How do you build a strong work ethic in your children?

[Katigre]

I've been thinking about this lately, because it's an important value in our family that I want to be part of our parenting/teaching. If I look long-term to what my children are like when they are 30, I hope that they will have the following character traits (in the specific area of work ethic/perseverance). I am starting to believe that these patterns of living get established early in life through the home environment, and I'd love to hear from other people about what you think of these things - are they inborn or can they be taught? How do you model and have your children practice the initial baby steps of them at younger ages? :)

1. Hard-working - they keep going even when it's a challenge, they don't stop at the first difficulty, they get the job done

2. Persevering - failure does not make them quit something forever, it means learning from mistakes and moving on to the future

3. Teachable - I want them to be open to hearing from others' feedback and changing behavior/attitude/approach based on that, while tempering natural defensiveness (especially if it's for a job review from a respected boss, for example)

4. Knowing the balance of standing up for yourself/others and self-centered entitlement. (i.e., Knowing what is a true deal-breaker vs. what is just an annoyance to be worked through without bailing on the situation/organization/relationship)

5. Motivation - having a drive to get things done to accomplish what is meaningful for you. This is the one I'm foggiest about, because I don't know how much of this is family environment vs. individual personality (in my FOO all of us were really motivated and made things happen for our lives, even though we are different personalities).

[bolt.]

I think that children, while they are children, don't need to be pressured towards a 'work ethic' -- work ethic is kind of a self-esteem thing. It's an 'I'm a good and valuable person because...' sort of personal criteria.

Maybe I was over-pressured towards it though.

1-2. Sometimes I think it's wise to stop when something is difficult (and try another day, but only if it's actually a task of importance, but there aren't many tasks of actual importance in childhood), and possibly recognize that it may be developmentally difficult, and it might be a sinch (cinch?) next year. I also think it's wise to play to our own strengths and passions, rather than using perseverence in some areas that just don't suit us.

3. Teachable is pretty easy to cultivate simply by being 'safe' when you teach and correct them, since that's a thing that we do a lot as parents. Comfort them that they don't need to be defensive etc.

4. That's a skill that takes a lot of fine distinctions and skills of perception. It's kind of a trial and error thing -- probably something to be walking-through in real life with teens in kind of a coaching/narrating role. At younger ages, maybe start building vocabulary?

5. Motivation varies from person to person, and I don't think it's a bad thing to be just content with a situation that is good-enough, instead of being driven to improve it and/or get somewhere better. If you have a child that isn't very motivated to accomplish or change things, I think you might want to honour that ((Remember, what's meaningful to some people is 'just enough to have stability and peace without striving'.)) while also 'narrating' a concept like, "If it's OK the way it is, to you, then it is going to stay that way. If you are not OK with that, it will take effort. Let me know if you want to make a plan with me." (And the opposite, "It's not changing because you are not changing it. If you are not pleased, that's supposed to move you forwards.")

---

I think what I'm saying is that 'work ethic' might be more of a cultural value than something that is fundamentally good... so I take it with a grain of salt. Your opinion may differ.

If you are going to go with those as your family values, be sure to also include ideas like self-care, spiritual practices, stress management, and Christian obligations to family, Church, lost, etc.

[MudPies]

Subbing, and i think that i am defining work ethic as a willingness to work for things, rather than expect them to be handed to you. Not necessarily a workaholic mindset.

[racheepoo]

Subbing to come back later. Suffice it to say I believe this are not necessarily inborn or even seen in childhood.

[LoveIsGentle]

:cup

[Katigre]

I think what I'm saying is that 'work ethic' might be more of a cultural value than something that is fundamentally good... so I take it with a grain of salt. Your opinion may differ.
What I described in the OP is a cultural value - parenting is largely culturally-based IMO ;). And I believe that what I described above is part of what it will take for my children to be equipped to succeed in our particular culture. But 'success' doesn't mean 'make $100,000/year and live in a posh suburb in a comfortable bubble.' :no :no :no It means that they have the skills and opportunities to pursue their gifts and passions that God has given them. That they are able to make a difference in their sphere of influence, to be healthy emotionally/relationally, and to work hard at what they pursue - seeing it through long-term. If they desire to be a doctor that will take all of the things I described above, same goes for being a pastor or a SAHP or a small business owner or an expat abroad. :shrug I can't really think of anything worthwhile that wouldn't require those skills or where the opposite of those skills would be ideal.

1-2. Sometimes I think it's wise to stop when something is difficult (and try another day, but only if it's actually a task of importance, but there aren't many tasks of actual importance in childhood), and possibly recognize that it may be developmentally difficult, and it might be a sinch (cinch?) next year. I also think it's wise to play to our own strengths and passions, rather than using perseverence in some areas that just don't suit us.
:think I really disagree with this, because I have seen in my own DS (and in myself) that there is value in making him keep at something that he thinks is too difficult. I coach him through it and give encouragement, breaking it down into steps as necessary - I don't throw him to the wolves by any means :no. But we've got a strong belief in our family that 'when things are difficult, you work hard at it until it becomes easy' (this is for things that are within his ability but challenging).

As a result, DS has internalized that to mean 'hard things mean you have to do it a bunch of times until it is easier for you' which is something I think is important :yes. I see far too many people who give up at the first sign of difficulty because they believe that things in life should be easy/effortless if they're good at them, and that hard things should be avoided. I don't want that to be a trap I encourage by my parenting :no.

DS's confidence in himself has really soared as he's seen how much he is able to do that he didn't think he could (naturally cautious first-born child, NOT a natural risk taker in the least ;)). Encouraging him to take risks and keep going when it's not easy is a counterbalance to his inborn cautious/comfort tendencies, and it's stretched him and made it easier for him to try things that are hard as he goes along.

[cbmk4]

Great question, Katigre.

While I could have used some balance, perhaps, when it comes to my hardworking nature, I do wish, sometimes, that my children had a tad more drive than what they seem to demonstrate now.

I was taught, you don't play until the work is done; if it's worth doing at all, it's worth doing right; if you see something that needs to be done, pitch in until the job is finished, etc. My children (at least my teens) don't operate by these maxims. They seem to think that even if a better result was obtainable, mostly good will suit. If they could have gotten a 100% on a test, but didn't feel like studying anymore, that a 90% is just fine. After a meal, they will usually remember to clear their own plates, but they may or may not make it into the dishwasher. The condiments, serving bowls and spilled food on the table will be left for me or their father to clean up unless I specifically call them back to help. Dh has said it many times, "If you see us still cleaning up, pitch in to help until the job is finished."

I guess you can see that this is a sore subject for me. I do not wish to pass on my sometime unhealthy perfectionism, but I am requiring more chores of my younger three children, than what I did from my first.

As far as the motivation thing goes, I do believe that is almost entirely a personality thing, but I have seen that when my kids have a small taste of success (reaching a personal goal or accomplishing/creating something new) that that success further feeds their motivation to try again. I think as long as children are reared in a positive environment with supportive parents, motivation comes from within.

As much as I occasionally feel frustrated when I think my kids could have done better on some household job or school project, I do try very hard for their work to be theirs entirely. They take the credit, receive the grade, feel the sense of satisfaction for their efforts. I am not naturally very effusive when it comes to expressing praise, but I do reflect to them that I'm sure they are pleased/happy/proud with a job well-done. Thus, I think the motivation is more likely to be more from them internally and less from trying to please me, externally.

I wonder if I'm making sense, tonight, being rather tired...

Will follow along for others' ideas.

[L-Boogie]

:cup

[NewMommy]

Teach by example. If you want to teach motivation, be motivated. If you want to teach perseverence, persevere. Most of the rest will take care of itself.

[Tengokujin]

I am certainly an "in the trenches" mother in this area, but I try to verbalize what I am working and struggling with in terms of perseverance, "I don't want to do this but I will", etc. Teaching/illustrating by example, but with talking about it.

I also try to point out what I observe in DS1's behavior and development that shows a good work ethic, ability to work through failure to improve, etc. He seems to appreciate when I bring it to his attention how much he improved in an area and how hard it was in the beginning.

[Emerald Orchid]

:cup

[racheepoo]

I'm going to break up your post into sections Katigre, because it's easier for me to stay on topic that way :giggle

I've been thinking about this lately, because it's an important value in our family that I want to be part of our parenting/teaching. If I look long-term to what my children are like when they are 30, I hope that they will have the following character traits (in the specific area of work ethic/perseverance). I am starting to believe that these patterns of living get established early in life through the home environment, and I'd love to hear from other people about what you think of these things - are they inborn or can they be taught? How do you model and have your children practice the initial baby steps of them at younger ages? :)

First, I would ask you--what if your children want to develop different character traits, or do not find yours as important in their own lives as you do? I am all for modeling, practicing, and guiding while they are in your house, but I think this can lead to the expectation that your children just WILL be/do what you have modeled. Kwim? It doesn't work that way some of the time, and perhaps it's placing an if/then message somewhere in them too.

My home environment was everything you mentioned below except #4 (boundaries weren't really a consideration in my FOO). So, I will address those points and how my childhood changed me into not believing these things are taught, but rather inborn--but can be further developed even if not naturally inborn.


1. Hard-working - they keep going even when it's a challenge, they don't stop at the first difficulty, they get the job done

Who sets the importance of the job? If they are doing it simply to obey you, that is not intrinsic motivation. I believe a lot of this is personality. There are some types that will not stop with difficulty, and in fact are spurred to greatness because of difficulty. For others, they give up and move on to something else. Is that bad? No. It's just different. So, it's too much of a blanket expectation that they will be hardworking about everything. Our culture is EXTREMELY skewed toward success. Some people take this to an unhealthy level. If you are working 8 hours, they will work 12. For them, it's "getting the job done." But I might look at the same task, and call 4 hours "getting the job done." I firmly believe this can be modeled, but that the intrinsic motivation for whatever "the job" is is set from birth.

2. Persevering - failure does not make them quit something forever, it means learning from mistakes and moving on to the future

Unless they can't move on until they master it. Unless mistakes paralyze them. Unless they feel like failures themselves unless they are perfect. :shrug With a child like that, modeling scripting, and teachable moments are very important, but you can't reset their internal dialogue for them. It will be a life-long learning process.

3. Teachable - I want them to be open to hearing from others' feedback and changing behavior/attitude/approach based on that, while tempering natural defensiveness (especially if it's for a job review from a respected boss, for example)

This is an admirable goal, but not one that I believe most children have the maturity to fully comprehend or develop well into their 20's. Especially with some personality types, the best you might do is to have them keep their thoughts/feedback to themselves when criticized because they have to do so to keep their job. I am sensitive to the point of tears when criticized, and always have been. It does not mean I am not teachable :no it simply means I respond differently than someone else might, and have to be aware of it in myself. I don't believe in the words "constructive criticism" because it's ALL criticism. Kwim? I get to choose how to filter it. I didn't learn how to do this until the last 3-4 years. I'm 37. :yes

4. Knowing the balance of standing up for yourself/others and self-centered entitlement. (i.e., Knowing what is a true deal-breaker vs. what is just an annoyance to be worked through without bailing on the situation/organization/relationship)

Again, this will be different for every person and every personality. A deal breaker for you might look very differently than one for me. I agree that good boundaries can be taught, and I would suggest lots of scripting when natural situations are encountered where boundaries can be crossed. I think it is the job of your 20's to be self-centered and entitled....almost a developmental phase that must be lived through, and everyone comes through it differently. It's a fine line between requiring children to hide how they really feel because you do not approve, and teaching them to be aware of self-entitlement (especially when their peer group is going through it at the same time).

5. Motivation - having a drive to get things done to accomplish what is meaningful for you. This is the one I'm foggiest about, because I don't know how much of this is family environment vs. individual personality (in my FOO all of us were really motivated and made things happen for our lives, even though we are different personalities).

I do not believe this can be taught. I believe it can be enforced at home, modeled by parents, and reinforced as important. Successful motivation is intrinsic, and in fact extrinsic motivation from other sources generally breaks down over time or creates affirmation junkies. Of course we're motivated in extrinsic ways all the time (paychecks/bonuses come to mind) but the reason we get up to go to work has to come from us. This can also be a shame/guilt message from FOO. You WILL succeed or else. And when parents are highly motivated and successful, sometimes children will be so in order to get approval, whether they are really being true to their own level of motivation or not.

Just a personal note that many people here have heard before. I'm the youngest of 11, very much babied by my siblings and enabled to drift around and dabble at the many shiny things I could do well. I was also given an ultra-perfectionistic outlook on life by my parents, so combined with my "failure" to get motivated and succeed by other people's standards, it lead to serious self-esteem issues, risky behaviors, and rootlessness. This lasted until I was 25. Then, something clicked inside me. It had NOTHING to do with my circumstances, people in my life, or anything external. It was simply time. And now, people who know me IRL say I am extremely motivated, driven, and ambitious. That was always there, but it didn't look like it for a very long time. :hug

[graciousmomma]

:cup

[April G]

Interesting topic... My brother and I have always said our dad instilled a strong work ethic in us through modeling reliability, honesty, and thoroughness. We both exhibit those characteristics in our work. We have three sisters who also had the same modeling from dad. One sister has stayed in a truly awful relationship because he makes good money and she doesn't have to work (her words, not mine), the other two have a criminal record for theft and can't hold down a job to save their life.

I think my point is that it is your job as a parent to model a good work ethic (as well as any other characteristics you value), but you have no control over whether or not your children will develop the same value for those things... :hug That's sort of between them and God... :shrug3

[Katigre]

Thanks so much for your response :hug. i'm going to break it up into sections to respond as well (out of order in some cases).

This is an admirable goal, but not one that I believe most children have the maturity to fully comprehend or develop well into their 20's. Especially with some personality types, the best you might do is to have them keep their thoughts/feedback to themselves when criticized because they have to do so to keep their job.
Of course it's a life-long learning process :yes - that's why I said those are traits I would hope to see at age 30, not that I would expect from a 5 year old ;). The baby steps toward those traits start now IMO, but they aren't fully honed for decades. My desire is that my kids grow into the strongest/healthiest/most balanced aspects of who they intrinsicly are, not that they all be some sort of clone :no.

Who sets the importance of the job? If they are doing it simply to obey you, that is not intrinsic motivation.
It's not about obeying me, it's about them finding competence and knowing they can do it, and that builds their confidence and self-esteem. [Not to mention that internal motivation is a slow-growing thing, it's not something a K'er possesses by any means] The exhultation DS feels after conquering an obstacle is part of building that internal motivation as he grows. My role is to be a coach that shows him the obstalce is not impossible and that I'll help him work through it. Each time he does that, he realizes more and more that he CAN do it and that someday he won't need me to help him. It's a process.

Unless they can't move on until they master it. Unless mistakes paralyze them. Unless they feel like failures themselves unless they are perfect.
Those things are exacerbated by the messages children receive as they grow. If a child is raised in a non-shaming home where high standards are NOT synonymous with perfectionism, then they can learn in little steps how to handle those natural tendencies so by the time they are in their 20's they have the tools and practice to handle them capably. Their parents will have modeled and taught them healthy self-talk to work through failure, been a safe person to cry with who reaffirmed their dignity and worth inspite of mistakes, been a motivating friend/parent who encouraged them to keep on going and that the work was worth it in the long run, etc... They won't have to learn that from scratch at 25 years old.

This can also be a shame/guilt message from FOO. You WILL succeed or else. And when parents are highly motivated and successful, sometimes children will be so in order to get approval, whether they are really being true to their own level of motivation or not.
I think the way you are framing this is really negative - as if people who are hard workers and successful are unintentionally shaming their children. Both of my parents are highly successful/motivated (INTJ dad + ESFJ mom :shifty) but were also very GBD in their parenting. The consistent message I received from them was this: God has given you talents and abilities - work your hardest with integrity and follow your passions and giftings. We believe in you and that you will accomplish what you set out to do. We're so proud of you and who you are growing to be as a person." That's still the message my siblings and I receive from them today :shrug. Maybe it's that my parents were determined not to pass on the shame they felt in their own FOO to the next generation, or that they believed in expectations individual to each child, but I feel like they had the 'high standards, you're capable, we're going to give you lots of opportunities to do things on your own and believe in you' balance pretty well. There was no shame or 'measure up' mentality in our home :think. [My siblings and I also had a lot more responsibility/expectations/freedom as teens than our friends and were treated like adults at home by the time we were 16ish, so that probably factors into why we were able to move into real adulthood with more ease - we started the process younger than our peers did. Even my youngest sibling as the baby of the familly was not treated as 'the baby' but was given expectations and responsibilities like the rest of us :shrug].

[racheepoo]

Sounds like you have a great handle on it :shrug I didn't mean to imply that every child of parents with lots of motivation would pass along shame messages. Just that some will. :shrug If you wanted to work at a meaningless job for the rest of your life--just part-time to pay the rent, making beautiful art that never sold (and that you didn't want to make a living selling) and barely scraping by and needing state assistance to pay all your bills, would your parents consider that you had done your best and were successful? I know, personally, several people who are extremely happy with that sort of life. They do consider that working their hardest with integrity. Kwim? I'm just saying that those goals are highly personal-most people looking at those parents would say they have failed raising their kids to be motivated, ambitious, hard-working, or unentitled. I don't think that's a word. But I'm leaving it in :giggle The parents feel a great deal of shame about it because they "didn't raise them to be that way." I think that is more the norm, and not what it sounds like your FOO is all about (which sounds incredibly balanced and healthy).

[gentlemommy]

1-2. Sometimes I think it's wise to stop when something is difficult (and try another day, but only if it's actually a task of importance, but there aren't many tasks of actual importance in childhood), and possibly recognize that it may be developmentally difficult, and it might be a sinch (cinch?) next year. I also think it's wise to play to our own strengths and passions, rather than using perseverence in some areas that just don't suit us.

I really disagree with this, because I have seen in my own DS (and in myself) that there is value in making him keep at something that he thinks is too difficult. I coach him through it and give encouragement, breaking it down into steps as necessary - I don't throw him to the wolves by any means . But we've got a strong belief in our family that 'when things are difficult, you work hard at it until it becomes easy' (this is for things that are within his ability but challenging).

As a result, DS has internalized that to mean 'hard things mean you have to do it a bunch of times until it is easier for you' which is something I think is important . I see far too many people who give up at the first sign of difficulty because they believe that things in life should be easy/effortless if they're good at them, and that hard things should be avoided. I don't want that to be a trap I encourage by my parenting .


:think I've been mulling this over and I think I agree with both of you. I liked what bolt said about working hard on tasks of importance and focusing on our strengths and passions. The truth is that we're not going to be good at everything. We won't succeed at everything. And I think it's *vital* that our kids know that that's perfectly okay and normal. :yes :heart

I personally do not think it's healthy to have an expectation that you must work hard at *everything* you do until it becomes easy, and until you succeed (I'm not saying you have that expectation katigre, I'm just expanding on my own thoughts here.) I think that would lead to people becoming exhausted perfectionists who feel they must succeed at all costs, and why? To please others. To meet *other's* expectations. Or to prove to themselves that they are worthy. If your self-esteem is all wrapped up in what you can *do* and how well you can *perform,* especially in order to please others and meet *their* expectations, then I do not feel that is healthy. :no

We all have a limited amount of time and energy and I think it's wise to focus on our strengths and interests as much as possible, rather than exhaust ourselves doing things that are of no interest or importance to us, or things that just do not suit our personality, simply for the sake of "perseverance."

At the same time, I think it's important to encourage our kids to persevere and help them overcome obstacles. :yes I personally focus on encouraging my dd to keep trying, rather than forcing her to keep trying. I don't want her to do xyz to please me, to make me proud, or because someone else thinks it's important for her to do. :think When she sees the value in something, the importance in something, when she really wants to succeed at a task, she is internally motivated and even when she encounters difficulty, she keeps coming back to it over and over. Because *she* wants to figure it out. And when she does, you can just *feel* how proud she is of herself, and how much it means to her. :heart She takes ownership of the activity and ownership of the success because it was important to *her* to succeed at that task. If I had taken over, and more or less forced her to do it, she'd probably just feel more relieved to be done with it. :shrug3

FWIW, I come from a family full of overachievers (none of my siblings ever got a B on their report card, and neither did I.) We didn't really speak of motivation, success, perseverance, etc. in my family. It was just an unspoken expectation. And I honestly think it was really unhealthy and damaging. :yes2 Looking back, I wasted so much time "excelling," and had so little time, effort, or energy for the truly important things in life. :(

---------- Post added at 02:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:46 PM ----------

It's not about obeying me, it's about them finding competence and knowing they can do it, and that builds their confidence and self-esteem. [Not to mention that internal motivation is a slow-growing thing, it's not something a K'er possesses by any means] The exhultation DS feels after conquering an obstacle is part of building that internal motivation as he grows.

This is really interesting to me. Why do you feel a 5yo doesn't have internal motivation? I think internal motivation is something we're born with that should be respected and honored, not something that is "built" with the assistance of others. :think


My role is to be a coach that shows him the obstalce is not impossible and that I'll help him work through it. Each time he does that, he realizes more and more that he CAN do it and that someday he won't need me to help him. It's a process.

:yes I agree with this.

[DancingWithElves]

well, i didn't read all the replies, but it depends on what one believes to be a strong work ethic. for some people, in my personal opinion, it means doing something you may hate, as long as it pays, even if it's unethical, even if it kills your soul, at the expense of your marriage, ministry, etc. etc. so, just the definition of "work ethic" is something for sure taught by example and learned from experience.

what i do i watch adults that fail, and adults that cope, and adults that thrive. and what i learned is this:

-raising emotionally and physically healthy kids has *everything* to do with it
-being aware of your kids' needs and teaching them the same awareness of your and others' needs is very important. empathy falls here too.
-in developmentally-appropriate ways, teaching about the 'real world' and how it works. where food comes from. who makes the goods we use. where money comes from. what poverty is, the levels and causes for it. what prosperity is. what stewardship is.

We are all so different. even basic personality traits can cause us to disagree on what productivity and work ethic is. my p-ness can come across as lack of organization, not being able to get things done :no i can be very productive and it's *very* seldom that i see someone who can work as quickly and efficiently as i do. and in turn, the thorough and deliberate types, mainly j's, but some p's too, can seem lazy and unproductive to me :shrug

but those building blocks i talked about above are what i believe is required for adults who *function*, work in a way that is meaningful to them, which is what matters. :)

i have heard a study that talked about the difficulty that some adults had in holding down a job. these adults grew up without seeing their caregivers get up at a certain time, get ready, and get themselves to work. these simple things that were missing from their lives in early childhood, supposedly resulted in learning deficit and great difficulty functioning in daily lives. i think, that an adult that does not get up and get to work of some sort (at home or out of home) every day will also do some other things that will predispose the child to some unhealthy patterns in life, so, i think the study was not perfect.

[Maggirayne]

:popcorn

[abh5e8]

i didn't have time to read them all...but 1 comment: i think it is an outstanding skill to have the ability to discern how much "is enough." as someone who grew up making all A's, nothing less then 100 was good enough, and so on, I consider it only the grace of God that opened my eyes (not until my post-college education) to the fact that yes while i COULD make 100% on everything, the cost that would require was too great. i learned how to study and achieve what was good enough for my goals, calling and professional plans, and had the peace to let go of the perfectionistic mindset i had the first 25 years of my life :wink

i think children will learn what we model...nagging never works. but ultimately it is not ME i want them to model and pattern their lives after...it is Christ. i hope my life points them to Christ, but the gospels are where we go, even now, to teach and learn and discuss what our days on this earth should look like. I pray every day for my children, and for myself, that my life may point them to Jesus. and we pray for discernment, for all of us, among that which is truly worth our time, energy and devotion and that which is the chaff the world chases.

good topic for discussion op!!

[cbmk4]

It's not about obeying me, it's about them finding competence and knowing they can do it, and that builds their confidence and self-esteem. [Not to mention that internal motivation is a slow-growing thing, it's not something a K'er possesses by any means] The exhultation DS feels after conquering an obstacle is part of building that internal motivation as he grows. My role is to be a coach that shows him the obstalce is not impossible and that I'll help him work through it. Each time he does that, he realizes more and more that he CAN do it and that someday he won't need me to help him. It's a process.


Those things are exacerbated by the messages children receive as they grow. If a child is raised in a non-shaming home where high standards are NOT synonymous with perfectionism, then they can learn in little steps how to handle those natural tendencies so by the time they are in their 20's they have the tools and practice to handle them capably. Their parents will have modeled and taught them healthy self-talk to work through failure, been a safe person to cry with who reaffirmed their dignity and worth inspite of mistakes, been a motivating friend/parent who encouraged them to keep on going and that the work was worth it in the long run, etc... They won't have to learn that from scratch at 25 years old.


I think the way you are framing this is really negative - as if people who are hard workers and successful are unintentionally shaming their children. ].[/QUOTE]

This was what I was trying to say last night but was not nearly so eloquent. I admit that there have been stages of my life that I have struggled with perfectionism, yet I don't think that hard, diligent work and perserverance=perfectionism. I am very blessed to have a dh who is a very hard worker but is also a great relaxer (if that's even a word!) He has helped balance me out and together I think we have been fairly successful, so far, with having high but attainable expectations for our children, not because they need to perform to be loved or accepted by us, but because we recognize their high potential and want them to feel their own satisfaction with working well, seeing the fruits of their labor, glorifying God in whatever they do, etc.

[jandjmommy]

Will come back later to read the replies more thoroughly, but reading
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Self-Reliant-Children-Self-Indulgent-World/dp/0761511288/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313383242&sr=1-6 now and it has definitely changed my thinking on how to go about fostering a strong work ethic (and other self-reliant traits) in my kids.