Parenting verses?

[nanookmama]

I don't know if I'll be able to pull off an AP/GBD parenting style. My DD is only 6 months old and I already think about flicking her mouth when she bites while breastfeeding or slapping her hand when she scratches my face. :blush

I'm just not sure that I can override the years and years of hearing that hitting is the only way to teach children. I've been working at correcting my thoughts, but I'm not sure I can change the way I think before my daughter needs more direct discipline. Right now, we're fine with redirection and a simple, stern "No." But that won't last much longer. Maybe I'm just not confident in this? I don't know.

What I do know, is that I'd like to start really pulling apart any verses that relate to parenting, and really focus on what God wants for me as a mother.

What verses have meant a lot to you?

Thanks in advance.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

Spending a lot of time on this site, just reading, reading has really helped me.

Redirection, especially showing and telling her what TO DO instead will be the most basic way of teaching her for a long time. This is still what I do most of the time at 21 months. It's how I taught her to be gentle. I took her hand, stroked it on my face, and said, "Gentle touches."

When I feel (and it's less often now), the urge to smack her, I ask myself how I can expect my daughter to always control herself, if I can't control my own urges.

One of the verses that I think about a lot applies to how we treat everyone: "But the servant of the Lord must not strive, but to be gentle to all, apt to teach, patient," (2 Tim 2:24)

[BarefootBetsy]

Even just reading here and hearing from other gentle parents will probably help you remember :hug2It's hard! It really is. Especially when you've grown up viewing spankings as normal. I know.

Practical solutions to the things you've mentioned are (I've found) -

Nursing and biting: keep your hand close to your baby's mouth and when she bites, immediately use your finger to (quickly but gently) break the suction and stop nursing her for however long... I've done this with my two older girls and usually I stop nursing until it stops hurting so the harder she bites, the longer before she gets to nurse again (never more than maybe a minute or so). They don't understand reasoning at that age, but I still explain what I'm doing and why and comfort her when she cries. It really works! My oldest was a horrible biter. About a week after she'd get a new tooth she'd start biting all over again, but after a couple of times with me unlatching her afterwards, she'd stop until after the next tooth came in. I could live with that. She nursed until right after her 4th birthday.

Scratching: at 6 months they really don't know what they're doing and can't understand that what they do can hurt someone else. What I've found works best at that age is to hold their hand. Just take it and hold it gently in yours. Be aware of what she does right before she usually scratches and move quickly to stop her by holding her hand before it even happens. She's probably too young to really understand "gently" as the pp mentioned, but you should probably start doing it now to get her used to it anyhow :)

Children really are very teachable without needing the threat or actuality of physical punishment. As your daughter grows up, you'll also grow as a parent. I'm a much better parent now than I was with my first. I get more done around the house with two toddlers and a 4 month old than I ever did when my oldest was 4 months old. You'll grow. You'll learn. You'll become more patient and you'll have the ladies here to help you as you grow. :heart

ETA: will be back with verses - sad baby...

[boobymummy]

I also agree with avoiding a stern "NO!" as its likely to make it the first word that they learn (which will then make you feel like "How DARE you challenge my authority!!)

I can totally relate. Im from the same kind of family. Im still very much learning. Even if you do decide to spank though, there is so much in the bible about being gentle, kind and abounding in mercy.

1 Thess 2:7 on
Isaiah 66:11 on
psalm 131:2
matthew 11:28-29

Im just gonna cut and paste a lil study i did recently (quite big for here) that you might find useful:

Study on children and how to treat them:

1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Gleanings: Children do not speak, understand or think as adults do. It is unfair to expect them to think as we do, to communicate as we do and to understand what we want from them, as we would understand.

The meaning of 'child' in this context:
G3516
νήπιος
nēpios
nay'-pee-os
From an obsolete particle νη ne; implying negation and G2031; not speaking, that is, an infant (minor); figuratively a simple minded person, an immature Christian: - babe, child (+ -ish).

The meaning of 'spake' in this context:
G2980
λαλέω
laleō
lal-eh'-o
A prolonged form of an otherwise obsolete verb; to talk, that is, utter words: - preach, say, speak (after), talk, tell, utter. Compare G3004

Gleanings: The word 'child' means unable to speak, yet it says that they do speak but not as a man does. They speak non sensically. Expect children to make noise with their fake language.

The meaning of 'understood' in this context:
G5426
φρονέω
phroneō
fron-eh'-o
From G5424; to exercise the mind, that is, entertain or have a sentiment or opinion; by implication to be (mentally) disposed (more or less earnestly in a certain direction); intensively to interest oneself in (with concern or obedience): - set the affection on, (be) care (-ful), (be like-, + be of one, + be of the same, + let this) mind (-ed, regard, savour, think.

Gleanings: The things that children set their thoughts and affections on and the way in which they do it (eg. the intensity) is different to the things and adult thinks on and the intesity which they think of it.

The meaning of 'thought' in this context:
G3049
λογίζομαι
logizomai
log-id'-zom-ahee
Middle voice from G3056; to take an inventory, that is, estimate (literally or figuratively): - conclude, (ac-) count (of), + despise, esteem, impute, lay, number, reason, reckon, suppose, think (on).

Gleanings: Children do not come to the same conclusions as adults do. They take inventory or reason as we do. Do not expect Asher to understand and think things through in the same manner as I do.

The meaning of 'put away' in this context:
G2673
καταργέω
katargeō
kat-arg-eh'-o
From G2596 and G691; to be (render) entirely idle (useless), literally or figuratively: - abolish, cease, cumber, deliver, destroy, do away, become (make) of no (none, without) effect, fail, loose, bring (come) to nought, put away (down), vanish away, make void.

The meaning of 'adult' in this context:
G435
ἀνήρ
anēr
an'-ayr
A primary word (compare G444); a man (properly as an individual male): - fellow, husband, man, sir.

Gleanings: When I looked up this word online, I found that this word means a mature man (or possibly 'person') of marriageable age. However it does not refer to a boy around barmitzva age. As the word 'pais' meaning 'boy' was used to refer to the 12 year old Jesus when he visited Jerusalem. The word 'anēr' is used in Ephesians 4:13 "Until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ" (RSV) Therefore this verse will apply to some extent until the person becomes fully mature and complete.

Isa 66:10 Rejoice ye with Jerusalem, and be glad with her, all ye that love her: rejoice for joy with her, all ye that mourn for her:
Isa 66:11 That ye may suck, and be satisfied with the breasts of her consolations; that ye may milk out, and be delighted with the abundance of her glory.
Isa 66:12 For thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, and the glory of the Gentiles like a flowing stream: then shall ye suck, ye shall be borne upon her sides, and be dandled upon her knees.
Isa 66:13 As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you; and ye shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
Isa 66:14 And when ye see this, your heart shall rejoice, and your bones shall flourish like an herb: and the hand of the LORD shall be known toward his servants, and his indignation toward his enemies.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

Scratching: at 6 months they really don't know what they're doing and can't understand that what they do can hurt someone else. What I've found works best at that age is to hold their hand. Just take it and hold it gently in yours. Be aware of what she does right before she usually scratches and move quickly to stop her by holding her hand before it even happens. She's probably too young to really understand "gently" as the pp mentioned, but you should probably start doing it now to get her used to it anyhow :)

Very true! DD learning to be gentle was a long process.

[BarefootBetsy]

I really like these verses (1 Peter 4:3-10) and believe they can apply to parenting as well as other situations:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.

As well as Matthew 19:14 which I'm sure you're already familiar with:

but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

How better to lead the little children to Christ than by showing them a glimpse of God's grace? The grace we show our children is nothing compared to the grace of God, but I believe the grace we show is of utmost importance.

I also recommend that you keep in mind Matthew 25:31-46.

It won't get easier per se, but you will find it easier to remember alternative ways of handling undesirable or bad behavior and it's very encouraging to see that these alternative methods really do work! A great book as far as practical suggestions goes (not a Christian book) is Hilary Flower's book Adventures in Gentle Discipline. It's available through LLLI and also through Amazon. I re-read it (at this point, I just look up whatever I need to because I'm so familiar with the layout) whenever I feel like I can't possibly deal with whatever new behavior has cropped up without yelling or feeling like spanking.

Your heart is in the right place and you're seeking truth. That's huge :)

[mamaroland]

It is hard to have self control, especially if you were raised by parents that didn't have it themselves. I struggle with this constantly. I think that maybe if you can find the self control and peace within yourself to change your thoughts by the grace of God then I think you might find happiness and peace with your decision and action to refrain from acting out on those feelings that you are having. I think that if you could look into the future, that you would also be happy with your decision to not act out on those thoughts. I also think that for many of us, that the thoughts you are having are normal, so don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Hugs.

This isn't a bible verse, but a prayer that someone put on the forum a while back. I found it one of the first times I found this website and that was really what kept me coming back here to read more and more.... This prayer REALLY helps me. I've been meaning to write it down on an index card and stick it somewhere real visible to me, so that I will read it every day, like my mirror where I get ready in the morning. Here is the link to it: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=205211

[nanookmama]

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

I suppose it will all take time, it was silly for me to expect that I wouldn't need to practice new behaviors. I suppose if I had thought about it that way, I might not have been as apprehensive about being able to pull this off!

Another thing I heard recently is praise for the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart". I had always heard it recommended with Dobson's books before, but this recommendation came from someone I really trust. I haven't even looked into the book just yet, but does anyone have any thoughts on the book? Or maybe this should be something I read after I finished exploring GBD?

I suppose in the end most parents come up with a conglomerate of ideas, and put all the pieces together to make their own puzzle. Maybe I don't need to compartmentalize as much as I think.

The more i think about this, the more honored I feel that God would think I'm capable of making this decision, and capable of handling such an awesome baby. I guess I'll focus on that for now!

[BarefootBetsy]

Here's a review a member here did of SACH:

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=245342&highlight=sach

I haven't read SACH yet - I'm still reading Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel and hopefully will get my hands on a copy of Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton soon (I'll probably buy it once I'm done with Kimmel's book because the library system has struck out).

It looks like there's a lot of really good stuff in SACH which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending... it's harder, in general, to separate what's good from what isn't when the good stuff is really compelling and full of truth. So, it seems like a book that would be beneficial to read, but probably not until after you're a bit more grounded in GBD. I'm taking my own advice and won't be reading SACH until I've read more about GBD.

The review is well worth reading though - whether or not you decide to read the book now or later or not at all. I thought it was well done and very fair. While I haven't read the book personally, I have quite a few friends who love Tripp (easier for me to be around than friends who love the Pearls or Ezzo :sick) so I was fairly familiar with his ideas before reading the review.

[camperjen]

I found it best to remember WHO I was talking about - a tiny, harmless baby who had absolutely no intention whatsoever of hurting or causing pain. Who was only trying to learn his way around the world as best he could. I also found that having SOME reaction made me stop myself. If it were a hand out of control that scratched me, I'd grab it (gently!) and hold onto it for a moment while I took a breath and then told my boy (I have two) that I understood he didn't have control over that arm yet, huh? In speaking to him, I reminded myself of his fragile place in life.

My kids are now 3 and 5yo and the biting moments when I want to lash out are MUCH less. Seriously infrequent.

I grew up (from age 7-14) with an abusive alcoholic stepfather and a seriously codependent mother. I learned fear, not parenting. Now that I'm a mom myself, I've finally learned pretty well how to parent. You're also only 6 months since becoming a parent - I didn't finally feel confident in my ability to stay calm most of the time until ... oh, you don't want to hear this ... until 18-24 months or so. I mostly try to repeat what they're thinking or doing when I get *SO*FRUSTRATED*I*COULD*SCREAM* in an effort to remember their stage. Just a couple of days ago I told my 3yo son "you just want to control SOMETHING in your life, don't you? I need to find more you can control so we can do better in other areas". HE didn't understand it, but I certainly did.

And - missing the most important puzzle piece - I needed to PRAY for the situation. Tell God from my heart what I was thinking and feeling, what I was truly afraid of (hurting them or having them come out totally screwed up because I was a sucky parent) and then asking for the type of help I needed. That God would always be with me and that my children would always forgive my parenting mis-steps.

I'm proud to say that I've never hit my kids in anger even though I thought of it numerous times those first years. I'm not so proud to say that I yell at them probably once or more a day on average and I'm not always good at being understanding... but I'm still working on it. Knowing that in those instances (the yelling, for one) that I'm not the only parenting like that helps me - seeing that I have friends who weren't so badly damaged in childhood like I was and they still have serious struggles with their children... I don't need to set my bar TOO high (though we all strive for perfection!)

I know that I didn't share a Bible verse (as was your original request) but I felt I had something important to add - you need to be patient and gentle with yourself as a mom and as a woman - to forgive yourself for when you don't instinctively do the right thing - to realize your strength in getting where you already are in the face of what seems to be insurmountable challenges of childhood - to realize that you - and your child - are both well-loved children of God and He will help you to become the parent you always wanted to be but maybe never dreamed was possible. :heart

[nanookmama]

Thanks camperjen! I have a friend that always tells me to have grace for myself as a mom. I used it so much when I was pregnant, but it's harder to remember to apply it to my future actions too.

I forget to pray too. At one point I was doing a good job of praying without ceasing, but not anymore. That certainly needs to change!

BarefootBetsy, thanks for the SACH review, it's perfect!