Lessons in triage

[Blue-EyedLady]

I have a hard time knowing what to do first when multiple parenting needs are thrust upon me at the same time. So I thought I'd start a thread where people can post their "triage-needed" situations, and some of the more experienced mamas can advise.

I'll go first. :)

Dinner is frying on the stove, and will burn if I leave it alone for a few minutes. The baby is crying because he's got a poopy diaper and is alone in the bouncy seat, and the toddler is trying to "help" with dinner, which is actually dangerous because oil keeps spitting out of the pan and could burn him. Everybody is tired and hungry, and there's no help (no DH, no neighbors etc.).

Ok, so how would you tackle this situation? Please give the reasons why you chose to do xyz first so that we can all learn the underlying principles, please.

[Psyche]

I'd probably turn dinner off, if possible, then handle the pooey diaper and occupy the kids before going back to dinner. It sounds like a good time for the kids to do sensory play or "wash" dishes ot occupy them. While dinner is "priority", it can be turned off and restarted later, usually.

[allisonintx]

First, I meal plan so that nights that will be difficult to manage alone are not foods like a fried chicken or something that needs constant tending or can be dangerous.

Second....:shifty I faked it til I made it.

[LovinBeingMommy]

:popcorn

[thrillofhope]

I cook nearly all my meals in the oven so I don't have to worry about that. If it's pasta or something I can usually turn the burner off and let the residual heat finish cooking it. I don't ever cook anything more complicated than that when I'm alone with the kids.

If I really need to handle the baby and need the toddler to stop "helping", she can stand on a stepstool at the sink and play in the running water, or I'll give her something like a bowl and spoons and some flour. It makes a mess later, but buys me some time for *now*. When all else fails at the dinnertime rush, TV. :blush

As far as triage, start the toddler on another, safer project and then go change the baby. Poopy diaper normally comes first, but not when a hot stove is involved.

Not that I'm an expert or anything. :shifty Just my opinion...

[Barefoot Bookworm]

Turn off the heat so meal doesn't burn, distract toddler with a movie or a toy that's normally off limits so he won't touch the stove, then change poopy diaper.

[3boysforme]

Second....:shifty I faked it til I made it.


I still feel like I am faking it. :bag


I usually deal with the kid that has the most annoying cry :shifty (and that would be the 2 y/o :shifty) I have serious audiosensory issues.

In your example; I would turn off dinner, change diaper (maybe get toddler to "help" by bringing wipes or something?), then occupy toddler.

[Calee]

Interesting that even in the "crisis" moment, we're all different!

It would depend on lots of factors, kind of. Is it possible to turn dinner off, get the kids settled, then come back? If yes, that is what I'd do. If not really, it would depend on how LONG until the dinner was done. I'd:

Move toddler to sink and give him things to wash.
If dinner will be finished within minutes/seconds, finish. If not, turn DOWN the dinner.
Hope I had a diaper immediately handy.
Change the diaper in the kitchen where I can keep one eyeball on the toddler who is now happily washing dishes.
Put baby back into bouncer, turn back up the dinner, and finish.

[Barefoot Bookworm]

True, I guess if dinner is going to be done in a few minutes or seconds, I'd finish it first.

[hopeforchange]

if the baby had just pooped...and dinner would be done in 5 minutes or less (or at least at a point where i could turn off the grease), i'd find something that i could quickly distract the toddler with, b/c he's the one that's in danger. then i'd finish that part of dinner, change the baby, and then finish dinner. i'd also talk as much as possible to the baby to let them know i was coming to get them asap.

i would also do like allison and try to plan things that are easy to cook or go in the oven, etc., when i'm home by myself with the kids. OR put on TV or something equally distracting if i needed to focus 100% on the food. :)

[Blue-EyedLady]

:ty

Ok, who else has a triage-type situation to share?

[PrincessAnika]

in our house....that would be toddler strapped into highchair with a cracker or toy (that can't do damage if/when thrown :giggle), finish dinner if minute or two then diaper, if longer than that turn down food, change diaper, finish dinner.
i like my crockpot for nights when i'm the only one home at cooking time - the kids are more easily occupied during the morning.

[Blue-EyedLady]

Ok, I had another situation this morning.

It's 6 AM. The alarm is set for 7. :yawn You've just spent the last 20 minutes trying to settle a fussy baby and he's finally falling back asleep, laying on your chest when the toddler comes in and starts shaking the bed. He announces in a loud voice "I have owies and poo-poo!" Which means you need to kiss owies and take care of a poopy diaper which is likely to be diarrhea (the kind that leaks out of the diaper onto the carpet). You've need to spend a good 20 minutes helping the baby fall asleep before you can leave him, but the toddler won't leave the room/be quiet enough for the baby to sleep. If you get up to change the diaper, the baby will scream.

Assume you're solo parenting once again. :)

[allisonintx]

baby goes into carrier on the back if possible, toddler gets cleaned up.

Alternately, baby screams while toddler gets cleaned up, then plunked into a carrier and hopefully nurses to sleep.

[thrillofhope]

For that one, I think baby would have to go in the swing until I could get the toddler cleaned up. Carriers just don't work for me when I actually have to *do* something besides walk. The swing usually keeps him relatively happy (or at least safe).

[hopeforchange]

what allison said. :yes

[Allison]

Situation #1--pro-activity prevents the need for triage in many situations. For that particular one with no pro-activity: Stove/oven turned down or off, distraction for toddler, diaper change.

Situation #2--Baby would have to scream. I couldn't change a toddler diarrhea diaper with a baby in a carrier, so he'd go in the swing. Clean toddler as quickly as possible and nurse baby to sleep.

And it is situation like these that had me feeling as if someone was playing a practical joke on me after my second child was born. It's these stupid-ridiculous everything-happening-at-once situations that make me not miss those days even one little bit. :shudder

Of course, now I'd have a 10 and 8 year old to stir dinner and distract the toddler. :giggle

[KCMartha]

:popcorn

Trying to learn here....

[Firebird Rising]

Subbing and laughing to see several single mamas involved. ;)

I have a few scenarios and suggestions, for when I'm on my big computer.

Have I mentioned I'm an EMT? I love triage. ;)

[Blue-EyedLady]

I figured the single mamas would have good insights. :yes Thankfully I'm not a single mama, but I do have to do a lot of solo parenting right now, and it's tougher than I ever imagined (and I have a pretty good imagination :shifty).

[Mum2Es]

:cup because I SUCK at those situations where both kids need me at the same time as well as dinner or something similiar. But I don't have a specific example right now.
Great thread, BEL, thanks!

[DoulaClara]

Well, if you want stories, I can share a time I had to triage, and it wasn't wonderful, but it had to be done.

Okay- it was 4 PM (so, you can imagine where everyone was emotionally) and Wednesday was on the potty, and Pugs was trying to "help" by trying to climb up onto her, so she was screeching. I went in there, removed him and put him in the living room, and when I did that, I saw that the dog had puked on the kitchen floor/ mat in front of the door. :sick I set him down and started to run for the cleaning supplies when I noticed Pugs making a rapid bee-line for the dog mess. So I had to put up the gate between the living room and kitchen, and dig right in to the dog mess (and I had to put the dog outside because she wanted to help, too.) Wednesday started yelling that she needed to be wiped, and Pugs clung to the gate and screamed and cried, and the dog barked her head off at the door. :doh:doh:doh So, I just talked to Pugs while I cleaned up a disgusting mess, kept reminding Weds that my hands were yucky and she needed to just sit and wait a bit (she was not a happy girl) and refrain from yelling at the dog. I cleaned everything up, threw the mat outside to be cleaned, washed my hands, picked up Pugs and brought him onto my side of the gate, and then cleaned off Weds (while Pugs clung to me and wept). :( It was CHAOS, it was loud, I'm sure my neighbors all thought we had screws loose, and dog, toddler and baby were all making a lot of unhappy noise by the end of it, but in the end, the baby stayed out of dog mess/ away from the toddler, ditto the toddler, and it all got done ASAP. :phew I don't know who had the toughest time.

[RealLifeMama]

Have I mentioned I'm an EMT? I love triage. ;)


:haha
I laughed out loud and about woke up my baby!
In spoiler so as not to derail the thread
Seriously, that is my line. Only, I *hate* triage. It is the absolutely most difficult thing for me with regard to having five children. It seems like it goes from calm to chaos in the blink of an eye! I have called DH many a time to tell him "I am so not good at this! If I had wanted to do triage, I'd have been an EMT! " and then he says :there "I know, that is not your inclination" and he does know, because when we started dating I was taking a First Responder class in college and I failed! :bag and that is totally his strong suit, so since we are married and are supposed to balance each other out, I am as terrible at it as he is good. :doh

Anyway, it does get easier. It really does. And it is OK for the baby to have to cry for a few minutes. It sounds terrible to say, and when I was just a mom of one and even two, I thought it was awful, awful, awful to not tend to a baby right away no matter what. I would always try to put the baby first because I was all "oh, but she is just a baby!" I can't tell you, though, how many times Baby H and Baby R just sat in a bouncer or on a blanket crying while I had to deal with toddler crisis. They are OK and very happy.

[Firebird Rising]

Today...

20 mth old in bathtub. Me in kitchen, with full view of said toddler. 10 minutes into the bath, baby looks up suspiciously. Upon full review of situation, I spot poopy floaties in water. Corn, bell peppers....

What do you do first? And next? What if the 3 yr old is in the front yard beating up the 5 yr old during all this?

---------- Post added at 09:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:38 PM ----------

Ok, I had another situation this morning.

It's 6 AM. The alarm is set for 7. :yawn You've just spent the last 20 minutes trying to settle a fussy baby and he's finally falling back asleep, laying on your chest when the toddler comes in and starts shaking the bed. He announces in a loud voice "I have owies and poo-poo!" Which means you need to kiss owies and take care of a poopy diaper which is likely to be diarrhea (the kind that leaks out of the diaper onto the carpet). You've need to spend a good 20 minutes helping the baby fall asleep before you can leave him, but the toddler won't leave the room/be quiet enough for the baby to sleep. If you get up to change the diaper, the baby will scream.

Assume you're solo parenting once again. :)

This is the short end of the stick for baby. And I hate that but it happens a lot. Probably would get up and change the dipe and then throw a movie in to keep the toddler busy, crash on the couch with baby and nap for a few more hours :shifty Just keep putting movies in :shifty over and over :shifty

---------- Post added at 10:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:44 PM ----------


Dinner is frying on the stove, and will burn if I leave it alone for a few minutes. The baby is crying because he's got a poopy diaper and is alone in the bouncy seat, and the toddler is trying to "help" with dinner, which is actually dangerous because oil keeps spitting out of the pan and could burn him. Everybody is tired and hungry, and there's no help (no DH, no neighbors etc.).

I would turn off the food, put it on a back burner.

Swoop up the toddler and airplane fly them under my arm (to distract them) and pick up baby under the other arm. We change diapers in the living room on the floor, so I'd be sitting in front of the only exit from the room to keep the toddler from escaping.

After diaper is done, kids go into the high chairs with finger foods (forgot how old the baby is though, sorry) and if they're satisfied, I finish dinner. If they're not, I just serve what has been made, or make quick sandwiches.

With a younger baby, learning to backcarry was essential for me to handle being alone with the biggers.

[3boysforme]

I never could figure out the back carry, and now Gage won't let me wear him.


I am trying to think of a specific example, but it is hard. Sometimes I feel like all my time at home is a "triage" situation, when there one of me and three of them it gets crazy.

[Blue-EyedLady]

My baby is only 4 months, and my toddler is 3.5, so no highchairs here atm. :)

Ok, next one. This is hypothetical, but not unreasonable, iykwim...

Baby is sleeping and toddler is playing outside. Peace and quiet reigns so you start working on a project - the kind of thing you can't leave out while the kids are around because they'll eat it or destroy it or something. :) The phone rings, and it's important - like the dr finally calling you back. You're grabbing a pen and paper to write down the important details when the baby wakes up and starts yelling. Right on cue, the toddler comes in the house, covered in mud that he mysteriously found in your yard despite the fact it hasn't rained for a month.

[3boysforme]

Ask Dr to hold, shoo toddler back outside, grab baby, and get Dr back on the line. Then hose off toddler and find out where the "mud" came from. I put mud in quotes because in my case it would be poo, not mud. :lol

[Stiina]

This is a GREAT thread. We'll be making the transition from one to two kids in January, and these are the kinds of things I'm terrified curious about.

[Allison]

Today...

20 mth old in bathtub. Me in kitchen, with full view of said toddler. 10 minutes into the bath, baby looks up suspiciously. Upon full review of situation, I spot poopy floaties in water. Corn, bell peppers....

What do you do first? And next? What if the 3 yr old is in the front yard beating up the 5 yr old during all this?




What do you do first? And next? What if the 3 yr old is in the front yard beating up the 5 yr old during all this?

Probably, when I shrieked "Ewwww! Poopies in the bathtub!!!", the older two would be distracted and want to see.

---------- Post added at 06:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:00 AM ----------

My baby is only 4 months, and my toddler is 3.5, so no highchairs here atm. :)

Ok, next one. This is hypothetical, but not unreasonable, iykwim...

Baby is sleeping and toddler is playing outside. Peace and quiet reigns so you start working on a project - the kind of thing you can't leave out while the kids are around because they'll eat it or destroy it or something. :) The phone rings, and it's important - like the dr finally calling you back. You're grabbing a pen and paper to write down the important details when the baby wakes up and starts yelling. Right on cue, the toddler comes in the house, covered in mud that he mysteriously found in your yard despite the fact it hasn't rained for a month.

You can't do projects like that when the children are awake . :shrug3 (And by that I mean, not until they are asleep for the night.) That's a one-child lesson.

Watch toddler out of the corner of my eye and shoo him from any carpeted areas. (Which would probably make mine tantrum.) Grab the baby and ask the dr to repeat whatever I couldn't remember or didn't catch.

There would be a mess to clean up after the call, I'd struggle to hear the dr over the tantrum, and the dr would be brief because he or she can hear the background noise. :giggle

[TraceMama]

Thank you for this thread! :heart

I was just thinking this weekend that I needed to start a thread about how tired I am of doing triage all.the.time. :sigh Somehow I still haven't figured it out and it rattles me on a regular basis. :bag I should also mention that I've got some sensory-sensitive issues that kick-in making it more interesting. :shifty

I do many dinner and bedtimes on my own (because dh is working) and dh is about to take an extended trip and I'll be on my own for 10 days. :nails

[RealLifeMama]

I am very easily rattled and feel very overwhelmed easily, also. I used to practically shut down!
Something that helps me is just to take a minute or less to breathe and regroup. When it is all seemingly falling down around you, 30 seconds likely won't make a huge difference (assuming we are not talking life/death issues, (child choking vs poopy baby is a no brainer). So, taking a short time to take a deep breath, realize that Jesus is right there with me and has not gone anywhere, and saying a short prayer (mine is usually something like "Oh, Lord Jesus, I am feeling so not cut out for this! Please guide me and help me, I can't do this alone!" before I dive in helps.

[BlessedBlue]

:rockon replies so far.

Don't do this: Have your own temper tantrum until your kids are totally focused on your tantrum and quit theirs. :bag

[Blue-EyedLady]

Tracey - DH was gone for a week in June and I was terrified. We cooked and froze food ahead of time so I didn't have to cook that week. It was difficult, but at the end of the week, no one was dead and the house was still standing, which was my goal. :lol But I don't want to live like that all the time, hence my need for this thread... ;)

---------- Post added at 09:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:25 AM ----------

:rockon replies so far.

Don't do this: Have your own temper tantrum until your kids are totally focused on your tantrum and quit theirs. :bag

'scuse me while I :lol

:hug

[Blue-EyedLady]

Next one:

Toddler is screaming and yelling and generally melting down over having the wrong plate for a meal. (Let's assume for the sake of argument that there's a good reason why you can't give him the other plate. ;) ) This wakes the baby, who was trying to nap in another room. Now both children are crying, and that just ramps up the toddler's meltdown to the place where he's totally out of control and might possibly self-injure.

If you could nurse the baby in a quiet place, he'd go back to sleep, but alas, the toddler's meltdown is mobile and a quiet place can't be found.

If the toddler would eat, his blood sugar would stabilize and the meltdown would begin to calm, but of course, he won't eat because the food is on the wrong plate. (Let's also assume that planning ahead wouldn't have solved the food problem because the normal meal/snack schedule has been followed.)

You can't attempt to restrain the toddler from self-injuring while holding the crying baby or the baby will get hurt. You know from experience that this sort of meltdown could be an hour or more, so you can't just leave the baby alone while you deal with the toddler.

(Tell me someone else has days like this??? :banghead)

[staceylayne]

I'd Ergo the baby, do lots of bouncing and shushing and throw the most tempting food I could find at the tantruming toddler. Maybe a cookie would help him regulate enough to come back to earth?

(This is just a guess...my 4yo doesn't have quite such intense meltdowns. At least not for an hour or more. :hugheart)

---------- Post added at 11:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:52 PM ----------

And yes, I've had days like that. But I've blocked the details from my memory for my own sanity. :yes

[Blue-EyedLady]

Tempting food (potato chips and meatloaf) is already on the table. ;) With the baby in a carrier, I'd be afraid of the toddler thrashing about and hitting him. Also that the toddler's screaming would hurt his ears as I try to hold/hug the toddler and calm him down.

[hopeforchange]

your toddler is 3.5, is that right? i can't remember if he's special needs or not, but with my dd, i would have shut her in her bedroom until she calmed down. :shrug3 or at least until i could get the baby happy in the swing and then go in and deal with dd.

FTR, at that age, dd's bedroom was my bedroom, she was used to going in there to calm down, and it was a room full of beds, so she could throw herself down, punch a pillow, etc.

[MomtoJGJ]

So am I the only person who yells "STOP!" (unless we are talking about the phone call, in which case I turn my back on the distractions, finish the phone call, and then figure everything out) ANyway, I yell STOP mainly so that it will remind me to actually think. Then I check in this order: danger, blood, need (bathroom for the 2yo goes here), want.

You need to get a good carrier like an Ergo and start strapping the baby on any time you want that one to sleep while you are awake. Or any other time. From my experience, it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE for the raging preschooler to touch the baby while the baby is on your back. You can bear hug them.

I also have learned that sometimes the baby is just going to have to cry. It's just not an effective means of triage to always or even most times to stop the baby crying before other things... baby crying and not being hurt is pretty near the bottom of my triage list now. And actually, after I got my Ergo, it went to not on there at all....

[Apple-Saucy]

3.5 year old tantrums for ridiculous reasons are not tolerated :shrug. (and having the wrong plate is a ridiculous reason to tantrum! As is having ketchup on the wrong side of the plate (btdt!) ) Said child is immedietly placed in their bedroom to cool down, They are told when they are able to speak calmly they can come out. In the meantime I deal with the baby and then may or may not attempt to remedy the "wrong plate" situation. FWIW I found that the more I attempt to comfort and remedy a tantrum the worse the tantrum becomes....I don't know why that is...but right around 2.5-3ish when the kids are starting to make the switch from toddler to preschooler my ability to soothe them goes out the window and I just agitate them more by trying to "help" :shrug3

[MomtoJGJ]

FWIW I found that the more I attempt to comfort and remedy a tantrum the worse the tantrum becomes....I don't know why that is...but right around 2.5-3ish when the kids are starting to make the switch from toddler to preschooler my ability to soothe them goes out the window and I just agitate them more by trying to "help" :shrug3

I agree... if it's a tantrum I ignore it. If I can't ignore it due to danger I move it and then ignore it.

[BlessedBlue]

Some more thoughts...

BEL in our FOO, tantrums and big feelings were NOT ALLOWED. I know that when I was starting out my career as a mom, I was trying to use more gentle ways to placate/calm the tantrums and big feelings, so that they wouldn't exist. :doh

I am constantly realizing that it isn't my job to keep ANYone happy. That my children must be allowed to have their BIG and little feelings and learn how to work through them. I know you started a good protocol with DS1 with the comfort corner and the Kimochi doll - would that have worked in this situation? It might be a good idea to go there with every big feeling every time. That's a predictable-type routine that he would be able to rely on, and start using on his own.

My 5yo has just started learning with me that every feeling does not need to be a 10. I help him identify his feeling ("I feel ..."), and then tell him that it's ok to feel sad, but this situation is really a 2 and not a 10. A 2 level sad sounds like (demonstrate acceptable emotion). ABoo thought that he HAD to be loudly obnoxious AND try to sound like a baby with ALL his feelings. (I'm sure the firecracker in the house modeling this behavior contributed a lot to the problem. I'm working on that angle.)

So, now, in a situation where I have all the kids upset, I decide which child is in greatest danger. Is the baby in danger? If the baby is simply awake, but the toddler is in threat of causing himself harm, the baby has to wait. Your job is not to placate the toddler, though. Maybe take him to the comfort corner with a bit of food wrapped in a napkin?

Do you use the "Rules for Being With People"? They would help him understand why tantruming at snack time results in leaving the area.

Rules for Being With People
1. Kind Words
2. Gentle/Nice Voice
3. Soft Touches

[Blue-EyedLady]

I have an Ergo. :yes Though at the moment it's in the laundry pile, covered in baby spit-up. :doh

The toddler is incapable of self-soothing. Locking him in a room would only escalate the tantrum. We do use the feelings doll with big emotions, but using it has only lengthened his elaborate routing for calming down. DH won't even use it because it frustrates him too much. :shrug

I've tried reflecting feelings, identifying them, talking about them instead of melting down, etc. and he has made exactly zero progress in this area.

[MomtoJGJ]

Reflecting feelings has never ever worked for my kids until they are older... it's JUST NOW starting to work with my #3 who will be 5 in October.

[BlessedBlue]

I've tried reflecting feelings, identifying them, talking about them instead of melting down, etc. and he has made exactly zero progress in this area.

:hug Long term solutions don't always bring short term progress. :hug

[Apple-Saucy]

The toddler is incapable of self-soothing. Locking him in a room would only escalate the tantrum. We do use the feelings doll with big emotions, but using it has only lengthened his elaborate routing for calming down. DH won't even use it because it frustrates him too much. :shrug

I've tried reflecting feelings, identifying them, talking about them instead of melting down, etc. and he has made exactly zero progress in this area.

1. I don't think he qualifies as a Toddler anymore ;) JMO But the child will be 4 years old in 4ish months. He's a preschooler.;)
2. Is he *really* incapable of self soothing, or has he become dependent on you to make everything better?
3. Escalation of a tantrum is normal...especially when they know they can't be seen...then they MUST be heard! IME Making sure Mom and Dad KNOW I'm upset about this...is at least 50% of the motivation behind a tantrum. ;)
4. The feelings doll may be a route he is using to "manipulate" more time from you using his tantrum. I know many of ya'll don't believe a young child can manipulate but IME by this age they most certainly can and do.
5. Instead of encouraging a long lengthy reflecting indentifying talking about feelings. A simple. "I see you are dissappointed that your favorite plate is not available to use right now. Your behavior is not nice. You will sit in your (room, comfort corner, coat closet etc) until you are calm, and can speak to me nicely" If he comes out claiming to be better and you sense that he's still upset send him back. Lots of hugs and talking AFTER the tantrum is over.

[MarynMunchkins]

Being unable to self-calm doesn't necessarily mean he can't go to his room. Sometimes it's about keeping people safe - which can mean getting him away from you.

Screaming happens. At my house, often. ;)

I treat food tantrums (caused by real need to eat) by giving dessert first. Since it's usually homemade with whole grains and raw sugar, it's fine.

[BlessedBlue]

BEL, another thought...

DS1 is an anxious child. He is also very perceptive to your moods. And you are very perceptive to his.

I wonder if you've got a negative feedback loop going. He gets upset, he senses you're upset about his upset (giving him confirmation that his upset is TRULY upsetting, and he becomes more upset because you've affirmed the truth of his upset AND because you're upset too).

I'm not saying you should start laughing in the face of his adversity. :no But maybe giving it less emotional focus? :think

[TraceMama]

DS1 is an anxious child. He is also very perceptive to your moods. And you are very perceptive to his.

I wonder if you've got a negative feedback loop going. He gets upset, he senses you're upset about his upset (giving him confirmation that his upset is TRULY upsetting, and he becomes more upset because you've affirmed the truth of his upset AND because you're upset too).



This is absolutely the case with me and ds1. :yes He's always fed off my stress, even as an infant! :yes2

It doesn't do anyone any favors here if I invalidate his feelings in any way, shape or form. :no It DOES help if I use neutral language to describe what he's feeling, even as I'm walking him to his room. :yes

I think the hardest thing for me to learn has been to disengage, because to me that feels like I'm trying to channel an automaton. :giggle However, when I do it successfully, it helps my ds1 the most. :yes

[Blue-EyedLady]

I feel that DS1 is truly unable to self-soothe. He's never done it yet, even when I leave him alone for lengthy periods. I haven't the first clue how to teach that, despite talking to multiple therapists about it. :scratch

I know he's almost 4, but he's developmentally about 2 in many ways (speech, gross motor, social/emotional). So that's why I still call him a toddler.

I don't engage his tantrums with emotions of my own :no (though DH does, and that's probably worth mentioning to him :think).

[TraceMama]

It took my oldest a LONG time to learn to self-soothe. :yes It's hard. :hug I think the best we can do is model it for them, teach them to take deep breaths, provide a routine for when they need to self-soothe, etc. However, all of that doesn't happen when triage is in effect. :no

IMO a 3yo is like a toddler in many ways, even if they're developmentally at age level. :shrug3 It's the age where they switch from asserting independence and doing well with it to melting down in a moment's notice like a much younger child. :) That's just 3. :shrug3

With my ds1, I didn't need to engage him with emotions of my own. :no :shrug3 His big feelings were enough that I felt uncomfortable, my own sensory issues and anxiety were pinged, and even if I kept all of that under control with a tight rein, my ds1 could *sense* my bp rising and that fed into his anxiety and the escalation of the situation. :shrug3

Also, when my ds1 was 3.5, I had a 6 month old. I thought my ds1 was already so grown up and such a "big boy", but looking back I realize he wasn't. :no I also realize in retrospect that I was dealing with some anxiety and PPD of my own. :sigh It helped me to read the thread about children being babies until they're 5 and adjusting my expectations for my oldest. I still struggle, by the way, to remember that my oldest is still only almost 8 and not expect him to act like a 10yo. :shrug

[Apple-Saucy]

I feel that DS1 is truly unable to self-soothe. He's never done it yet, even when I leave him alone for lengthy periods. I haven't the first clue how to teach that, despite talking to multiple therapists about it. :scratch

I know he's almost 4, but he's developmentally about 2 in many ways (speech, gross motor, social/emotional). So that's why I still call him a toddler.

I don't engage his tantrums with emotions of my own :no (though DH does, and that's probably worth mentioning to him :think).

:hug2 Mac took a very very long time to learn how to self soothe...no amount of me teaching him anything ever worked. He had to figure it out himself, that's a developmental thing that will come in time. Mac is 7 now but very much 4 He has autism with global developmental delays. I DO NOT treat him like a 4yr old. I treat him like a 7yr old, and expect him to act accordingly while allowing grace for trying times and his unique sensory and social/emotional challenges. It took me a long time to realize that I was not doing him any favors by treating him as a 2yr old when he was really 4. I adjusted my expectations and nudged and pushed and worked with him to get him to a place where I can expect him to act reasonably well when needed. It STINKS it really does...We did a LOT of do overs and A LOT of "You need to sit here and calm down" A LOT of tears and frustration and removing him from situations. When you're dealing with a child with special needs it is imperitive to have super duper strong boundaries irt behavior expections IMO. :hug2:hugheart