A Gentle Response or... not?

[tofufoofoo]

Hi Mamas, I have a quick question while DD naps.

Apparently in the new J-Lo movie they are mocking water birth and extended breastfeeding. My IL's keep bringing "how funny" the movie is and using it as a conversation ice breaker to bring up how gross it is to breastfeed past a year, implying it is perverted, and etc. :rolleyes That is just the tip of the iceberg. MIL implied that I should not nurse outside of the home anymore. DH ran into the room once he heard the topic of conversation to defened extended breastfeeding. :hearts

So a few days later we're in DD's room and MIL is saying what a nuisance DD's cloth is and how unfortunate it is that she can't wear things because of how bulky they are. She also always says "you need more clothes you have nothing to wear" (as DD's closet is overflowing with great clothing!) directly to DD :ph

I feel the need to defend my choices now, despite staying very passive until this point. I know DD can understand 50% of what we say and probably more. I feel very worried that she would start to feel that nursing is wrong, or that clothing is all that matters because those two subjects are truly all we talk (what I mentioned is just the tip of the iceberg and it is always just more of the same when we're together) about when MIL is around (3x a week about). Am I overreacting? :nails

I have heard letters are poor responses to these situations and that a face-to-face convo is in order. DH is very upset as well we are actually on the same page about this one :praise

I need advice, support and prayer if you have the time. Am I totally off that DD's confidence could be at stake? I am tired of being 100% passive (while I am sure I *look* uncomfortable) and bean dipping/changing the subject completely/playing dumb.

:ty

[Ajani]

I'm of the mind that problems with the inlaws need to be dealt with by the child of those people. In this case it's your hubby. What does he say? How does he want to handle it?

[tofufoofoo]

I'm of the mind that problems with the inlaws need to be dealt with by the child of those people. In this case it's your hubby. What does he say? How does he want to handle it?

He truly thinks it is time to address the issue but he is a letter-kinda-guy. I am willing to let him do whatever he thinks is right. I just really want the comments to end. :-/

[Peridot]

This is where I'd ask hubby to tell his mother to knock it off.

[TrinMama]

We've done the letter and convo route. We are always in convo-mode, it seems. Our choices aren't exactly offending our parents, but they are always :scratch and questioning us (just not in the way it seems your in-laws are! how awful!).

I somewhat agree with the idea that your DH should say something they are his parents, but I also believe you should be able to speak up and defend yourself, too, at any time. It's great your DH is in agreement with you. :yes But what if this sets a precedent and they only expect to hear from him? Or what if they think nothing is wrong/that you aren't bothered by their comments because *you* don't say anything?

In our family, it works better when the offended/hurt person does the talking with the support of the spouse. DH and I have each done a lot of talking to our respective in-laws, and we always back each other up.

:hugheart I hope you can resolve this soon!

[tofufoofoo]

Just to add more background: DH is a letter person because he flips his lid very easily and wants to do this in a calm way so we're respected. Otherwise they'll just be able to say "see they really ARE nuts" or something :giggle

Also, MIL does say waaaaaay more when DH is not around/in the other room because she knows he will pipe up. He always does :hearts, especially if I have told him MIL was saying/doing something and then she brings it up AGAIN in front of him. He almost reacts like: :hunh "I thought my wife was being emotional and overreacting but you seriously are talking to her that way?!"... :giggle

They're NOT easy IL's. I am not about to air my dirty laundry but keep in mind these issues are the ITTY BITTY TIP of the iceberg. :yes

[Ajani]

Hi Mamas, I have a quick question while DD naps.

Apparently in the new J-Lo movie they are mocking water birth and extended breastfeeding. My IL's keep bringing "how funny" the movie is and using it as a conversation ice breaker to bring up how gross it is to breastfeed past a year, implying it is perverted, and etc. :rolleyes That is just the tip of the iceberg. MIL implied that I should not nurse outside of the home anymore. DH ran into the room once he heard the topic of conversation to defened extended breastfeeding. :hearts

So a few days later we're in DD's room and MIL is saying what a nuisance DD's cloth is and how unfortunate it is that she can't wear things because of how bulky they are. She also always says "you need more clothes you have nothing to wear" (as DD's closet is overflowing with great clothing!) directly to DD :ph

I feel the need to defend my choices now, despite staying very passive until this point. I know DD can understand 50% of what we say and probably more. I feel very worried that she would start to feel that nursing is wrong, or that clothing is all that matters because those two subjects are truly all we talk (what I mentioned is just the tip of the iceberg and it is always just more of the same when we're together) about when MIL is around (3x a week about). Am I overreacting? :nails

I have heard letters are poor responses to these situations and that a face-to-face convo is in order. DH is very upset as well we are actually on the same page about this one :praise

I need advice, support and prayer if you have the time. Am I totally off that DD's confidence could be at stake? I am tired of being 100% passive (while I am sure I *look* uncomfortable) and bean dipping/changing the subject completely/playing dumb.

:ty

Would you be comfortable calling them on it when they say things like that (the bold part)? Coming back with something like, "Wow, is that really what you think of me? Or are you talking about everyone else out there who nurses past a year, but not me?"

[tofufoofoo]

At the point of desperation I am in, I am going to snap and say something like that. Not that I think your comeback is out of line or "snapping", I actually hope to open the conversation up with your exact advice. For me and how passive I am, it will feel like I am snapping though ;)

:ty

[Karen]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Inlaws are hard! Your baby is very young and you have a long way to go with these inlaws making unwanted comments. Soon you dd will understand everything that is being said and will know there is tension. The time to stop this is right now. I think you need to dig deep and find that momma bear. It is perfectly acceptable in this situation to say, "Our decsions on how, when, where, how long, etc we nurse our daughter are just that our decisions, not yours. I do not want to discuss it or hear anymore comments about it." You do not have to allow her that far into your life.

I agree that dh should talk to her but I have a mother inlaw that used to (please note used to) say nasty things out of my dh's earshot. It only took a couple of times of being firm, not rude, but firm and that does not happen anymore. She is doing this because she is sure you are going to let her get away with it.

You seem like such a gentle, beautiful soul. I think that is a wonderful thing. But I know that deep down inside there is a momma bear ready to protect her young. If you purposely bring her out, it will be more controllable than the day you truly snap.

[tofufoofoo]

Mama bear... I love it:)! Thanks mama :hugs

[SammyJune]

I used to have MIL problems like that as well, but luckily my MIL lives 3 hrs from us. I'm a very non-confrontational person though (one of my personal goals is to work on my assertiveness) so my approach may not work for you. I tend to think the best about everyone as well and find that so many times comments and opinions like those expressed by your MIL stem from ignorance or misinformation. when my MIL would make comments about my CD's or EBF I would emphasize the positives and the reasons we do it. For instance with the CD comment I would say something like, "yes finding good fitting clothes can be a problem, but I don't mind because I love my DC never having diaper rash or standing over the sing scrubbing poop out of an outfit with a toothbrush from a paper diaper blowout" and then mention the chemical exposure etc. I've found that if I don't say her opinions are wrong per se (even if they are) and talking about the positives I've gradually changed her opinion to the middle...or at least she doesn't make comments anymore.

I emphasize the positives with EBF and the AAP's and WHO's stance especially saying how all babies ask to BF it's only if they do it in words or by crying etc. However, I also "sympathize" with her by saying that that's not how it was done in her day with formula, circ, etc...and I understand why she made the choices she did. She may be feeling regret for her own parenting decisions and masking it in criticism.

uh oh fot to go baby woke up...BBL

[Quiteria]

Why is mil around 3x a week if she monopolizes conversations with negativity like that?

:hugheart

[Marrrg]

While I don't have any experience with a MIL (my DH's parents passed on years ago), I think you need to be very careful. this is a woman you will likely not get away from for a long long time. I suggest starting very gently with her- saying something like, "I know it must be frustrating for you not being able to have me parent my child just as you did yours. I want you to know I think you did a wonderful job parenting DH- he turned out so great! But now it is my turn to parent my child, and I know you trust that DH and I are making the right choices. They are our choices to make. Please give me the respect and the lee-way to enjoy making my own decisions for my own child." Then smile sweetly. If she protests or wants to argue, say, "you know, I'd rather talk about this later once my words have sunk in a little." Then change the subject.

If she wants to talk about it later let her be heard. Tell her you hear her and understand her concerns. Thank her for her advice. Make her feel valued. But don't cave in, or argue. Just smile and say thanks, but you are going to try things your way. Tell her if you need advice in the future she will be the first one you will ask!

I am all about "killing" people with kindness. I am sure MIL's intent is good at the core. Try to focus on that.

[SammyJune]

I guess I don't have much more to add, except that I don't think you need to worry yet about her comments affecting your DD. YOU'RE her mother and all she knows is what you do (BF, CD, etc). I secretly rejoiced when my MIL gave my DD a doll with a bottle for her 2nd birthday and my DD didn't know what the bottle was for. She immediately cast it aside and "nursed" her baby. Right in front of MIL. It was all I could do to keep the laughter on the inside. :)

I know this is a difficult situation and Christian love for thy neighbor is not always easy, especially the entire iceburg (with my MIL as well), and you're doing a wonderful job. Just pray for guidance and follow you're heart, whether that end up being a more confrontational approach or not. :)

[crmmom]

I'm of the mind that problems with the inlaws need to be dealt with by the child of those people. In this case it's your hubby. What does he say? How does he want to handle it?

I agree. The person whose family there is a problem with should be the one to speak to them about it. Since it is your husband's parents ~ he should speak for both of you. You can be there and agree but even if they disagree with him, it is less likely to drive a wedge between them and cause resentment.

It is what I would do anyways. Hope it helps :hug2