Boys, fighting, guidelines

[Firebird Rising]

Three boys, ages 5, 3, 20 months. All very active. All incredibly intelligent. They fight constantly. Sometimes it's rough-housing. Sometimes it's a little on the edge. Sometimes it's all in out trying to pummel each other out of anger.

Their dad is not in the picture except for a phone call every few months. He lives halfway across the country. We live with my parents. My dad is not able to rough-house with them because of medical reasons. That leaves my mom and I. Mom won't do it. I did it a few weeks ago and still am dealing with major knee, shoulder, back and neck pain (after several chiropractor visits).

We had an awesome gymnastics coach that rough-housed a bit with Cameron during class and he loved it. That coach is gone and is not coming back, ever (mental health reasons). Cameron is in counseling over his dad, and also over the gymnastics coach he couldn't say goodbye to.

I hear other moms of similar aged boys talking about how physical their boys are. At what point do we draw the line? All three of them have bruises from being pounded on the back. I'm very protective of the baby. But stuff happens when I'm in the other room and he tries to steal the big boys' toys.

Fun physical play consists of rolling down a pad doing somersaults, pinning each other on the floor, aggressive hugging. This type of play ends REALLY quickly with someone getting hurt, usually within a few minutes. A new game is both of them picking up the baby, one at the arms, one at the feet, and carrying him around between themselves. He LOVES it and they are careful, but I'm not letting them do it anymore for obvious reasons. :-/ If they are running and screaming, I send them outside. They usually go out and swing, ride bikes until they argue about sidewalk space, play in the sandbox or dig up dirt somewhere.

Angry physical play tends to erupt over toys, usually Lego wheels or the wind-up things...The 3 yr old has a tackle approach and the 5 yr old lays there and yells for me to come help him. This has been approached in counseling and 5 yr old is encouraged to "get away" from 3 yr old. 5 yr old usually just whomps the 3 yr old in the back when he's upset at him. Five year old also teases the 3 yr old a TON and eggs him on. The baby kicks and hits but both the olders tend to just push him over when they're angry at him.

I proactively parent. I have instituted a 'you-hit-you-sit' rule. I have a several stage disrespect plan for the oldest (three options for places: sit in the living room, go to the bedroom, or go outside; three options for activities: read, play quietly, rest...or we have a reset plan that includes some exercises from a book about de-stressing). I'm going to implement it on the younger child to a certain extent as well.

My mom had a boy and a girl. She didn't have three boys. She has a hard time with letting them settle their own things. I feel it's important, under certain circumstances, to let them settle some of the problems. I encourage them to handle things with words. I will not allow blatant hitting.at.all if I can prevent it. Like right now, they're running through the house playing some sort of gun game with a Lego crane piece (sigh) and 5 yr old is using words and 3 yr old is screaming. 5 yr old just threw the crane at 3 yr old, which caused much angst. 5 yr old is sitting on the couch. 3 yr old is doing something to baby brother to make him screech, but it sounds like angry screech and not painful screech so I just hollered in there to "be nice to Baby".

I'm also encouraging them both to stick up for their brothers, like 5 yr old saying, "You are not allowed to hurt my baby brother." and protecting him from 3 yr old (and vice verse). It's not working well, but I keep talking it through with them.

Please tell me what you do. Please tell me what's normal. And tell me we'll get through this.

Thanks.

[Psyche]

Its allowed here so long as no one is unhappy.

[Naked Camper]

thanks Jen for starting this :cup

[ShiriChayim]

1) Yes it's normal :yes
2) I have found that "letting them work through it" requires a TON of groundwork from me :shifty At first it looks like me scripting them through it over and over and over again. I walk into the room call a TRUCE (opposite corners people!) and then help them talk through it, giving each one a turn to talk and encouraging them to listen to each other and literally at times giving them the words that will help them work it out. This had progressed to the ability to ask them questions about it: "What do you think your brother is feeling? Why is he feeling like that? Why don't you ask him? How can you share with him kindly what you are feeling? What could you have done differently? What would help now?" and letting them answer the questions to get through it. And on a very rare occasion I have heard them work it out themselves in another room without involving me (WIN!). :heart
3) We've had to have a very firm line between "rough play" and "killing each other". A "whomp" is not considered rough play and once it goes there the play is ended immediately and they are separated. I KNOW that part is hard for you, having the space and ability to separate them effectively is a huge hurdle, but I've found that when play gets too rough that's the best way I can handle it. I do find opportunity for them to beat up non-living objects. Pillows, couch cushions, beds, all those things are up for grabs :giggle They've invented their own game wherein each child stands on our mattress and runs as fast as they can into the wall at the other end, and whichever one comes up with the most creative fall backwards "wins".
4) These are INTENSE ages for you...all of them :yes I think the ages of your kids right now is the most intense place to be. These toddler/preschool/young boy kinds of stages are so hard because they have just enough maturity to be seeking out and wanting the companionship of brother and not enough to have any kind of impulse or emotional control or communication skills to have a ton of success :doh
5) Just a reminder, it really is normal :yes It is intense and overwhelming and frustrating...but normal. :hug

[Naked Camper]

finally got a chance to read through your post Jen and it's the exact same thing at our house - but they do have Dad around to wrestle with and be a good example for them ....dynamics between the 5yo, 3yo and 2yo are the exact same as you described though.

[abbiroads]

My youngest is 3. It is much easier now then it was a year ago because everyone can understand, to some extent, the consequences of their choices. If they hurt someone, they are probably going to get hurt back, just in a natural consequences way. We will step in when someone is hurting to hurt but if one doesn't like the game, they are free to leave it. They are each responsible as well for making sure everyone understands and is willing before they engage them in the game. They are reminded over and over of their responsibilities and choices. We rarly have to forcibly stop rough housing. DH rough houses with them some, but really not that much. They do that sort of play with each other.

[TraceMama]

I want to come back to this, since I've got 3 rough and tumble boys too. :yes :hug

[BeachMama]

We have some of those issues too. Mostly the random punch or hit when fighting over toys. I am trying the hit-you-sit thing but my oldest usually melts into a major fit when asked to sit.
They get along so much better when we are outside!

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