things and he can't figure out how to turn his brain off...which leads to an uncomfortably tired, restless body.

Just throwing that out there! YMMV

[nessnco]

I want to commend you for the work you've been doing to give dsd a safe, loving home. I cannot imagine the challenge...it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. :hug

This may not be the case with your child at all, but my son has had more and more difficulty settling for sleep lately. And he is an absolute bear without it! He will often writhe around in bed, sit up and look out the window, hang upside down, etc and it was making us crazy that he wouldn't just lay still! Because as soon as he is still and quiet for two minutes he's out. I've found Calms Forte 4 Kids (a Hylands homeopathic remedy) to help him sometimes when he is terribly restless and just won't settle. For him I think he's often processing new experiences or anticipating upcoming things and he can't figure out how to turn his brain off...which leads to an uncomfortably tired, restless body.

Just throwing that out there! YMMV

Thank you and I'll have a look tomorrow when I drop DSD off for the wedding ((the place is way bigger than our little town). It's very possible she may not be able to turn her brain off she thinks way more than any kid I've met.

What does YMMV mean?

[staceylayne]

YMMV = your milage may vary :)

[nessnco]

Thanks for all the prayers. :heart

[katiekind]

I explained it to DSD the other day and she was so relieved to have someone completely on her side. I get its not going to be easy but I love God so much and am so thankful for his Grace to me.

That is awesome! Maybe you should write it down somewhere...it can be hard to remember when the child is getting on your last nerve. "I am completely on her side." That is just beautiful.