he does NOT want my instruction

[greenishmama]

My 4.5 yr old (oldest) lately does NOT want my instruction in how to do things. It's making me nervous about embarking on our homeschooling! example- yesterday took him bowling- his first time ever. my friend was trying to show him how to do it (he seemed midly receptive). the next time I tried to show/help him and he yelled "leave me alone I'll do it MY way!" it was embarassing a little but made me nervous for how I"m going to teach him at home! this is not the first time. he still refuses to let me show him how to hold a pencil correctly.

he did end up bowling the way the other boys were doing it and had fun and did fine.(not that we cared about the skills or the game) but just nervous that he will never allow me to give him tips or show him things. he also struggles with scissors and does NOT want to do it the right way.

[cbmk4]

disclaimer: I do not homeschool, but thought I'd comment on this anyway.

My two youngest can be this way (ages 8 and 5) My 8 year old takes Suzuki violin lessons and requires a fair amount of my involvement with daily practices. She is so resistant to my instructions sometimes.

Her resistance comes from her own perfectionism (doesn't think she should need to be corrected) and from her own independent spirit. I try to first point out all the things she's doing correctly as well as appreciate her effort. I try not to give her lots of pointers at once (feels overwhelming to her) Lastly, if she's being highly contrary, I remind her that her teacher told me to help her and that if she's not receptive to a little help, I will have her call her violin teacher to explain why she has to cancel the next lesson. We've never actually had to do that.

---------- Post added at 10:25 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:24 AM ----------

I also have to add that I think that "I can figure it out myself" attitude can be an asset if not overdone. Those kids tend to be highly internally motivated and creative.

[teamommy]

Having had two children pass through that age I think it is partly the age. It could just be my kids! But it seems like that happens more often at that age.

I think that cbmk is right on the mark with the comments about times when you do need to give instruction. Always say something positive first, it doesn't have to be gushing, just make the connection with them some way, a touch on the arm, smile, make a positive comment. Then choose one thing to show them. If it is too much all at once, it is overwhelming. (I know I feel that way when learning something new that I find frustrating, and I'm an adult).

[tempus vernum]

I really think it is mostly the age. My 4.5yo is SO SO SO not wanting me to teach her anything :doh She actually prefers one of her siblings to me and the other 2 went through this as well.

[Rose5000]

i struggle with this too. it is one of the reasons I don't know if I will be any good at homeschooling.

[AmyDoll]

Yea, he's a sensitive kid. :yes So watch your phrasing & tone. "Look at you writing those letters! You might find it easier to hold your pencil with this." (hand him the rubber pencil holder helper thing) "It's squishy on your fingers & makes the pencil softer."

For other stuff - let him. Let him bowl his way BUt insist that he refuse help kindly. "No thanks, mom. I got this."

Do things to reinforce that you are on the same team - connect with him. Let him show you stuff.

AFA Work goes - I insist that work is done correctly & properly (for the most part). I dont want poor habits to develop (like pencil holding) so if it's *work* (and we have certain things that are designated as work) if they don't want to play by the rules - I put it up. And we can try again another day.

[jewelmcjem]

It could also be a good clue as to the method you will want to use in your homeschooling -- more of a trial-and-error method with lots of hands-on, rather than you standing there and lecturing. It may just be his age, but it may be his learning style as well -- something you'll want to keep in mind when choosing a curriculum (or not choosing one :giggle). He will *definitely* truly learn things rather than just memorize, with this learning style.

---------- Post added at 12:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:59 AM ----------

Oh, and wanted to mention -- I did not do formal lessons with any my older 2 before age 6. This is one reason why. My son is in Kindy at age 5/6 (they're all in school now); he takes instruction nominally better from the teacher than from he would from me, but then again he's getting a bit older. At 4/4.5 he was still very 'do it myself'.

[tempus vernum]

I thought of this thread last night - we went to open swim and my 4.5 yo was determined to swim by herself - I was about to pull out my hair because she can only swim about 5 feet alone but she insisted she could "do it herself" :doh

:sigh If I hadn't forgotten her life jacket it wouldn't have been a big deal but it totally was a big deal - my tummy is hurting today from getting kicked so many times (trying to push off me into the water and "swim")

:giggle

[tessiemae]

We've been there at times and are still there in many ways! My husband just noticed that our 13 yr old holds his fork in a sort of fist-clenched-stabbing manner. Our son has nice table manners, but his utensil wielding is a bit, er um, uncommon.

There's a great blessing in the "let me do it!" child. While it can be feel like stubbornness and be frustrating and embarrassing as a mom, it's also the spark of self-directed learning, excitement, motivation, and the inherent struggle essential to learning how to overcome and obstacle and persist.

I'm forever walking a line with our oldest, trying to help and guide without putting out the fire of his independent spirit. I too insist on politeness. Eye-rolling and frustration must be tamed. Our children have to take feedback. We model this for them as my husband will give me constructive feedback, for example.

Our youngest is a "yes mom" child. He is so obedient. He tries so hard to do what he thinks is right and is so worried about approval. That is a blessing too, but it also has its challenge. Unlike my "let me do it!" child, this youngest child will sometimes be overly concerned with what other children think, trying to gain their approval by being less than his true self. He also doesn't dig in and persist at obstacles the way my more stubborn-seeming one does.

It's a constant, humbling task to "care for these little sheep" with whom I've been entrusted. Often in struggling with a child, we are encountering an aspect of one of their particular God-given gifts that needs tending so that it is wielded well.

I felt quite wistful reading of your little bowling boy. :heart

peace,
teastaigh

[greenishmama]

...There's a great blessing in the "let me do it!" child. While it can be feel like stubbornness and be frustrating and embarrassing as a mom, it's also the spark of self-directed learning, excitement, motivation, and the inherent struggle essential to learning how to overcome and obstacle and persist.


...I felt quite wistful reading of your little bowling boy. :heart

peace,
teastaigh

Thanks for your message. It opens up a positive side to the "do it myselfness" but the bowling was actually one of the more positive examples. He does not seem to come up with ways to solve problems sometimes. He will do it his way only, accept no help but if he can't do it or does it incorrectly he gets mad and quits. He expects to be able to just do things perfectly the first time he does them and once he finds out he can't he gets mad, REALLY mad and even says that he is quitting and won't ever do it again. That is the part that bothers me! Now he usually does try again at some point, but if he would just accept a little help/advice/instruction he would be able to do it sooner and more peacefully! at least that's how it seems to me.
He refuses to hold a pencil the way I show him. He loves to draw and write letters but he could do sooo much better if he held the pencil the right way. I need to get some pencil grips but they don't seem to sell them anywhere in a store! not the kind that teach you how to hold it, just the decorative kind that are round.