House rules for long term visitors (aka parenting other people's children - or not?)

[arwen_tiw]

How far do you think it's acceptable to parent someone else's child when they're living under your roof? So far no conflict between me and Boy's mama really. But there are lots of things he's allowed to do at home that really aren't OK here, coupled with that he now has three automatic "borrowed" siblings, and older children's things around him...

Examples... He is a climber. I can't allow climbing bookcases, because even though they're safely fixed to the wall, Jenna and Morgan keep their homeschool things on the higher shelves and he has already drawn on some of Morgan's careful work and unravelled Jenna's first ever knitting project. I also tell my little ones that chairs are for bottoms (allowing me to keep my household notebook up high on the back of the sofa) but he *bounces* on the sofa and pulls the notebook all over the place. I've put all the bits back in it at least twice today.

I keep removing him from these places and telling him the rule. His mama has noticed, and also removes him, but usually apologises to him for doing so :giggle and often doesn't notice when he's doing something like that. They're all things that are normal and allowed in her own home. Only she doesn't *have* a home right now, and I don't like to make things any harder on her by tackling her head on...

I feel torn between protecting our stuff from Mr Toddler, and wanting her to stand up for my rules while they're in my house. This sounds so silly when I type it all out. It's so tiring there being people here everywhere, I mean, having to throw clothes on in order to run to the bathroom to be sick in the morning, not being able to leave my own toddler to play without hovering because the toddlers fight, having my own toddler copy baby behaviours she grew out of months ago (like throwing stuff, and tipping her drinks on the floor).

I guess I need advice for balancing the needs of two households living under the same roof. At the moment I'm resenting stuff they actually have no control over, and feeling too sad for their situation to approach stuff they *could* have some control over. :sigh

[GlobalMama]

Don't have too much pity. That's my best advice.

My brother came to live with us for four months and I wish I would've been tougher. I don't know the background but, this is your house. Don't be obnoxious about it and try to be respectful of your "guests." But, the quicker you set ground rules, the better. There is no bigger argument than the one that takes place 6 months from now when other Mom screams that you're being controlling all of a sudden or that there are new rules every week.

Pick your battles, work them out internally, and then talk with her. Pick the things that matter to you most. Toddlers will be toddlers, but ruining things shouldn't be something that happens all the time or is chalked up to toddlerhood. Toddlers need boundaries. So do houseguests. :hug

[Earthmummy07]

Two households living under one roof is HARD. I did it for 3 years at moms, and am now doing it at inlaws. Except ours is actually 3 households. Anyways...

If it's your house, your rules apply. If the other mama is not enforcing your household rules, I think you are within your rights to gently protect your belongings. I cant imagine you doing it any other way but gently :giggle Does OM know that these are the rules here, or is she just trying to pick up on your cues? A reiteration of the ground rules may be needed. If you want to guard her feelings, gather everyone together and phrase it as "We need some rules to make sure we can all fit in this house comfortably"

FWIW, We allow bouncing on our sofas to a certain extent (I really need to get him a trampoline!)

It can be hard and frustrating having to constantly supervise fighting toddlers. Toby and his cousin love each other to bits, but are CONSTANTLY fighting. I think the age gap is too small; he definately fights less with older or younger children :yes

[Annainprogress]

I have no advice to add but wanted to give you a :hug

[MomtoJGJ]

I think I would call a meeting... tell her your rules (you will probably need to think about this ahead of time, but could also say something about since you've been here x amount of time I've noticed these differences) let her tell you what her rules were in regards to these areas, see if or where you are willing to bend (like letting him stand on the couch, but you put your notebook somewhere else, or whatever) and then discuss how since both of you are together that you need her to help you teach him the rules.

That way it's not bombarding her with "I'm letting you live here....." and it's giving her an out (teaching him the rules)

[TestifyToLove]

If she's enforcing the rules, then what more do you expect from a toddler situation?

We're moving a second household into our house this weekend. It's not that she's not enforcing the rules, but that her boys aren't used to living with older kids (with off-limit things) and ALL of the toddlers are ignoring the rules.

What is helping me mentally is that I am not considering her a guest in my house. Rather, we're house-sharing. She'll contribute in labor versus rent money, but she will still contribute to the household. We've agreed that we will talk things out and reach compromises, especially if we discover a conflict.

It does help that we are very compatible. We're also going to invest in baby gates for the big kids rooms to keep ALL of the toddlers out of them.

Right now, we have a lot of testing behaviors going on from all of the little four. It was *my* toddler jumping on the couch like a trampoline last night actually. I'm assuming we're going to need to give it 2 months to let all the kids settle down before we'll be able to see if we have a persistent problem with one of the children. We did sit down and go over household rules, logistics, responsibilities and a plan for any conflict resolution before we started merging the households. We also had the option of NOT merging if either of us felt uncomfortable doing this.

[WildFlower]

Have a sit down "family meeting" including everyone who lives under your room. Make a poster with the "house rules". Go over them and what IS acceptable and then post them. That way there is no confusion from others living in your home. I don't agree with everything that she does but that is just an idea I saw on Super Nanny that I think is great.

[arwen_tiw]

We talked a bit, and things are *much* better this afternoon. I think probably the last couple of days have been worse because we're both so tired, and she has been not getting involved so much with the toddler on the loose because she's been trying to fill in applications and deal with phone calls - trying to get housing. I am so tired and hormonal, and it's easy to get resentful about little things.

But yeah, I have moved some of the bits that the toddler kept getting into. And she has helped clear up this evening while he naps, and reassured me that she knows he can't be climbing the furniture getting to the big girl's things!

[Karen]

I would urge you to give grace. Have you had a monkey climber before? If I were in your home, I would do my best to live by your rules but my monkey would make it very, very tough. Some kids just climb and at 2, you aren't going to reason them out of it. If she is trying to follow the rules, I would give a little and try to toddler proof the house as much as possible.