church nursery dilemma

[heartprint]

Just wondering if someone could help me... or share similar experiences. My DH and I both agree that we do not wish to have our DS stay alone in the nursery. One of us stays with him- we usually alternate bc it is a two hour service. I emailed the pastor in charge of the nursery beforehand to make sure this was okay and she said it was fine, to do whatever made us feel comfortable. Some of the people working in the nursery have been fine, thanking us for the extra help, others have tried to convince us to leave him, saying anything from , "don't you think he'd be okay alone?" (to which I either just say, no we really want to stay with him, or sometimes joke how he'd be just fine, but we would be the ones to miss him!!) Others are a little more insistent showing their disapproval, pointing to other kids who are at the church for the first time and are staying, or who are younger.
My point is that I think they should just respect that we disagree about this issue, and not try to convince us otherwise (just as I would never try to convince ff to bf or something like that).
So... now, I guess I could talk to the pastor about their remarks and negative attitude, but I honestly don't want them just to change bc they got a "talking to" by the pastor. I feel that they are showing their true colors in the way they are acting... and we might be better off in another place. I haven't "shopped around" and really don't want to... I also wonder if it is probably the same everywhere, and there is just something important about leaving your child in the nursery- demonstrating your trust or something. From the times I have stayed there, it is clear that they do not call the parents when kids cry. I don't trust them. I just wish the kids could hang out in the back of the sanctuary and play quietly, not be relegated to a separate room. BTW, they do have an official nursing room in back, but it is very small, and I do like DS to get the interaction of the other kiddos!! My non-Christian friends just tell me to kind of argue with the workers, pointing out how the other kids are crying, or defending my position more, but I really don't want to argue.... am I just with the wrong crowd??

[raining_kisses]

hmm...this is a toughie. i have no experiance with this, but i think i would shop around. if you dont want to do that, i would have a one on one with the workers. just tell them you are the parents, and you will be staying. end of discussion...

[scrappyknits]

I understand how you're feeling. :hug I have been in similar situations.

But I also understand how THEY are feeling. They have been spacifically asked (or volunteered) to watch the little ones as a blessing (ministry) to the parents so that the parents can be in the service. You're refusal to let them minister to you is probably somewhat confusing for them. (especially if they are older)

Would it make a difference to those helping in the nursery if you spoke to the head nursery worker and volunteered to be in the nursery yourself to help out every other week? (and your hubby on alternate weeks) so you're there in an "official" capacity instead of "just a parent"? (that way, also, if a child IS fussing and you feel the parents should be called you can do it! - so you might head off some comments, and also bless some other parents yourself. I could see you potentially being a very positive, gentle encouragement to the other parents.)

On the other hand, if you wait it out they'll get used to having you in there and begin to expect you and your help -- especially if you're family is attending regularly and consistantly. It will take a bit longer, but the comments will eventually stop.

[cbmk4]

I never had this situation, because we occasionally did leave the kids in the nursery, but only if they were completely comfortable. If the kids didn't want to stay (more often than not, because we didn't even consider trying it before 9 months or so), we just kept the kids with us and walked in the halls if they got too loud.

I know that other people did stay with their kids and probably got a few weird looks or comments made to them, but you know what? One of those people was a pastor's wife who was definitely an AP-er. After a while, people got used to seeing her and probably quit making a deal out of it.

[Ajani]

I'm in charge of the nursery in our church and still got that attitude from one of our volunteers when our son was little. He did not self soothe, and until he was two or so he would freak out if we tried to leave him there. And she kept making comments about how we needed to leave him, how he wasn't going to be independent, etc. I finally sent her a polite but firm email, requesting that she keep her comments to herself, with us and other parents. She has not said a word since. We get along well enough, but we just have different philosophies.

I definitely suggest trying to work it out if you're happy with the church as a whole. Either directly with the women in question or with the director.

[swimming with sharks]

It's your choice whether you stay with him or not. He's YOUR CHILD not theirs. :shrug3 I don't leave my children with people I don't know on a very personal basis. :no Nursery workers at church don't fall into that group. We keep our children with us during the service, but we have a very family friendly church. It's one of the reasons we're at that church. :heart Many of the churches we tried, insisted that our child be in the nursery and not in the nursery. :no so not happening. Of course if the baby/child starts to cry or is being too loud then we take them out of the service. Sometimes to the nursery, sometime to the cry/nursing room, sometimes just to the vestibule outside the sanctuary (depends on the situation or what they need!) I don't find the need to argue with the nursery workers. They're opinion is their opinion. If once I said, thanks we're going to stay with him and they continued on, I'd just say. I'm going to stay thank you and :beandip :hugheart

[kiloyd]

I've so been there! I just quit hanging out in the nursery and would sit in the lobby. Actually, no, I remember now, dh was away for work and I started going to the family Sunday School class and not going to worship.

I was like you and was not comfortble and confident that I would be paged if my baby cried. I saw babies cry and cry, they were trying to comfort them, but just not calling the mommy.

I don't leave my babies! I kept saying that I don't leave them for anything else, why would I leave them for church?

I'm not sure what you should say though. Maybe, "thanks for your thoughts, when dh and I are ready then we will leave him,until then we're more comfortable staying with him".

And yes, I think I was the only one in our large church that did not leave her baby. I think I left her a couple times for maybe 20 min. But then she began crawling and moved up to the next room and I did not like leaving her in a small room with 8 other babies.

If you like everything else about the church you go to then I'd stick it out, otherwise I'd look around. It will be better when he's 3 or so and looks forward to going and has fun!

[jandjmommy]

I'd volunteer on a permanent, rotating basis with your DH so one of you is always in the nursery. Also, you could sign up for the children's worship committee/ministry and change it from the inside out--chances are there are more parents that share your concerns and they'd welcome the changes (5 minute cry/call parents time, etc.)
Not all churches do it the way you described; we had to look long and hard before finding a church that treated children as members in their own right instead of loud extensions of their member parents.

[Karen]

I would tell the volunteer politely and firmly, "I appreciate that we have different opinions on this subject. Now I would really appreciate if you would respect that difference and no longer bring it up." I find polite yet blunt works wonders. If you get the defensive, "I was only trying to help, blah, blah. Then smile and respond with, "I do appreciate that but we are comfortable with our own parenting."

I am called when my children cry. But I think I might be one of those scary mommies. I get the feeling that it is just easier to call me than deal with the reprecussions. There have been things said like, "We thought we could get him calmed down but we knew you would be really upset so we called". I said, "Thank you, you were right to call."

[BriansLovie]

It is like that most churches I think. All the ones I"ve been to have tried to get me to leave my kids in their nurseries. I have gotten comments that they will be fine, blah blah blah. I always stayed in there with mine :shrug3 I share with your desires for a church that is open to either the parent staying with the child (and accept it happily) or the child is welcome to stay in the service and not give annoyed looks of disapproval. I want that perfect church! I doubt we'll find it tho. We haven't gone to church in awhile because of this issue. We want our kids either in the service with us, or we sit in the nursery with our child because they are not comfortable staying in there by themselves (DS1 never would stay in there without crying so I stayed with him in the nursery till he was 2 1/2 years old and DS2 was born.)

[heartprint]

Thanks so much, gals! wow, that is a good point about them wanting to minister to/serve me by "relieving the burden" of watching my child - (yes, they are older, and I could see how it would be confusing to them) but honestly, it couldnt be farther from a burden for me to watch little B, especially since he is my long-awaited one and only!! and it is fun to see him play with the other kids!. I did see that it was called the "nursery ministry" but just thought how ironic that was since they have a negative attitude toward me. Here they reach out to the homeless etc, but roll eyes, huff/puff just bc a woman wants to stay with her son on Easter Sunday.
I asked them about signing up for the nursery duty and how often a commitment that was. They were very big on the "approval process" (so they could claim that their discomfort with me is related to security, which I doubt , bc I have been a public school teacher for 12 years!!) but they said the duty would be every 5 weeks. oh, and DH is not comfortable being an "official nursery helper"- that's pushing it for him... Actually, last week was the first week we did the trade off with me and him, and that seemed to renew all the protests and comments. I didnt think it would be sich a big deal since the male members of the praise band come down and hang out with their kids after they played. But they are more known in the church and we are not.
Another thought I had was trying to loudly thank the people who are understanding and flexible.
I'll talk with the female pastor in charge of the nursery a little bit when I go to sign up for duty. There is at least one other mom who feels a similar way, but even she caved to the pressure last week and left her dd screaming for at least 15 mins after she left. (They claim that they will page after the child is crying, but I have seen that they dont do it!!) But I feel after reading these that other people must feel the same way, and will see if I can make some change from the inside. I agree, these little people are people/members too. They deserve to be truly ministered to, not just in name only.
I will also probably browse around a little bit to see if any other places really stand out as more family friendly, or AP friendly. It's just so weird that this church has so many homeschooling families, yet has a problem with this. I also think that other areas of disagreement in philosophy will arise, and it is interesting to see how the members handle them in general... but churches are people, so I'm sure there will be good and not so good everywhere!! sorry to ramble!! haha

[BarefootBetsy]

I don't think they're saying these things to be malicious, but that they probably just don't understand where you're coming from. It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, but it would be understandable if it was a deal-breaker for you.

I took my baby to our church's nursery once and stayed with her, but I know it made the nursery workers a little uncomfortable so now I sit in a little room (not a private room which is fine right now) off the sanctuary where I can hear the sermon and nurse my baby and put her on the floor with quiet toys. It's a temporary solution until she starts really moving around, but for now it's working.

I exclusively bf and don't pump, nor do we use a pacifier, and we EC with cloth diapers as backup. Not easy cloth diapers - prefolds. So, it would be rather difficult for the volunteers and I haven't left my children in a nursery without me until they're over a year old, eating solids fairly regularly, can sign "toilet" and be pottied by other people than dh and myself and after I've gone with them a few times to get them used to the room. That's my comfort level.

Best wishes to you!

[ChristinaL]

I think the most important thing to focus on is your ultimate goal. Do you want your little one to stay in the nursery eventually? Or would a church where the little ones are welcomed into the service be better for you? I have a friend who chose a church where they could have always their daughter with them and that works great for them.

For me I decided that I did want my daugther to feel comfortable, safe and happy in the nursery because it is part of our church family. So everything we've done has been slowly working towards that goal- while still being respectful of her needs and not having her feel overly sad or upset.

I have never stayed in the nursery with her because I didn't want to set that precedent. We all go to church together for the first 45 minutes since that is music and she can be loud, stand up, etc. Then we try to have her go into the nursery for the sermon part. If she keeps crying past 5 minutes they come and get us then we'll just leave church altogether and go home. If she has been especially clingy during the week or just seems off- then I will go to the early service and my husband to the later service and we don't take her to church at all. We talk about it with her a lot- and we pray about it each night together when we say good night prayers (dear God please help Nora to feel safe and comfortable in the nursery, etc) She's older than your little one obviously...

Gradually, and with some set backs, she has come to enjoy it most weeks and to be proud of herself for staying there without us. This may be partly her age, but I do feel it's also due to our gradual working on it. I see it as a small example of future separations for her and I wanted it to be gentle and slow but that she would also get a sense of her own competence and be proud of her success. And she has been. We've also had some excellent nursery staff work with us- and this has been great because they have been so gentle and an example of real ministers to her and to us.

This is just what has worked for us- I am not trying to tell you what you should do. I do think though that it is helpful to look at the big picture though rather than just the temporary situation with the nursery workers. It sounds like your first question maybe needs to be "do i trust these people to look after and minister to my child without me there?" if leaving him is your eventual goal. And if you don't trust them, or don't want to leave him, maybe it would be good to look for another church where the staff are more understanding or you can keep him with you.

[AngelaVA]

:hug I spent a long and awful year hanging out in the church nursery with my first baby trying to shrug off judgemental and sometimes hateful comments about her and about my parenting. It was a huge detriment to me with my PPD and anxiety and even to my relationship with God, which was immature at the time to the point of me feeling like if all of these church people find me unacceptable to them and God than I must be. Are experiencing fellowship and feeling drawn closer in your relationship with God while you are there?

[heartprint]

wow, making my mom brain work!! First, my goal is definitely to have him join the Sunday school, etc. when he is 3. I think when he is old enough to understand what is happening then I am all for it and hope that he will look forward to it and enjoy it without too much issue. I think it's the whole AP debate of how you believe is the best way to get to that end. I believe that doing the separation too early, without the "secure base" around will backfire and leave him more insecure and clingy, etc. And don't worry, I really enjoy having respectful discussions with people, so I don't feel like anyone is telling me what to do or anything.

Which brings me to yours and Angela's other main point, which is the feeling of trust and fellowship with the other people.... which is seriously lacking.... I know the other mom who usually stays with her dc, I would trust to come get me, but for the most part, I really can't trust them... so I am wondering if there are more of her type out there somewhere at a different church.
And yes yes yes Angela, I feel that in my relatively immature Christian state, this is the LAST thing that I need... I feel like, God? oh yeah, that's why we're here!!! I am getting so caught up in these feelings and resentment about this issue, that I am not staying close with God. Thank you for your prayers, WI Mama 05. It made me stop and think, and pray myself! Also, I feel I am so rushed, just trying to stay sane, get my thoughts organized- my last post got pretty snarky, so pls forgive me!!

[scrappyknits]

I asked them about signing up for the nursery duty and how often a commitment that was. They were very big on the "approval process" (so they could claim that their discomfort with me is related to security, which I doubt , bc I have been a public school teacher for 12 years!!)

This is very, very common in churches now. A police record check is required, and in many even a course about how to handle children. In my home church both of these things are required, and those in charge check up regularly to make sure the policies are being followed through. As a parent, I appreciate the safety measures they have taken. As a parent who wanted to be in the room with her child, I followed the rules THAT ARE THE SAME FOR EVERYONE REGARDLESS OF OCCUPATION so I could volunteer in her class. Perhaps they aren't being difficult as much as just following procedure? :shrug

[Karen]

It is common to have workers approved. In fact, I would be very uncomfortable with a church that let just anyone work in the nursery or with kids in Sunday School without background checks.

[heartprint]

yes, I can understand that, thank you!!

[BarefootBetsy]

Yes, our church does a background check for nursery workers as well.

If you want your son to be in a Sunday School class when he's three then you're pretty much limited to attending churches that will have nurseries. Most churches with nurseries, however, are fine with children being in the service (we did not go back a second time to the church we visited after they made it clear that even quiet children were not welcome in the services) as long as they aren't being completely disruptive.

I've spent time in the lobby and in the room off the lobby. I was more comfortable in both those places than in the nursery because I know the nursery workers really wanted me to leave my cute baby with them so they could love on her. For me, it's not a question of trust, but rather of not wanting to leave my baby. I don't even leave her with dh when I go somewhere. She comes with me everywhere right now and will until she's eating a good amount of solid food (~12 months or so I'm guessing based on the other two).

It's possible too that you're feeling more pressure because he's your first (correct?) and that really does affect how folks react to a mother doing things against the norm. When I went to the nursery with my 3rd a few weeks ago, everyone there asked me if she was my first and were very surprised when they found out she was my third :giggle Only one lady told me that she was the same way with all of hers and she'd also nursed them.

I don't know what your solution is, but I hope you're able to find one! Whether that means a different church or getting to know the folks at your current church better.

[Karen]

Slightly off topic but relevant, I spend almost the first year with my dd in the nursery. At first, I was concerned that I missed so much church but I really learned alot from the mommas in there. It really benefitted me in the long run.

[heartprint]

hee hee -:lol Yes, people always say, "is he your first?" and I say, oh yes, kind of admitting that I am probably a bit overboard about it... but hey, that's my biz, right> ;)
I agree, Karen, I was looking forward to chatting and learning just like a little mom's group, play, no stress, not a big deal at all!! I'll stop by and fill out the paperwork today and then after I am approved I'll make sure the workers know that I am approved. Also, I won't have DH go at all since that seemed to throw everyone for a loop, and now thinking more about people being genuinely uncomfortable with unapproved people (especially men, let's be honest), it's not a good idea... and like I said, he doesn't have any desire to be designated a "helper" .... he just stands there like the secure base he is!! haha

[sarainseattle]

Just to play devil's advocate, I think a lot of times people are honestly trying to help and give mom a break when they suggest leaving baby alone... also, I do have to admit that in my experience working in our nursery that kids who weren't left to play with the others by around age 1 seem to have a lot of trouble transitioning into toddler rooms--and some of the moms who were fine staying with their kids at 12 months have definitely tired of it by age 2 or 3, especially if there are now younger kids to care for during church as well.


At our church, I went in with my DD every week until she was maybe 7 months old. The first time I left her she was the only baby with three other moms in there, and I thought, well, if I can't leave her with three adults then I can't leave her at all... I also volunteer every other week in the nursery (and my church also required background check and a brief orientation on procedures) and I think that's been good. I know opinions vary on this, but I do think it's been healthy for DD to be able to have some playtime without me nearby, too.

If you don't trust them to call you when she's crying, do you think it would help if you really imparted to them that it was important to you to be called right away? At our church we have a 10-minute policy before parents are called (during which time they are being consoled and held by a caregiver), but we are certainly happy to call parents earlier. To be honest, most of the time the parents are not eager to be called, so it might be refreshing to them to have someone who wanted to come tend to their baby right away. I know for me, it is really pretty sad to have a baby crying for mama and not being able to console them, so I would be happy to turn them over to their parents earlier if that was what was requested.

---------- Post added at 12:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:10 AM ----------

hee hee -:lol Yes, people always say, "is he your first?" and I say, oh yes, kind of admitting that I am probably a bit overboard about it... but hey, that's my biz, right> ;)
I agree, Karen, I was looking forward to chatting and learning just like a little mom's group, play, no stress, not a big deal at all!! I'll stop by and fill out the paperwork today and then after I am approved I'll make sure the workers know that I am approved. Also, I won't have DH go at all since that seemed to throw everyone for a loop, and now thinking more about people being genuinely uncomfortable with unapproved people (especially men, let's be honest), it's not a good idea... and like I said, he doesn't have any desire to be designated a "helper" .... he just stands there like the secure base he is!! haha

At our church the nursery is also the nursing moms room and such, so I can see where it might "throw people" to have a man in there. Some churches also have specific rules about male involvement in the childcare (at ours they are welcome to help out but are not allowed to change any diapers)...The nursery though definitely tends to be a moms' haven :)

[heartprint]

Well, had a really nice experience today at a different church. It just felt right!! I think the trust issue was bigger than anything! I definitely want DS to be confident and independent, but my gut feelings were telling me NOT to leave him (at 1st place).... so I wasn't sure if it was just the principle of the matter... or the lack of trust. I stayed today (at new church) for the most part, but one woman took 6 of the kids for a ride in one of those big red carts and I let ds go on his own,... (I might have hesitated if I had known how long they would be gone!! haha) but it worked out great! I lurked a little here and there in the hallway, to see if I could hear him crying or anything, but he was fine!! My goodness, with these people I can really see how it was a ministry!! It was so clear that they really enjoyed the kids, very attentive, and right on it for any "impoliteness" (I can't even call anything that I saw "misbehavior").
They did talk about "me getting to know them and them getting to know him" and then I would be comfortable leaving, but they weren't pushy about it, or saying how other kids did this or that. It seems like he was extra at ease (or I was) because they acted like me. And I also was happy with myself for resisting the urge to slam the other church -:no- though it was very tempting. I felt like God was in that nursery!!
I would still like to pursue more discussion about "when to leave your child and AP" but now I do see it is like other AP issues, where you are going by your instincts, and really, what God is telling you. When it feels right, you'll know!!! Thanks again for all the insights!!