Why not "Big Boy/Big Girl"?

[raining_kisses]

I don't like to use it because we try not to label, period. What are your reasons for not using it?

(I know there was a thread on it a while back, feel free to post that here if you want. I couldn't find it for the life of me!)

[StoryOfGrace]

I agree with you about labeling! The thing that clinched not using "big boy" for me was when we were downtown with my in-laws, my MIL said very sweetly to a 3ish year old who was running into the street, "Oh! Be careful little boy! We don't want you to get hurt!" The boy turned on my MIL and screamed at the top of his lungs, "I'm NOT a LITTLE boy!!" Right then, I decided, I'm not going to tell my small child he is big when, really, he isn't.
I also don't want to use that label to pressure him to behave in a way that conflicts with him trying to express his feelings, KWIM?

[DoulaClara]

I think just because it's such a relative term. Like, "Bigger than what?" And the potential for it leading to shaming ("You're too big to cry like that," rather than dealing with whatever issue is going on, for example) and also leading to a kid deciding, "Well, if I'm a Big Girl now, I clearly am able to use the knives and toaster... at the same time." :lol (and that totally would have been me as a child.)

That's pretty much it- the subjectivity of the phrase, as well as the slippery-slope to using it to avoid whatever growth issue your child is working on. If I'm telling Weds (or Pugs) that they are a "Big Whatever" now, I'm filling their ears with useless words that aren't really addressing what I want to talk about. "You're learning to use the potty on your own!" and "Look at how you can hold your fork!" are specific to the topic; "You are such a big girl!" etc. is sort of something that means "Random, non-specific phrase here" to me.

[NovelMama]

Another reason I know a lot of people (including us) avoid it is because of the trap you can fall into of using that as a supposed reason for why they should/shouldn't do XYZ. "Big girls don't need to nurse" and that type of thing. Age has very little to do with whether or not a child can or can't/should or shouldn't do something.

[Delaney]

We do not use it at all. But my DS has picked it up somewhere along the way. He is often insisting that he is a big boy. It is hard to deal with because I am not sure where it came from. I just keep reminding him that it doesn't matter whether he is big or little, but that he is just as he is supposed to be and that yes, "you are growing bigger every day" because it is true.... he can reach the light switch now.

[Sundance]

:popcorn

Never thought much about it, 'til we were reading "One Morning in Maine" yesterday, and it said Sal was a big girl now b/c her tooth was lose. My 4 y/o is not losing teeth yet, and I could tell it made her sad :(

[NewMommy]

Uh, I use it. Is that bad? :scratch

[raining_kisses]

I really wish I could find the old thread, it had some great reasons to not use it. I searched for "big boy" and it said no matches. :scratch

[Sundance]

I think I read once on here somewhere that search doesn't work very well with such short phrases (I was trying to search an acronym of some sort, and it was coming back with 0 matches, too...even tho it was something I read on here every day)

[joysworld]

My ds is wondering if he really is a 'big boy' since he is 6 and hasn't lost any teeth.

I don't like it because it's always attached to an achievement, as if the child is 'little' or a baby because they haven't reached said achievement. And if 'big boy/girl' is a praise, then what would that make 'baby' or 'little girl/boy'?

Also, whenever I hear it, it's said in a manipulative way. 'Big boys/girls don't do xyz'.

[ArmsOfLove]

Over the years I noticed a direct connection between behavior issues in oldest (older) children and the arrival of a new sibling. Every time I would ask if they had begun using "big boy/girl" they had--and every time I suggested they stop and seek to intentionally let the older child be "little"--even emphasize that they are still your baby :heart--the behavior improved :yes

I think it's too much pressure added to an already emotional and intense time of transition.

[ThreeKids]

I often run across kids who get insulted when the subject of their size comes up and the intensity of it tells me that Big Boy/Big Girl is used as praise at least.

I've seen it used as blatant manipulation.
"You're not a baby, are you?"
"No! I big girl!"
"Then, [do what I just asked you to do]"


I didn't use it with ds, but he'd come across it occasionally. I didn't think he heard it often enough to affect him, but, when people would point out how thin he was, he would be on the verge of crying. He bawled once when dh told him to eat his food so he'll grow.

[mommychem]

I definitely dislike the possibility of someone using it as manipulation to get my DC to do what they want them to do, and since it is such a generic phrase, I think children can be easily deceived by "superficial" praise. I'd hate to think that I helped set them up for abuse.

[mokamoto]

Another reason I know a lot of people (including us) avoid it is because of the trap you can fall into of using that as a supposed reason for why they should/shouldn't do XYZ. "Big girls don't need to nurse" and that type of thing. Age has very little to do with whether or not a child can or can't/should or shouldn't do something.

ITA! :heart

[StoryOfGrace]

Over the years I noticed a direct connection between behavior issues in oldest (older) children and the arrival of a new sibling. Every time I would ask if they had begun using "big boy/girl" they had--and every time I suggested they stop and seek to intentionally let the older child be "little"--even emphasize that they are still your baby :heart--the behavior improved :yes

I think it's too much pressure added to an already emotional and intense time of transition.


This!!

I've seen people try to force their older child to stop "being the baby" and suddenly act like the big kid over night, and it breaks my heart! As my DH and I are getting closer to TTC again, I keep making mental note of the things I won't do to my DS when we do have our next child. I do know one thing, I'm going to be snuggling that boy as often as possible. He'll always be my baby! :heart