5 yo DS crying results in ...

[mokamoto]

:bag angry feelings in me. My Dad was a a no-crying allowed parent, especially toward my brother. I see strength in my DHs tears, but for some reason, my DS's tears cause me to feel fear, worry and anger. If you have dealt with this in yourself, how have you done it? I intellectually realize that his whining and tears are the result of him feeling powerless, but my gut reaction is anger. I don't hurt him, but I feel that I am not kind enough. I want him to be strong and look within himself for answers, but that is asking a lot of a 5.5 yo, so I walk him through it after I get past my emotions. But I am frustrated that these emotions keep coming up. I'm looking for practical steps here. Things I can -DO- to move past this emotional internal reaction toward him. I hope to parent him to a position of strength in his own convictions and to not be bullied. I worry that if he cries a lot he will have a really hard time in the community and at school. But then his peers seem to regard him as strong, so maybe he is only crying with his little sister??? Thanks!!! :heart

[StewardofLOs]

I have a similar reaction to crying..:cup

[BeachMama]

I am on the other end of this. I don't mind tears because his other way of expressing himself is in a blind rage so, um, I'll take the "mommy!" and tears. Though he is a big overreactor/very sensitive and I am praying he can learn some self-control as he gets older or things are going to be very hard for him.

It is good that you realize the link to your childhood and why it makes you feel the way you do. :hugheart

[mokamoto]

I am on the other end of this. I don't mind tears because his other way of expressing himself is in a blind rage so, um, I'll take the "mommy!" and tears. Though he is a big overreactor/very sensitive and I am praying he can learn some self-control as he gets older or things are going to be very hard for him.

It is good that you realize the link to your childhood and why it makes you feel the way you do. :hugheart

How do you parent him through the tears? I feel like DS is REALLY overreacting, but maybe it is due to other factors- HALT, maybe. Maybe focusing on technique will remove the emotion in the moment for me?

Thanks for your hug. I realize on days when I manage not to let that part of me engage when he cries, I am not so exhausted by day's end, so this is big. I think my tiredness is self-induced, emotional and not-helpful or healthy. I am working on it. :heart

[BeachMama]

I certainly dont' have all the answers... see the thread I posted this morning. lol

I give him a hug and try to talk back what I think he is feeling. "Ouch that looked liked it hurt" or "That must be frustrating when xyz" I stay calm and just give a hug and a few words. I don't want to over-do it myself, you know? Oh and then distraction usually works depending on why he was upset.

I have been thinking about talking to him about self-control a little more and "shaking it off" a bit after I validate him for a minute. He can be so over the top.

[mokamoto]

I certainly dont' have all the answers... see the thread I posted this morning. lol

I give him a hug and try to talk back what I think he is feeling. "Ouch that looked liked it hurt" or "That must be frustrating when xyz" I stay calm and just give a hug and a few words. I don't want to over-do it myself, you know? Oh and then distraction usually works depending on why he was upset.

I have been thinking about talking to him about self-control a little more and "shaking it off" a bit after I validate him for a minute. He can be so over the top.

:heart None of us have all the answers. Many here have been here longer than me, though! ;) Thanks for your perspective and your kind words.

[Marsha]

I have a similar reaction to crying..:cup

me too. I guess I just talked myself through it like you, and then got used to it. FWIW, he'll cry less after 6.5. This is a BIG crying year, at least for my girls.

---------- Post added at 12:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:27 PM ----------

Oh, also I don't react as much. They dont' always need hugs, validation, talking it through, etc. Sometimes they need to cry. Riley runs up to me crying, "wah, wah, hurt feelings, yadda yadda wah wah" and I just go "oh, I'm so sorry, that isn't fun, is it? I can see why you'd be upset" and 8 times out of 10 she runs off feeling heard if not happy.

[rjy9343]

Both of my parents were no cry, too. I am subbing to deal with Ivy's tears.

[NovelMama]

I don't know if this will help, but I sort of ignore the tears. They're not a deciding factor of anything, they're just a way of expressing emotion, and they aren't going to affect how I deal with a situation. I acknowledge and reflect the emotion, just like I would if they'd been smashing things instead of crying, and then focus on what can be done about the situation, not so much the emotion they're feeling or how they're expressing it. Does that make sense? I also find with my 5.5yo that the less attention given to the tears, the quicker they stop.

[DoulaClara]

My friend Mandi shared an awesome script on FB yesterday, for small kids and their big feelings. She got it from a friend, and I want to hold onto it, because depending on the day, this is a struggle for me as well.

" It's OK to let it go now. This anger and sadness hurts you, so just let it go. You will feel much better in just a minute".

I can already tell that saying it aloud helps DD AND it is a verbal reminder to me- I am also simultaneously reminding myself that this is temporary, and for myself to "let go." And it saves me from trying to not repeat the old familiar refrain of "You're fine," or "Knock it off," or whatever I heard growing up.

[mokamoto]

My friend Mandi shared an awesome script on FB yesterday, for small kids and their big feelings. She got it from a friend, and I want to hold onto it, because depending on the day, this is a struggle for me as well.

" It's OK to let it go now. This anger and sadness hurts you, so just let it go. You will feel much better in just a minute".

I can already tell that saying it aloud helps DD AND it is a verbal reminder to me- I am also simultaneously reminding myself that this is temporary, and for myself to "let go." And it saves me from trying to not repeat the old familiar refrain of "You're fine," or "Knock it off," or whatever I heard growing up.

That is really helpful, DoulaClara! Thank you. :heart

[StewardofLOs]

DD seems to be one of those that just wants to be "heard" and then brushes it off. :yes:shrug3

However, this:



" It's OK to let it go now. This anger and sadness hurts you, so just let it go. You will feel much better in just a minute".



sounds like just the thing my DS needs to hear. :yes :ty for sharing! Now I just need to remember to use it....:shifty

[ropleymama]

Hi Marie,
My son, just turned 6, is also very sensitive and can really "lose it" when he cries (he goes all hot, sweats, goes red, breathes rapidly etc.) and it takes a whole load of cuddling (with my calmness and gentleness slowly spreading to him), stroking and waiting (always holding/cuddling him) until his heightened emotions decrease and we can talk about the issue. As I too can have an angry response to my children, the gentle hug gives me the chance to concentrate on physically relaxing my muscles, note where I am holding the anger (usually as physical tension somewhere in my body) and concentrate on releasing this (to God or just let it float away). When we are BOTH calm we can sort things out! I sometimes close my eyes and ask God to "write" on my eyelids something helpful that connects me with the grown-up mature adult in me and not the "child" in me that expresses anger from some past hurt (of which there are plenty) and then I can parent my son in the here-and-now and not burden him because of things in my past. It is a big thing for me, so when I fail I just pick myself up and carry on, I will not be beaten!

The other phrase that I come back to again and again is this: "When your child is being the least loveable, this is when they are most needing your love"

HTH

[mokamoto]

Hi Marie,
My son, just turned 6, is also very sensitive and can really "lose it" when he cries (he goes all hot, sweats, goes red, breathes rapidly etc.) and it takes a whole load of cuddling (with my calmness and gentleness slowly spreading to him), stroking and waiting (always holding/cuddling him) until his heightened emotions decrease and we can talk about the issue. As I too can have an angry response to my children, the gentle hug gives me the chance to concentrate on physically relaxing my muscles, note where I am holding the anger (usually as physical tension somewhere in my body) and concentrate on releasing this (to God or just let it float away). When we are BOTH calm we can sort things out! I sometimes close my eyes and ask God to "write" on my eyelids something helpful that connects me with the grown-up mature adult in me and not the "child" in me that expresses anger from some past hurt (of which there are plenty) and then I can parent my son in the here-and-now and not burden him because of things in my past. It is a big thing for me, so when I fail I just pick myself up and carry on, I will not be beaten!

The other phrase that I come back to again and again is this: "When your child is being the least loveable, this is when they are most needing your love"

HTH

What an amazing response, ropleymama! Thank you so much for your message and sharing your experiences. After initially posting this I have reflected a lot and am finding that calm, loving reaction again, mostly through physically calming -me- down. I realized it was ironic that I was telling them to be kind to each other, that they could only manage themselves, not their sibling so if they don't like something, communicate clearly with each other and walk away if necessary. I remember loving hugs being my response when I had one child and less life stress. I made the mistake of focusing on the issues and not on our relationships as much as life became more complicated. Thank you for sharing your point of view and experiences so clearly. It really does help to hear your practical steps and not feel alone in struggling with this. :heart