We're putting the cat down - How to explain to children?

[Rabbit]

Stripe is a geriatric cat who has become very very ill. There are a couple of possibilities for prolonging his life a little further, and we're not taking them, because as the vet explained it, as we peel away each illness or organ failure, we're going to find another hiding underneath. Fine. Saw it coming.

Stripe has been sick for a long time, and he has NEVER liked children, so the children are not particularly attached to him, but they know him, and they are tender hearted children who have had to deal with major family illness and hospitalizations before. Samantha panicked the first night we slept at home without Seth because he was in the NICU, afraid that we had abandoned him. I had to take pictures of his nurses to satisfy her that he was well cared for.

I don't want the children to get any weird or warped ideas about medicine and hospitals from this. I am taking someone sick and old to a doctor, to kill them, and never bring them back. I'm horrified!

How do I explain this to my children?

[jujubnme]

:hugheart I'm so sorry. I haven't BTDT, but how about framing it that the cat has a sickness that the doctors can't cure and that he is going to die. You are taking the cat to die in the doctor's care, because they will be best able to help him die peacefully. (I don't think you need to go into details on how the cat will die.)

[klpmommy]

I'm going to tag along on this thread b/c we have a 14.5 y/o dog who I don't expect to be with us much longer and I worry that we will have to make the same decision.

[expatmom]

When I was little & my beloved cat got put down, I had to go to vet with my parents & get him settled in the room & hug and kiss him goodbye. That is what I needed to do for it to be real & okay for me.

[sweetpeas]

We had a similar, but different, situation a couple of years ago (the twins were 6, Little Bit was a baby). Our dog, Precious had a respiratory attack of some sort, dh took her to the vet (an emergency vet because of COURSE it happened on teh weekend, and when we were at my parents' house) and after trying a few things, it was determined that it was best to put her down. All of this was discussed between dh & I over the phone and then I had to tell the girls that we needed to put Precious to sleep. We took them to the emergency vet place so they could tell her goodbye. The vet was AMAZING answering their questions calmly, completely, and at their level. She spent time answering their questions, then explained what they needed to do/not do (she was in an oxygen tent) when she opened the door, they followed instructions well, told Precious goodbye, and we left. There were more questions, and tears at various times later, but overall, they took it well.

So it was different in that we had to make an instant decision. And perhaps different in that they could easily see that Precious was in pain. And, she wouldn't have been able to live outside of the O2 tent. So we came at it from the standpoint of, there's nothing the doctor can do to help Precious, she can't get well, and she's not comfortable, so letting her to sleep and never wake up is better than letting her keep hurting. They seemed to accept that without question. I don't know if that's helpful at all, but that's what we did, but we didn't really have time to plan it all out, we just had to wing it.

(I have to admit, when our aged, not-good-with-kids, cat died when the twins were toddlers, I heaved a huge sigh of relief that she had died while they were too young to notice or ask questions).

[itzj]

Are you going to bury your cat? It helped me as a child to participate and understand. The earliest cat I remember passing was when I was 5, and there were many after that. I know I was around for one earlier than that but I don't remember the death time. I should add that all of these died at home under hospice care. As an adult I've hat to put down two but we waited until they were essentially gone (stroked out essentially) but not passing, and both were medicated for pain. One we had the vet come to our home and the other in our car at the vet - I was adamant to not have them die in a fearful place.

My parents did put a dog down at our house. We took our brother to play at a park and when we came home they told him she'd passed while we were gone. He got to see that she had died, say goodbye, and be part of the burial. And fwiw I was never really into the dogs we had but I was still sad and needed to grieve when they died.

For me there needs to be a balance. If you remove the death too much they can't process it and it feeds the fear as it's so unknown. But it needs to be tempered so they learn to deal with it in a healthy way. It is hard for me to see a dead pet of course, but I think that exposure has brought me to a place where I can give my pet the love and care literally until the grave, instead of being too afraid to give them dignity to the end. The way my mother cared for and grieved their bodies left a big impression of love.

[Katiebug]

We took our dog to the vet after the kids were in bed and told them the next day that the dog had died. We didn't feel at the time they were mature enough to grasp the concept of euthanizing animals without being totally confused or totally angry at us for making the choice. And a long drawn out good-bye would have been horrible and possibly more traumatic for them. The only thing they needed to know was that their dog was sick and old and had died. I don't know if it was the "right" thing to do but we weren't dishonest, just gave them the details we thought they could handle.

[chasingbutterflies]

One of our cats actually died in front of our kids this summer, but the kids didn't realize she was dead when my husband went running out the door to the vet with her (last ditch effort). When he got home without the cat (they disposed of her body), we explained that the vets tried to make her better but couldn't, and she was done living her life and so she died.

we had a lot of questions from DD about lifespans and why do cats live less time than humans and all that but she really is very matter of fact about it. she's only 5 though.

we found the book lifetimes by brian mellonie useful also. it's not religious at all though, just again very matter of fact about you're born, you die, in the middle is called living. we didn't want to tie heaven in with the cat dying (just personal preference) so it worked for us.

[Rabbit]

Josh and I discussed burying the cat. Simon is like a crazy dog, he digs so much in the yard, and we in no way want to see them digging up a dead cat. We will not be burying him here. In addition, this is a rental, and not our home. We're leaving as soon as Josh finds a new job, and while that may take a year or two or maybe, God help us, more than that, we need to be able to go in as little as a year with as little trauma as possible. Leaving a cat buried in the yard may add to that trauma.

This is not a beloved pet, at least as far as the children are concerned. Stripe has been sick for a very long time, and he has never played with, cuddled with, or even been seen much by the children. I don't want to create drama that just isn't there for them, any more than I want to ignore any grieving. If we buried him here, they'd see more of his grave than they ever saw of him.

Killing a household pet, even one they don't deeply love, has the potential to be scary. I want to be honest and open, but most of all, I don't want to scare them.

[expatmom]

:think I think maybe a goodbye ritual of some sort might be helpful.

[SouthPaw]

We tell our kids. For our dog Falcor, we told them the day before so they would have a chance to spend time with him and say goodbye. Then we explained that his body was hurting him and he was very sick, and we were going to take him to the vet and they would give him a special shot that would stop his heart - a shot that they only use for animals that are sick and dying, never for people. We told them his heart would stop and his body would die and he wouldn't feel any more hurt. And that he would go to puppy heaven :shifty

So mostly, we try to be really honest. I do think it's important to tell them ahead of time instead of just making the pet disappear.

They all understood and were very sad and serious. My kids are telling me right now that they really liked being told ahead of time so they would know what was going on. They handled it admirably :heart

[J3K]

"Stripe is a very old sick cat. The vet said the best thing would be to "put him to sleep". And that's what happens. The vet will give Stripe some medicine and Stripe will sleep. He's not healthy so as he sleeps he will die very peacefully. It's okay to be sad and mourn Stripe. Who has a funny story to share about Stripe?"

If still applicable I'd ask if they want to say goodbye to the cat.

[ShiriChayim]

How literal are your kids? I would probably be very careful with using words like "put to sleep" simply because I really don't want my kids associating "sleep" (like what they have to do each night) with "death". I know you deal with some major anxiety issues so finding the method the helps keep those reactions to a minimum will be helpful. When dh's parents had to put their cats down and we had to talk to our kids about it, we were able to explain that the cats were very old and very sick and it was time for them to die. They have asked a LOT of questions about death since then, and if it's different for people and pets, and each time they've seen someone who owns a pet since then they've double checked that the pets are still alive, but it has (so far) gone well.

[Rabbit]

I told Samantha that Stripe was really sick, and I had to take him back to the vet, and he died. She wanted to talk about Frog, Stripe's brother, who died when she was teeny tiny. We agreed to be extra gentle with the rest of the cats for awhile, as Gandalf in particular will be missing his buddy. She was mostly sad that she never really got to pet Stripe, because he was so skittish.

[Marsha]

I'd say we took him to the vet cuz he was sick, but he was so sick that he died. Least said.

[chasingbutterflies]

I'm glad she took it ok :hug2 and I am really sorry about your cat.