I'm not sure if this fits here...

[NewMommy]

Or in another forum, so if it would fit better somewhere else, by all means, please move it.

As many of you have figured out by now, I am a step-parent to my little girl. I am in the middle of the process of adopting her, and this action has seemed to put an air of stability on all of us. Until yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon, my little one overheard her Daddy and I having some sharp words. :bag Last night, she woke up crying and calling for us. She'd had a nightmare that I had left them like my husband's ex had. :cry My poor baby! She spent the rest of the night between us, and I've spent most of my time since then trying to reassure her that sometimes grown ups fight, but that her Daddy and I love her more than anything, and that I am not going anywhere.

I'm only 23, so maybe some of you more experienced moms can help me out. Is there anything special I should be doing about this that I'm not thinking of? My husband and I feel bad, and we're going to try to see to it that we work out issues with a civil tongue from now on.

[mamajane]

I don't have any specific advice or experience, but just wanted to offer hugs.:hug2. I think time is the greatest healer, and that it may just take time for her to gain confidence that you're for keep. Please don't feel guilty over causing her distress, we all have hard moments, but bravo for wanting to spare her any more stress right now.

[NewMommy]

I don't have any specific advice or experience, but just wanted to offer hugs.:hug2. I think time is the greatest healer, and that it may just take time for her to gain confidence that you're for keep. Please don't feel guilty over causing her distress, we all have hard moments, but bravo for wanting to spare her any more stress right now.
Thanks for the :hug2. I'm still kind of learning how to be a mom. :shrug3

[mamajane]

Thanks for the :hug2. I'm still kind of learning how to be a mom. :shrug3
How old is your daughter?

[NewMommy]

How old is your daughter?
She's six years old. I married her Daddy when she was four.

[mamajane]

She's six years old. I married her Daddy when she was four.
Well, if that's the first time you've had sharp words in front of her, you're doing really well! We're all learning how to be a mama all the time. :)
Not sure if this applies to your situation, but I think it may help for you to tie your staying together to your belief that God made marriage to be forever, and explain that her mommy didn't know (or care) what God's plan for marriage is. And explain (if it's true) that you two will never get divorced because you want to live His way, not the world's way.

[NewMommy]

Oh, we've had a couple of spats in the last two years. I guess that's how we know we're a normal couple. :giggle

[NewMommy]

Well, if that's the first time you've had sharp words in front of her, you're doing really well! We're all learning how to be a mama all the time. :)
Not sure if this applies to your situation, but I think it may help for you to tie your staying together to your belief that God made marriage to be forever, and explain that her mommy didn't know (or care) what God's plan for marriage is. And explain (if it's true) that you two will never get divorced because you want to live His way, not the world's way.
My husband and I certainly don't plan on getting divorced. I don't know if it's a good idea to bring up her "first mommy" (I still think it's hilarious, but that's what she calls her, since she calls me "mommy") because it sounds kind of like bad mouthing this woman that I've only met once, but the rest sounds like a good idea.

[mamajane]

My husband and I certainly don't plan on getting divorced. I don't know if it's a good idea to bring up her "first mommy" (I still think it's hilarious, but that's what she calls her, since she calls me "mommy") because it sounds kind of like bad mouthing this woman that I've only met once, but the rest sounds like a good idea.
Yeah, you wouldn't want to bad mouth, but I know that my kids feel very secure in my husband's and my marriage, even though marriages around us are falling apart, because they know that our staying together is based on knowing and choosing to follow God's way, and they know that other people don't know those ways. You could say her first mommy didn't know better, but you do.

[NewMommy]

Yeah, you wouldn't want to bad mouth, but I know that my kids feel very secure in my husband's and my marriage, even though marriages around us are falling apart, because they know that our staying together is based on knowing and choosing to follow God's way, and they know that other people don't know those ways. You could say her first mommy didn't know better, but you do.
She knows the basics of God's plan for a man and a woman to be together. Maybe it's time for more reassurance about it.

[Aerynne]

That happened with me and my dh a few weeks ago and my kids were really confused and very sad. They're not step kids or anything, but they still didn't like it. And it's not like we were yelling at each other. Your dsd will be fine. :hug

[swimming with sharks]

In Nutureshock they wrote that hearing parents argue was hard on kids but whether they heard them work it out/makeup or whether the argument was taken somewhere else was REALLY the important part. Kids that heard it get worked out and saw that both parties were ok handled the fight better overall. :shrug3 I thought it was interesting to note. :hugheart I think reassuring your dd that you love her and aren't going anywhere is a good step. :heart

[NewMommy]

My husband and I have made up since then (it was a stupid argument to begin with), and that has seemed to do a lot in the way of reassuring her.

[cro]

I'm still kind of learning how to be a mom. :shrug3:hug We all are. ;)

I'm pretty sure dd's reaction was a normal one - step-parent or no. I think she's reached the age where she's starting to piece things together -- applying logic to her sense of cause/effect. :shrug3 fwiw, when I was a kid, any time I overheard my parents argue, I'd lie in bed all night worrying that they'd get divorced. They were married for 30 yrs before my mom died. :heart

[nessnco]

I have 4 adult children and I'm now raising my 8 year old step daughter and her insecurities from her mum really interfere with the way she peceives my actions and reactions.

When I parented my kids, they knew no matter what I was always going to be there and I was on there side.

Sadly my darling angel thinks I'll stop loving her if she makes a mistake. I've known her for 2 years (we got custody of her quite suddenly, permanently 2 weeks ago).

I think because of the way God has connected mother and child that when that connection is destroyed it does leave a child feeling unwanted/unloved.

I agree with the comments about ensuring she knows you won't separate and your love for her is never going to stop which is probably what she feels about her birth mum.

Last night my angel called herself stupid and I told her she can't be because God created her and she's exactly how he planned her and she said but if my mum doesn't love me I must be. (The reason I'm saying this is because she's a bit older and may have more words to describe how she feels and the concept may be something to be aware of.) :hug2