When your children need different things...

[MaySunflowers]

You know that verse... raise a child the way he should go, etc etc...

What if you have two children who need attention in different ways... but you can't balance it in a way that doesn't make them wonder why they are treated differently?

I generally feel guilty about the way I treat one child and how the other might perceive it even though I am treating each the way they need to in order to function the best... and to top it off my husband says I am treating one poorly but I don't believe that I am. :(

My son is 3, when he is upset about a situation or done something wrong he needs to be taken closely, comforted and have an explanation of the situation... then he gets it and things are resolved a lot more easily. Or when we gets hurts he needs a bit of fuss, a hug, a rub and is easily sent back on his way like nothing has happened. He responds excellently to both ways.

My daughter is 6 and I am possitive suffers from some level of ADHD. It she is upset she needs that intense mood broken before anything can happen, sometimes its loud firm speaking, sometimes its letting her cool down on her own separated from others, sometimes she needs to be made/told black and white or there is a consequence... either way she can't get out of that by herself. And if she hurts herself I need to be more distant, lay out the situation as it really is for her to see, then she is less upset and gets over it faster... if I do the same as I do for my son it leads to LOTS of nearly hypochondriac type behaviors and more panicking the next time she gets hurt and it all gets worse and worse... etc....

My children have a need to be reacted to and treated differently.... but I worry that my daughter will see me as being loving to my son and not to her. My husband focuses on these things and says I am not being nice to her.... but how I am nice with my daughter is in other ways.

Am I getting something wrong here? Should I be doing things differently? It feels like my daughter needs so much guidance and I don't mean for the guidance to be "tough" and I don't believe it is, its just that she fights a lot against it and things get dragged out and more than they are because of how she reacts. I think the reactions she gives is what makes what I do look tough or hard but I am even limiting what I require for her and focusing on a lot less to ease the strain. For example, she only has to clean her room and put laundry in the basket... no chores, nothing. I don't believe she can handle more than that, I wish she could but I don't think she can.

Anyhow... thoughts? Ideas? I will come back tomorrow to respond to any posts as I am busy the rest of the day today.

[Damselfly]

I don't have a lot of insight but I do believe when you are sensitive to each child's needs and do your best to provide appropriate guidance and speak each child's love language, your children are more likely to feel loved than if you took a one-size-fits-all approach.

[MaySunflowers]

I hope that makes a difference for when they might think they aren't treated the same... their love languages do seem very obvious at this age.. my son likes the hugs, cuddles, smiles, and to be listened to while looking him straight in the eyes... my daughter likes you to comment on her achievements and loves loves loves gifts big or small.

[Kiara.I]

The same people who wrote "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and..." also wrote a book called "Siblings Without Rivalry." Excellent book.

Very much talks about NOT doing things the same to both children. In fact, never suggest that to the children and never engage the children about it. "He got more than me!" gets met with, "Oh, did *you* want some more? Here, you can have some." Now, of course that doesn't work if they each get one cookie and that's it, but the principle is good overall.

Anyway, good book. Written half in cartoons and most of the rest in stories, so it's VERY easy to read. I think I read it in an evening.

[MaySunflowers]

I will come back tomorrow afternoon and get that title again, sounds like what I need to read to find out if I am doing things right or wrong and if things need tweeking.

I never mention that they get treated differently, and other than cookies or whatnot like you said, they don't appear to notice the differences in things like when they get hurt... but I am worrying that my daughter is at an age to notice and be upset by the difference.

[zephyrlily7]

I can totally relate to this as well, as one of my children has such a different temperament than the others.

[staceylayne]

I don't have experience with this as a parent (so take my thoughts with a grain of salt), but it sounds like you are addressing each child as an individual and meeting their needs in ways that seem best. I can understand being concerned that dd might be old enough to notice the differences but not old enough to understand why.

I'd encourage you to look for extra opportunities to hug/love on your daughter in times when it wouldn't fuel a negative cycle...maybe taking turns brushing one another's hair or snuggle while watching a video. Even if it isn't her primary LL...it might be easy to go too long without those valuable positive physical connections. I also wonder if it may be beneficial to do some special mommy/daughter dates and get to spend time connecting with her in more mature ways as she grows up. :shrug Those were the times with my patents I would have felt most comfortable bringing up "injustices" I perceived between my siblings and me.

It sounds like you really know your children and that you are doing a great job. :heart

[MaySunflowers]

Found the book on amazon.co.uk used so I will order it... most recent version listed is 2000, but I imagine it doesn't matter too much which year's version I buy.

Postage costs me more than the book and its coming all the way from the USA.. not too bad though... seemed the second hand price was anywhere from £1.28 to £11 something!! I went for the £1.48 one. LOL

[Kiara.I]

Glad you found a copy!

For future book orders, have you ever used Abe Books? It's basically an online clearing house for used book stores, and it will sort for you by *combined* lowest price, so price + shipping together, which is nice. And you can tell it what country you're in, so it can calculate the shipping correctly. And you can limit sellers by country, so you could find specifically ones in the UK.

LOVE that website. ;) Oh, and you can search within a selected bookseller for other books so as to combine shipping and lower the total cost, so for instance while you order the Siblings book you could see if the same bookseller happens to have any of the other parenting books on the "someday" list. ;)

[MaySunflowers]

No, will have to look it up and bookmark it as I'll forget the name otherwise!